Sometimes I want to be held, hugged, kissed and made love to. After the A, I am getting little or none of this. What do I do. Sometimes I want to find someone that will give this to me now. I know that it is going to take time to get this from my W. Maybe years is seems. Hope not!!<p>I see my W and I want to go over and kiss her or hug her like I used to before D-day. But I can't. I am afraid that it will be the wrong thing to do. I miss and need the affection.<p>Anyone have any suggestions?

I Spy,<p>You're barely two months into recovery, so this isn't an unusual situation. Have you discussed issues concerning recovery with your wife? If you haven't, I'd focus a discussion on what YOU can do to make her feel better about the marriage. If there are areas that she felt you were deficient, those would be good places to extend some effort. If she's not telling you much---guess. If you have any insight to the affair's dynamics, try to figure out what she was getting from the OM (other than physical stuff), and see if you can't do a better job.<p>If she's willing to discuss a plan for recovery with you---and is willing to put forward effort, then you're probably going to be able to quickly address this. The Harley counseling (888-639-1639 for appts) is terrific in helping you design a plan for recovery, and I would suggest that you call the MB office and have Steve or Jenn work with you.<p>If you create an environment where your wife feels safe (and loved), she will likely respond---after getting through the withdrawal of the affair. The only concern that I would have is if the two of them are still in contact, that's going to prolong the recovery process (or completely trash it).

Do you want to progress forward or just stay as you are? If you feel the desire to hold or kiss her, you need to at the very least express that. If you hold back you'll just grow resentful (which it sounds like you might be). Express you desire to touch her and if she pushes you away....you've got bigger problems! It takes DOING something, not just FEELING something and keeping it in or posting it here.

Try a gradual approach. Begin by putting your hand on her shoulder. If she doesn't pull back, kiss her on the top of the head. If she responds with a smile, then the heat is on!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Go forward until she pulls back. And if and when she pulls back, ask her what is troubling her. IN A NONCONFRONTATIONAL MANNER!! Don't attack her, it will make it harder to come back to where you were!! Maybe this communication will help you find the root of the problem. Do not have an A on her. Don't lower yourself to that standard. An A won't just hurt her, it will hurt you too. (this is a pep talk I give myself pretty regularly as I am the BS, and there are plenty of willing affairees out there!)

By the way, I noticed the age of the OM. Chances are she was involved with him because he listened to her. He was probably a good communicator. I speak of this from a near A experience.

I hear and understand what you are saying, but I don't think it is going to work that way. I don't think that we are really in recovery yet. I suspect A is still active although not PA. I get no reaction when I kiss, hug, hold or show any affection toward her. She does kiss me when we part to go to our offices, but it is an empty kiss.<p>I WANT HAPPINESS AGAIN. I WANT TO TRUST AGAIN. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE AGAIN. I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN. I CAN't TAKE THIS PAIN.

I can relate. Since I found out the truth about my H's affair, it would seem that I should be the one withdrawing. But it's just the opposite, he almost never wants to be intimate. Goes as far as rejecting me at times. If I were the WS, I'd be doing ANYTHING he wanted to feel better. He blames it on medication, but since he's been on it almost 2 years, I don't buy that 100%. This sounds terrible, but he is basically selfish and it's showing up in our love life as well.<p>I don't know what to tell you. 2 mos is not much time. I don't want to scare you, but it took me about 2 years to really feel better when I thought it was EA only. Now I've had to start all over again, knowing it was PA. Good luck.

ISpy,<p>I have been blunt with you in the past, and feel the need to do so again.<p>You have received a reply from one of the most knowledgable posters on this site - K. <p>Do you realize that this man Plan A'd his wife through a pregnancy by the OM, through an *almost* abortion (she changed her mind), through a birth of the OC (her baby biologically by the OM), and into a recovery process? <p>He is not a saint, but he might as well be. (Sorry K, I know you hate this kind of stuff!)<p>FOLLOW THIS MAN'S ADVICE!<p>All of us know how much you are hurting. My ex-H cheated with AT LEAST five women! We recovered through the first three... but sadly, we were not able to recover through the later two. There is so much more to my story, as I told you before, but I mention this simply to tell you that I understand the pain.<p>If you want to save your marriage, then you have to have a PLAN. If you have the money, CALL THE HARLEY'S to help you formulate it!<p>If you do not want to save your marriage, then continue doing what you're doing. <p>Something about your story touches me, and I'm stepping out on a limb with a little "tough love" with you. I know I stand the chance of alianating you... and if I have, I humbly apologize.

I Spy,<p>Ok, now is time to refocus. Yes you have needs and they are NOT being met. What to do??<p>You have received sage advice here. Now here's a couple more........ <p>1. The love? leave it alone for now. That is an overused and misunderstood word in the fog. So focus on other action words like, Appreciation, trust, kindess, respect, accountability and responsibility. Words that in essence show real love in action without saying it. <p>2. Read the book his needs/her needs. Us women confuse men like to other species in the universe. We thrive on confusing you. Well not really but it sure seems that way. Use this to your advantage. When she makes you feel like you can do no right, then don't try. Work on her thinking about U. In a good way of course but let her thoughts dwell on you. How? But not telling her everything when she is angry. <p>That's for starters. Get with Steve or Jennifer. They will have more constructive suggestions. You got some good people here helping U. K, NB, Dave, etc. <p>Chin up. You are not alone in this mess. <p>L.

Hola I Spy ....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I Spy Screams:
I WANT HAPPINESS AGAIN. I WANT TO TRUST AGAIN. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE AGAIN. I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN. I CAN'T TAKE THIS PAIN.<hr></blockquote><p>Almost every single BS on this and every board under the "Infidelity" forum wants what you want. We all need to be loved, touched, cherished ... we all want our lives back. It hurts so much.<p>The two words we all somewhat dislike hearing "TIME and PATIENCE" are what we all need to chant. T & P should be everyone's mantra, I Spy.<p>Try your best and keep yourself busy, find a hobbie you've wanted to do and get into it. Bury yourself in it. Make yourself happy, be good to yourself.<p>Keep posting and we'll continue to help you get thru this. You're not alone.<p>BIG HUG!<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I Spy - I know how you feel, I want someone to hold me, hold my hand, sit next to me on the couch, and to talk. My WH doesn't do those things either, he ignores me, and is quite selfish.<p>The WS is a selfish bunch. Counsel with the Harleys and read the Passionate Marriage book. Do as the others have stated here, it is hard, I know I am having a terrible day today.

Ditto, I was thinking today it would be nice to go out to dinner or have someone to cuddle up to. All things I took for granted.<p>When I feel like this, I try to find something to do. Sometimes its easier to just feel sorry for myself, but it just makes you feel worse, and pathetic.<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>