Is it rational and reasonable to want to be reassured, both verbally and through actions, by the WS that he is committed and will continue to follow through with his commitment after he has written letters to past EA and PA stating his commitment to restoring our marriage? He says he is, but finds little time to devote to developing the skills and understanding necessary. Even approaching the task, acknowledging his behavior choices is very, very difficult for him.Is it rational and reasonable to trust his commitment if he is unwilling to take responibility for his behavior and continued choices?<p>It has been almost 10 months since I confronted my H of 34 yrs with questions regarding a relationship with another woman, which lead to 4 months of dishonesty and discovery that EA and PA had been happening for the past 15 yrs. Some of the woman allowed to continue the entire time, &#8220;off and on&#8221;, so to speak, the entire 15 yrs. I was trying a &#8220;Plan A&#8221; of sorts as I had not yet discovered MB. I was trying to positively deal with his complaints and share in the responsibility of failing to meet each other&#8217;s emotional needs. Meanwhile I was also trying to reconcile with the horror of the unfolding knowledge of multiple relationships that he allowed himself to sporadically make himself available to over all those years. <p>Ten months later, with still much troubled waters, I find myself waiting again for him to let me know just how much time and energy he is able to commit to actually aggressively building a mutually fulfilling relationship for both of us, instead of just &#8220;trying to be nice to each other and let things happen&#8221;, which he would prefer.<p>I think it takes more than that! Doesn&#8217;t it?
I would appreciate comments , thank you.

dear me42- i can offer no sage advice-for i am waiting too. found out about husbands affair in dec. i do believe that actions do speak louder than words. he is enjoying life having his needs met while i wait, hopefully they will get a clue soon.

IMHO your concerns are right on. I believe that the only reason that my marriage is in recovery is that my H has been doing very specific things to rebuild trust and commitment. After d-day and finding the MB books and this site, I told him that there were specific things I needed him to do or our marriage was over. We typically review how we are doing in meeting each other’s Ens, not LB’ing, etc. We have been in recovery for almost a year now. There are times when we start to slip, especially when he starts to get a bit complacent. Typically I do not react well to this and we have a more in-depth discussion and get back on track. <p>It sounds to me like some drastic changes are in order in your marriage.
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Zorweb
Thank you!Just your reply was a comfort I needed this AM.Something positive to hold on to.<p>I am not familiar with divorcebusting.com. I will check it out immediately!I heard mention of Dr Phil McGraw's book, Relationship Rescue, just this week and thought it might compliment MBs also. <p>I do like the approach of "earning your way out of a marriage" which he describes. It may sound like the flip side of MB but it gives positive ways/techniques to try to meet each others needs in marriage. I like that approach, rather than the selfish, self centered, "be true to yourself and figure out if you are right for each other", crapola. I think that selfish attitude is what gets couple into that trouble to start with! Why don't people see that!<p>Thanks so much for the info, I am grasping at anything positive these days!!!<p>I'll get back to you after I've read the site. Sorry to hear about the pain you both must have been experiencng. The choices we make do make life so hard sometimes. Hope you truly have found ways/techniques to fill the needs you both have and want in a marriage relationship. I do so want to be able to do that with my H. I want to be able to do that for him. Honestly,I think that is actually one of my needs. I also need to feel that in return from him. <p>Vicious cycle it seems...I loose all the way around!!<p> I don't want that! I am trying, I will continue to try harder...thank you, thank you for the motivation this AM. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]