yes, my H had a week long afair when he was back home visiting his family.
Do I wait for him to say something? Or do I tell him?
I have butterflies in my stomach.
I do not know how to say why I snoop.

Hi, <p>Can you please give a bit more info? <p>Thanks,
L.

Hi azwoman,
Why do you have to explain your snooping? Why not just tell him what you know? He might deny it tho. Still, I think it is worth confronting. He will continue to disrespect you if he thinks he can continue deceiving you. What if you just ask him straight out if he still wants to be married to you or if he wants to go be with his OW? Then, tell him you are not going to try to change his mind, but you prefer to save your marriage and unfortunately there is no room in it for another woman. Are you already working your Plan A? Now is the time to really turn up the volume on your Plan A--meet his top emotional needs and no love busting. GO FOR IT!

I agree wholeheartedly with the above post (binthere). Had I caught my WH while he was having the affair, I would have asked him to choose, not try to force him to quit. Is the A over? Or is this something that he does with the OW everytime the opportunity arises? If he does this repeatedly with different OW, then he may have an addiction problem. Those are hard to address and overcome by the BS. They must be tackled by a willing WS. (kind of like you can't quit drinking for someone else.) If it's over, try having a heart to heart. Tell him, I've heard about, discovered, suspect, (whatever you think will work best) some things that happened while you were out of town. I am your wife and I want you to be totally honest with me. Your honesty is the only thing I'm asking of you right now. - Then ask a baby question - test the waters. Something like "What exactly did you do while you were out of town?" Take his answer and go from there. If he looks like he's going to try to lie out of it, you'll have to pin him down a little tighter. Tell him you aren't trying to tell him what to do, but you need to know the situation that YOU are in so that you can make some decisions.

azwoman,<p>You do need to tell him you know about the affair but you don't have to explain or justify your snooping. Don't give away your sources - don't tell him HOW you know this. It sounds like you will need these sources in the future and you don't want to lose them. You don't have to "prove" to him that he had a week long affair, because he already knows it.<p>And you dont' have to explain WHY you snoop. He knows and you know why you snoop: because he is untrustworthy and doing bad things to harm you behind you back. If he is doing bad things to you behind your back you should be snooping to try and protect yourself. He doesn't have a right to destroy you in private.<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

No, maybe there is a mis understanding. He really did not tell me he showed a mutual friend a picture of her and he told me about it. This was back in Aug of 01. He knows I know about the affair.
My H told me some pretty rotten things like "I love you but I am not in love with you", "I do not think I can be happy here or away", Things like that my H said if you would have given me more attention. ETc.
He found out yesturday that I was snooping on a website he visits. It is not a bad site it is classmates.com. I registered under an alias so I could look on the message boards of his school back in Buffalo.
I accidently fogot to log off and when he went to the site my alias was registered. So, he knows that I was snooping. That is what I was talking about.
I did not find anything. So, I guess as long as he stays clean I have nothing to worry about? I still feel I have a need to snoop just to be sure.

azwoman, if both of you are committed to making the marriage work, then maybe you should back off of the snooping. The way I'm looking at it 4 mo. after D-Day is that if my WH is continuing in his A, it will come out. Eventually I will be faced with irrefutable evidence. I won't have to snoop constantly to find it. And when that day arrives, I'll deal with it. Until then I try to make each day as pleasant as it can be. Because I love him and it's important to him to be able to regain my trust. Even though I may not totally trust him ever again, he needs to see a step of faith from me to encourage him to continue to be faithful.