Greetings everyone!<p> I usually post on JFO. My thread is Please Tell Me What To Say!! (Can someone tell me how to make one of those red links to my post?)<p> My H left for vet school last April and Started an EA 2 weeks after getting there. It turned PA in Sept. D-Day was Dec 31, 01. My H has been living with OW since Sept. I consented because I thought they were just friends and study partners. I had no idea. They are both in vet school in St. Kitts, the West Indies. Before the A, we both agreed that I would stay in the states, work and pay for everything to take care of our home and put him through school. (mortage, bills, student loans etc.)<p> Since D-day my H has e-mailed me 6 times and called me 4 or 5 times. He has put us in a modified Plan b. I am unable to contact him except through e-mail which he checks about once a month. He has never been negative to me in the e-mails or conversations. He said there's nothing I did or did not do to cause this. He says it's all him. He does not know why it happened except maybe he missed me and she reminded him of me. It kind of reminds me of the kid who is failing in school telling his parents he just can't do well because he's dumb. Easy way out.<p> It is a true FANTASY. Tropical island, no bills, bank puts money in your account, you don't have to work, you go to school to learn about something you absolutely love and are totally into, you have NO Responsibilities, surrounded by younger students who share your interests, your wonderful wife is in the states shouldering everything and she was fine with you living with another woman because she totally trusted and loved you. FANTASY!!<p> His last phone call he told me he was coming home at the end of April and wanted to take a semester off from school to work out our M. He is not sure what will happen. He says it is over with OW but it will not be fully over until he leaves the island. He loves me but he has feelings for her. He has never said he wanted a D and he has always said that he loves me and he is always thinking about me. Thanks alot. Lots of good that did/does.<p> It has been suggested that I set boundaries when he comes back. But how do I establish boundaries without him perceiving them as demands? And what boundaries should I start out with- how many?<p>
I think it was Worth A Try who suggested that love in a marriage after an A was conditional. Conditional on my H fully recovering from the A. And being sensitive to my needs and showing a sincere desire to meet them. Should I start out with those 2 or am I way off base? Do I suggest on Day 1 a No Contact letter or wait a few days/ weeks? I realize he will be very sensitive going through withdrawl the first 3 weeks of his return. Do I gradually bring up MB principles and counseling with Jen then during withdrawl or wait awhile?<p>
I do not want to bombard him but I know timing and how I say everything is so critical. I am not sure how hard H is willing to work on M. But taking a sememster off says alot- especially when he told me school is his top priority back on d-day. He says he is scared and unsure what will happen when he comes home. He fears I will be bringing this up constantly. I am not sure if he will actually come home even though Airlines have called to confirm him moving up flight to a sooner date. I'll believe it when I see it.
<p> After being well school in the MB principles of plan A my H has NO CLUE how lucky he is to get a second shot with me. I have some insight to both sides of the fence -somewhat- from what I've learned here. I have some ideas about what he will be feeling/ thinking/ reacting. I understand how I must respond and treat him in order to successfully rebuild. <p> Since doing Plan A... I LOVE WHAT I HAVE BECOME!! He will need to prove to me that he is willing to put 200% into us. The way I have. I backed off, didn't LB, didn't chase or badger, treated him respectfully and with love- I let him go and have been living exclusively for ME!!
Through our limited contact, I always maintained myself as a safe place to come back to if he ever decided he wanted to try. But I was clear that I am living for me.<p> Like I said I love who I have become and I know due to plan A I will be fine with or without him. If he does not hold up his end of the bargin someone else will benefit from a knockout MB graduate and he will always regret losing the best thing that ever happened to him! I now realize- He was lucky to get me in the first place! But to get a second shot- he won LOTTO! <p> For some reason, my insane Love Bank still has love for him and thus I still have hope and am not quite ready to move on. SO I need to prepare and I ask you for your wealth of knowledge. <p> Boundaries anyone?<p>Thanks,
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>The boundaries can and should be "only what you feel comfortable with".<p>Not the greatest advice or wisdom, but a starting point.

I'm not sure what boundaries you'll need. You will have to spend some time with him first assessing the situation. Relax. You've got time to enjoy each other first! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Perhaps the first task is to communicate openly with each other just exactly where you are right now. Once you have a better idea of where he is ... and he understands the liberating effect plan A has had on you and your self-confidence .... things should get interesting. Boundaries will be revealed once the two of you share openly. (Let's pray he is able to share openly)<p>Blessings,<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Wrestling and Pepper,<p> I am so scared. I do not know what I want except for my H to be in love with ME and want to work this out.<p> I keep thinking of the movie Pet semetary or better yet, edgar Allen Poe's The Monkey's Paw. I might have it mixed up but..
In the Poe story, an old couple gets a paw that will grant them three wishes. They first wish for money. The Army comes and tells them their son has died so they will get insurance money. So their second wish is for thier son to come home. Their dead son knocks on the door. They are so scared because they know something is wrong. As they open the door one of them makes the third wish and wishes the son away. SO no one is there when the door is open.<p> I feel like my dead H is coming home. I do not know what is coming home to me. Should I wish him away at the last second? I just want to do the right thing to make this go as smooth as possible.
I know i have to asses the situation and how he will be. It is just so hard to wait... as you al well know. Thanks again,
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver - ditto Pepper.<p>You have acquired a tremendous amount of knowledge about affairs. Hopefully, that includes recognition that time is on your side and you CANNOT be in a hurry. So, ditto Pepper again.<p>Are you working with Jen? If not, I highly recommend you get her or Steve's advice. It hard to tell much about what is really going on in his head, given the scarcity of your communication.<p>But about the boundaries. I think Jen or Steve would tell you that you can't make ANY demands any time soon, other than for your health. No sex without him being tested first. Anything else will push him away unless the St. Kitts trade winds have really blown the fog away. (BTW, it's not so breezy on the leeward side.)<p>Dave

Thanks WAT!
So my one stipulation will be Get tested. I already know he has a STD. I got treated and it went away. He said he would not seek treatment down there b/c he would prob. catch hep c or something worse.<p> He said he would get tested and treated when he came home... if he comes. 3 weeks and no news.<p> My imagination is killing me.... now I think she's prego thats why he's not calling. He said she didn't feel well. So he thought it was due to STD... that he said I may have given them by sleeping around for revenge!!!! What a wingnut! he said I inhaled the STD! My Dr. said he's nuts.<p>Could a second stipulation be no contact? How many days do I wait before I suggest these? on the first? Or will he high tail it back to the islands?<p> The wind blows everywhere on that dirty little rock! I WISH it would blow his fog away!<p>Forgiver

See my signature for the boundaries my wife and I set.

Forgiver - of course, I never made it this far, but I don't think you should breach "no contact" until he's further along. Given his defensive accusations to you - you passed along the STD - I'd say he's no where close to considering "no contact." Sorry, but it sounds as if you're still public enemy #1, the root of all evils, the fly in the ointment.<p>BUT - he sounds typical. Take some solace in that. Do not for one second conclude he knows what he's doing or what he wants. At least he admits to some of it.<p>And yes, I've been on that rock, and Nevis, too. Very seductive. Easy to escape a sense of reality. Intoxicating.<p>WAT