MJay what do you mean you aren't scorned and you tell each other you love each other? You said he left you. You said you wanted justice. You said so many different things and now you defend him. I don't understand.

I'm afraid my vote is for telling the wife. She really does deserve to know what kind of man she is married to and yes, I think it is very likely he's done this LOTS before if they've been married that long!<p>I understand your apprehension about her reaction, especially with his warnings about firearms.....but this could just be a tactic to keep you silent. This guy seems to be a master of deceit, like all guys who screw around on their wives.....<p>If you really fear her wrath, don't give any personal details like your name, etc., but give her enough details that she can't deny the probability of the truth of it. (But also realize he might spill it all when pressed. These guys also want to get the monkey off their back as soon as possible.) I know I really would want to know (if I truly didn't have a clue) about my H's 'outside interests.'<p>Realize if you give him 48 hours notice or some other kind of warning, he's going to give her some **** and bull story about a woman who WANTED him to have an A, but he WOULDN'T and you're trying to get back at him and ruin him....or some other concoction. These guys will do anything to save their little double lives and nothing is beneath them.<p>I'm glad you woke up and smelled the coffee. This was a no-win situation. I understand how it happened, but still it did and now there's a mess to deal with! It stinks no matter how you clean it up! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good Luck~
amazingrace

MJay, I called you the instigator of this affair. For these reasons:<p>1. You contacted him.
2. When he poured out a flood of complaints about his wife, you encouraged him to do so instead of telling him it's inappropriate and he should rather be talking to her about his problems, or going to a counsellor.
3. You expressed very clear interest in him.
4. You told him in so many words that you would definitely get involved with him if he would leave his wife. Not even divorce her, just leave her.
5. You were only too happy when he supposedly left his wife a note and came running to you. Left her a note? And ran away?? Geeeez, MJay.... where's your self-respect here?
6. When he didn't call you after the weekend, you called him and continued to call him and try to break him away from his wife despite him telling you that he wants his marriage.
7. You kept on meeting him for illicit weekends despite the fact that "he kept cancelling on you." <p>This to me certainly looks like active pursuit!<p>This is not meant to be cruel. But as long as you see yourself as a victim, you'll never have the courage it takes to change and to become a person who is capable of giving and receiving love in a real and open relationship. Just like us BSs who've responded to you: as long as we see ourselves as victims of the WS and the OP, we haven't a snowball's chance in hell of recovery. And like the WSs who see themselves as victims of the BS and the OP. <p>BTW, I think you're badly stung by having your victim role taken away from you... and seeing that it's true that MM's W is the only one who was engaged in this A by default...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MJay:
<strong>Melody, thank you. You have been one of few respondents who were not harsh, judgmental and unkind to me.<p>I have been condemned here; misquoted (he never said "go away"--I am not "scorned"--on the contrary, we love each other very much and tell each other whenever we speak); attributed motivations on my actions by strangers who know virtually nothing more than a few paragraphs about me.
[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: MJay ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MJay,<p>I am not going to pretend like your actions were noble, they were not. You need to see them for what they are. Love does not justify wrongdoing. And yes, I am calling what you do WRONG, because carrying on with a married man is always wrong. You should be able to judge right from wrong [our prisons are full of people who cannot]. You can't use a good thing [love] to justify a bad thing. Can a pedophile justify his actions with that excuse? Of course not. <p>Anyway, while I haven't seen you condemned here, I have seen your actions condemned, as they should be. I know it's hard to take criticism but that is a direct consequence of the choices you have made.

Melody,
I couldn't have said it better myself.