that 50% of the population is infected with GH, <p>Ok, that sounded so way off that I looked it up at webmd.com.<p>Nationwide, 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population, is infected with HSV-2.<p>One out of five as I understand it is 20%. If you are black the chances are almost 50%, so I guess if you are black she was correct. <p>
What Is Genital Herpes?<p>Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). HSV-type 1 commonly causes fever blisters on the mouth or face (oral herpes), while HSV-type 2 typically affects the genital area (genital herpes). However, both viral types can cause either genital or oral infections. Most of the time, HSV-1 and HSV-2 are inactive, or "silent," and cause no symptoms, but some infected people have "outbreaks" of blisters and ulcers. Once infected with HSV, people remain infected for life.<p>How Is Genital Herpes Spread?<p>HSV-1 and HSV-2 are transmitted through direct contact, including kissing, sexual contact (vaginal, oral, or anal sex), or skin-to-skin contact.<p>Genital herpes can be transmitted with or without the presence of sores or other symptoms. It often is transmitted by people who are unaware that they are infected, or by people who do not recognize that their infection can be transmitted even when they have no symptoms.<p>How Common Is Genital Herpes?<p>Results of a recent, nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population, is infected with HSV-2.<p>HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five). This may be because male to female transmission is more efficient than female to male transmission. HSV-2 infection is also more common in blacks (45.9%) than in whites (17.6%). Race and ethnicity in the United States are risk markers that correlate with other more fundamental determinants of health such as poverty, access to quality health care, health-care seeking behavior, illicit drug use, and living in communities with high prevalence of STDs.<p>Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection (i.e., prevalence) has increased 30%. Prevalence is increasing most dramatically among young white teens; HSV-2 prevalence among 12- to 19-year-old whites is now five times higher than it was 20 years ago. And young adults ages 20 to 29 are now twice as likely to have HSV-2.<p>Is Genital Herpes Serious?<p>HSV-2 usually produces mild symptoms, and most people with HSV-2 infection have no recognized symptoms. However, HSV-2 can cause recurrent painful genital ulcers in many adults, and HSV-2 infection can be severe in people with suppressed immune systems. Regardless of severity of symptoms, genital herpes frequently causes psychological distress among people who know they are infected.<p>In addition, HSV-2 can cause potentially fatal infections in infants if the mother is shedding virus at the time of delivery. It is important that women avoid contracting herpes during pregnancy, because a first episode during pregnancy creates a greater risk of transmission to the newborn. If a woman has active genital herpes at delivery, a cesarean-section delivery is usually performed. Fortunately, infection of an infant is rare among women with HSV-2 infection.<p>In the United States, HSV-2 may play a major role in the heterosexual spread of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Herpes can make people more susceptible to HIV infection, and can make HIV-infected individuals more infectious.<p>What Happens When Someone Is Infected with Genital Herpes?<p>Most people infected with HSV-2 are not aware of their infection. However, if symptoms occur during the primary episode, they can be quite pronounced. The primary episode usually occurs within two weeks after the virus is transmitted, and lesions typically heal within two to four weeks. Other symptoms during the primary episode may include a second crop of lesions, or flu-like symptoms, including fever and swollen glands. However, some individuals with HSV-2 infection may never have lesions, or may have very mild symptoms that they don't even notice or that they mistake for insect bites or a rash.<p>Most people diagnosed with a primary episode of genital herpes can expect to have several symptomatic recurrences a year (average four or five); these recurrences usually are most noticeable within the first year following the first episode.<p>How Is Genital Herpes Diagnosed?<p>The signs and symptoms associated with HSV-2 can vary greatly among individuals. Health care providers can diagnose genital herpes by visual inspection, by taking a sample from the sore(s) and by testing it to see if the herpes virus is present.<p>Is There a Cure for Herpes?<p>There is no treatment that can cure herpes, but antiviral medications can shorten and prevent outbreaks for whatever period of time the person takes the medication.<p>How Can People Protect Themselves Against Infection?<p>The consistent and correct use of latex condoms is the best protection. However, condoms do not provide complete protection, because a herpes lesion may not be covered by the condom and viral shedding may occur. If you or your partner has genital herpes, it is best to abstain from sex when symptoms are present, and to use latex condoms between outbreaks.<p>Where Can I Get More Information?<p>National STD Hotline
800-227-8922<p>National Herpes Hotline
919-361-8488

Rachel,<p>Please do NOT allow yourself to be convinced that you should stop insisting on condom use.<p>I think that weighing your H feeling 'dirty' versus all the things that so many have raised clearly points to you continuing to insist on condom use for as long as you want, need, feel like. Gee, your H feels dirty - poor baby... That balanced against you feeling sexually, physically and emotionally at risk and the prospect of living with a constant reminder that your H had an A and risked your health in the process, along with break outs, lesions and the rest. Pl-eeze!<p>As for your MC's concern that insisting on condom use "could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way", IS SHE FOR REAL??? Your sex life has already been affected in a very negative way, by your H. Now, you are being asked to make it less negative for your H by putting yourself at risk?<p>What this amounts to in terms of negative effects to your sex life is that your H and your MC are asking you to accept even more negative consequences to your sex life in order to alleviate a little inconvenience to your H's, and this is after your H created the negative effects to start with. So, he gets to make a huge mess of your sex life and then expects you to accept a bigger mess to you, so that he can feel 'less dirty'??? And the MC agrees with this???<p>No kidding your H likes this MC. The MC is letting H get away with not taking responsibility for a situation that he created. And, your H is being incredibly selfish to expect you to be okay with exposing yourself to GH so that he can feel 'less dirty'.<p>C'mon!<p>I know that I'm not the only one who wants to shake your H and say "Grow up buddy. Face the natural consequences of what YOU chose to do. Wear a condom and be glad you are getting any."<p>Sorry to get snippy, but no one should be imposing this on you and expecting you to 'make your H's hurt little feelings' better, least of all your H and your MC. Sheesh!<p>Please see another MC and get to the heart of your H's responsibility taking. You say you accept that his ENs were not being met, so what exactly is your H accepting in terms of responsibility?<p>Just MHO.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Espoir:
Thank you for your reply, we have done a whole array of tests and will continue. I feel since the OW shared this ONE with my H, who knows what else may surface. <p>
ILuvNProtectME:
We've been going to this counselor for a little over a year. My H and I interviewed a few before we decided on her, although we were quite limited in our selection due to HMO restrictions. <p>This MC has helped us with resolving a couple issues successfully, and because of that my H is happy with her and her techniques. He considers her a "Solutions Based" MC. It was very hard to convince him to go to counseling in the first place, so changing would not be simple or easy.<p>Thank you for your concern, ILuvNProtectME.<p>
Worthatry:
We have no children. We planned to get pregnant the year before H had his affair. I love kids, I was born to be a mom, and because of this I'm very apprehensive of what can transpire, low percentages or not, in utero or during delivery. I couldn't live with myself if I gave another, especially my own child, a incureable virus or disease.<p>I have contemplated accepting I may become not only a carrier but experience breakouts as what may eventually happen, I am not okay with that. <p>My H has not had contact for over 8 mos, I check regularly and he is willing to disclose all to me; email, cell, pager, his 24/7 whereabouts. He has been very angry during withwrawal and has not shown an iota of remorse for what he has done, which I understand from reading here that is normal. He acts as though he was justified in having his A and since he caught something during his trist to accept it as fallout and to move on. He resents having to get tested and thinks it's a waste of time, but he promised he'd do it and has followed through.<p>
B:
Yes, my H acts the same as you, he doesn't like having to go to the doctors for this. He gives me a hard time about it, and now I see that he probably thinks I think he's "dirty" and that's why all the different tests. I feel terrible that he thinks that.<p>
Twyla:
As Worthatry, very sound advice without pulling any punches. To be honest, I'm not sure I can get past this. The way my H is currently acting, I don't see any remorse from him. He comes across that I was responsible, as much as he, for his A, and his demeanor reads he had a right to what he did. He has said many times I'm lucky he chose me and we're back together. What an ego.<p>
Clearview:
Yes, he wants his way no matter what, and from what I read here, the WS may continue to be very selfish (Taker) during withdrawal in a Recovery. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I have a decision to make, live with IT or without it (Divorce). I have prayed so hard the last few weeks. I know God brought me here as an answer to my prayers. <p>
Note to Everyone:
My H and I have a lunch date today. He wants to talk about all of this. If it's okay, I'll post an update of what is discussed. I plan to bring up changing our MC, please remember me in your prayers. <p>Always Hopeful ...
~Rachel~<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Rachel Winston ]</p>

Rachel. I am so sorry you are going through this. I too could see where I was at fault for my H EA. BUT the fact that he caught a disease from that choice is in no way your fault.
I would think he would being willing to do anything to protect you from this instead of complaining about it. It is the least he could do.
I think with everyone else you are getting horrible advice from your MC. There may be 1000's of people with this disease but your not married to THEM.
Whether you can work through this is going to be up to you. But he is going to have to realize that this is a major complication of the poor choices he made.
It sounds like this is just something that is going to be a constant reminder of what he did. We try not to bring up my H online A, and try to get past it the best we can but that is hard for your H to do because here is the constant reminder.
But by all means don't bow down to your beliefs. You should not jepordize your health just so he will feel better.
Good luck today.

Well, that went well &#8230; NOT!<p>We went to lunch at a park, pretty secluded which turns out was a very good thing.<p>I reiterated all my concerns and asked if he could perhaps be more sensitive to my need for protection. I told him I loved him and in no way felt he was dirty. That my need was only to protect my own health, I reminded him that hopefully, one day soon, I would be the vessel for our baby, his heirs. Keeping myself healthy would be better for the pregnancy and birth. <p>He agreed but still felt I should trust him and his discretion of &#8220;when&#8221; sex should occur based on being symptomatic-less. He also told me that he hates the feel of condoms, which is another thing I didn&#8217;t know. He said he wants to stop using them all together. I guess it&#8217;s important to know my H&#8217;s most important EN is SF &#8230;. Duh! <p>I told him I need time to think, and he got angry at that. He said he thinks because I took him back that I should accept him as is, that sharing a life together and being married shouldn&#8217;t have stipulations contingent on one&#8217;s health, or lack of. I said that is true, but that he didn&#8217;t tell me he had GH when we decided to reconcile, that he told me after a month of being back together, and to me that is withholding the truth. That he wasn&#8217;t allowing me to make my own decisions based on the truth. <p>Things then escalated to him yelling at me, saying it shouldn&#8217;t matter if he had it or not, that love was what was important, that he now thinks my love is conditional because I have this issue with his health &#8230; I interrupted and said it wasn&#8217;t HIS health issue I was concerned about, that this was about my health.<p>Needless to say it all went to hell-in-a-hand-basket after that. We got no where accept further apart, and he more angry than ever. <p>I may just find an IC for myself because I really need help with this. Don&#8217;t know if I&#8217;ll continue MC with my H, at least not with that counselor. I really don&#8217;t know what to do now. I&#8217;m pretty sad, after surviving the affair and now this, it may very well end my marriage.<p>Thanks for listening.<p>~Rachel~

Well Rachel, I have one more comment and one suggestion.<p>First, your love IS conditional. It should be conditional on him FULLY recovering from his affair and being sensitive to your needs and showing a sincere desire to meet them, IMHO. Unconditional love, again in my humble opinion, is reserved for children and parents. There can be temporary unconditional love between spouses to ride through the expected downs of a relationship, but this can't and shouldn't be sustained.<p>Suggest to him that he come here to talk to us. "Education" is usually reserved for WSs who have come back far enough from the dark side to stomach the introspection necessary to learn. You need to judge this. <p>Also, pick up Harley's books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair if you haven't already done so.<p>Good luck,
WAT

Originally posted by Twyla:<p>cl,
I disagree..if the HSV test comes back positive there is no need to wear condoms except during an outbreak. Condoms should be used until the "window of opportunity" has passed for all STDs..ie test, use condoms until retests done 4 months later are back.
T <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>
I hope I did that right...anyway<p>Twyla,
Sorry but I disagree, maybe you should read Justthewife's post on herpes info. Herpes can and most likely will be spread even when symptoms are not present.<p>Can't remember the name of the original poster....<p>but as far as the condom issue goes, whether you wear one or not really doesn't matter, if you plan to stay in this marriage and continue having sex with your H then eventually you will get it whether he wears one or not. His penis wil not be the only infected part of his genitals, but it is the only part that is covered by the condom. Even when he is not showing symptoms he could still be capable of transmitting the virus and skin to skin contact is all it takes. I do agree with some other posters that it is not as bad as you would think, but then again that depends on the person and how they feel about it.<p>bridgette

Rachel...from what I've seen in the last 2 years on boards such as this one...if your husband isn't feeling remourse and taking full responsiblity for the affair...you could be setting yourself up for this all over again. I sure wouldn't be willing to risk getting a disease that would follow you and any FUTURE relationships over a marriage that isn't on it's way to really getting "fixed". His anger and blame will lead you further down the wrong road. Get your own counselor...let him do what he wants. Find someone YOU are comfortable with. If he decides he really wants the marriage he'll do whatever it takes to keep it...he's not, is he?

Some1Mom,
Exactly...many people have the HSV virus and never knew they had it. <p>We were part of the clinical trials for the HSV blood test when it came out..well over 50% of those having positive tests reported never having an outbreak.<p>But, the real point here was very well defined by WAT...Love is conditional..recovery is conditional..on both parties communicating and reaching accord on very difficult decisions.<p>Rachel, the herpes thing will weigh on your mind for a while...as will his lack of remorse and ownership of the A. It takes time for all of these issues to be worked thru. The MB principles will help you get a handle on this...<p>T

{{{{{{{{{Rachel}}}}}}}}}<p>This thread sure has brought up many more issues than GH, hasn't it? As terrible as you must feel, it is probably a good thing that you consider it as a series of questions rather than narrowly the question of whether you should continue to insist on the use of a condom by your H.<p>Here are the issues that seem to have been raised by the various replies that you have received:<p>1. whether this MC is helping the situation - it appears virtually unanimous amongst replies that the answer is 'no!';<p>2. whether IC for you could help - a number of replies suggest 'yes', including your own;<p>3. whether your H is really taking ownership of (responsibility for) his A, his part in the breakdown of the M, and his responsibility for bringing GH into your M - seems like 'no' from the information that you have shared here;<p>4. whether your H needs some education on what having GH means to him and his sexual partner - seems like 'yes';<p>5. whether you would benefit from learning more about GH, especially as it relates to conceiving, having a baby, and passing it to your future children;<p>6. whether you need more information on whether condom use prevents or lessens the risk of infection - it seems like MBers are saying that condoms will prevent contact with lesions on the covered area and not others, therefore it will lessen risk but will not prevent infection completely;<p>7. if the chances are that over time, even with use of a condom, you are very likely to be infected with the virus that causes GH, can you accept this eventuality;<p>8. whether there are control issues at play in your relationship, given your H's stance that he should be able to exercise discretion on 'when' you have sex based on his assessment of his GH condition, and your H's anger at you because you won't love him and his STD and share his STD willingly;<p>9. whether you and he might want to continue with the status quo (continue using condoms) until some time in the future when your M has had a chanse to recover more; your H's stance seems to have many MBers concluding that he is not really remorseful or owning his part in the situation or taking responsibility for the A or doing what it takes to rebuild your M with you.<p>I have probably left out some of the points raised by others, but I thought I would try to encapsulate the many issues raised. Clearly it is not simply a question of your H not liking condoms versus your discomfort with contracting this virus. There is much, much more going on here, IMHO.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

OneDay - an excellent summary.<p>Another suggestion, Rachel - along with considering pointing your H in this direction, maybe it would be appropriate to print this thread out and give a copy to your counselor?<p>WAT

Is anyone around this evening? Need to talk.

What's up peanut?

Putting one ear infected kid back to bed, will return in 15 minutes.<p>Promise.<p>Hang tight ok?

Faster than expected. Ready when you are. I'll keep popping back here while I surf.<p>Elizabeth

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rachel Winston:
<strong>She told me my H has told her he hates using condoms, and he feels like I think he's dirty because I've requested he do so. She said this issue could ultimately affect our sex life in a very negative way. <p>~Rachel~</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am flabbergasted and horrified at what passes for brains these days. The above statement is so bereft of logic to leave one speechless. But I will try. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She is putting your H's "feelings" above your HEALTH and your FEELINGS. He is the one who contracted this dirty disease so *HE* is the one who should suffer the consequences, not you. Not an innocent bystander. He should be "feeling" the consequences of his dreadful actions. <p>And yes, contracting GH through an illicit affair usually does tend to "effect one's sexual affair in a negative way." It isn't your REACTION to said GH that caused said problem but the contraction of the disease and the affair. Good God.<p>Please get a counselor whose elevator goes all the way to the top. Her lack of logic is an insult to females everywhere.

Amen.<p>Rach? You still up? I'll keep checking in.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>Amen.<p>Rach? You still up? I'll keep checking in.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
what are you girls doing up so late???? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Rach said she needed to chat and asked if anyone was still up.<p>She never came back, <p>Hopefully she found a girlfriend to talk to or just fell asleep. Poor thing probably needs some rest.<p>I'll try and connect with her tomorow.<p>Elizabeth<p>Hey, What's with you up so late Mel?

I don't know anything about GH, but the title of this thread struck a cord. I know counselor's are human beings with human insecurities. I thought, maybe this assessment is from a counselor with an issue regarding his/her own STD's. <p>After reading your posts on what your couselor has said, it sounds like she may have GH. Maybe she can't confront your fears without feeling damaged or dirty herself. Can you go with your husband to a consultation regarding GH with your Gyno?