My H has finally said that he is willing to let go of the past and work on the future. H says that he is willing to do anything to "get me back". H has been working very hard to meet some EN that have always been lacking. I see this effort and i am impressed. <p>However, I am dead. Empty. Annoyed. frustrated. Angry. and so not in love any more.<p>I dont konw how to respond. The history of our life together is a roller coaster. He will try for a bit to do stuff and UNDO it all with some nasty flip out moment. I just dont know if i trust his efforts? I dont know what i want anymore. I have worked hard on me, to change things about me, to set boundaries and follow them, to relearn who mercy is. I feel like with all that history that exsists, H isnt in the equation. <p>I dont know how to get the "love back" period. What the hell is wrong with me??<p> [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
mercy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What the hell is wrong with me?? <hr></blockquote><p>Nothing.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I just dont know if i trust his efforts? <hr></blockquote><p>The person you have to learn to trust is you. That mercy can take care of mercy.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I feel like with all that history that exsists, H isnt in the equation. <hr></blockquote> What equation? That H must somehow complete mercy? <p>You are only responsible for your half of the relationship. You. You Whole. Intact. Loving yourself and able to share that love with another. Two independent people who can take care of themselves and choose to share their love and when able take care of the other.<p>The equation begins and ends with mercy.<p>Hugs,
Cali

Mercy, <p>I found myself in a similar situation. So after doing all that I can do, I told H that if this M was to be a real M that the majority of the work would rest on his shoulders. He had to win me back. Why? Because I am just not sure. <p>Of course, this was after I did give him a couple of weeks to settle back. You realize that PBR has been making attempts to call but overall they have been going down. The last know call was supposedly a wrong number and the one before that was over a dumb boulder. <p>Bottom line is that I stopped doing the majority of the M repair work. Seems like he is reaching out but he still has a ways to go. I often get hurt and depressed but I keep plugging, learn to give 'that look; and now he is responding better and quicker. Why even this morning while I was 1/2 way between trying to talk myself to staying bed and getting up, he could sense I wanted to know 'something'. Big step for the confilict avoider. <p>Hope this helps. I certainly understand y our feelings. <p>Take Care,
L.

I suggest a quick review of Surviving an Affair. <p>I believe that the only way to get the love back is to spend time together to replace those lost love units. In the book, I think that Harley recommends that the couples take off work and go on a week or two week vacation to jump start the process. <p>Then you are supposed to spend 30 hours a week together instead of the usual 15 hours a week.<p>It's supposedly proven that by spending this time AND meeting each others EN's as well as following the four rules of recovery, that the love does come back.<p>K

Mercy, can't offer much here but a "Thank you". My H has not yet decided what he wants to do, but I've been feeling in and out of love the last few weeks. <p>Thank you for making me realise I'm (fairly [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) normal.

mercy+children+school+ (husband) is what i mean. sometimes i feel that i dont have the time to worry about a marriage that has just wanted to fail!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As far as spending time together. we dont have the time. Period. I am home from 6am getting kids off to school, until 4:30pm, i go off to classes as H walks in the door. I am gone til 9:30 at night 4 nights a week. The other 3 nights a week, he tends to stay at work to get hours to complete his "hourly requirement". <p>I KNOW what SSA consists of. I have done numerous "studies" on this situation in several books. online boards ect. I know what the requirement is for spending time together. Well when life deals you a hand that says....NO, no time together...there isnt anyway to change it, waht do u do then? I cannot under any circumstances take less classes, he under no circumstances can take more time off work. Finances do NOT allow for any kind of vacation, we have no support system at all. My mother wont watch the kids unless she is paid, his family disowed us years ago. My sis lives 350 miles away...blah blah blah. Is there NOT a reason that I shouldnt feel hopeless?<p>(sigh)
mercy

OK, if classes and work can't be altered..then the kids have to go!<p>Just kidding!<p>Yup it is extrememly hard to find time for each other. My partner is MD with his own practice and so is on 24/7. I have my own practice as well but can keep it confined to about 50 hours/week. 3 kids, plus a foster kid..although they are in late teens early 20's.<p>Hmm.. looks like any time is going to have to come after classes....reunite for about 30 minutes before bedtime?<p>What are the weekends like? Any spare minutes there? Can you get up 1/2 hour early together before the kids are up?<p>The point is to be creative...My partner reads newspaper to me while I fix dinner, we'll do laundry or dishes together.<p>But something will have to give. We both realized this early on and arranged our schedules to be off together Wed afternoons..that 4 hours of "only us" times...the rest usually has a kid here or there.<p>Mercy, sit down with him and a calendar and carve out time here and there...let some of the house work go, or better yet..do it together in half the time.<p>T

Well, that answered the time question, but not the you question...sorry..I got off on a tangent.<p>The "you" part comes with a little time. I wasn't so ready to throw myself back into his arms either afer a couple false recoveries. Half the time I felt I was "faking it" to even be around him. That fades as you reestablish communication and trust. Doesn't happen overnight..it does take time.<p>That's why meeting each others needs and have soem free time together is so important..it allows that to happen.
T