I am very nervous... about my h coming over... and he does not really want to deal with me.. me upstairs.. he down with kids... <p>I want him of course to come in put his arms around me tell me he loves me... and it is all going to be---ok, he wants tyo work it out.. and will do everythng it takes.. <p>thanks, plse advise... he will be here soon,<p>H

Honey, get yourself under control! You can cause more damage by letting your emotions take over than if you just react cooly and stay away! You will HELP the situation if you keep your distance and act calm and relaxed. <p>Reacting emotionally or appearing needy will only push him away. It will be ok, hon, just go upstairs and relax. You can do it!! We will be pulling for you!

You can do it Honey!!<p>
Read, write, exercise, watch TV, take a bath, organize your closet, vacuum, rearrange your furniture, put pictures in your photo album (maybe too painful right now?), wash your windows, match up all your socks, iron your sheets, fold up all your underware and organize, arrange your closet in color order, sort through old clothes and give to good will, clean your bathroom, banish all dust bunnies, put on music and dance, call a friend, play solitare, plan a vacation, look through a magazine, seek out a new haircut, train your dog (if you have one), stay on your computer, go outside and start your spring clean up, go for a walk, go out, DO NOT GO TO HIM<p> I'm out of ideas for now. But I know how you would just love for him to come up and see you. I would love that too. Maybe go to the kitchen for a drink. I'm not sure how your house is. Upstairs in my house is all bedrooms and a den. Downstairs is DR,LR,K, laundry, bathroom and then the finished basement. SO I'm not sure how isolated you are upstairs or what you have access to.
Hang in there! You can do it!
Forgiver

Honey,<p>How are you doing now? You need to keep in check!!! Stay up stairs if you feel like LBing. Wish I had an upstairs. This little house of ours is way to cozy!! LOL! <p>L.

uh oh, no Honey since she posted this! Hope the girl is not languishing in the Houston jail! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Stay distant. You mentioned in previous posts that he disliked your clingyness. Act aloof. I will take so much for you to do this, but do this you must!!<p>Please give us an update after he leaves. Im thinking of you.

He came over a lot quicker than I thought he would... he called while I was taking a bath supposedly and then when he got no answer... just came on over... so I had just got dressed when he showed.. up...pla n was for him to spend time with kids... and to make them dinner.... so he did that... also brought food for me... brought us a few groceries and left them here... <p>This is big day... my H has not spent time here since he moved out sept. 15, now he made a list about what needs to be improved in the house... I guess this is his list... before he will come home.... it is a little mean... but it mostly entails men's jobs that are outside... putting ant killer on ant pile.... he does have putting away some of my business stuff and also my suppliess.... for this business.. which take up a little room... I do need to do this... and I will.... I was going to anyway...<p>No, I am not in jail today, thanks... haha... the way I lb'd in the past... and the amount of times my h has threatened to call the police on me... is insane... I think it is his way of getting me back... see, the alcohol issues... in alanon.. they taught me to call police whenever I felt in danger or that he was out of control.. so police have been called on this poor h of mine many times... and many when just his words upset me... the police would come and really all they could do was sepertae us... I never wanted to place charges and never did... but he has gotten more serious.. .nad once in the beginning placed charges on me, anyway... I do think he is trying to hurt me in the way I hrut him... I think he felt unsafe living here where I would throw him out or call the police anytime he did any little drinking thing I felt upset by... and I used to get way more upset... and threatened... <p>maybe things are better...<p>ok, anyway.. he cooked for kids... and I was upstairs working, as he asked for a little help,.... I felt strange doing this, but I figured just a little would be ok... as a love depostit.... we have worked together very successfully in the past... and my issues of not doing my part in our business due to an injury... and pain... etc.. is one reason he has been angry at me.... so anyway... I did help.... and then I was suprisingly called down for dinner....<p>well, he had made me a special plate.. just like he used to , and had cooked a good meal... very nice of him.... and then after dinner time to take older son to spend thenight party... H actually sd he would drive him... wow? what is going on here? is he missing being a dad and living here///<p>but his comments were... the house makes me sick... clutter, and the cat smell.... I got a cat since he left... and he has allergies... I clean litter box daily, but he still was disgusted... came in and opened windows... we sprayed freshener... and he just majorly complained how the house made him sick... nice, nice, right? the ow had a dog in her house... I think more than anything it is the litter box... so I am going to get a cat door... have been wanting to, and have not done this yet... but definite... will... as we want to keep cat... and h seems fine with that if smell can be better... makes it sound like my house is totally gross huh? well it is not, my h is just asking for some kind of perfection.. sad, because one thing I always loved aobut him is he was not overbearing or mean to me over housekeeping, etc... but now big issue... issue also being I work so much, and I have back issue hwich makes bending and bending, etc... very difficult...<p>anyhoo... as son was getting ready to go.. h came over to me... and started to actually put his arms around me... wow? well, he was actually the one dying for me... I was cool, aloof, and focused on him being with kids... and me doing my work.. no clinginess, etc... <p>thanks so much for the support... only issue is that now... my h is still having other women issues.. and still finding things wrong with me... <p>ow issues... he thinks other women just love him... he is attractive and sweet... but wait until they need a responsible man... he is fairly responsible when push comes to shove... but he has a few issues getting there... I now know just to let him fall and take care of me and the kids.... it is difficult when I want to push him to take care of us... what I have always done... helped him figure it out.. <p>anyway... it got a little steamy all his idea... and I was ok with it... that is after older son was dropped off and baby was napping.. he could not be held off... to do so would be lb... but ti was very difficult... being what I know about his recent activivities.. it really scares me... so I just hope and pray everything it ok, and that he is going to open up his eyes sooner than later...<p>I do think a big part of him finally coming here... was just that I do not come over there anymore... due to his police issues.. and just that , that place bugs the h out of me... <p>so anyway... glad he was on my turf... better I would say.... <p>thanks for readig.... all the details.. it turned out good... I was sad when h left.. with younger son for the night.. hoping for him to ask me over.. he did not... but has called around 5 + times this evening , of which Ianswered 2 calls... I think he wanted me to come over... later.. but too far of a drive and his bed hurts my back... too... anyhow... thanks so much guys... i do have to be hard to get and he will come to me... this is the way it was before and during marriage when it was good... clinginess is the total non o with this man.<p>I really appreciate all the encourage... I was scared to death of his visit... and it went perfecto... he will come again... as it went well... thanks!<p>hugs, honey

Honey, glad you didn't get tossed in the hoosegow. I envisioned the Houston swat team surrounding your house with bullhorns saying "honey, come out with your hands up!" after we didn't hear from you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What is his deal about the house? Is he just real picky or are you a slob like me? Have you let the house go downhill in all the chaos and depression? I sure did after my first H left me in 1999. I was too depressed to handle it. Now I just have a cleaning lady come in once a week to keep a crust from forming on my kitchen floor. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Can you get a cleaning lady to come in every other week?<p>Glad you are ok and happy you had a good day. It sounds like he is really considering coming back. Do you think he is?<p>Just a side note. The only times the police ever came to my house was when I lived in Houston back in the early 80's. I tried to shoot my first H and the Houston swat team came and surrounded my house! Get this, they didn't arrest me, though, they gave me a shooting lesson! I am not kidding!! hahaa

Hi Melody lane, and thanks... well I have a buddy who used to be on the swat team in austin... and maybe I can get a lesson from him... actually... I am concerned as my h and the ow have a gun... but not me... I am afraid of guns... one time my h accidently fired 2 hots through the roof of an apartment I had rented on another one of his down and out phases... when he just came back home.. he was up late at night cleaning the house...<p>i think issues with house are that I have lots of stuff... packrat type... and I save to o much, and I have serious back pain... I just took my vicodan today... I try not to take vicodan, but I need it... and I got down about house... and on my trip to groceries this am bought weed killer and other such stuff... as especially the yard is a mess today... we have a lot of weeds... -and that is issue plus three yr. .old... and that I am dead beat...when I get home... maybe if I work out more my back will gain strength.. it kills me and since I look normal except for weight gain... everyone thinks I am a thug... <p>thanks, thinking of going hiking today... kind of feeling a little upset about the steamy part of yesterday... it has h very interseeted.. is that all that men really want...

Honey !
Glad to hear things went so well. Good for you! Be strong and a little distant. I'm always told to play the Venutian. Easy for me when it feels like my H and I are on different planets- literally!<p> Wow you get so much contact with your H! I am so jealous! He called you 5 TIMES in one day?!!!
My h left me on Jan 1 st 2002, since THEN he has called me 6 times! See... even in your aweful situation, you still have it better than others in some respects! Everytime you get a call from him and think of me telling you, "look at the positive, HE called YOU!". I wish I got a call, 2 weeks since my last one.<p> Let him come to you. You are doing great!
Forgiver

Hi FOrgiver, you are so sweet and very awesome.. yes , I am grateful... myhusband just always treated me so much better than of late... and I want my h back.. not this monster imitating him... but I do know him very well... 17 yrs... really helps... and I can be patient..and I do think the end result will be us together again... but me working ever harder on the relationship than I have in a while... but he deserves it... and so do i... I just want him to do the same... I guess I am back in plan a... plan b does not work with my h... but plan a with distance... yes that is it... when I try to relationship talk... he takes steps back... he just told me ... he even takes days back... to his end decision which will be... should he come home or not? should he stay married or divorce... I know in my heart of hearts we belong together, but this is so hard... I must be strong...<p>thanks, H