You can read my story here story. <p>I know my W has told her parents about our separation. However, she has not brought up the A part to them. I know she knows that her parents would just be heart broken that there daughter is capable of something like that.<p>My concern is that I think her dad should at least know. They need to understand that their daughter has some serious emotional issues right now and needs their support and their Christian beliefs. My problem is...should I tell them? My commitment in life is with her and God. Would telling her father break that commitment with her...even though I am doing it for her own good? <p>Confused on this one...
thanks<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Jeeper ]</p>

You are really treading on dangerous ground with this one. Can you take a look at how she is going to see this? You could create some permanent ill will here and it may not be recoverable. I can see telling the in-laws that she is in a fragile state, but I can't see telling of the affair. I just think that you will end up hurting yourself because she could very well hate you afterwards.

Unless you interact with them on a frequent basis, it is probably okay to leave it to her to tell her parents. If they ask you specifically, I would answer honestly.

Jeeper, I can't tell you what to do, but I can share my experience of having been in the same situation. Perhaps my story will help you decide what to do for yourself. My D-day was last summer. W didn't seem to have any intentions of telling anyone about the A. I struggled with whether or not to tell OMW, the minister of the church where she met OM, and especially my ILs. On one hand, I felt they all deserved to know. On the other, I didn't want to be the "bad guy" and have W hate me for ruining her secret.<p>Less than a month after D-day, OMW found out on her own. She called W and gave her an earful. Then she called the minister and told her. This was a horrible experience for W, but she could not blame me for any of it, because I wasn't involved at all. So I was glad I hadn't told OMW or the minister.<p>As for her parents: my MIL told W last summer that she'd lose all respect for W if she ever found out that W was having an A. That hurt, since W was already having an A at the time this was said. I never thought that MIL really meant what she said, but I didn't want to take that chance. So I didn't tell her or any of my other ILs. This got more and more difficult as W's emotional health deteriorated. I came to realize that she needed her parents' love and support more than ever. Instead of calling my ILs, I urged W to talk with them and to let them help her. I figured they'd eventually figure out for themselves what was going on.<p>A couple of weeks ago W told me that both of her parents know about the A. She said that they both got more and more suspicious, and the truth finally came out over the holidays when she spent a week with her mother. Once again W has had to face the consequences of her decisions, and there's no way she can twist things around to blame me for any of it. MIL called me yesterday and commended me for being W's friend when I have every reason to just turn my back. So once again, I think I made the right choice by not telling.<p>I guess it sounds like I'm advising you not to tell. Truth is, I think you need to evaluate your situation and decide for yourself. I can tell you that in my case I didn't tell, and right now I'm glad. I would, however, advise you to encourage your W to seek support from her parents. If her mental/emotional health gets anywhere near as bad as my W's has, she will need her parents more than ever.<p>Whatever you decide to do, I think your W is lucky to have someone who cares as much as you seem to. Good luck, and please let us know what you decide and how it works out for you.<p>BP

I recommend you not tell.<p>If they ask questions, answer truthfully consistent with your prior level of interaction with them, but do not tell them anything that she could use against you as "recruiting" them. This would be a HUGE LB.<p>If they figure it out on their own, let them proceed as they wish - do not promote or hinder their interference.<p>Remember, you're the "reason" she's having an affair. From her perspective, you telling her parents equates to inhumane meanness on your part. You're responsible for it and now you're trying to make her look bad by squealing on her for something you caused. Get it?<p>This may be the extreme illogic of your WS, but don't underestimate her ability to warp the truth for her purposes - especially when it comes to her covering her tracks with her blood relatives.

Jeeper-
I too can not tell you what to do but can only share my story....
When I found out that my H had been unfaithful to me with his EA, I wanted to immediately call his parents who have been "spiritual" parents to both of us, but I realized that the second that they heard of his infidelities they would be thinking as natural parents and not as the "spiritual" parents I know them. Their instincts would have been to protect and save their son. I left the decision and timing of when to tell to my H. It unnerved me at times, because I wanted not only their spiritual support, but in all honesty I wanted them to know just what their "little boy" was capable of doing.
My H did call them and tell them a few weeks ago, and I must admit I was moved by his honesty with them. They were supportive of both of us! I believe my decision to let him do it in his time was the best although not the easy way for me!
Stay in your "word" and let God guide you!
Tracie

For what it's worth...My IL's are my friends as well as my WW's parents. I told them the night I found out before I confronted my wife. She was out with OM and they came over to visit and I told them because I wanted my WW to not stay at our house that night and asked ILs if she could stay with them. I have an open relationship with them and felt comfortable in discussing this with them. They were very concerned with WW's depression and weight loss so I felt it was good to talk to them to ease their wondering. They actually thought it was ME that was having the affair.<p>Now WW lives with her parents and MIL can "ride" her daughter all the time about OM without me getting involved. She does all the LB'ing so I can avoid it [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] They can see the changes in me and my relationship with our kids and they tell WW about it too. I think it is helping me to have them as allies but I already had a very close relationship with them before I told them.<p>Good luck [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks everyone. I am not going to tell them unless they ask...and even then I will only speak that I have been commitmeted 100% from day one. I am not super close to them, but I do feel close to her dad. I am kinda of afraid they may think I was out running around or something. I am not going to dewl on it. I am sure they will find out the truth someday. <p>Thanks again!