If someone would have told me that I would be looking at marriage books, and books on infidelity I would have told them they are crazy. But that is what I look at when I go to the bookstore these days.
I am hoping that someone on this board can help give me the tools I need to overcome what I think is an obsession with a marriedwoman. We started as friends and then I fell in love with her. She has not recepriocated those feelings.
I have been married for 18 years and this woman does not have near the qualities of those of my wife. But she has cast a spell over me. I think about her all the time. I find excuses to talk with her. Even after I talk with her I want to keep the conversation going. I miss her when she is not around. I hear songs and they remind me of her. I can not get her out of my mind. There are times when I feel so down.
I read a book on obsessive behavior and it talked about no contact for two weeks. I find myself missing her after a couple days. This is self destructive behavior.
Is there anyone else on here who has been through a similar situation. How did you get over it? I have been looking for spiritual help -- turning it over to God, but I am afraid of not having her in my life. I feel like I am dependent on her and that scares me.
I have read about the fog description. That applies to me, but I can not find my way out of it.
The worst part is is that this is not the type of woman I would normally pick. But I am so drawn to her.
Any advice?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, confusedman! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are NOT ALONE. Unfortunately, eh?<p>Okay, my advice - RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN.<p>If you continue this obsession (as you call it, and that's a good word for it) you will eventually have an affair (you are already dangerously close to an emotional affair, if not smack in the middle of one). <p>DO NOT share your feelings with this woman in the guise of "being honest"... I know about that one, and chances are, she feels the same, will be touched or flattered, and the game will begin.<p>I've been there.<p>Yes, read all you can, and please begin with the General Welcome in my signature line.<p>Best wishes...

Oh, and one more thing - <p>TELL YOUR WIFE HOW YOU FEEL.<p>She needs to know that your marriage is in danger, and it takes away the romanticism of the other woman.

cm,<p>I have not been in your position before, but I would agree with the advice of NB. She knows what she is talking about.<p>wwl

How much will power do you have? When I was tempted to enter into a EA, I had a little talk with myself. And fortunately I came to a much better decision than entering an affair would have been. How about this - Say "self, you can have this affair, but before you do so, the divorce with your wife must be final." It will shed a new light on things. You obviously don't think as much of her as you do your wife, so setting this limit might help shape your way of thinking. Not to mention if you decide to divorce, that means you are going to have to communicate with your wife about some of the problems in your marriage - that just might solve them!! No I'm not advocating divorce, in fact I don't think you want a divorce so what I'm trying to get you to do is decide that this other woman is not worth the alternative - a divorce. Now get in there and hug your wife and tell her she is the sweetest most beautiful woman you've ever seen. Take the energy you would have to put into the affair, and turn it toward you wife. Buy your WIFE flowers, take her to romantic dinners, surprise HER at lunch. Who's the most important person in your life? Someone you've developed a fantasy about or the sweet faithful woman you married years ago. WHICH ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOUR BEST INTERESTS? Your wife of course. And she already loves you - you don't have to worry about ifs, ands, or buts. My guess is that she's given you unconditional love for years. REWARD THAT LOVE. Be faithful to her. Not just in action, but in your mind and heart to. Take your mind off of this other woman, and put it on doing sweet things for your wife. Every time you think of the other woman, force yourself to put her out of your mind and replace that thought with one of your wife.<p>You are addicted to this OW, whether in your mind or in your outward life. It is up to YOU to break this addiction. Print off the Emotional Needs Survey and complete it with your wife. My guess is she's trying to do all of the right things for you, the things that have worked for 18 years, but she's probably missing the mark somewhat. (as you are probably not fulfilling her ENs either). And remember, if you go into an Affair, you are setting your wife up to become involved in one too. How would that make you feel?

confused man, good name by the way.. please have a long talk with your wife, and stay away from ths woman.. if it means... changing jobs.. etc.. this is a big mistake to even think about this... you need to work to fix your marriage, do not be attracted to another woman... it is wrong, wrong wrong and that is what the bad in the world does , try to break up the good... what a terrible feeling it must be... please stop what you are doing and seek help.. please tell your wife you need her more than ever and this is serious, you need her to help get over this hurdle in your relationship... ok? good luck, you must do this.

cm, I replied to your other post. <p>TELL YOUR WIFE. You need to start dialogue with her about this urgently.<p>Hang in there and just wake up to yourself. You said yourself she is not your wife, that tells me you actually love your wife and cherish her more than this other person.<p>What is it that she gives you, think about it and tell your wife you need this from her.<p>DO IT MAN!!!! SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

Hi Cunfusedman
You are my Husband.
In Dec of 2000 he became infatuated with a coworker. What did she have that I didn't? She was 29, She showered him with flatery and attention, She had tuns of sympathy for things she couldn't understand.
In Feb of 2001 the PA began. To his credit after this happened my H hinted he wanted to leave the marriage of course this never stopped him from sleeping with me.
In Nov of 2001 OW Calls to make sure I find out because she is desperate My H is seeing her for what she really is and doesn't want to be with her anymore. Telling me she figures I will throw him out. I didn't to my H's complete amazement I love him and have for the past 20 years.
His reasons for the A:
I was lost, confused it was like I wasn't me. I thought I didn't love you, I thought you didn't love me, I didn't like you, I didn't like myself. Did he ever tell me this? No. He should have it would have saved us both alot of he11.
The He11:
In the begining I felt nothing, I was in shock. And then the person I was ceased to exist. There was only despare, hopelessness, worthlessness, failure, anger, and many more emotions I thought I would never experiance. I screamed for 1 whole day. I begged My H to kill, I felt he already destroyed me from the inside it was just cruel to leave the shell alive. I tried to kill myself, but the knowledge of what that would do to our kids stoped me in the end. I think about it constantly all day long. I go to sleep with it I dream about it and it greets me in the morning when I wake up. The plane simple truth is my H baught a small amout of happiness and a big ego boost with my soul. I paid the price for his pleasure. Is that what you want? Because your wife will suffer. While the A was going on I knew something was definatel wrong. I suspected and drove myself nuts with my doubt. Well he was having his fun I was home crying not understanding why my H didn't seem to like me anymore and feeling guilty for suspecting him of an A.
This is just a small part of what will happen if you don't end this right now. You have giving this woman the power and she will use it to destroy you and your wife. The only way to get the power back is Honesty, Tell your wife the truth. Recommit to your marriage. Show he the attention she deserves. Or Leave your wife. But don't continue on this avenue, you are already being unfaithful. Please stop. The thought that your wife will experiance this devastation hurts my soul. No one should have to go through this.
DO THE RIGHT THING!
Passmeby

See CM, it can only lead to heartache for your wife, you and ow, and a whole bunch of other people.<p>You can choose your path, even if you don't think you have any choice, you do. Think about it. <p>Please talk to your wife, she deserves at least that.

My H's affair started exactly the same way. Problem was she was his employee, his parner's wife, and MY BEST FRIEND. It started with just talking (she was SUCH a good listener) and ended up with them having sex in her car, at her house (next door), making out in our office and IN MY BED which devastated me. <p>All affairs start with just talking. Find out what void she's filling quickly and DO NOT GO THERE.