Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.<p>Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.<p>I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".<p>Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either." <p>Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart! The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....<p>WHO THE HELL AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?<p>And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.<p>Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances. <p>Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.<p>I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.<p>That is a powerful message to myself. The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .<p>I think I get it now.<p>Best to all of you travelers on this journey!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]<p>[ May 04, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Pepperband... this is too awesome for me to take in all at once!<p>All I can say is YES! YES! YES!<p>Cali

Pepper,<p>Thank you for this.<p>Jo

PB,
This is one of the most important, well-written and valuable posts I have ever read on this site.
Thank you for sharing.
I am so glad that you "get it" and offered this nugget of wisdom that may allow me (and countless others) to get it too.<p>Peace,
Wiffle

Great insights, Pepperband. (Thanks to Cali for posting the link In Recovery. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I'm not sure about this though:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>I understand my spouse is the better man for it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Could you elaborate? I am hoping you mean "better" for staying with the faithful spouse and not "better" for the experience of having the A. <p>I've been thinking way too much this week. But yours was a welcome addition to my already boggled mind. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks, PB.

Cali, Jo, Wiffle ....as *Elvis* would say:Thankyaverymuuuch....<p>Persevering .....My spouse is a better man as a result of the work he did to develop positive differentiated self worth .... and that made him attractive to me as a marriage partner again. He now loves and respects himself too much to ever lower his standards again.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow Pepper!<p> Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been going through for the past few weeks. I have been realizing this about myself but you were so eloquent in expressing what goes on within a BS applying a good Plan A. You really hit the nail on the head!<p> I have to get that book. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Wiffle:
PB,<p>This is one of the most important, well-written and valuable posts I have ever read on this site. <p>Thank you for sharing.<p>I am so glad that you "get it" and offered this nugget of wisdom that may allow me (and countless others) to get it too.<p>Peace,
Wiffle<hr></blockquote><p>I read this post twice.<p>I agree with Wiffle, Pepperband. Great post and insight! Thanks for putting into words what I've been trying to sort out in my mind.<p>Love,
Jo

Aha! <p>Something we've been saying all along....only a clearer, more concise and different way of saying it. Differentiation, huh? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Neat thing is, now we actually have something smart to say when we hear other BS's post "Why can't I have an A in retaliation?!".<p>This one goes into "Noteable posts/threads", Pepperband! <p>Thank you! And thanks, Cali! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

PB: Thank you. This was a wonderful B-day present. I have a new view of Plan A I think I can understand.

Pepper - very well done. I bow down to you and kiss your feet.<p>WAT

dear pepper- you have my respect and admiration!! you go girl!!!

must keep a GREAT post UP!<p>Hugs to all,
Cali

You are an awesome writer!<p>Excellent thread!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Pepper,<p>This is one of those that you just sit back in AAAWWWWW!!!<p>I think what you said was great and the only negative thing I have is:<p>Wish I could of had this earlier in the recovery process. Would have helped out more than you could know.<p>Thank again Pepper.<p>
wwl

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>...I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances"...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, awesome! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Like doing unto others as we would have them do unto us, only there is never any guarantee that they will...

PB--<p>This is, of course, great insight. <p>While I am in Plan B with my WW...I try to remain in plan A for me.<p>I think plan A here is one of the most misunderstood precepts of MB...<p>So many here, desperate to win back their spouse and their former life, seem to look at plan A as some sort of strategy that will win them back their spouse, (convincing them to return) when the real focus needs to be on themselves. <p>While the changes made in plan A can very well lead to a return of the WS...the fact is that the changes need to be made in the BS for them... <p>It is important for the occasional post such as this one to focus on the real value of plan A...<p>Thanks<p>E

Bumpin up a great post for Monday morning!!<p>Thanks!!!

Bump!!!!

YES YES YES