Do not want to game play, but any sign of weakness in me over the A... my H interprets as emotional problems in me... yes, I am very emotional over this... I am used to sharing my emotions and feelings with my h and he is the only one in life... I have shared such deep feelings and insight about me with... my foo is v er y conservative and always together... and they do not do feelings very well.. they are the push on be strong types- and with my h I thought I had found such acceptance and love... but when I have made mistakes in life... in my marriage... I just feel so unforgiven... <p>I feel so unworthy of anything sometimes.s... not totally, really... but I too, am mad at myself for what I have done wrong and I beat myself up over it. I really am depressed... I have good days and I have bad days... today is harder.. and he may be coming for lunch...<p>I am scared... he has criticized me so much... house not clean enough... me too fat... teeth problem- I am needing some dental work right now... but it is not the end of the world... it is as if my h wants me to be the beauty queen wife... and honestly I have potential... but I have been in a low... with back injury... and that is when he left. me... so when he left when I was low, I fell lower, and I just wanted him to pick me up in his arms and say he loved me and would help me get back to me... and get over all the pills I am on, etc... right after he left... I had a procedure on my back that really helped... and I am a lto better, and went form around 24 pills a day to only 7 now... still too many.... <p>I love him to pieces and wish I could be what you want.... <p>thanks for listening.... I appreciate it... I need to get dressed... I had to run to eye doc this morning without the chance to get all done I wanted...in my beauty routine,... and I have a 3 yr. old tugging on me that won't do what I say... and 2 kids messing up the house... I am exhausted from work and want some time to rest... and h is also wanting me to do sme favors for him in our small business... we used to have....

Honey ... your worthiness is independent of what your spouse thinks of you.<p>You own your self worth. Don't borrow his.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>That actually brought tears to my eyes. I know I treated my WW this way before D-Day. That probably has a lot to do with her looking elsewhere. With her childhood sexual abuse and co-dependency issues, and with me being the way you described your H, it is now wonder (sometimes) why W had an A.<p>What you wrote, just made me realize a "different way" I was such an [censored] (I know I was, but this is a different way).<p>I just want to say I'm sorry for you and towards my W. Maybe I did deserve W's A. Wait, I know that's not right, but it just makes me wonder and think sometimes aloud.

thanks so much, it brought tears to my eyes rereading it... I am trying so hard to be better for him... I know that is what he wants... I am not as good as I used to be... I have 25 pounds to lose... to be a size 4 again... ok, I will do it! and I need to be better at house keeping,a nd ect... and improving my health will help.. so I am going to start working out... if it kills me... it is just that H doesn't want to hear my issues.. and it hurts.. he just wants to think I am wonder woman! I have been in the past... I can hear that song playing wonder woman! www wonder woman! <p>I was when my latest baby was born... I wored professional job... lost my weight immediately from preg.. down to 114 pounds.. and went 2 night a week to mba program... and worked part time second job... and was availalbe to him as best I could be.... www wonder woman... i did all housekeeping and kept home in good order, and took total care of kids and their activities and childcare... I planned dates for us, and looked gorgwous...<p>OK, i fall a little herniated disk... from car wreck.. wonder woman is no more.... I forget did I marry in sickness and in health... what is so wrong with expecting my h to love me when I fall... I think the more angry he got over my pain... he called me a cripple... for nedding bed rest.. made fun of me for using a heating pad at tnight... etc... I reallly think his attitude depressed me more... and made me worse... he was angry I was in pain... he sd... do not tell me you feel bad or hurt anymore... I do not want to hear it... It was so hard... i wnated love and acceptance... and I acted strong to outside people... and family, and only h knew my real pain... well he did not wnat to see it.... and stikll does not.. thank god it is getting better.. but I just took my meds... I was suppossed to go to a pain specialist psychologist right before he left.. and he never did... I knew the pain was causing lots of issues in my Marriage.. he even sd my injury is costing him his marriage.... ok, now he denies this... he says... it is all about my blow ups.... Ok, there are a few throughuot our 10+ yr marriage.. not that he has not had them... but h says that these... 9 + things drove him away... it is so much about.... him looking for an excuse..<p>Anyway a bit stronger feeling tonight.. thanks for the support.. it is sad to let my self esteem fall so low... I felt like a blob who was getting hopeless this morning.. this afternoon... and evening, now... I realize I am losing weight.. I am getting better.. h even sd.. when here today... oh things are a lot better.. but it is all about my injury... he acts like it is ME????? just me.... maybe issue is the ba ck injury is impossible to see, and they just see me as a loony lazy person, not one in pain? I am not pretending about my back! agggghhhh! sorry to go on and on, but this is so much of the issue... when walking and activities I ussually enjoyed were issues... he sd.. before the A... I am going to find someone more fun who can do the things we used to do together.... talk about heartbreaking... i did not know he was thinking out loud... I just thought it was a mean comment he would never act on????<p>thanks everyone... I am glad this helps at least one guy see how us gals need to be loved... guy s too I am sure..
thanks, H