When does one finally get through the road to seeing the light? I am so in need of love, affection, caring, and feeling human again. SNL doesn't do anything to help with these feelings. Seriously, I am searching for someone to love me, to hold me, to tell me I am a special person. I even got a book on internet connections. It sounds really crazy, but you know what, I am at the point in my life that I don't care anymore. SNL doesn't want me, he doesn't want a marriage with me, he doesn't want to keep this family together. I am falling into a depression that seems so out of control. Does anyone here feel this way? The road seems to be so full of boulders and quicksand. Where is the will to continue on and be here for our children. I have been crying most of the day, and this is getting out of hand. Talked to my OBgyn about this depression yesterday and she got me some more medications to take. I picked them up today. Won't see the psychologist till 2 more weeks. He went on vacation, glad someone can have some fun. <p>You guys say to get with it. I tried, feel good for a day or two, and bam go back to crying and crying. The feeling is so low and so devastating, I hate for our kids to see me this way. Seems it would be better if I were dead. No suicide attempt, just feeling low. <p>You know, if someone comes along right now, I will probably fall for this person. The attention would be wonderful, and I would probably give all that is left in me. I have cried at my dads grave, asked him to have God help me. Like I was talking to someone last night, and I said seems God is not listening, or I don't see the signs. She said the same thing, that her marriage right around our age, was pretty bad. She and her H are in their early 60's now and happily married. There is this midlife crisis, and they recognized the mistakes they made, and made ammends. They both wanted to keep the history together, the needs were the same as before, but in a different arrangement. It was nice to hear her voice of happiness, and to hear her husbands voice. I cried with them last night, and she prayed for us.<p>Thanks for listening.

{{{{{{thinker}}}}}}},<p>When I read your post, I thought of the "Footprints" story... God is carrying you right now... just know it, trust it and feel the strength of it.<p>When you give it all to Him... You will feel peace... It was only when I broke, and told Him that I gave up... that I couldn't control this... that I couldn't make it go my way... did I feel some measure of peace and start to really find myself and my strength.<p>I said a prayer for you Thinker,
Cali

Hi Thinker,
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Just know that once YOU make the decision to live YOUR life for you and your children, you will feel so much better about yourself. At least that is what I found out myself. I was so depressed and confused for so long and I finally made the decision to file for divorce (I am not saying that is what you should do, it is just what I needed to do for my own sanity). Once I did that, the pieces of my life started to get put back together and I am starting to feel whole again. I hope this helps Thinker. My heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
BH<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

Thinker,
I am so sorry for your heartbreak and devastation. Many of us have been there so I know what you are going through. I can only tell you that it does get better and it won't always be like this. While it hurts like hell now, it won't last forever. <p>Until then, get alot of Visine and a kick [censored] exercise tape to work off the steam. That helped me alot! When I worked out I was able to get out of my head for an hour every night and have a moment of peace.<p>God Bless you, Thinker. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Thinker,<p>Hugz dear. I am sorry for your pain. Yes, your feelings are quite common. Last year I started a thread about wanting to be swept off my feet. Not by a broom!!!! <p>You are now at a point where you are able to focus on yourself and you are finding that your needs have not been met and you are angry, hurt and depressed. Your swings from good to bad days will continue for a while. The meds may help balance it out a bit but it will still take a while. It appears you are pushing yourself to acceptance but your mind and heart is not ready yet. <p>Discuss with your MC about how to handle your anger and frustration. See what suggestions they can give. Maybe we can share some of our suggestions also. <p>Remember this is not a SNL bashing site but neither is it an A approval site. So the line we all walk here is narrow. <p>I have to work tomorrow but maybe we can talk for a while later. K? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

]Dear Thinker,<p>I understand how you feel. What you wrote sounds so much like a "stage" I reached. You are grieving for your M. This is part of the process of grieving.<p>Orchid used to post on a regular basis The 5 Stages of Grieving. O, can you find that link and post it here? I think it is wonderful, and was very helpful to me when I "hit" each stage.<p>I felt like this was "Despair" stage of grieving. I remember that week-end. I couldn't stop crying for ANYTHING. But it DID pass, eventually, and I got stronger, and went on, and you can too. I hope someone can find that link, and bring it here.<p>Hang on, not only will you make it through this, but we are praying to help you, and God wants to help you make it through this, too, Thinker.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{Thinker}}}}}}}}}}}} I know it's not the same as a human hug, but feel the love that is being sent with it, please.<p>God Bless You, Thinker.

thinker,<p>I hurt for you. Your pain, anguish and lonliness come through loud and clear in your posts. You are in my thoughts and prayers, because once upon a time, I was you and I felt everything that you are feeling.<p>Here is something I want you to think about. I tell you this with love, because it was once me, too. I see you right now as 100% obsessed about getting your marriage back. The source of your increasing depression seems to be because you only see one solution to your situation - you and sad 'n lonely getting back together in this super loving situation where he is immediately remorseful for the hurt he has caused and he immediately sees the OW as the home-wrecker she is - and this just isn't happening right now.<p>You know, the source of the unhappiness of many of the people here, not just you and once upon a time me, too, is that we can only see one solution that will make everything allright, and that solution seems so illusive and hard to get. We fixate ourselves on that one solution and drown in sorrow and depression when we can't get our WS to want to return emotionally andphysically to the marriage in the way we want them to.<p>We get depressed. We get lonely. We desire intimate love, validation, companionship, sexual fulfillment, all those benefits of being partnered.<p>In my opinion, you will continue to be depressed and unhappy as long as you fixate on this one solution that you may or may not ever get. You have got to find ways, thinker, to find other happiness and fulfillment in your life. It doesn't start with sad 'n lonely doing the right things by you, although that would help you emotionally. It starts with you and your expectations. Expect thinker to be the biggest source of happiness in thinker's life. Give up focusing on your marriage, because your own emotional health has suffered greatly and it is in the greatest need of your time, efforts and attention right now.<p>You have to decide TODAY that thinker wants to be happy and CAN be happy, woth or without sad 'n loney, even if you still want your marriage. You may or may not get that, thinker, but your life is NOT OVER, if it doesn't happen. You CAN be happy and fulfilled, either way. <p>You have been and are still hurting so very much. Tell yourself every hour today that you are worthy and lovable and that you WILL be happy this hour. Do not allow yourself to think about him or the marriage. You must focus on your own life and your own happiness or you will continue to spiral downward. <p>You have to be strong emotionally and confident in yourself before you are ready to be a partner to anyone - your H or anyone else. Take the abundant love that you so easily give to all around you and begin to give some of that each day to thinker. Right now, she needs it more than anyone else in her surroundings.<p>God bless you and your most loving heart.<p>Desiree

daer Thinker,
cause we were occasionally in contact, (Iliked to hear your opinion), I assume you know my story, main things.
So, I was like you for 2+ yrs, believing there is no possible happiness for me. Hoping my ex will come back one day even after his new marriage and his son was borne (2months ago).
I still think one day he will become aware what he did to HIM, girls,me even to his son and new wife and then he'll realize that his happiness is with us (dr W Harley is the only person who believes that also)
BUT recently I met a man (you can read about that on my thread In Recovery Q for Leilana), spent with him a beautiful month, then he went on the ship and will return in about 6 months. I can't say that is love or relationship , it is for sure a nice friendship. And this man made me believe that I am worth living, told me so warm, nice words, was with me hold my hand,hug me , nothing serious but he TALKED with ME, he LISTENED ME, and I realize that for many yrs I was not treated like a woman, , wife, my ex didn't in fact listen to me , we were not in love, we lived together, he earned money, i cooked , cleaned, took care of kids, my work didn't count and I was made to believe that the reason for the A was ME.
Now I realize that's not right-we were both at least equally "guilty" for the A but HE was the one who made a move.
And I am a woman , not too young but the one who CAN attract a man, who CAN talk to a man, whi is wort of loving and caring and even if with this man nothing happens when he comes back he gave me the most important thing: my selfrespect what disappeared long time ago.
Now I finally realize I'll be good, with or without a man next to me and I can be happy alone or with some other man , other than my ex.
You know, when I became aware of that I suddenly made a nice relationship with my OD, still have to work on the relationship with my YD, but I also after 6 months of silence, I can talk to my ex even about his baby. And we talk more than ever in last 2 yrs.
I now realize the days can be nice, the sun is shining and I am really happy.
So believe me you CAN also.
Unfortunately, SNL is not a man worth so much tears (my ex was not also). Let him go. He will be the one who'll be sorry.
You , like me, when decide, can go out, make friendships, enjoy the life-he's the one who has to work on his relationship to "blossom".
My ex has now sleepless nights cause of baby, can't go out cause of baby, and I am free with grown kids; have less money but now have peace.<p>Love to you<p>You'll find peace believe me<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</p>

thinker - I wish we could take the pain away. Please know that I am thinking about you and I am confident that your future will be happy.<p>A huge ditto to Desiree. Very wise words.<p>WAT

This spiral seems to come and go. I am looking at myself as a loving person. I am looking at myself without SNL. In fact I am trying to look at SNL as a neighbor. There are so many triggers, and that is setting me off. Can't explain here, SNL reads my posts. <p>Counseling won't be till 2 weeks, and I may tell this counselor at all costs, I need help. He is so expensive, and I being the frugal one in this family, money means saving as much for retirement. The dreams I have are just unbearable, waking up trembling and shaking. This is so disturbing and needless to say very little sleep happens during the night. <p>Nervousness has set in my system, my feet move, legs move while I am sitting. Daughter told me last night at the movies, to stop shaking your foot. I did, but noticed later was still shaking. Could it be a nervous breakdown coming on? Working so hard to clean the house, and trying to get things organized. Seems to keep me sane for now. But there is a real deep sense that maybe I am going into a nervous breakdown. Talked to Dr. Thursday, and she wished that I could see the psychologist soon. She would call him to get me in right away. But he is on vacation. Told her I am leaving Monday for a trip with older daughter to horse show. Gave me permission to call her anytime at work, she will talk to me. Of course, if she is delivering a baby, God bless her, she is so compassionate! <p>So many emotions striking everywhere, so many tears, so many dreams, so many moods, so many thoughts, seems like a nightmare, wished it would all go away. Yes I am trying to focus on myself, and ignore SNL posts if possible. The thing that upsets me is the statements that are so untrue. He did apologize for one statement that he made wrong and criticized me. This is not the person I married, I trusted the man I married, I looked up to the person I married. I knew the person I married was truthful and honorable. This SNL is someone that I don't know, the family doens't know, the kids don't know, his mother doesn't even know who he is. I feel SNL needs to see a professional psychologist too!<p>Anyways, talking about SNL, NO NO NO NO I know I shouldn't do that. <p>Talked to my mother last night, she worries about me so much. She told me my brother wants to talk to me too. Asked my mother if she would tell brother I will talk to him after horse trip. My brother keeps an eye on our mother, sees her almost daily, he stops in test driving a car, and just sees if she is okay. Good to know that the care and love is there. My brother did a big turn around this last year. He told me some of the feelings he was having. There is a midlife crisis, and I am glad he understands some of the issues he has, him and his wife have, and they are in a marriage that is really growing stronger every day. I am so happy for him, and to know that he will be here for our mother too.<p>Thanks for listening, somedays are pure miserable, and yesterday was a miserable day, with crying and crying. Am nervous this morning, going to take the new medication, hopefully it will help. Going to finish cleaning the pantry out. I canned every year, and found some old jars of produce. Throwing them out, and cleaning up.<p>Thank you to all of you. I am listening to what you are saying, and am trying. This is hard to do.

((((((Thinker))))))<p>Just want you to know that I am still praying for you, SNL, and your friend, Mary.<p>I think you are doing well enough for the situation. Keep hanging on.<p>You know another person (man) wouldn't ease the problems you're having. Only God can heal these wounds. Just give Him the time He needs to do that.<p>Love,<p>Hoping

thinker,<p>Thank you for taking the time to reply. Quite frankly, I am super worried about you. The dreams, shaking and nervousness are not good. I don't care how much that psychologist costs, please go in for an appointment ASAP as he gets back from vacation. And I am going to go out on a limb here - you NEED to go see this guy frequently (weekly?)right now. I went weekly for almost one entire year. You can not expect the medications alone to be a panacea. Dear friend, you are really needing help now. Think of yourself for once. You have just about drained your internal reserves dry. You have got to find a way to recharge and revitalize yourself. Your emotional wellbeing is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life right now. <p>Please, please do this for yourself. There is noone or nothing more important that your own healing and recovery, thinker. Do NOT alloow thoughts of anything else to get in the way of your healing. If those thoughts creep in or those dreams overtake your sleep, begin to pray immediately for God to give you the strength that you need to be able to heal and be happy. Pray and ASK for healing and happiness. Let prayer overcome those obsessive thoughts. It CAN be done. YOU CAN do it!!<p>Hugs and love to you, Desiree

Hope 4future - Thank you for your prayers. Mary is doing great, the surgery went well, she is recovering well, and she was able to have the surgery with less evasive procedure. Dr. said it was a miracle, but God did it. I have been asked to come over to her house, I told her I will when I get back from the horse show. She is so nice, christian, doesn't know anything about my situation. But I will tell her at that time. She said you seem down the day I was talking with her, she called here, and I said yes, must be that hormonal thing.<p>Roll me- I am scared for myself. I went to my mothers to talk and to tell her how nervous I am. I am seeing the Dr. on the 22 of this month, and he said that I probably would need at least a weekly visit, or possibly twice a week for awhile. I wish that I could of seen him today, but he is having fun with his family, and good for him. I did go to a seminar today, for myself. Then our younger daughter and I went to the spa, I got a facial, and she got her haircut. Our daughters haircut is so pretty, they did a beautiful job. I have rosacea - the person that did my face knows about rosacea - and I am seeing her again when I get back, as long as I don't have a sun burn. She saw that my lips were burnt from the sun when I was in Georgia. I put sunscreen on my face, but didn't think about my lips. She put this cream on my lips before the facial, and boy did they ever feel good. I am going to go to this person quite often, she has helped another woman with rosacea. This is something that our daughter said I needed.<p> Then we stopped and got a few groceries, cooking is going to be different now, and then I needed to take back a pair of pants I bought on sale, they are too big. So we shopped through the whole store looking at each department. It was a beautiful day, no complaining from daughter, and we each got a ice-cream cone, (Apple pie ice-cream from strohs) It was sooo.... good. I don't eat that much, cause the appetite has gone downhill. <p>I did make a plate for daughter to take over to SNL for him to eat. It was a very balanced meal, chicken breasts marinated, strawberries, apples, 2 slices of bread and butter and pickles. The kids said it was good, and they liked having the fresh fruit, and pickles, and homemade dilly beans. I am not going to serve much in the way of potatoes, or rice. No need to now, kids said they really don't care if there is potatoes. They do like rice. So I said a lot more salads, a lot more fresh vegetables, like cauliflower, broccoli and things like that. And stirfrys. <p>I got the pantry done this morning, and it looks so nice. Going to work on the cupboards, clean inside and out. Next will be to do the boys bedrooms. Both said yes they want their rooms cleaned up. We will put the stuff they want to keep in rubbermaid containers and store in the extra room upstairs. Label everything and get their rooms in a nice order. <p>Thanks for all your help. Found the medication my gyn prescribed for me thursday, helped me today. It was so hard getting up and shaking and crying this morning. I took a hot shower after the medication, and I felt better. It is the pits when you have to depend on drugs to get through a day. Wish I had the old days of getting up happy, looking forward to the day, looking forward to saying good morning to spouse. I say good morning to the kids, and have made them some breakfasts, eggs usually. <p>Anyways, it is time for bed, need to try to sleep one of these nights. I am getting worn out, sleep deprived, and need to start walking a great deal. Love to all of you, and thank you for your prayers. Mary says thank you too. <p>This is so hard, and so unfair. But the BS is the one who gets screwed big time. Still hard to comprehend, but hey life is not a bowl of cherries, it is a bucket of spurs.

thinker,<p>I am checking in with you this morning. Did you get a decent night's sleep? I sure am hoping so. Sounds llike you managed to turn your Saturday into a productive day. Good for you!!! When I was obsessing so much myself, I was finally able to funnel it into productive things that gave my self-satisfaction. I cleaned the heck out of my house, did all sorts of yard work, kept my driveway, garage, front porch and deck blown off and leaf free, installed low voltage lights in my yard, keep my vehicle pristine, etc. You know, all that busywork was what helped me to divert my obsessive thoughts elsewhere. Each time I was able to do stuff that I had not traditionally done, I felt so proud of myself, too! It just never seemed like "work".<p>You will make it. You are a strong woman, but just going through a most traumatic period right now. Good that you are eating a little more, too. I went down to 100 lbs during the worst of it, so I can relate to the loss of appetite. But, I promise, as you focus more on yourself, you will remember to take a little better care of yourself, or even treat yourself to small things like the ice cream with your daughter. Consider this too - try to go to lunch once every week or two with a girlfriend. This is when I finally started eating again. I went with different girlfriends, and we usually ordered one big meal and split it. It wasn't that much, and I was always encouraged to eat my "share". Eventually, I was able to do so.<p>Keep your thoughts on you today. Get moving into doing some FUN and STIMULATING things that thinker likes to do. Spend your quality time with people who CARE and LOVE you - your children, friends, family, etc. Get OFF the topic of your marriage, your problems, his problems and all of your relatives' problems. Start spending your quality time on topics that are positive, inspiring, hopeful, interesting, intriguing, etc. You get the picture. You have to take the positive steps to make your life more positive.<p>Oh, and please do me a favor. One day this week, when at the grocery store, pick yourself up one of those inexpensive bouquets of flowers for YOU, as a reward for turning a new page in the scrapbook of your life. Fresh flowers will brighten your week and serve as a visual reminder to you to make the most out of your day. If unhappy thoughts come to mind, look at the flowers and savor their beauty. Focus on how happy you feel just by looking at them!<p>Wishing you a good day. Make it YOUR day! <p>Desiree

Hi Thinker.. I am so sorry you are in pain...it looks as ifthe house organizing is going well! I too am workingo n this sort of thing... and working on kitchen today! I have alot of housework that slid during my depression... I have been a crying and lifetime tv junkie... anyway, i hope you get to feeling better.. and have another good day... i too, feel better some days.. worse others... with time you do get to doing better... perhaps just letting go and respecting you again... do not worry about your spouse for a while... sometimes seperation can be good and helpful.. and there is no d yet, right.. use the seperation as a time to have extra time for you to do more for you... this is what I am doing... I have been seperated since the day I found out... sept 15, and there were times in the first 3 months I thought I just could not go on... time heals... think happy thoughts.. and do something nice for you on a regular basis...it will get better... and you will renenber who you were before you married... you were wonderful , remember?! hugs, HONE Y

Honey & Roll Away - I was doing okay today, went shopping with our oldest daughter, she is a tomboy, but the things she bought are actually feminine. Was nice to see her buying clothes that show her figure. She has very long hair, down to her butt, and she is getting that cut Monday evening. The locks of hair are being given to Love of Locks. The hairdresser is one who gives free haircut and style for the donation of hair. Our daughter has another long lock from previous haircut many years ago, to give too. <p>We had a nice lunch, at a soup bar. Then we shopped and shopped. This is the most shopping I have ever done in years. I bought a few things for myself, and our daughter said that we will go shopping for me, with our other daughter. <p>We came home and SNL popped in. He was here earlier, son told me. I guess he helped himself to food in the refrigerator, so sure he isn't really on his own, yes he eats here, uses the washer when he wants to, and showers here. I got so depressed with him here, and bascially went to washing the floor, and cleaning the upstairs bathroom. This man doesn't say hello, doesn't say goodbye, doesn't say how are you. He just comes in and goes as he pleases.<p>I was wondering to have the locks changed, do you need a lawyer or something? I asked snl if he wants to work on the marriage, and he said no. I am so mixed up, this man is killing me inside. I don't know how you guys are all handling it so well, my life is so screwed up, SNL has basically thrown me out, dumped me, and he is so happy now. So cheerful. God, this is so unfair, so unfair, so unfair. <p>I don't sleep well, I sleep basically pretty crappy most of the nights. I feel like drinking a bunch of alcohol and drowning the troubles away. Now I know why people drink, and get drunk. The appetite is there for basically one meal only. The hurt hurts so much, food doesn't want to go down, and the head hurts so much these days. Did any of you have such headaches during these times. I feel dizzy too, and find myself off balance. Maybe I'll just die of a heartattack and end this misery. Anyways, how do you sleep when you can't, how do you sleep when your life is all screwed up. <p>SNL can sleep, will call to give him a service call, takes him awhile to come to the phone and he is sleeping. One day I called to give him a call he was sleeping. Called later that night to tell him another service call, 8:30pm at night and he is in bed sleeping again. I just can't see how he sleeps so much. He has plenty to do at that house, a lot to do for his mother to move in. The house is not liveable by inspection. And he can sleep whenever. I am busting my butt here trying to get the house clean and get the dust bunnies out. This house has not been cleaned thoroughly in so long. Cause SNL leaves parts everywhere, and if I was to move anything, he b*t*hed. He still does b*t*h when I have moved something, but hey he doesn't live here, so I can do with stuff that makes sense and gets things organized. He even stated today that his stuff is such a mess. <p>Anyways, went out for a drive, and got back to do some more laundry, and type a little. Well talk in the morning, going to try to sleep, doesn't come very easily. Thanks for caring, and listening, this does mean a lot. SNL doesn't care about me anymore, just comes and eats, and leaves or whatever. He doesn't know what being by himself means yet, he thinks he can come and go as he pleases.

Aw Thinker,
I'm so sorry.<p>SNL stuff wouldn't be such a mess in a box on the sidewalk. My H never took his stuff either when he moved out. I think it makes it even more difficult having his possessions all around, clothes in the closet. I'd start boxing it up...and then get mad because he was gone and it was there and it wasn't my responsibility to move it....<p>You can check into the legality of changing locks, I know my divorce lawyer advised against it. But when I asked my H to call before coming over, and not enter the house if the kids or I weren't here, he did as I asked. I had his key for a little while, but gave it back because he wasn't misusing it. You also aren't responsible for his nutrition. If you want to ask him over for supper that's fine. But he's an adult, he can get food when he's not there. And really, if he is over, he shouldn't expect to eat with you without being invited.<p>Separations is tough stuff. He's made a choice and that choice is not living in his home with his family. "Honoring" that choice by not treating him like your H, is reality.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{thinker}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lor - I did invite him for dinner a few times, but he came over yesterday, and helped himself to whatever was in the refrigerator. He called to make sure I wasn't there, and the first time I wasn't, then he called again to come over but we showed up at about the same time. He stayed and worked on somethings, asking me where the meters were that were on a shelf on the bookcase I cleaned, and said on one of these 2 shelves in the computer room. He looked, but couldn't find it, so I got on my hands and kness and opened all the little boxes, and found it. He is so helpless with finding things. <p>I am packing all his clothes in containers, and getting his things out of my sight. He doesn't see how this hurts the BS. Of course he says it is his house (which it is), but he doesn't live here anymore, and doesn't want to work on the marriage.<p>The other thing, is he is going to stay here at our house with the kids while I am gone with the oldest daughter at a horse show in South Carolina. I have asked him not to sleep in our bed, he can sleep in daughters bed. I have asked him to not go into our bedroom, cause he calls it my bedroom now. So changes are being made, and I want some privacy from him. I don't go into his bedroom at his house. Have only been there once or twice since he moved there, and don't plan on going over there unless I have to. There has to be boundaries, and my boundary is he is not allowed in my bedroom. Since it is not ours anymore according to him, he doesn't need to go in. <p>I feel he should get totally on his own, and see what it is going to be like cooking his own food, dishes, washing clothes, cleaning, paperwork. He has about 80-90 pounds to lose. Who knows maybe a little more, and if he eats unhealthy, or restrict his food intake, he will go into starvation load, and then he will have a hard time loosing weight. Diabetes runs in his family, and he needs to watch himself, with his food intake, and sugar and carbohydrates. When I would make mashed potatoes or rice, he would still get 2 slices of bread and put lots of butter on the bread. I have found the butter here is lasting a long time. The kids don't like butter, I get Olivia and they like that, it is made with Olive Oil. I packed up a box of food for him to use, the crunchy peanut butter, kids don't like, gave him some cans of soup, cracker, and things like that. <p>Anyways, it will be tough, and I just seem to hang on by a thread. Wish it was easier, but to no avail. At least right now, he is around too much, and just hearing his voice on the phone triggers me. The trip away will do me good, the sun will be wonderful, and I love going to horse shows, and meeting the people our oldest daughter has met. Daughter is going to run in South Carolina and I am going to walk my 5-6 miles. Want to get into great shape, need to lose about 5 pounds, and firm up. After the knee surgery, my legs have gotten soft, cause was walking 5-6 miles a day prior to surgery. Anyways, enought for now. <p>Last night I was in a very bad mood. I am sorry for all the disruptions I have, but this cycle of marriage is so ugly. Thank you for listening.

Thinker,
I doubt you were apologizing to me for the "disruptions" you have...my lord I wailed here for nearly the whole 21 months my H moved in & out of our house. Headaches, nausea, throwing up, shakes, feeling like a floor sander had gone through my chest & as if I was leaving bloody footprints...I drank too much, finally had to go on anti-depressants, still drank too much. Ugh.<p>It's easier to know you survived than it is to remember how.<p>The good things I did for myself were spending time with my kids, exercising, reading, talking to friends. I started going to a second counselor alone after our first C was a failure (I really think it was him & not us, but the poor guy didn't have the info he needed). Eventually my H joined me, and even went alone much later on.<p>I had a hard time when my H was reading & posting on MB. He'd even say I was lying...whereas it was more that I didn't include every detail or it was my viewpoint and very different from his.<p>So, as if I've never read an snl post, here is what I think. If your H isn't eating right, that isn't your responsibility right now. It isn't in your control. It is his decision to have a dozen carbo servings each meal. When he feels bad enough, he will stop or die.<p>I know I was very sunk into my wife role, that I was my H's wife when he absolutely didn't want one, it pushed him away. It doesn't mean you can't be cordial, amicable, polite, even helpful, but meals, laundry...things he is capable of doing, should be on his shoulder.<p>Sometimes when your H stops you from being a wife, if you are a strong caretaker type, you slide into being their mother. Which is even worse and will cause rebellion issues.<p>SNL saying it is his house...and who is controlling whom? I don't live there, but my stuff stays? <p>During the bad times, my H always said I was controlling, and I am [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , but he is equally controlling and it took me awhile to figure that out. In many ways--finances, kids, household--I was managing or scrambling, not controlling.<p>Setting boundaries is a good thing at this point for you. I'm glad you are able to do so. And, though I didn't want my H in the house when I wasn't there, I realize others feel just the opposite, that the outside-of-the-house spouse can't be there if the resident spouse is. I didn't like finding things, like cookware, bedding, VCR tapes simply gone. It wasn't as if I wouldn't divvy things up, I wanted to know what was already divided...also so I wouldn't keep looking for stuff that was gone.<p>I guess I've gone off on a bit of a ramble [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>You get through this one decision, one hour or day at a time. Make the best decisions you can, that are open to you. Try not to worry about tomorrow.<p>I think you sound strong. You have to live with you, no matter what happens with your marriage.

thinker,<p>Glad you went shopping and enjoyed the time with your D. Lor gave great advice to you, too. I agree that boundaries are needed. You are doing too much for snl. You think about him too much and your last two posts were full of all the details about snl.<p>Please, please, please find a way to stop obsessing about him. Stop worrying about him. Try to stop thinking of him at all, in any way that you are able to do so. Also, stop thinking about how happy you think he might be. <p>Look, you guys are separated. Use this time as a Plan B. I think Jennifer would agree. You tried to be nice, caring, loving, receptive to reconciliation, etc. All those efforts did not change things for you. You still ended up separated. So, why continue to do all those things that got you nothing but more hurt and heartache in return?? It is time for snl to get some consequences, thinker. You have to be unavailable to him in every aspect. No calling him for the service calls. Try to figure out another method. No fixing him dinner. No fixing him care packages of food. Look, I tell you this because I tried it all - I DID ALL THESE SAME THINGS AND GUESS WHAT????? My exH just used and abused my generosity and in the long run it meant nothing and mattered not at all. My take is this: either snl will miss you and your loving ways or he won't. <p>Why should he miss your love and care right now? You are still giving it to him for free. What consequences is he paying? You don't think the house he is living in is good enough, but he doesn't care. He can easily live in a mess that would drive you nuts. <p>The boundaries are NOT meant to punish. They only serve to say that things are different by HIS choice. You might end up divorced, thinker. You can't be taking care of him forever or letting him have free reign in the house you live in. He left by HIS choice. You would be justified in changing the locks in my opinion. <p>I loved Lor's analogy - DON'T TURN INTO HIS MOTHER. In the long run, you will not get a repentent, loving H by doing all for him in return for nothing from him.<p>Now, about the sleeping. Hey, don't think I didn't have all those same sleepless nights, too. You can not be traumatized and not feel some drastic physical effects. You are NORMAL. It is just that somehow you have to stop the cycle of obsessing. Try as hard as you can to not feel sorrow for yourself and see yourself as the "victim". It is the hardest thing to do, and it won't happen overnight. But, it is crucial to getting over the "hump" and beginning the recovery and self-healing process. <p>You are going to do fine, thinker. Keep your mind focused on as many positive things as you can.<p>I have you in my daily thoughts and prayers. Desiree