I relate so well with BR's life journey and I want to read about her experiences with addicted WS. I searched with her #8393 but it brings up every thread she ever posted on. Too much to sort through. I want to read her profile and some of the steps of her journey. I have some decisions to make and need a little mind expansion.<p>Does anyone know a different way of reading more of her story.<p>BR---you have become pretty famous on these boards. You are a women with much wisdom. Hope all is well.<p>TW

Hi Tossed ~ <p>A huge chunk of my story is in the Profiles thread on Just Found Out. <p>I guess you could search my user ID for the words alcoholism, acceptance, anger, depression and detachment - I don't know if that will give you any more information or not.<p>My most important steps happened when I learned to accept reality, detach with love from my husband, take responsiblity for my own life and my own choices, learned to own only those things that were mine, and to live and let live regarding anything else. I learned to put the focus on me and what I wanted and needed, and took responsiblity for my part in the break down in the marriage by correcting those faults. I had to learn to let go of expectations, let go of the need to be "right", and let go of my self-will.<p>Absolutely none of it required getting my husband to change or involved him at all. It was all about me - which is why I constantly talk about keeping the focus on yourself. <p>What do you want to know? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

"My most important steps happened when I learned to accept reality, detach with love from my husband, take responsiblity for my own life and my own choices, learned to own only those things that were mine, and to live and let live regarding anything else. I learned to put the focus on me and what I wanted and needed, and took responsiblity for my part in the break down in the marriage by correcting those faults. I had to learn to let go of expectations, let go of the need to be "right", and let go of my self-will."<p>Spoken like a true champion. I couldn't have said it better. This is pretty much what I've done/am doing at this point.<p>sad dad

"Need BrambleRose insight"? Don't we all!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WAT

BR----I want to know everything---what will happen, how to act, what to say, what not to say....BUT I know this is all a process that we learn as we go. <p>WS came here this morning and told me he wants to move back in. I asked AGAIN if he was done with OW. He shocked me and said yes this time. In the past he would say he was working on it. I said since when. He said he told her last night that they cannot see each other anymore cause he wants to come back to our M. I told him that I would love for nothing more but to work on our marriage but that my trust level with him is zero. I asked, what can be done with that? He said all the right things but I know he is scared as I am. <p>I know that your H is a drinker and I know you mentioned that he has agreed to look at his drinking but how is that effecting your recovery?
How are you working your recovery??? reading books, communication, M counseling???
I do not know how to do this recovery stuff. I asked him what will he do when the withdrawal of OW starts and how will he resist starting things up again when the temptation comes? He has no resources or help so that freeks me out. He is the pull-yourself-up-with-your-bootstrap type and he seems to spin his boots in the mud alot.<p>I guess I need the basic Recovery 101 seminar. Or maybe a little pep talk. Give me some basic advice to start me out. What has to be totally clear and solid before he moves back in?<p>I have been truly successful in facing reality, living my life and letting go, making choices best for me, and detaching while WS is out of the house. It is a whole different ballgame when they come back. Mind you, I could not do the above at one point while he was even out of this house but I have progressed to really letting go and living my life. I like my life as a matter of fact but it can be a tad colorless at times without someone to share it with. <p>Funny---last night at Alanon the subject was manipulation, making choices, saying no, and making decisions with boundaries. How appropiate?<p>Do you still snoop? how does trust get rebuilt if you do not know what reality is?<p>How are you doing?<p>TW

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>WS came here this morning and told me he wants to move back in. I asked AGAIN if he was done with OW. He shocked me and said yes this time. In the past he would say he was working on it. I said since when. He said he told her last night that they cannot see each other anymore cause he wants to come back to our M. I told him that I would love for nothing more but to work on our marriage but that my trust level with him is zero. I asked, what can be done with that? He said all the right things but I know he is scared as I am. <hr></blockquote><p>You probably won't like my advice after this [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Frankly, you don't trust him because you shouldn't trust him, and he has not done even one single thing to rebuild your trust.<p>Trust is earned, so is forgiveness. <p>My husband also told me that it was over and he wanted to work on our marriage, but he wasn't ready yet. He went back to the OW more than once.<p>In fact, my husband just read this over my shoulder, and he turned to me and said: Just tell her to just strip the emotions and facts away from the situation. How many relationships do you know about that break up, get back together, break up, get back together? <p>What my husband is saying and what I'm saying is that just because he says it is over doesn't mean that it is so. As my husband says: "What he says means nothing."<p>I understand that you want your marriage to be in recovery. It's not there yet.<p>The only thing you need to do regarding your husband right now is to ask: What are YOU planning to do to rebuild my trust and our marriage?<p>IF his answer is a plan that you can live with (and ideally he should be asking you what you need from him)...then you need to make a plan for yourself (not with him). You need to decide what you need, what you can live with and how long you are willing to wait to see these results happen. <p>I certainly wouldn't have him move back home immediately. My husband spent a month showing me that he meant what he said - and I had a no-contact letter, access to every bit of his life, and alot of other actions to back up his words when he moved back home.<p>I also want to stress that our relationship had been improving a great deal over the weeks leading up to my husband's final decision to come home. Our relationship (outside of the affair garbage) was very comfortable, friendly, and we had been spending alot of time together. His affair was dying and we were growing closer, even though I was in the process of divorcing him.<p>As for the drinking - he's still active. He says he is not addicted. For me, I have made a choice to remain in the relationship even though he is still drinking, because he is doing the things I need him to do. As long as he continues to do the things I need him to do, I let the rest go - "live and let live". <p>His drinking is not a destructive force in my life, I don't deal with violence, blackouts, passing out, throwing up, DUIs, etc. He's a very high functioning alcoholic who becomes very sweet and loving when he's drunk which is very rare. (Have I mentioned that he's 6'5", weighs 250, and has a tolerance like you wouldn't believe?)<p>I literally take things one day at a time and practice detachment when it comes to the drinking. Live and let live - focusing on my issues, not his.<p>How do we recover? Well we did telephone sessions with Steve Harley during our failed recovery. He agrees with the Marriage Builders stuff and we work out of the books, discussing ENs and LBs. We also found "The Five Love Languages" very helpful.<p>The bottom line is that we are in recovery because regardless of my husband's addiction...he made a choice to take responsibilty for his actions and his part of our marriage.<p>I don't know where its going from here. I stick close to my Al-Anon sponsor, and I accept and enjoy the relationship that I do have with my husband now, and I don't spend alot of time focused on the future.<p>Honestly Tossed, it's too soon for you to get excited about recovery. You need to remain detached and simply watch and wait.<p>You need to ask yourself a very tough question:<p>What do YOU need in your life? Is your husband someone that YOU want to be married to? <p>Notice that I asked "Is your husband...". I didn't say "Could your husband be..." You should be making your decisions based on what you need, DESERVE, and want in your life - and based on who he is, not who he could be, or used to be, or might become, etc.<p>And by all means, keep going to those Al-Anon meetings - every day if at all possible.<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</p>

BR and hubby----your advice was nothing new to me and it does not bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I just said many of these things to a friend today about the situation. I am fully aware of the on and off again nature of infidelity. WS has been "coming back" since last Nov. He keeps wanting to work on things but has not been able to break off with OW. They work in the same building but do not have any work responsibilities together so we discussed that. When he asked about coming back, I did not jump right on it. I told him I had to sort some things out but he could prove to me that the A is over and he will WORK on us, we can discuss what is needed. I told him that trusting him was a Level Zero. I asked what he would do to build that trust in our M and he did "say" the right things. Only time will tell if he can do it. I do not have my hopes up.....I figure we have two options before us. We can try and if it doesn't work, IT IS OVER or we can have a better M than before. It can only go those two ways---NEVER will our M go back to where it was. It is impossible to go back to where it was cause we are both different.

BR---I did not finish but hit a key by mistake and it posted the above message.<p>I value your advice cause it confirms in me all that I have been thinking about. I came up with a small plan this morning. If he is truly done with OW, that we need to talk and touch base each day plus next week we need to sit down and read and discuss Harley's chapter about ending the A. I want a no contact letter to OW but he does not know that yet. So that should be interesting. If he can't do that, then WE ain't going nowhere. There is no date to move back and thanks for sharing about the process for hubby and you before he moved back. I was planning on seeing a lawyer in the next couple of weeks and still will follow thru with that. I can live without him now. I have discovered that. But I also want to work on things cause we have too much to lose. I do love him and he is the person I have admired the most of anyone I know. I failed to show him that or he was unable to see it so that is a thang I have to work on. Admiration is at a low right now. <p>Alanon is helping me with the drinking aspect of his life and if we have some kind of life together, I think his drinking will be something I can let go of. I say "I think" because I have yet to learn that totally. He only drinks about 4-6 beers on Saturday and/or Sunday but he does it to escape. If he isn't escaping US, then what he drinks will be something I hope I can put into perspective. He all ready is a person I want to be with. I do not struggle with that at all but it "felt" like he was not available to me on weekends and never would listen to how some things made me feel so obviously a wall was built that came between us. <p>He says he wants us to work on things ourselves for now and if we can't, then we can go to counseling. I know he is a very tormented man right now. The pain of trying to be with OW and wanting to be home with me is driving him crazy. He knows OW is not right So I can only hope that the pain will be his motivator to keep his distance from OW. I also have been praying that OW will find another job. WS is a paraplegic who was on disability for 16 years before he got this job. He could never find another job like this. It is not easy finding a job with no college degree as a disabled person. Him leaving his job is totally out of the question so that makes our situation much more difficult. I must say that is a real struggle for me but I have to hope that what he is saying is true---OW is not what he thought and he can't do this anymore.<p>Thank you so much for your accurate and precise advice. You have learned so much and your willingness to help others is a blessing.<p>TW