Hi. A number of months ago I contacted an old college sweetheart, just to see how he was doing, how his life was going, was he alive and well.<p>I have always tended to stay friends with former flames, even when we have both moved on, just platonically.<p>Well, this one replied with a vengeance. I was very surprised. I knew he had been married for several decades, and I thought he had the romance of the century. In fact, I wanted to know how they were both doing, how many kids, careers, etc.<p>Instead, he immediately told me they had been miserable (which was a huge surprise), had no kids, he had been to a divorce lawyer, and essentially stayed out of laziness. He was also afraid to live alone. He came on to me really strongly. It was easy for me to fall head over heals in love with him in a matter of months. However, we lived several states away, and I insisted that I would not start an affair with him. That I would either be friends, or would become involved with him as a romantic relationship only after he had left his wife, which he had been insisting he planned to do.<p>Finally, a long holiday weekend approached. He loaded his belongings into his van, left his wife a note saying he was leaving her, and came down to be with me. We had a spectacular weekend, and he told me it was the beginning of the rest of our lives together. He talked of marriage, kids, etc., and buying me a diamond. At the end of the weekend, he was going to move in with a neighboring cousin or a motel, and gather his plans for who got the house, etc, and file court papers. <p>He did not call that night to say he got back OK, so when I called him the next day at the office, I was astounded to find out he had simply driven home from me to his wife. He decided he had such a joyful time with me, that he should be able to bring this joy into his marriage with her.<p>I was in shock. All my "support" network told me he was just scared, and he would be back. That it was hard to just leave a decades old marriage. After several weeks, he made it clear this was the case. And that he was still miserable.<p>Meanwhile several months have elapsed, he is still in touch with me telling me how much he loves me, making weekend dates with me, cancelling me half the time. He has not told his wife about his affair--cause now that is what it has turned out to be.<p>I have to say that I ended a relationship to be with him, a less than happy relationship. I told my ex-fellow immediately after I had been with this new guy, because that is the right thing to do.<p>Now, he is once again insisting he can save his marriage. I think he can't save his marriage without telling her the truth, because then it is built on a lie. I have gotten angry enough at his hemming and hawing that I have been tempted to tell his wife. I feel like he manuevered me into having an affair, now he is happy from the charge he got, and he has no consequences.<p>Can any of you out there say whether you would rather not have known if your spouse was having an affair? <p>I am conflicted in what to do, and to be honest, probably in my motivations for doing it at this point. <p>Thanks.

Hi MJay,<p>I'm sorry for your hurt in this bad situation.<p>I say walk away. And DO NOT contact his wife.<p>I think you're wanting revenge, you want him to hurt like you do, it's human and understandable. Your motives in wanting to contact his wife are not to help his marriage, I think they are to seek vengence. <p>And that's the key word here "Motive".<p>I agree that she should know, but you telling her is not the way to go, at least not right now. Your wounds are still fresh, your words to her would not show any compassion right now.<p>BTW: In the future I would suggest that if ever a married man, separated or not, approaches you, to thwart all his advances .... Married is Married.<p>Love,
Jo

Resilient,<p>Thanks for your words, which are obviously from the voice of experience. It simply rips me that he gets off scott free. He will never tell her, there is no trace of "us stuff" in their home. He will simply come off with a better marriage.<p>I think I would say more "justice" than vengeance, and I am confident that I could tell her in, if not compassionate a way, a fair informative way.<p>As for fresh wounds, it has actually been a few months now since he has played this "I can't decide game." If you KNEW how much bad stuff he said and how long it took him to convince me that "us" or no "us" he was going to leave her, last fall.<p>As for the staying away from ALL married men, separated or otherwise, that has always been my policy. I made the exception for him, because he was my "first great love" back in college, and I considered it a miracle or gift that now after all these years, he had actually fallen in love with me. So much for exceptions.<p>Anyway, thanks for your words. Know any books that help the "other woman" get over it (I HATE that title!)<p>MJay

Married is married...this is so true...cause it really isn't over until it's over....but it is very easy to get sucked in. He won't get a "better marriage" out of it...because he hasn't learned anything. He's got some really tough roads ahead...and although you care and are probly curious...that's one ex-beau I'd NOT look up again!!

It doesn't make any difference what your motives are, you are a co-conspirator in a terrible deception of another human being, and you can only redeem yourself by telling her the truth (hopefully in a compassionate way)..THEN have nothing else to do with this lieing, two-timing people user...if you don't tell, you just let him get away with it....and he has probably done it before. Do not victimize this woman any more than you allready have, she DESERVES your honesty...otherwise I don't know how you can sleep the rest of your life.

I have a different take on this. Could it be that he never had any intention of leaving his marriage? The fact that he had an affair points to the marriage not being perfect but maybe he lied to you about the state of the marriage. You said he left his wife a note saying he was leaving her but all you have is the word of a liar.<p>I'm sorry to be the devil's advocate here. I sometimes see things differently than most here do. I'm not so sure I would tell her. If you're doing it to "save" her that's one thing but to seek revenge is wrong IMHO. <p>I agree that married is married and you knew he was. You even said you would have nothing but a friendship until he divorced his wife. This may be a hard lesson learned for you. Good luck and stay strong.

sad_n: how do you suggest I do this? And yes, I would not do so in any cruel way. I don't know if I can quite go so far as compassionate, but certainly fair, informative, and not unkind.<p>I have been urging him to tell his wife all along, as it is the right thing to do. (I told my now ex-boyfriend right away, right after our weekend. In fact, I even told him BEFORE it happened, that I was unhappy with our relationship, what I thought was missing, and how I was starting to become interested in someone else. He ignored this.)<p>Has this happened to you? I mean, what is the "way" to tell her? By phone? By letter? By "accident"? meaning, leaving a suggestive message for him? (too underhanded for my taste). I still think HE should tell her. But it has been nearly 5 months and he still refuses to tell her. He went to a shrink over this and told the shrink I want him to tell her, and the shrink told him he shouldn't tell her.<p>He insists that if I tell her, I will be "ruining his life"--but the way I see it is HE ruined his life the minute he came down here, he gave up the right to his marriage.<p>Anyway, I am "whelmed" with agita over this. Thanks all for responding.

Tiny Dancer, actually I said I would have only a friendship unless he "left" his wife, I didn't say divorce. In the state he lives in, it takes a year to divorce. The thing was, I BELIEVED him that his marriage was unhappy and that he was going to leave, because the last time we were in touch, he was glowing and happy and very protective about her. So when he went ahead and left, I TRUSTED that he was truly gone and was going to divorce her.

The protocol is fairly simple, a brief letter with the pertinent facts re his representations to you, your apologies for something that went awry and has been an injury to her, and your willingness to be available by phone, email, whatever to answer appropriate questions, or take your lumps (one time for lumps IMO)...it is an unpleasant, distasteful cirucmstance, but you are an adult, you placed yourself in it, now you have pbligations to right the wrong.... But first you tell the reluctant ws it is much BETTER if he tells, for their marriage, and his wifes well-being, and give him 48 hrs or whatever....but make it clear you are going to contact her regardless, so no point in his lieing about it. You can use a 3rd party (lawyer, PI, minister maybe, ) intermediary if you wish, I don't think annoymous works, cause she is going to need to verify with you whatever she hears...if she wants. I think the likelihod he has done this repeatedly is very great, you were a target of opportunity, and he reacted too skillfully IMO...she needs to know, it is the only decent thing to do...and you are elected by your choices....unless you want to be no better than him...ya know? You can run, but you cannot hide from yourself.

I just have to add this...so you might be prepared. You are not some poor duped little girl...you knew he was still married when he first contacted you...you were party to the steamy letters...and you offered yourself to him IF....thereby the offer was made. You are a party to what happend...even if you don't wish to hold any of the responsibility. My OM tried that...to put the blame on me. He had every opportunity to not respond to flirtations and when things got too much he could have broken off contact because of the inappropriatness of it all. He chose not to, just as you did. You didn't get what you expected...but that doesn't make you innocent either. Don't expect the wife to thank you, and don't expect her to buy your side of things totally if at all. More likely the cheating lying husband will give her a nice big line of bull (especially with 48 hours notice!!!) so that she makes you out to be a liar. Who knows...just be prepared.

I agree with SNL on this one. If I were she, I’d want to know. And I would not care who it came from, only that I finally got the truth. The truth, however hurtful, is easier to deal with then the unexplainable things that go bump in the night. Have no doubt that she is aware of ‘something’, though she may not know what that something is.<p>An ‘accidental’ message would be cruel and classless. It would only lead to more confusion and hurt for her.<p>I like SNL’s suggestion of how to tell.<p>There is a popular theory that one should never tell their spouse of their infidelities. That doing so only serves to alleviate their own guilt by hurting their spouse. Many people would give that advice. However, the MB concepts say that radical honesty is the only way to go.<p>Do be as kind to his wife as you can. Do not use this as a way to extract revenge on him. She has been hurt enough by his lies and deceptions.

RUN! Your college sweetheart is a snake who would bring his problems from his current marriage to you. In fact, he already has. If you really want to help, have nothing more to do with him!

"Can any of you out there say whether you would rather not have known if your spouse was having an affair? "<p>Well unfortunately this is not your decision to make. Your reasons for wanting to tell his wife are totally selfish. You want to hurt him and you are angry. I think you know this, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning this.<p>Honey I am SORRY for this. I know this is very painful for you. You need to stand up for yourself. This man is a liar and a player. You deserve much better than this. You deserve 100%. <p>He said he is not happy in his marriage. He says he can't live alone. Instead of working at his marriage he seeks another woman instead. Do you *really* want someone who is so confused and can't make a solid decision!?<p>He is having his own little party with cake and ice cream too. You are serving it to him on a silver platter. <p>RUN NOW!

P.S. The most honest thing you could do would be to exit their marriage.

Sheesh. The votes are about even about whether to tell the wife or to run silently screaming. I STILL think he should tell, but have been unable to convince him. He wants everything to stay the same and telling his wife would "ruin his marriage" (as opposed to starting the affair in the first place ruined his marriage.<p>yes, you are all correct, my reasoning right now is running screamin, but I won't do anything drastic, and I won't do anything immediately.<p>Did I mention that he told me that "she will hunt you down if she finds out, and we own firearms."<p>Anybody else, any more thoughts?<p>I am kind of at a crisis point.

I have 2 things to say. First of all doesn't she already know considering he left her a note and took all of his things when he came to be with you?<p>
Second things regarding this
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Did I mention that he told me that "she will hunt you down if she finds out, and we own firearms."
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>If that is a valid threat you can call the police. But I'd like to know when and where he told you this. Are you still continuing to call him?<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: TinyDancer ]<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: TinyDancer ]</p>

I would definitely want to know. My H had an affair with my former best friend. That was 6 years ago and I just found out 8 mos ago. I feel like everything during those years was a big lie. He also exposed me to the threat of stds without telling me. I unknowingly slept in the bed where he was with her and was physically sick when I found out. Haven't slept there since.<p>Our counselor told us that God hates adultery so much that he would want us to tell. I know what a fool I feel like for believing him/her when they said 'nothing happened.' Perhaps you could do it anonymously? I don't know what to tell you. But yes, I'd want to know.

tinydancer--no, his note merely said he was unhappy and was leaving. No mention of me. That is, if there really WAS a note. He simply went back home and walked in and said "I want us to work things out." He never mentioned me.<p>As for the firearms, I insisted he remove such a threat. He supposedly removed them from his house, and may have said it out of desperation. But he did say it, and the words are still in the back of my mind.<p>Also, you can't call the police that someone MIGHT threaten you given they had information they don't presently have. HE wasnt' threatening me. It would no way be taken seriously by police as a threat, because she never made it.<p>His is a very formidable sweet talker. Apparently that is what it is.<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: MJay ]</p>

maggierose: thanks for replying. how, may I ask, did you find out so recently after all those years? <p>I think he thinks he can hide it forever, and the more time goes by, the more his "slate" will be cleaned. I think it will be worse, and that he can't possibly save his marriage if the saving is based on a huge lie. I keep repeating this over and over when he tells me he wants to do the "right thing." I ask, don't you think she would WANT to know. He answers, " she would SAY she would want to know."<p>he also claims to be afraid to live alone. He is a type I diabetic, and has gone into insulin shock a number of times in his sleep. If she hadn't been there, he would have died.<p>I neither understand why he insisted he wanted to leave her (it took him months to convince me) and then why he changed his mind after starting with me! <p>Anonymous or not, if I send a missive, all hell will break lose in his home, he tells me, and she will definitely leave him and I will have "ruined his life." I also worry, what if she leaves him and he dies in his sleep of insulin shock?<p>It is exhausting rolling this around in my mind.

How in the world can you feel responsible for his medical issues...you are essentially saying his wife must continue to live her life a lie because it benefits HIM the guilty party cause he needs her to take care of him medical needs...and benefits YOU cause you need to not feel guilty about his medical needs...the two of you are co-conspirators in stealing this womans dignity, and her right to self-determination...there is NO way you can rationalize your way out of this....the ONLY way YOU can recover your dignity is restore hers....otherwise you spend the rest of your life living in the shawdows, hiding your face...and what man would ever have anything to do with someone capable of such an action and walking away from it worrying only about how it affects her? If she comes after you, so be it, you deserve it, not likely though, especially given the lies you were fed.....so what if she throws him out and he dies in his sleep...that is a natural consequence, a deserved one, and is in God's hands anyways....Not to mention he is lieing through his teeth anyhow, diabetes is an eminently treatable, manageable disease, and even if true, who decides his wife should be enslaved to him on that basis? This man is probably a pathologic liar, and you are ensnared in his web...do NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOU.... let the truth set you and his wife free from this sociopath....if you don't do the right thing, you are tainted goods forever, and his wife a victim in bondage to his lies....do it, do it NOW.