Well-I screwed up. I had installed an on-line recorder to track my wife's e-mails and IM's. As I've reported, it allowed me to confirm that she has broken contact with OM (Praise God). But my wife had almost 100 e-mails in her box and yesterday was the first day back to school for the kids since 3/22 so I figured if wife was going to go on-line, yesterday would be the day.<p>Anyway, while wife and my girls were having dinner, I checked on-line recorder and found wife didn't go on-line (great!). BUT-STUPID ME- I minimized recorder instead of closing and when my 15 yr old went on PC she found it. Her e-mails and IM's were displayed and she went ballistic-thinking I was spying on her and my other daughter. My wife responded to the ruckus and discovered my secret! I immediately took all blame-saying that the program was intended for MOM to check my PC usage- because all of us were getting porno e-mails and I wanted MOM to have a way to check up on me so I could prove that I was not reading porno. It hurt to take the blame but it was much better than admitting the real reason for the on-line recorder. <p>Anyway, my wife was very upset about me checking up on her- it was a major LB. I said that I don't want to have to check up on her-but I still don't fully trust what is happening. My wife then told me that she has decided to stay with me and make it work-that I have to accept that. So- I have deleted the on-line recorder from the PC.<p>Things have calmed down now. But I am concerned about my daughter - I think she previously had an inkling of my wife's A and now she probably knows more. But there is nothing I can do about that.<p>As far as checking up on my wife- I think God was showing me that it is time to forget about it. There is nothing postive to be gained from it. If she loves me, and wants marraige to work, she'll give up OM (which apparently she has). If not, she won't.

oooooops [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, the good news is that so far wife seems to be telling the truth and that she did in fact tell you that she intends to stay and work things out. It may seem a tad lb-ish to her that you checked up on her...but in MY OPINION as a former WS...if my H needs that to feel safe and loved again...he gets it, cause I'm the one that screwed up. Has your W shown remourse for what happend or has she just kind of blown it all off. Her comment on you getting over it makes me wonder.

My wife has not gotten to that point of showing remorse to me-she may never get there. She did tell me at one point that one reason she is unable to have SF is she is dealing with the guilt and remorse of what she did, and it inhibits her intimacy with me. But as far as coming to me with an understanding of what she did, and a willingness to "make it up to me", no.<p>In fact, as part of this discussion last nite, she repeated that if she were in my shoes, she would never again mention the "other woman", because she wouldn't want this person in my head. I replied that if I were her, I would be doing everything in my power to make her forget the "other woman" (which she 's not), and the conversation ended there.

Oh oh...she's still got a ways to go. I'm not sure what to say Boppo...it came to me when I just about lost it all...and it took quite a bit of time for it all to come about. 2 years! Her not having SF is because she still has a wall up...PERIOD. I had the same thing. I'd get creepy crawlies even thinking about being with my H. But when we were just about divorced and I realized it was all going to be gone in a flash...well, that changed. I busted my butt to be a good wife to him for years...so I felt like he "owed" me the same...I wanted him to prove himself to ME...but he wanted ME to prove myself to HIM (after all I was the wayward one). We were at a stalemate. When we dropped all that [censored] and just went back to loving each other...all the good stuff we wanted from each other came out. Because we weren't looking to have it earned anymore...we quit holding back. He's been a wonderful husband since I came back, and in turn I've been the wife I always was and more. So...if I understand plan A correctly it's to work on yourself and be all you can be...then maybe one day she'll do the same.

Boppo57:<p>Well, if you read my post, you know that I still periodically check on my H. I kinda see it as natural consequences of what happened. If he has nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem that I check. If he has a problem with it, he needs to check himself... but we're further down the pike.<p>What I did yesterday would have been received much differently six months ago.<p>About you and an OW... your wife is still justifying and compartmentalizing... of course 'she' would react differently... she would like her guilt minimized... telling you how she would react if it was you is a way to minimize... my guess, based on the reactions of other WSs whose spouse became a WS, is that she has NO IDEA of the pain it would cause her... and since she doesn't want you to be in pain, she has to minimize the effects of what she has done on you.<p>Cali

Can I ask a tough question?<p>You wrote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Boppo57:
<strong>It hurt to take the blame but it was much better than admitting the real reason for the on-line recorder.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You were not truthful?

"Worth a try" asked:<p>You were not truthful? <p>The answer is yes, I was not truthful. I decided it was better to lie to protect my daughters from the truth of their mother's A. <p>I know there are varying opinions on this. However, I speak from experience. 9 years ago, my wife had A with someone from a bible study. My stepdaughter-wife's daughter-was 18 at the time. I told her, in response to her direct question, what happened. It changed her relationship with her mother for the next 3 years. It took alot of work by both my wife and I to restore the relationship. <p>To make things worse, I ended up having A with OM's wife (a spite affair if you will). My A never progressed beyond heavy petting, but it was A none the less. My wife held a big resentment over fact that step-daughter knew of her A but not mine. Yet she never told her daughter what I did. Another reason why I lied last night.

Okay... maybe it's just me having a 'moment.' But did you just reveal some new info?<p>Your wife had a previous A? and you had one too?<p>Doesn't sound like either got processed. Off the top of my head, a book recommendation comes to mind... if you don't already have it... David Carder's "Torn Asunder." <p>There's a lot more going on here than your wife's current A.<p>Cali

Yes, as I posted I realized that I may not have shared this on the forum. I did share privately in e-mails with some MB posters. <p>In 1993, my wife had a very short (5 week) affair with someone from a bible study. I discovered it by asking OM point blank, and he admitted it. He then ended it. It caused significant disruption in our church life, home life, social life, etc. We went to counseling to try to deal with it. It was never resolved. Approximately 6 months later, I ran into OM's wife at a store and we went for coffee. We were both at that time in counseling with our spouses (at the same counselor, no less). We met to "compare notes" and ended up going alot further. Our A lasted only a few weeks before we both realized how hurt we had been and didn't want the same for our spouses.<p>However, a year later OM's wife got upset because my wife was back in ministry at our church. OM's wife went to pastor and told everything. She then called me and told me what she'd done, so I confessed to my wife.<p>The whole thing sorta got "swept under the rug". It lay under the surface of our lives, like a festering wound. At times, we discussed it and always agreed that it would never happen again.<p>The major diffference between my wife's latest A and what happened in the past was that this time my wife was in love, was sure she had found her soulmate, and was ready to leave me. I honestly believe that she would have left me if either the A had continued undiscovered, or if I had reacted in any way other than the way I did.<p>Right now, I truly believe my wife believes my changes are for real. Forever. And I believe she wants me as her husband, if that is true. But we have alot of work to do. <p>I also believe that we are very differnet people now. We have come thru other life-shattering events together since '93 that I haven't shared with this board.<p>Yes- it may change some's perspective of my story, but it doesn't change the reality of what is happening in my life. I have discovered who God wants to be and I am being that person, for my wife, for my family, for myself. And my wife is slowly responding to that change.

Oh well, I think it was big of you to cover up for your wife (love covers)... I think it was showing her tremendous honor in front of your kids. Too bad your W couldn't see it that way. I wished she could have seen it more in that light as opposed to in a negative light and been grateful to you.<p>Instead, she feels like you still don't trust her and that might be a real trigger for WS's, you know, who are really working on rebuilding the trust by coming clean, admitting the affair, and giving up their OP's? Those ARE major, noteworthy steps and really should be appreciated by the BS. Some WS's continue to lie and continue to cheat. Maybe your W feels like she isn't getting any credit for what she HAS done. Perhaps??? I could be wrong... what do I know??? <p>The really good thing in all of this is that you were able to just let go and let God take over what you cannot control!