It was very hard but I executed. Didn't tell him. I guess he tried to lock the door when he came to pick up D for nursery this morning. Calls me from cell and sounds hurt and angry. I did not react. I cried silently after I hung up.<p>Another thing...I went out last night with friends after 9:00 p.m. For the first time, I called my mother to come up for a few hours instead of H. I left at 9:00 and came home at 11:20. One of my friends drove my mother home.<p>H's comments were, "next time you go out and I'm not doing anything, it better be me that watches her." I said nothing but he was angry.

Your post reminded me of something that happened to me during my separation 6 years ago. My H was 'off' pursuing his affair with my (former) best friend. He was awful to me and didn't care how much he was hurting me. This came out of nowhere. One day he was having sex with me and the next he was seeing a lawyer. Anyway, I had my brother in law change my locks too. I left a very nice note on the door saying he could come anytime he wanted, to see our pets, or get his things, but I wanted advance notice so I could leave. It was so terrible being around him. He acted like he hated me and remember this was very sudden. emotionally I couldn't handle it. My MC said it was one of the first smart things I did. WAS HE MAD! He sent his friend looking for me as he needed his suit for work and couldn't get in the house. So I gave him the new key (which was dumb as he could have made a copy) and was pleasant. <p>Well, he convinved his parents that I was trying to 'keep his things from him' and went so far as having our mail forwarded to his parents' house 10 miles away. I lost it! So our bills, etc. were going to his mom's house. I called all of the companies and told them they could NOT change my mailing address without me agreeing to it, that my H was having a breakdown (which he basically was) and that they had better switch our address back. they did!<p>I'm sorry for your pain. It's such an awful thing to experience

Just one question...should I explain why I changed the locks or just remain "coy"?

Terrified IF he asks I would tell him that the locks wee changed because you need to maintain a distance and not allow him to come and go in your home when he isn't living there. If he doesn't ask then I would say nothing. That's just my opinion

Your doing great. <p>Remember, you didn't change the locks to punish him, you changed them to protect yourself (emotionally). Your the only one who is taking care of you now, he is not.<p>All your doing is giving him what he wants. He wants separation and space, your giving him that. <p>Don't tell him unless he asks. If he asks tell him that you are distancing yourself from him. Keep your replys short. Don't go into a big long explanation because really you don't owe him an explanation. of course him being the self-centered person he is will make it all about him, yes, I can see it pissing him off. oh well, thats not your problem, thats his. If you were in a marriage relationship in recovery than you would look for protecting him and not desiring for him to feel hurt or angry. But right now he is just reaping the consequences of his actions. He doesn't want you (so he thinks) but the more you withdraw the more he will question himself. Anger is a big part of it until he comes to the point of what is driving his anger - which is you not being there for him, when he recognises that (who knows how long that will take or if it will even happen - no guarantees) he'll come back, I believe.

T- Do you have a key to his place? Well, that kind of answers the questions... I do not think you do... I don't have one to my h's... and i even heard in the beginning he and the ow... both had keys... well I guess so, they were living together for a few weeks....<p>But anyway.... you should try not to get into a conversation about the lock change... just let him stew... tell him you wanted to make sure you and d were safe... ok?<p>h

T- I was thinking about his order that he get to babysit your D... forget his order... I would not allow him in your home alone... period... and do not let him babysit unless it is his scheduled visitation time... let him see how unfamily like it will be to be really divorced- stop his cake eating...<p>I am doing great today... I tend to get very tempted to think up some reason I have to talk to my h on the phone... in the car on my commute... so I accidently left my cell at home today... it was an accident... but it really helps in my calling ... him just because.. .and that is where I was getting my abusive comments from him... when I called...<p>well , if I stay away and not take the emotional abuse then he cannot dole it out anymore... .so there.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] same for you... I like I love and protect me's name.... we need to do some of that too!<p>Congrats on your big step towards taking care of you... don't you feel empowered? You are not letting him walk on you!!! awesome... and he does need a woman he respects that will not let him walk on her... to come home to... not like I have been... the ultimate doormat... because I love too much.. NO MORE! OK! As i step back again, I feel better again, what a concept? <p>hugs and congrats on taking care of you and D!<p>HOney

You are in charge of you. He is in charge of him. You are responsible for you. He is responsible for himself.<p>The locks where you live is no longer his concern. He no longer lives there. You give yourself permission to be safe--physically and emotionally.<p>You do not need his permission to go out. You are perfectly capable of choosing childcare person for your D. When D is on your time... it is your decision... In turn, I hope you are not doing childcare for him on HIS time... that would be his concern. <p>He gets his 'free' time. You get yours. It's call 'we're living separate lives' united only by your D.<p>His choice. You are just making the best of it.<p>Cali

Hello and thank-you for your continued encouragement and support. Today is tough. Changing the locks to the front door was a HUGE step for me. <p>Unfortunately, H looks at it as punishment. Do I need to correct his interpretation? I think about it objectively and perhaps it is in a small way. I don't know. The only thing that keeps me feeling justified is that I do NOT have access to his apartment and he refuses to let me even close to it. <p>And unfortunately, yes, this is his choice. <p>Just wanted to share that I spoke to a psychic. Okay, I don't believe in them normally. Quite honestly, have never been to one BUT after providing her with my birthdate only, she said that she sees me going through EXTREME pain right now. My H is treating me with excessive cruelty fueled by his inner anger and resentment. She went on to say that he is being shadowed by a "transient" queen and that he will soon find that there is no one like me BUT, I must let go. She sees that I have pushing and pushing him further away by my needy attitude. She told me that I am in a position to gain control. He is telling me now that he does not love me BUT, underneath the coat of anger and resentment lies a deep love for me. She warned me that he is dealing with a morality issue within himself. And that I must DETACH in order for him to resolve this. However, she said that this is going to be the most painful time of my life and that his heart will not reopen to me anytime soon but she sees it happening in the next 6 months but again she warned of the painful process I will have to endure. She also said that when he comes back (?) to make sure that counselling is a requirement. She said to not let him come back without counselling. Too close for comfort. And I didn't even mention the word infidelity!

wow, that psychic really had it figured out... did your H say he thinks you are punishing him...? I would not even give him an answer or explain, just talk about d and money... no other talk needed... stay strong.<p>I TOO HAVE BEEN WAY TOO NEEDY< IT MAKES THINGS WORSE... make a plan for what you will do when You feel the need to show your need for him... where is that strong t I saw .... well, you are strong with the locks... pat your sefl on te back... do something to reward yuou for that step... go shopping or buy yourself something, reward YOU. <p>Do not worry , your strengh will solve it all- you would not of accepted this crap when you were dating, first met him... so don't just because yuou are marrie.d... you love him too deeply, like me, and the neediness only drives him away- as there is nothring in him to give to you right now... he hurts you more when you need him, right? My H does ! Learn from this... be strong... today I have not called h, quite an accomplishment! You go girl!<p>L

Thanks Honey. I continue to pray for strength for all of us. I'm just so tired but shopping sounds good!<p>Take care.

T, I love to shop! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.. post if you feel weak... I will be cking in on you and posting myself... if I feel strange... or needy... sometimes it is so sad to feel so out of control with this roller coaster of emotions... my h has even sd... I am scared of this roller coaster you are on... and do not want to be around you until I know it is safe... he is too scared about the emotions in me over what he has done????, but just getting some feedback helps.. thanks for being here... your strength gives me strength thousands of miles away... hugs and have a super night... I am taking my kids to the movies and going to dinner with my parents! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I have made plans to take my kids camping one night next weekend... all by myself... I am a little nervous about going alone, but I do have a big 4th grader to help me... and it is only an hour and a half from home.. this is something I wanted h to do with me.. but since he is not... I am doing the things I want to do family wise... and also he has seen kids a lot less lately... since I have not made plans for their visits... thanks again for your posts and letting us know how you are... I really feel so similar in that I am way too needy and my h is totally mean... but he actually called me today... I did not call him... and I had a harassment call today from the ow from h+++, I am really upset about that... but I must move on... I am trying to get her voice out of my head and move on... I am calling the police to make a report... already did... and have not heard back from officer yet... sad... and disgusted over this... take care of you... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hugs, H [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am so proud of you T!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] You played it cool when you needed to. We're here to help you keep that up! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm with the others on explaining why you changed the locks to your H: don't tell him unless he asks. And keep it short and sweet.<p>Part of the learning process we go through on here as part of our plan Aing ourselves, is to learn that we need to allow our WS's to wonder about us. Us BS's tend to share far TOO MUCH information with our mates. We don't allow them the chance to miss us, because we're always telling them what's been happening!<p>I'm thinking that this is your next logical move in your plan A. It's already been suggested to you many times - distance yourself from your H. It's hard to do, but we'll help you out as much as we can. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You've made a TERRIFIC move in changing your locks. I hope you are starting to feel some of the safety that should bring to you.<p>Talk to you soon! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi T,<p>His anger towards U is to be expected. How you handle it is now within your control. Remember U can not control him. As for him watching your daughter, remember his statement:<p>the next time you go out and he is NOT doing anything, it BETTER be him that watches her'. <p>First if and when he asks, you can say that you were afraid and needed to protect yourself. Don't give details. Just make the statement. If he asks afraid of who? Say U. That is what I did. <p>Now as to his above statement well, you can agree to that. Why? because you will never know when he is not doing anything. Now here's some babble. It would be better if he did watch her but right now with your being in fear, you have to think about the safety of your daughter. If he should say that you have nothing to fear from him, you could respond that even though he may feel that way you are not convinced. Unless he can help remove your fear, this is what you feel you need to do. <p>Now the above stuff is what I did. What is this? This is putting the onis of his actions back on him. He needs to realize that this great life of his is scaring you. <p>I am not telling you what to do. These are suggestions. Weigh it carefully against your situation and abilities. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks all, for your support and advice. I'm really trying not to REACT in front of him. I've seen him minimally this weekend so it is a little difficult. Friday night, he left at 8:00. I agreed to be home by that time (he can still get in via the garage door because I haven't figured out how to change the code yet!). <p>I don't know if he was going home or if he was out. I didn't ask nor did I ask the next day. Saturday morning, he asked if he could take D out for an hour before her 11:30 music lesson. He came, dropped her off and left. Don't know where he was the rest of the day or night. I took D bowling with friends then had dinner with them. Arrived home at 9:15p.m. Had D call him but he wasn't home. <p>This morning, I agreed that he take her to church and then MIL's for a few hours. I didn't ask him where he was. <p>Is this the way it becomes? I don't ask, don't know, don't react. And I really, honestly said nothing. Feels cold and unemotional. Feels like I'm distant and don't have a clue about his life anymore. I guess this is what letting go is all about? Feels like we don't care about one another anymore. <p>Can someone help me to validate? Thanks.

If his schedule is wearing you out, then tell him. You both need to have a schedule. Otherwise he could and appears to use this as a tool to manipulate you. See it doesn't matter to some WS' what they do to make the BS angry. It just seems to 'satisfy' their inner beast just to make the BS angry. <p>On the other hand, the BS is attempting to 'rationalize' this behavior and it is not a rational thing so the BS often ends up on the wrong end of the confrontation and the WS once again satisfies his 'inner beast'. Usually giving the smile of approval to the OP. <p>You want that? Think not. So if his visitations are not working out for you, find a fair visitation agreement. Every other weekend. Let him miss his child. He needs to. Otherwise you are enabling his 'inner beast'. <p>Then spend more time on you and less time wondering where he is and what he is doing. Unless you have a reason for worrying. <p>L.

I probably do have a reason for worrying about his whereabouts but I have no control over him or where he goes, right?<p>But is this cold distance between us "normal" or "right"?<p>Quite honestly, yes, this schedule does wear me out because it's always a surprise according to H. <p>Thanks O.

Since he does not choose to answer to you (out of respect), then no you should put that worry aside for the moment. Tell yourself that you can only worry about what is within your home (yourself and your child). Now that does include your child when she is in his care. <p>So, the times you BOTH agree for her to spend with him should be prearranged (if he will not work this out with you in an agreeable manner then get a 3rd party). This will wear out quick because others will be not as accomodating as you have been and will tell him so. Good. <p>When he gives you flack, just say that your time and schedule is just as important as his so he will have to work together if your daughter's happinesss is important. Remember to refocus his anger. That is what I did with my H. He tried to use the child as a shield. I removed the child from there immediately and said, you are too big to be hiding behind a little boy. Now stand up and act like a man, not a wimp! <p>Well those are rough words but they were rough times and I make no apologies for them. Not then or now. In my case it was warranted. <p>Just try to refocus his anger and get an agreeable schedule for your little one. She probably is a little wobbly from all this tug a war. <p>L.

Hi O, H returned D at 6:00 EST so I was pretty busy. H returned D with a little anger but I felt he looked at me with just a touch of longing...I opened the door with a smile and asked D if she had fun. He mumbled something. Then he lingered and said, "BTW, I paid the new vacuum cleaner bill out of our joint account." I politely responded, "Oh, I'll definitely pay you for that." He looked at me (and that's when I felt the "longing feeling"...I had to look away. He mumbled, "Yeah, right." But I'm definitely going to transfer the funds first thing tomorrow morning. It's not about money since he still seems to think that the only reason I opened up my account was because I so concerned about money. FOGHORN...apartment, phone bills to the OW, etc. etc...that is why. <p>It sounds as if I will need to be firmer about schedules. We'll see what this week brings. <p>Thanks for being around, O. Hope all is well with you.

Terrified,<p>I don't know you. I don't even know your story, but I have a feeling you have come a long, long way.<p>In some ways you sound like me when my eyes opened and I discovered that I do not have to be pulled into my stbx's anger and arguments.<p>You sound like you are gaining an independence you've never had. You have so much to look forward too with your new found independence.<p>ANNA