WH and I have been going through a lot of talks about stuff he did or say.
Turns out most of the horrible stuff he did and said he cannot remember. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He did a lot of things towards a lot of areas of our life as a couple. But there was nothing that made me feel worse than his nearly daily complaints or "suggestions" about my personal image.
Between these things the top are:<p>1. WH: "Why don't you tan more? You are so pale!"
2. WH: "Why don'y your braid your hair? Braid it!"
3. WH: "Your hair is too short"
4. WH: "Your breasts are too big" [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] (Now that one is surprising, no other male has ever made such a complaint! and I am a D cup)
5. WH: "You are too tall" (well excuse me! lol)
6. WH: "Why don't you cut your hair?"<p>Over time he'd repeat this "suggestions" over and over. I never did what he wanted, but it was a real battle for my self steem.<p>Now he claims he doesn't know why he said these things, (He repeated them over and over like a broken record for 2 years, give me a break!). He doesn't think he wanted me to look like OW, but it sure looks like it!.<p>He also says he wasn't ashamed of me, or that he didn't think I wasn't attractive. <p>I don't get it because he admitted he would think of other people while having sex with me, and often.
It all hurts a lot, and I really have no reason to even try to have any intimacy with him anymore, I just feel so used!<p>I don't understand how could he not remember what did he want or made him do stuff.<p>I am sadened that people can do so many terrible things and don't even think of it. *sight*.
All his answers go to :"I don't know" or "I was just crazy".<p>The part that scares me is that, when he used to fantasize about his exes while having sex with me is that he wanted to pshysically hurt them. He confessed no long ago that he wanted to "choke" the OW, rape her and hurt her.<p>I find this awfully disturbing. And now he claims he doesn't remember saying such a thing.<p>I am trying to help him, but I am terribly affraid for my own safety. For some reason I think he IS a monster, and I am just waiting around for him to snap my neck.<p>He is not violent, but he sure likes to fantasize about being violent. Any insight?
I am getting very scared and discouraged here.

Maybe he doesn't want to remember. Denial. It is a safe place for him to be. <p>In order for you to be in recovery he must admit his shortcoming, be willing to make an honest inventory of himself. He will NEVER change if he won't admit he has a problem. <p>I would suggest individual counseling and marriage counseling. He may even have some kind of Personality disorder. <p>When he said he wanted to hurt OW, what did you say? Was he drinking or does he do drugs?

Hmm he or his family been involved in abuse in the past? Maybe he was scared by something as a child... <p>I think individual counseling would be good for him.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by I LuvNprotect ME:
<strong>Maybe he doesn't want to remember. Denial. It is a safe place for him to be.
</strong><hr></blockquote>

I think a lot of repentant WS block things out. I know my H has. Since my best friend was once a WS (and in a recovered marriage) I have gotten a lot of interesting POV from her side. She said she knows that she said awful things about her H during her A, but that the pain of remembering specific things that she said was just too great, so she blocked that out. She was already overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. She also said that although she remembers saying (at the time) that she loved the OM, she can't remember actually having those feelings, nor can she imagine having any romantic feelings at all for the OM because the mere thought of him now makes her stomach churn.

Well he doesnit drink, drugs are waaaay out of the question. I can't even convince him to drink a glass of wine with me. He doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble... he is no fun really [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I agree, he needs individual counseling. He said maybe it was a lot of bottled up anger towards OW, she had been using for him for nearly 2 years before I even met him. He kept denying this to himself, thinking maybe the one that had screwed up that relationship was all on him, when in fact OW never wanted the relationship to work out, he was just her personal piggy bank.<p>He is master of denial. He can cheat himself into everything. Love, sadness. He could be a terrible man back then, and only now is he figuring it out.
I know it pains him terribly to see how much had he made himself believe he was actually doing everything right and that everybody else was just crazy.<p>This doesn't only cover our relationship, but all of his life! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] He has been in a 30 year denial and fog. <p>Sometimes I feel sad because I believe the man I fell in love with never really existed at all, and now I am left with somebody who is trying to find himself, and at the same time trying to fit into the description of the man he made me believe he was.<p>It is sad, terribly sad, but I can't figure our how am I going to help him. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]