I tried really hard to do 180 , tough love and plan b... and I completely bombed out... some ofyou know... should I go backto plan a?<p>LISA

ummmmmm Honey?<p>Are you really wondering why your H thinks you're unstable?<p>Look at you bouncing all over the place!<p>"Gee I tried 180's for a week and that didn't work, so now I'll do plan b for a week, maybe I should go back to plan a, maybe 180's again, I really need to detach, I'm doing so good, oh now I'm upset so its plan b for sure, none of this is working so how about if I go to Plan A -- what do you think?...."<p>And your H sees:
Wow she loves me, we're having fun.
Hmmm, wonder why she's not speaking to me.
She acts like she doesn't care at all.
Why is she so mad if she doesn't care?
She's being really sweet today.<p>ETC ETC ETC<p>It seems to me like you are looking for some kind of quick fix. You're out to provoke action or reaction from your H. <p>Get a grip on yourself. Make this all about you and FORGET ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING OR NOT DOING.

What is your goal? <p>Is it to win your H back <p>or <p>is it to be a more happy secure you with or without your H. <p>I know this is really hard for you. I'm so sorry for your pain because it clearly is something you have been thrust into. It feels like your choices are being taken away. It hurts, cry and grieve, cause it really does hurt. <p>Do whatever you can do to make yourself happy cause no one else will. For me Plan B/180 gave me self esteem cause I knew I was worth way more than being treated this way. Only you know what plan will work best but you have to give a plan a time period of like 3 months. Stick with whatever you decide. Then after 3 months reevaluate and recommit to the same plan or a different one. Communicate your decisions and why to your H. Take care of you - do this for you not to win your H back.<p>Are you on Anti'D's?<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

HI, Thanks for reply... plese email me about lunch, maybe friday ,antone's again? I would love to meet... been down again... ups and downs really tough in my version of being seperate from h... I was a lot happier in plan a... and I do want him back, but as the old h, the one who loved me? thanks, H [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Somebody recommended this site to you on your other thread: <p>http://www.abcinternetmarketing.com/depo-provera/<p>
Did you read it? Here are some parts of it:<p>DEPO PROVERA SIDE AFFECTS I EXPERIENCED <p>50lb weight gain (half off most of it now years later)
Extreme Excitability, Nervousness (first two years terrible)
Panic Attacks, Paranoia (first two years)
Shortness of Breath (horrible first two years - still with me today)
Great loss of libido (first two years, getting better every year)
Painful intercourse (for about two years)
Severe lack of lubrication (at least 2 yrs., getting better)
Lowered immune system (still suffering but not as severe)
Loss of hair (the first year with shot, then subsided)
Now (current) unwanted hair on breasts, toes, face
Violent headaches (coming from pain at base of skull)
Extremely sore, stiff, crippled muscles all over body (still today but MUCH better than 97,98,99)
Blurry vision - trouble getting my eyes to focus on objects
Dizziness (still today - but MUCH improved)
Inability to bend over (feel like I will pass out)
Severe neck and shoulder pain (still today)
Breast Tenderness & Pains - Fibrocystic breasts (still today)
Heart palpitations - irregular heart beat (still today)
Chronic sinus and yeast infections (still today)
Concentration and memory problems (still today)
Acne - not (teenager type acne - large boil/cyst like acne)
Suicidal thoughts because daily debilitating pain was too much

Lunch at Antones Fri sounds good. I will post a reminder here on MB.

Honey,
I've been at least trying to follow your threads lately...I feel like telling you to sit down, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, pull a piece of paper toward you and pro & con all these plans you've been trying. Any one of them could work, some bits & pieces work with others, but you can't do all of them at once.<p>Lovebusting is not allowed in ANY of these plans. Not one.<p>Your H is being such an insulting jerk to you and you've been a maniac [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] about calling, dropping in on him, yelling, lovebusting....<p>Start from right here. What kind of behaviors do you think you can actually follow through with?<p>How much contact can you bear before you start LBing?<p>What kind? Phone, email, in person. <p>Where? In public, in private, your house, his dwelling?<p>Can you see yourself walking away from him when he insults you? Can you do it? (probably not at your house, unless you walk into the backyard).<p>These plans all have good aspects to them, in fact, I've tried all of them as well, plus more. The only one I failed at was Plan B...and that I think was more because of the kids and my H not having any place to take them. So, I'd talk to him. But...do these words ring a bell? <p>CORDIALLY, POLITELY, AMICABLY. <p>But then, my H has to get pretty mad before he insults me, it was a rare occurance, he'd much rather walk out. And, he's very friendly & jovial when he drinks. I'm the bearcat kind of drinker.<p>Something will work for you. But you may not see results or the results you want to see. He got mad with boundaries--it was WORKING, he was seeing you differently, it seems he reacted rather horribly.<p>He's made choices that have put you in this position. Now, you have choices, and they don't have to be ones he likes, because, as much as you want him to be, he isn't currently the man you were so in love with, even if he looks just like him [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>You might find that someday you'll again see the man you love, but not right now. RIGHT NOW you take care of you and protect the little love you have left for him, so that if reconciliation becomes a possibility, you will have love to work with.

Honey,
I got to thinking about my last post and realized I left out part of what I meant to say.<p>It has to do with failure, or bombing out, as you put it. I say I failed at B, but it wasn't actually failure, it was something that didn't work with my family situation. I've said I did an 18 month Plan A, well, there there were gaps [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] big, honking gaps, followed by apologies to my H. But there was persistance and about 6 months that went pretty well. And, acting "as if" divorced with firm boundaries while serving the D papers, also was a good fit for me. <p>I'd like to see you try one of these plans for awhile--you pick the one you think suits you, your temperment, your H, the situation in the best way. Remember, no lovebusting in any of them, so if you LB, you apologize, even if your H is... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>The way the 2 of you are interacting now, isn't working. It is negative and must be heartrending to go through.<p>You could start simple, no calls or drop in visits to him for 2 days. If he calls, take care of his questions, concerns, whatver, but don't fall into the trap of berating or yelling, or putting up with his berating or yelling. You can handle 2 days. Then perhaps your mind will be clear, you can look at your pro & con list ( [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm sure you did that, right?) and decide what is the best fiting plan for you for the coming time period.

I seriosly think it is the Depo Provera, it just makes sense reading your threads:<p>Extreme Excitability, Nervousness
Panic Attacks, Paranoia
Concentration and memory problems<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

Hi and thanks again, maybe the depo is not good for me... but I have only been on it 2 weeks... or maybe 4//? who knows... but it is not good being so up and down... I just got home from work and I will do the pro and con list... and take a 2 day breather... thanks, H

Honey-<p>I've been following your last few threads and I am getting sea-sick! You really are all over the place. Please take a few days off from H, do the list and really spend some time evaluating what it is you want to do. <p>Come up with a 'business plan' for Honey, Inc, one that has very specific goals and ways to achieve them. I think if you take your mind off of H and start thinking about what it is you want, you will start to feel a lot better. Also listen to what the others are saying about the medication, sometimes what is supposed to help you ends up making things worse.<p>Take care of yourself first, you deserve it.

Honey,
I strongly advise that plan A for you involve committment to ALANON....<p>Also read about planA over and over until you understand it..so many of your posts describe plan A as being a doormat or as him getting everything the way he wants that...that is NOT plan A....<p>Plan A for you should not be dates and dinners...if anything they should be with the children doing family things...but ONLY if you can maintain good control in front of them...<p>Honey you can't do what you don't understand so don't do anything untill you get it...<p>you don't power struggle with people..it's a no win situation...<p>Quit focusing on his behavior, his gains of "freedom"...<p>be good to you..and your children...<p>ARk

thanks to everyone... I am truly going insane now... my h is going down faster now... he does have something going on with the maid... I just got through crying my eyes out.... <p>It will help me have a lot of strength I know.... I do not want to post exactly how I know... just in case he ever comes here to read... but I have proof... I heard a message of her saying I love you mucho mucho mucho much o ... thank you y, you are a good man... it is heartbreaking... this is very recent... the maid started right after I started plan b... he had asked me to clean for him... I sd I can't if you are over here... in his dwelling... etc.<p>THis is helping me grow strong... I am thinking he must be a true sex addict and is a serious alcoholic... which I knew already, but I deny... in my case it is about alcohol... <p>I feel insane because I still want him back the way things were when they were good... he has been up and down for yrs... and until the latest... sept of last yr... I never imagined once that he cheated on me... well I guess a couple of times I accussed him... but he always convinced me it was nothing... I thought this man was faithful and loved me from the bottom of his heart.and throughout his entire body - he has told me that he would die for me... he has told me for yrs of his undying love for me... well I guess it has flown out the window for the love of the bottle and sex. <p>I feel so stupid and like such an idiot... how can I be so crzed and actually want him back healthy though... maybe this is part of bottoming out... of course now he will have to be tested before coming near me... if ever... this may be the last straw and I am so so sad... I do not have pure proof of a sex act weith the maid... cute maid... in the figure.. .but that is it... I just do not get it... she is straight over from mex. and barely speaks decent english... sad sad sad.<p>thanks for any advice, I am crying my eyes out, and I guess I have no hope and no reason to even be at mb anymore... ???? please give any bit of advice you have... I feel like an utter fool.<p>thanks, H [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey where do you work? Who watches your children for you? Is there any way you can get away for a while? Your state of mind worries me

Honey,<p>I agree with the others here. You are getting very good advice. You have to make this about YOU. Not about your h's latest fiasco. <p>You say ou want the old H back, you want things to be good like they used to be. Please look very carefully at this statement. You say you deny his alcoholism. You are also denying that all those years that you say things were so good between you, he was cheating on you then too.<p>Please take some time for yourself. Call it plan A, Plan B, or whatever. Better yet, call it Plan Honey. You need to get your feet on the ground.<p>I am very disturbed by your statement that he asked you to do his cleaning. You did not. So now he is messing around with the made. I hope you are not suggesting that you should have cleaned his place for him. This is more of you concentraiting on him and not YOU.<p>Your H has so many problems (addictions). He has to solve those first before you can have a relationship with him.<p>Please take care of yourself first and formost so that your children will have at least one parent they can count on.

Hi TD, I am going to be ok... I posted just when I heard the message from the spanish maid and I just went on the internet and read a few sites about sex addiction... truly my h is sinking quite low.... I am really worried about him... truly, and I feel stupid for caring... I think sex addiciton is beyond a normal affair, and I have really met my match here... I am to the point that YES, staying away from him will be healthy...<p>My mom watches my kids... she takes my older son to baseball pinano and everything... she just retired... this yr... just in time for all of this... I do need to work tomorrow since I am contract and need the money , but you are right I could use a day off... I am kind of numb... and I am exaggerating about going crazy... <p>I am just crying... I have stopped now... it was hard to face... that he would sleep with a maid... for yrs... I have worried about internet porn, dirty magazines... and all of that made me think , well if he will do that... then he will cheat.. it took me 10 yrs to find out that yes, he does and will and is cheating on me... and blaming me for it all the while... <p>I need alanon, and now what do I do to deal with a compulsive sex addict... What is so sad is we have shared so much, and we are the most wonderful family... when it is good... but there is so much that has come between us... with the lies... the denial etc.. he has truly destroyed our relationship and I have given everything in the world to this man... insanely , yes... I have tried so hard to make this marriage work all the while being lied to and taken advantage of... probably for the entire 17 years I have known this man.... <p>I do need help. Anyhow, it is so difficult......and everyone says... move on, hit the road... I wish I could... and yes, I am with this bit of info... at least for now... but I want him to be one of those alcoholic, sex addicts, etc... who wake up and want to change and want their families... but I do deserve so much better.<p>i am attractive smart and educated, and my h does the maid? and blames me for ruining our marriage???? <p>thanks for your concern... I am going to lie in my big beautiful king size rice bed with my sweet 3 year old boy, and watch a little lifetime tv while I try to go to sleep... thanks for your concern tiny dancer... I wanted to write back and let you know I am ok... I do have a wonderful family here for me... my dad even got me my job... I was depressed so badaly in the beginning I denied the fact that I needed a job... <p>thanks so much for even reading... I just feel that with the sex addiction, the alcoholism and everything else... maybe mb is just not the place for me to even bring all this crap... I haven't read about anyone else;s h doing the babysitters or the maids? but I did just read about it on the sex addict site... <p>Thanks so much for even reading... I am at my lowest... and I am so ashamed to even imagine I would consider taking him back... but I want my family... maybe I am in denial... I just found out today about the I love you message from the maid... ti is too much, her license plates are from mexico.... what it is... is she comes over at night to clean, h gets drunk at night, and wala... I am truly afraid my h is going to end up dead by his drinking and driving... i know I have to do something to keep him away from kids while he drinks period... I am goign to contact an attorney tomorrow to get in line for a free divorce... I do not want to pay ... there are several services in houston that do this.. but you have to get in line... that will give me a little time to think... thanks... for being here... I am so scared to even tell anyone... for feeling a fool... my real life friends... and I did tell my best friend and she and her mom think he is doing the maid too, it is insane? right? <p>and I am from a normal family, I have my masters degree for christ sake, I was suppossed to have a "good" life>>>>????<p>thanks, H