For those unfamiliar with my story, my H has a years long "friendship" with another woman. He's in constant contact by cell phone with her as well as writing down everything that happens in his life so he can communicate with her.<p>He doesn't talk to me except in the most businesslike way. What to put on the grocery list, where to send our S for camp, did the dog get a walk. When I ask how his day went, he says the bare minimum. Never looks at me, hasn't touched me in over 4 years.<p>In snooping, I've found that he repeated stuff that I shared with him about cute things our S has said and done, things he wasn't there for.<p>One cute thing was when we were at a school family campout, everyone was comparing how dark their tans were. He is white as a sheet, a blondie. He quipped "There are a lot of white people in our family!" We all laughed with him, and he got a kick out of making everyone else laugh. <p>Since my H came later to the campground, I shared this with him. This was one of the very few times I've gone into his wallet to find his notes. My heart shrivelled just a little bit. Here was our family weekend, and he had to make sure to take the little gem I offered up to him and sparkle it for the OW. Do I sound petty?<p>Here's the latest thing. It made me so proud. I was out, and S wanted to return a defective toy to the merchant around the corner. I allowed him to go alone (he IS 13) When I saw him later, he told me he saw a homeless man at the shopping center with a sign asking for food. He said "I could tell he really was hungry and not scamming. So I came home and got him some crackers and a banana and an orange."<p>My son packed a homeless man a lunch! <p>This is the kind of thing I taught him. One Christmas eve, outside the church hall, an African immigrant stood begging. People had brought him plates of food, but he said "A sheet for sleep." I figured out he knew he'd be sleeping outdoors and he didn't have a sleeping bag. So I took our S home and got our mummy sleeping bag. S said "Mom, let me give him that nice warm wool blanket off my bed too." Well, that damn thing was quite expensive, but I was so glad to see him caring about a stranger, that I smiled and said yes. <p>We drove back to church and gave the man his bedclothes. Some homeless keep coming back, but we never saw this man again.<p>I am so proud of our S, that he followed through on his own to feed a hungry man. But I haven't shared it with my H. I don't want that jewel to sparkle for the OW.<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

I don't think you are being petty. Maybe once your H sees what he is missing he might come to his senses and start sharing in his family instead of gathering info. about them to share in with the OW. <p>Anyhow, share all you like with us. Your story about your son made me smile. That is precious and worthy of sharing, but I don't think that right now your H is ready to appreciate it properly, with you. <p>Take care, and I wish you the best.

((((((((((((((tutter13 [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )))))))))))))))))))))<p>Thanks. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"gathering info. about them to share in with the OW."<p>Thanks. That's how I see it. Instead of rejoicing with me, looking into my eyes and smiling, it's just a gift he gathers for the OW.

I'm glad it made you smile. Sometimes he receives A's on his school reports, etc., but if he brought home Ds and Fs and yet had the goodness he has, his goodness would be the thing I would value above everything.

Your kid has a great mom. And I don't think she is petty at all. One of the things I always had trouble with (and still feel bad about) is the fact that he used to share things, private things, with other people. That kind of intamacy almost is as bad as the physical sex to me.<p>What a cool kid. <p>Elizabeth

Gosh Belle,
I hurt when I read this. I think I am in the same marriage, they have emotionally distanced themselves from us and I dont know how to break through. Maybe seperation is the only thing that will do it.<p>My H is the same, hardly a word, bare minimum communicationw ith me, its like he makes an effort not to tell me stuff, to hold in his stories. Then I find where he called OW for an hour.... the last time he talked to me for an hour was years ago. We will go to his Moms and I hear more about his week and palns the I ever do otherwise. Its so discouraging.<p>I think he has truely emotionally divorced me... <p>Lora

Dear Elizabeth/justthewife:<p>Thanks.
"Your kid has a great mom." I feel really blessed to have a child. THIS child. He is wonderful. <p>"One of the things I always had trouble with (and still feel bad about) is the fact that he used to share things, private things, with other people. That kind of intamacy almost is as bad as the physical sex to me."<p>Thanks for that, too. The glue between us felt and still feels dissolved. It's as though his bonding with OW, his inability to turn off the cell phone in case she wants to reach him, drips constantly between us.<p>One thing that makes intimacy is the special secrets between the two of you. It's as though he takes it, what once made you as a couple so special, and showers it on this other person.<p>Even if he is being discreet, keeping the phone on "vibrate" so he knows when she is calling so that he can go walk the dog and answer her message, I know it is just special between them too. <p>There's another reason I haven't mentioned our S's action about feeding that homeless man. I'm not sure that my H wouldn't lecture him about how getting too close to a stranger like that could be dangerous. And that he ought to take his mother with him or his Dad if he wants to give charity.<p>It did cross my mind that the guy could be one of America's Most Wanted, and yet I didn't say anything about that. (I'm America's Most Neurotic)<p> Our son was making an independent action based on goodness in his heart. And I don't want to cripple that kind of caring by making him feel like a helpless little kid, or by criticizing him. I just said "I'm so proud of you!"

No Bellevue, you are not being petty. This is private family stuff, why in the hell is he sharing it with OW, it is so wrong. Not so much because of "what" he told, but for the fact he tells ALL. Those are imtimate priceless moments and potential memories, they belong to just your family. <p>You see what's happening Bellevue, by you trying to protect your family (understandably), you will now guard all the things that make a family a family. All because he feels it's also OW's business, which it isn't.<p>For some reason this type of thing is something that really pushes my buttons. My H shared very private info with OW, and lots of it ... ALL about ME. And she in turned used it. <p>Have you asked him about it Bellevue? Because in my book this is a boundary he is crossing. And because it's on-going I think you should confront him about it in a non-LB way .... if possile.<p>Sorry for what you're going thru. Love and enjoy your son, he is a true jewel. Your good example shines thru him, despite your H's misbehavior.<p>Love to you,
Jo

Double post ... sowwwwy!<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi Lora:
[QB]Gosh Belle, <p>"I think I am in the same marriage, they have emotionally distanced themselves from us and I dont know how to break through. Maybe seperation is the only thing that will do it."<p>Lora, I remember when we first posted to each other. You said that the cruelest thing is when they make you believe that you're crazy, and they do that to cover up their affair. (I'm paraphrasing)<p>"My H is the same, hardly a word, bare minimum communicationw ith me, its like he makes an effort not to tell me stuff, to hold in his stories. Then I find where he called OW for an hour.... the last time he talked to me for an hour was years ago. We will go to his Moms and I hear more about his week and palns the I ever do otherwise. Its so discouraging."<p>That's how it seems to me. Like talking to me would be cheating on the woman he really loves.<p>And like you, I find out more about his life when we are in the company of other people than I ever do when we are together.<p>"I think he has truely emotionally divorced me..."
Ditto. <p>Sorry kiddo.

Hi there, Resilient:<p>Not so much because of "what" he told, but for the fact he tells ALL. Those are imtimate priceless moments and potential memories, they belong to just your family. <p>Exactly. Were this an ordinary friendship, instead of something that has polarized the two of us and divided us, I'd be proud to share the cute things our son says and does. But it's almost as if we are the sawdust life, and his letters and phone calls to her are his fresh, juicy bowl of fruit life, and he endures being with us (me) but only to have fodder for his conversational mill.<p>"You see what's happening Bellevue, by you trying to protect your family (understandably), you will now guard all the things that make a family a family. All because he feels it's also OW's business, which it isn't."<p>Yes, that's it. He took away all hope nearly 4 years ago when he said he intended to leave as soon as our son grew up. Though I've made positive changes, they don't appeal to him. So the future few years are haunted by the promise of his leaving. And even those are being chewed up and polished as gifts to entertain the OW.<p>"For some reason this type of thing is something that really pushes my buttons. My H shared very private info with OW, and lots of it ... ALL about ME. And she in turned used it."<p>R, that's ultimate betrayal. I found out that he had written down, word for word, a private conversation we had during a walk. Our talk turned into an interview for her entertainment and opinion and advice. That was the day I snooped through his briefcase. That was one of the times I said I felt threatened by their friendship. It was before D day.<p>"Have you asked him about it Bellevue? Because in my book this is a boundary he is crossing." Yes, I confronted him in a LB way when I found the letter. And I don't tell him that I know he's still writing to her.<p>Thanks for your feedback and support. I'm not ready to break things up yet, though I'm not sure staying married like we are is really the best thing for our son. If I become convinced that it does more harm than good, I will end it.