An old HS/college friend/sweetheart contacted me 2 years ago, and we are in touch from time to time. He calls me every once in a while but we email more frequently. We go in spurts. I've been married 21 years and have 2 teenage sons; he's never been married...but has had several long-term relationships. We really, really like each other a lot and we have a long history.<p>I'm not interested in having an affair with him, but I adore him and enjoy being in touch (we live far from each other, but keep hoping we can see each other when we're home visiting family...or perhaps some other time.) <p>My question is this...can we continue our friendship? We haven't seen each other since I got married...he came to my wedding. And how do I make sure that I don't give him mixed messages? I've seen posts here from men that indicate that they often are really, truly interested in a friendship...not a romance. How do I know if this is really true? What are the signs that tell me the difference between an interest in friendship and interest in romance? <p>We all know that life is short and friends are really important and hard to come by. Can a man and a woman be friends? How to make sure that everyone is on the same page?

Stay away....read my story on my signature at the bottom. You're treading in hot water.

I think as long as your H knows and doesn't mind you keeping in touch, then it is fine. Also, never say anything or allow him to say anything that you wouldn't say in front of your H. That is how you know if the line has been crossed. And of course, if your H wants you to end the friendship - end it.

Thanks for your thoughts. <p>My H knows that we're in touch. My H and I might be in NY where my friend lives. I've told my H that I'd like us to see my friend when we're there. He hasn't said yes yet, but I think I can get him to agree. I guess involving my H if and when we have a chance to see each other will be very impt. in continuting to give the right "signals" to my friend.

AShirley, alarm bells are going off in my mind!!! Please carefully read what Harley has to say about Policy of Joint Agreement. If you have "to get your H to agree" you are already much too involved with this man. POJA says that BOTH partners have to ENTHUSIASTICALLY agree on something, or else they do NOTHING.<p>Your phrasing leads me to believe that your H is less than enthusiastic about your strong desire to make an opportunity to see this man.For you to "get him to agree" would be a selfish demand and a love buster.<p>If friendship is all you want, then never accept a call from this guy at work or on your cell phone - friends can openly call each other at home, when the spouse is present. Never email him from an email address your H doesn't have full access to. Better yet, call your H over to the computer when you get an email from your friend and read it jointly, or read it aloud to him without any editing. Never ever confide in your friend about your H or your marriage - that's what girlfriends and counsellors are for. Never ever confide in him anything about yourself that your H is not fully aware of and fully agreed to your sharing with another man. Go out of your way to put this whole thing into the full spotlight. Don't allow things to get to the point where you're eagerly looking forward to his calls and emails, because by then you're already into an EA.<p>Speaking as a BS whose FWH's XOW was "an old flame", I'd advise you to end this relationship right now. There's a quote I really like, from "Life 101" - "If you have to rationalise, you're telling yourself rational lies." Frankly, my radar is picking up a lot of rationalisation in your post.<p>"You really, really like each other a lot and have a long history."
"Life is short and friends are hard to come by."
"You adore him and enjoy being in touch."
"You're not interested in having an affair with him." (means it has crossed your mind, however fleetingly..."<p>The first three of these should be applied to your H. Do you feel this way about your H? If not, why not? Use this as an early warning, and find out which of your ENs are in deficit, also which of your H's are not being met, and put your energy into your marriage.<p>AShirley, my FWH's "friendship" with his "old flame" ended up badly hurting SIX people directly and did so much damage to our marriage that our marital counsellor told us that in his experience this was irreparable, and advised me to get a divorce, in my H's presence. We're still together, we're in recovery, but it's like rebuilding the Trade Towers. We may have a lovely new building some day, but at what a cost!!!

6 years ago, I would have said "No problem!" I had a few close male friends. But now that my H's 'friendship' with my former best friend turned into an EA/PA, I have changed my tune. Now I'm very careful around our male friends and don't contact them much at all. My H was also only looking for a friend, who was a good listener, etc. and it ended with her being in MY bed. Our lives will never be the same. I guess technically men and women can be friends, but I'd only do it if your H were always present. No sense taking chances. Good luck, thanks for your honesty

Hi again,
I've just checked up on your earliest posts, having this very deep disquiet in my insides. AS, I think it would be a good plan to get into marriage counselling with your H, as you have recently come out of a two year EA and it looks as if you're actively seeking a replacement for your XOM. If you were prepared to leave your H and kids for XOM, there are very serious problems in your marriage. You have needs that are not being met within the marriage, and you're not telling your H what it is that's lacking. I see you never told your H about your EA; well, this is exactly why Harley is so adamant about radical honesty. By living a secret life, you're not protecting your self, him, your marriage or your children.<p>Your H probably "knows" on a gut level about your EA, and is showing very understandable reluctance now about this HS/college sweetheart of yours.<p>Do you know yourself what it is that you need? Doing the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires, preferably with your H, is a good start. It was quite a shock to my H to recognise his REAL needs, as well as mine!!

Juststartingover,<p>I really appreciate your taking the time to look at my previous posts.<p>One thing I want to clarify. My H knew all about my EA. He even knew, even before I really knew. Shortly after I met the OM, I introduced the OM to my H at a function because I thought that they would like each other. Well, I fell hard for this OM, lost 15 pounds overnight, and my H suspected I was having and PA. I assured him that I wasn't, (because I wasn't) but told my H that I did have "crush" on the OM. <p>My H told me that I had fallen in love with the OM (I hadn't even admitted that to myself) and told me that I had to tell the OM that I had fallen in love with him, therefore, I could no longer see him. We had gotten in the habit of eating lunch together each day. Anyway, my H has lived with the knowledge that I was having an EA with this OM, for 2 years. <p>What I hadn't told my H was that I was in touch with the OM from May to January. My H thought that my contact had ended in May. (But he knows me so well, that he knew I was having some contact.) Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I came clean with my H, and he knows all…(And he still adores me.)

JSO, Part 2.<p>My HS friend contacted me 2 years ago, almost to the day that I realized that I was in an EA with my colleague. I don't want to make the same mistakes with him that I made with my colleague. I don't want to have another EA, nor do I want to lose another friend.<p>I was brought up thinking that a man and a woman, who were attracted to each other couldn't be friends. That the man's bottom line was that he wanted to have sex. From what I've read on these forums, that's not 100% true. Sometimes a man really does just want a friendship. I sincerely believe that the man I had an EA with (who I fell totally in love with, having never touched) only wanted a friendship. But I didn't believe him and I ruined the chances of having him as friend, because I thought that in order to keep him in my life, I was going to have to have an affair with him at some point. So I did everything I could to get to a point where I could actually leave my H in order to see if we had a chance. I thought that if the OM thought that I was happily married, he might not want to be friends with me. <p>I will admit, there were things missing in my M. I have really focussed on what was missing and my H has stepped up to the plate and he's on a huge campaign to show me how much he loves me, etc. He is a truly amazing person and I wish all of you BS's could act like he's acted over the past 2 years….maybe I'll post some specifics…it really might help some of you. <p>Anyway, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I've known my friend since I was 15 years old. (I'm 46!) I believe that he only wants a friendship. But I'm a bit skittish, because of my past.<p>I don't want to ruin another friendship. I want to believe that a man and a woman can be friends…but there are certain "rules" that we both must follow. In your previous response you gave me some great rules to follow. Thank you for your time and thoughts.

AS, I'm glad that you 'fessed up about the ongoing contact. Secrecy is always bad. My FWH "needed" privacy and personal space until his A was blown into the open. Now that we're in recovery, he falls over himself to keep his whole life open to me at all times; he understands that it is his responsibility to protect our marriage, and openness and honesty is the foundation for that.
Your H may still "adore you", but do you "adore him?" And will he continue to "adore you" if you continue to engage in EAs with other men? He may not himself be aware of the damage that's already been done to him personally by living with this painful knowledge for 2 years, and now watching you prepare to fall in love with your HS/college sweetheart.<p>I'm seeing a repeating pattern here in your talking about your XOM and your present relationship with your "old flame." <p>What is it that you're not getting from your marriage, that renders you so vulnerable to romance with other men? This is what needs to be addressed, before anything gets out of control. What is it that you're not putting into your marriage that gives you a sense of emptiness? Harley said the WS is usually the one who's putting least into the marriage, because the BS also has just as many unmet needs....

ashirley, Your old sweetheart obviously has a large love bank balance with you already. If you continue to see him, the balance will only grow larger, that's the just the nature of these things. At some point his balance may even grow larger than your H's. Then it could pass the "in-love" threshold. If he is an old flame, he he may have already been there once. Do you really want to risk that? Good Luck, b

ashirley<p>I have to agree with JSO, alarm bells are going off all over the place for me. This is exactly the situation that I got myself into. <p>After 13 years, my HS sweetheart contacted me through email. I told my H about it. I just wanted to renew a friendship. And I ended up in an PA. <p>I am happy to say that I am now working on recovering my marriage. But if I had it to do all over again I would have never responded to the email in the first place. I got in over my head and fast. And anything I thought I was getting out of the A was not worth the mess I have caused in my M. <p>I would also agree with JSO, about the POJA. Sounds like your H may be saying ok but it not very happy about it. And I would also say that if you do go ahead and see this friend, your H should be with you at all times. There should absolutely no contact with this friend that your H does not see, hear, or know about. I think you are standing on some pretty thin ice.<p>Regretting

ashirley,
It's a slippery slope, I know, I've been there. It does not hard for old feelings to resurface. I had an affair with my old HS boyfriend. He contacted me for closure (so he said) and then before we new it we were involved in an intense EA. So I went to see him and it turned physical then. <p>I don't know if you can ever "just be friends" with an old lover. I think that many people hold a special place in their hear for lost loves. And I believe that is just where they should stay for most of us. Maybe you are different, but I think it's awfully hard to remain platonic. <p>For me it was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. And I will never forget the pain that I have caused. Please, please, be careful. <p>1step

ashirley,<p>BWAAAAAAAAAAEWWWWWWWWWWWW......BIG FOG HORN!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Regretting:<p>
I am happy to say that I am now working on recovering my marriage. But if I had it to do all over again I would have never responded to the email in the first place. I got in over my head and fast. And anything I thought I was getting out of the A was not worth the mess I have caused in my M. <hr></blockquote><p>Regretting,
I couldn't agree more. How are you doing in your recovery? H and I are doing extremely well. However I do have issues with my A being with my old BF that I can't quite get over. But then again it's only been 6 months for me. Maybe I am just expecting too much too soon. Would it be possible to discuss this further off the boards? My email address is below. Let me know...
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