I hope you didn't think I approved of the topless bar thing..I don't and I think setting your boundaries is a MUST..as well as following up on them.<p>What I was trying to do is to point you in the direction of the LB and Plan A areas on the board. You can do both and still maintain the boundaries you have stated.<p>Men seem to sleep through crisis..we women tend to worry..I was incredulous after he told me of his A that he was able to go right to sleep while I paced and cried.<p>How to bring it up? Well, be very direct, open and honest. Tell him that you love him and are willing to work hard to have a marriage where both of you can be happy. Tell him about the MB concepts, and together plan some time each week to explore them together. Pursue counselling either with the Harleys or counselour you feel comfortable with. Let him know your boundaries. Ask him what things he would like to have in his marriage...all this done without blame, recrimination..in other words..know the LB's and stay away from 'em..they are poison to a marriage.
Good Luck,
T

Gosh. Can I relate. I really feel like a fool, too.<p>I never had a problem w/H going to strip clubs. Actually had gone with him more than a couple times. The girls were nice & friendly. It even kinda spiced up our sex life a bit.<p>Turns out H had PA with dancer in bar. Started out as a lap dance. He had been drinking. He started touching (a lot of touching from what I understand) she didn't stop him and it escalated to oral sex.<p>Someone posted that him going to a topless bar won't destroy your marriage; love busters will. But if him going to these bars falls in one (or more) of your love busters, it very well can destroy your marriage, or do some major damage at least.<p>We have been talking a lot. If you are out to fix your marriage and make things better, you have tyo converse. Sometimes what we think is not what IS, just like what he may think may not be what IS for us. <p>Good luck - and I agree with you. Those topless bars/strip clubs are not as harmless as they are made out to be...

Thank you for your response.Yesterday I spent a long time in the computer to avoid contact with my husband and I want to get his attention,and at night he finnaly started conversation,I sais a lot of things,how hurt and lost I am,and he keeps asking me what do I want to do,I don't know if it is to early,but I told him that after angry and hurt leaves I am still the one that loves him and want to try again,I said we need counseling,to help us guide and to gain trust in our marriage we did the questionaries together ( LB and emotional)and we talked about some issues.Well he said we need to sleep now tomorrow is another day.
I told him that I have learned a lot since what happened,like how the affairs start,etc...He wanted to know where have I learned this things and I told him that I am reading a lot and checking things on the internet.I hope that we can make it again this time...I get so sick just thinking about this places...I am so sorry for all of you that are going trough this situation as Iam.Thanks

Is Anybody there that Want to talk about my situation?I am not sure how should I handle this,we are living in the same house Iam doing everything the same taking care of the kids,etc the main diference is that we are not sleeping in the same room and I don't start conversation like how was your day? I am pretty hurt and depressed,crying over anything,can't take the image away that some women all over my H,makes me sick thinking that he was there touching those women then coming home and sleeping next to me,any advices how to get this out of my head?Thank you

I highly recommend counseling with the Harleys. Read everything you can about this site. Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty are my favorites. <p>I think a BIG part of recovery is
1) accountability
2) doing something different than what you have tried before
3) setting appropriate boundaries.
4) stick with the facts of what you know and what he tells you - don't feed your fears imagining what things might have been like.
5) allow yourself time to grieve. Schedule 30 minutes a week - Every Fri from 12:00 - 12:30 I will grieve about this. Then as it comes up during the week remind yourself now is not the time. This allows you to grieve but you won't be consumed by it. <p>Also, start a new thread sometimes...people think you are well taken care of when you have a lot of replys and may not even read. Not too many replys in the evening, its more busy in the daytime. Keep posting.