funkedup and inafunk.... haven't seen either of you in a couple of days. I think you are seeing a counselor today? <p>We'd like to see how you are doing. We're always excited to see a Mr. and Mrs. both posting - seeking support and learning.<p>Give us an update when you can! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for your concern, faith! Yes, we are seeing a counselor today at 5:00. We'll see what happens. We're both apprehensive about what to expect on our first visit.<p>I have been actively reading the posts here, just not posting. I feel I am in no position to be giving advice, so I don't reply to anyone's cries for help. <p>As for me, I am still not showing much remorse and/or affection. The affection/physical part seems too soon for me, but not H. He sometimes is overbearing. I'm going crazy with the idea that he's trying to keep me from my friends. I have the notion that he now has what he's always wanted: total control of me. Now that he has a reason to keep me on lock-down, he's taking total advantage of it. <p>However, he's been trying hard, but then his follow-up actions ruin his efforts. For example, the other night when I was done working out, I came out to find a string with notes leading to the bathroom and he drew me a bath with candle. Told me he's sorry for not doing things like that more often and to enjoy myself. I was not in the tub but a minute, when he came in asking about OM! Things like that are what drive me away.<p>The house is neglected, so we'll spend time on that this weekend. We'll keep you posted about counseling.<p>IAF

Good to hear from you... glad you're still around!<p>Good luck at your counseling. Please have an open mind, and see what YOU can learn about yourself. You can't change Mr. Funk, and he can't change you. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] We'll tell you just like we tell him: you both need to be in Plan A - concentrating on making changes in yourself, and learning to meet each other's needs better.<p>PLease be patient with him. THe pain of betrayal is unbelievable. I admire him for trying to do things like the candle-lit bath [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>You've probably read on here that we've been trying to help him with being patient, and working on any "control" issues. If it's anything a BS feels, is that we feel completely helpless, and all we know is our world fell apart, we love our WS's and want to do anything we can to save the relationship and prove our love to the WS.<p>Hang in there! Glad to have you both on board here at MB!

Good job, ladies - to you IAF for being open and honest and to you, Faith for giving her a good reply, IMHO.<p>IAF - as a betrayed husband, let me ditto Faith's reply and relate to your H. Try to consider both your perspectives simultaneously. You both are probably right and you both are probably wrong - to some extent with the "control" and "overbearing" stuff. Somewhere between you is a point where these feelings will find an equilibrium. Please don't expect it immediately, but DO expect it with time, patience, and consistency.<p>WAT

IAF: I too am glad to see you guys are still around. Just a couple of comments from me for now. . . 1) cherish the moments that point in the positive (candle lit bath), and remember this is hard on both of you, so things may not always be done perfectly right by either of you, but that is what you are working on - so keep working together though; 2) as for the control thing, I too am a WS, but I allowed my husband to have that control over me at first. He needed it to begin to feel safe. Over time that will subside. Really, they don't WANT to keep us locked in a cage. I think that us being willing to give up things like that at first says a lot, and it helps a lot in helping them to feel safe with us again. It isn't all about control. Just my observations. And, again, it will ease with time.<p>Both of you stay patient and keep working TOGETHER. You are heading in the right direction. It's a long hard road, but the end result is well worth it. I wish you both the best of luck. Have a good weekend, and take care. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

IAF
I am the WS and I have felt that my H didn't want me to have friends. As it turns out my friends weren't really ever friends and my H is. My so called best-friend supported me and my A. She said nothinng was wrong. Silly me agreed with her.<p>My H did similar things like one minute he was sweet the next questioning OM. It probably because he was triggered by the romance. Bear with him. He feels just as insane as you do. I can say this because I am still struggling with his questions. I get real defensive but am working on it.<p>Forget the house. You have more important issues right now. We even let the bills get behind so we could go out together alone.<p>Hang in there. It takes time a whole lot of precious time. Know that eveyone on MB is a great friend to talk to at any time. Sherry