SNL, I'm rather bothered by something that came up on several of your replies to various threads,the latest being MJay's.<p>You and Thinker have been having a very hard time, and I'm wondering if one of the reasons is your own conscience? I may be wrong, but I seem to remember Thinker saying your XOW's BH doesn't know about the A? That XOW called your home to blackmail Thinker by saying she'd commit suicide if her H was told she'd had a second A?<p>Why shouldn't he know? Witholding this vital information from him is forcing him into the same vile position that you are so rightly trying to prevent other BSs from being forced into, where his life is based on lies. He has a right to know the truth, and make decisions based on full, real information. I very much doubt whether XOW would commit suicide, my FWH's was good at that line too, but guess what, she's still getting older day by day just like the rest of us! And if she did take that way out, that would not be your fault...<p>I read most of your posts with a lot of interest, and think you have some very good points. However, this particular thing is sticking in my craw...

Yeah would stick in my craw too, so I understand. Ow status is unknown, we parted end of last july (phone contact only previous 4 months), and she lives 2000 miles away. The last month or so we talked alot about how we found ourselves in this dilemna, and what to do about it. In the meantime I had started researching and contemplating what the heck is life about anyways, and what are the underlying psychological characteristics of human bonding (of which obviously affairs are just one of many manifestations). I had previously vowed to keep our feelings secret regardless of outcomes, seemed like a reasonable position, was my stuff, no one elses business, and revealing her interactions, thoughts, etc with me felt like betrayal....and despite my status, I take such things seriously. Unfortunately (or fortuneately) I came across MB in my travels, and read the stuff about radical honesty...allthough I am stubborn and hard-headed (a common trait here on MB I have noticed [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), I am not stupid. I can recognize the truth when I see it. It was clear I could not keep the secret for her, or from my w, who only had a fuzzy picture of the affair. That I would have to reveal all the details, and she would too. <p>This caused a problem (to put it mildly), and we argued for months about the philosophy of these things. She agreed in principle, but could not bear the thought of the pain it would cause her H. Knowing I was going to violate my promise to her was hurtful as well, but she didn't try to hold me to it, she told me to do what I thought best, and she would cope as best she could if my spouse contacted hers. She pretty much felt backed in a corner, and became suicidal, the only honorable way out of this mess. I tried to convince her of the merits of telling herself, her life is complex, and so is her psychology, and there is no need to go into it further here. I knew I was leaning on her, and leaning on her hard, no matter what I do in life, I am always cognizant of what is happening in people, and trying to either fix them (not good) or encourage them in the right directions. I knew keep this secret would ensure she would never reach a proper resolution with her H (whether reconcille, or divorce), I did not want that to be my legacy either..... nor would I be a party to the deception (and the resultant injuries of unrevealed secrets), even if I had to tell myself..... and lastly I had to look very hard at myself, and my motivations for the positions I was taking...all in all, and emotionally exhausting, and psychologically draining time. <p>I gave her no ultimatums, she asked for time to tell herself in her own way. This is when she called thinker, essentially to beg, manipulate, persuade her not to contact her H, this included implying she would kill herself first. Thinker required she cease talking to me, and I never talked to her again, or thinker (although this took place over 3 phone calls and a few weeks). So we don't know what her circumstances are, if I had to guess I would say the A was revealed...things were pretty rocky there allready, and her H was questioning her behaviour. Far as I know we have no more info, her H may have called thinker and she has not told me, but I don't think so. After this I told thinker the rest of the story (the pa part), and she alternated between wanting to confront her, or not, wanting me to tell H or not (I resisted cause of the 3 people, me, ow, and my w..I was the most inappropriate person to tell as far as the well-being of her bs is concerned)...and I was greatly disturbed by thinkers extreme anger, and fixation on the ow, so was content to let life unfold in it's own way for a time. Thinker wanted to reveal stuff to her H in an aggressive and hurtful manner, saying why shouldn't he suffer (this was mixed up in her mind with hurting the ow), I told her he does not deserve a graphic in your face revelation (thinker has written stuff that is pretty inflammatory for example, and just wanted to send it without preamble). I gave her access to the written material (after suggesting it might be a very bad idea to read all this stuff), for her to heal as she sees fit, but to send it to someone unsuspectingly would be cruel. So anyways, the upshot of all this turmoil was the ow had her time, in due course we will close that door, either through revealing, or verifying revelation has occurred, and to verify std testing. Hope that clarifies for you. I personally will not ever remain privy to an affair without revealing it, I don't much care whether I have any status or not (would do so even if the people were total strangers to me)...it is a public health issue, and societal issue, affairs are everybodies business, it is just so ridiculous that oft times the BS is the only one who doesn't know.<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Thanks, SNL!! I really appreciate you giving me such a full response.<p>I also had a lot of rage against my FWH's XOW. My IC told me this is normal, natural and healthy. It's a way of redirecting the rage one feels against one's spouse until the edge is off it. FWH said it was very painful to hear me, mostly because he "knew inside" that what I was saying about her was actually about him.<p>During this phase, it exacerbates the problem if the FWS, or currently WS, is perceived by the BS as "protecting" the OP, whether directly by words "She's not a sl*t, she's a good, loving person" or "you'd never be able to understand" or by withdrawal on the part of the WS. <p>You know, had my FWH just said, "I understand why you feel that way about her" it would have made a lot of difference to me, had he acknowledged that her impact on my life was destructive and agonising, instead of trying to defend her, excuse her, find reasons for her predatory behaviour. Now that we really are in recovery, he's finally acknowledging my feelings, validating them and probably is only now able to see just how active his XOW was in the whole mess. Before, he saw her as a helpless victim. <p>I don't agree with the idea of an in-your-face slap with the information. But I do believe that your XOW's BH has a right to know exactly what happened. Not that this is any excuse for you to contact her and ask!!! I know that for me, the resentment was bitterest over the fact that my FWH deprived me of my humanity, my dignity, my self-respect and my right to make my own choices in life. The lies, the deceit.