My H and I have been engaged in conversations since the discovery of his 5 month affair on 3-23-02. We talk every day. Many interesting things have come out of those discussions. If I believe what he says ( it's sounds twisted enough to be the truth), he feels a strong need to have sex outside the marriage. He says it gives him a sense of excitement, thrill, etc. that you can only get with being with someone new. His A was with old girlfriend...so what's new about that? Now, I'm not sure if that's all he's getting from it, a bit of ego gratification perhaps. <p> My H is very intelligent and patient. He knows me well enough that he's going to do whatever he has to ( translation : go to counseling, attend church,talk, account for his time,etc. )to regain my trust and then when he senses it's safe again .....try to step out again. He has a good chance of succeeding because he's out of work and has ample opportunity when I'm at work.My question is In the end, how do you know when someone has truly changed and is not "just playing the game" to get what they want?<p> He wants to be married to me, he was not/is not in love with girlfriend, so he says.I can't find any evidence of him being emotionally involved with her, so his "only for sex" excuse seems plausible. Maybe I'm asking this question because my trust level is at zero now, so I can't envision ever believing what he says. Is it just a matter of working at the trust and over time until it comes back?<p>Thanks for reading<p>Angel [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

My WH gave me the same line - he said his counselor told him he had a sexual addiction. <p>Personally, what he described and what you described doesn't really fit the profile.<p>If sounds like more of your WH wanting to have an excuse for his behavior. Like you can excuse having sex outside marriage. <p>I believe that if you and your H stuck to the MB principles then he wouldn't be looking or needing anything outside the marriage because his love bank would be full.<p>That's just my take 7 months and alot learned after D-day. K

Yeah,
That makes sense to me. It would be easier for him to try to come up with an excuse rather that fully examine what he has done, which I don't think has happened, by the way. Anyway, we have just begun learning about the MB principles, so maybe it's too early in the process to really evaluate. I guess I am hopeful because he is willing to read the literature I get from this website. Patience is in order, but it's soooo hard!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

If he's only had one affair, then he's probably using the "need" as an excuse for what he did. My husband, who has had multiple affairs, also used this excuse shortly after the most recent d-day (his actual wording was more along the lines of I wasn't woman enough for him and so he had to go outside the marriage to get the sexual gratification he needed). <p>While my husband was away (and being treated to Plan B by me), he seemed to have had some sort of ephipany. He now says that he knows I can be everything to him. He admits his affairs were all his fault -- he could have said no. He recognizes he has a problem and dealing with his unhappiness by having affairs is wrong and doesn't work. He's entered counseling and is actually excited -- he says at least now he is actively doing something to fix himself, instead of just giving it lip service.<p>He admits now that he used his belief that he couldn't get what he needed from me, emotionally or sexually, as an excuse. By excusing himself in this way, his behavior became somehow okay. My husband wants to be a good person and wants to believe that he is. He knows that cheating is wrong, though (in fact, according to him he has never cheated with a married woman, they were all single -- because cheating is wrong -- how messed up is that?), and so has to make the excuse and turn me into a monster in order to continue to believe that he is a good person.

Dedex,<p>I guess that's what's kinda scary to me now, is that my H is not telling me it was because I did'nt/could'nt give him what he needed. He's saying that he's perfectly satisfied with most aspects of our life, has not intention of leaving me for another woman ( no other woman would measure up) and he wants to work on our marriage. He's going with the theory that this is 'man' thing, that some men need more than one partner......how's that for a challenge? He does'nt think anything is worng with him, ....

I've seen so many posts here from men who are in the same position we are in. Definitely not a man thing. Are you seeing a marriage counselor? Six years ago, when this all started with my husband, we talked about seeing one, but never followed through. Maybe I would not be going through this again if we had.

angel, I am somewhat confused. Your H has essentially told you he is married to you for what you do for him, what benefits he gets....which translates essentially into he doesn't care about you at all, just what you add to his life...and further that the things he wants you can't provide, he feels justified in getting elsewhere. Why do you want to be married to him? You sound like a smart woman, you know he can play the game, and you know you can never really trust him....have you thought through why you want him back? This site has numerous spouses victimized by serial infidelity, such is life, many of the serial ws good at playing the game, but essentially narcissists...at least your H gave you notice, do you really think you can rehabilitate him into the mate you deserve? Not trying to be negative, just surprised at how unwilling people are to recognize the truth about the people they are married too...in your case, even more so cause of the position your H has revealed....In any event, good luck in your efforts, and make it clear infidelity is not acceptable, ask him to leave voluntarily if he cannot give you that, and require he follow the rules of extraordinary precautions if he is serious about recovery.

Sad-n-lonely,<p>Thank you for the slap in the face. I agree with you totally. I guess I was slipping into the fear of life without him. But you make some excellent points. If this is who he is, and what he wants, then why try to change him? We spoke about it at length again this evening and when I asked him why he thought we were doing all this work if he really felt this way and he told me because of our daughter. Classic manipulation. He knows her welfare is my sore spot, that it will devastate her to lose her Dad, and that I'd do anything in my power to protect her from hurt,so he plays his trump card. <p>Now for me, the work is going to be to convince myself that even though my daughter and I will hurt, in the long run, it's the right choice.
Pray for me.<p>Angel<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Dedex1,<p>We are seeing a MC, just began last week. We have an appointment tommorrow afternoon and he intends to bring this point up to the counselor. I can't wait to see what he says, if anything. I don't even know at this point that if I get him to admit this is entirely wrong thinking, if I would believe him anyway. He is so good at manipulating me. In my present state ( very emotional ), I can't trust what I think to be reasonable to really be so. Where do I go from here? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

angel,<p>Your thread sounds very much like something I've written in the past. My H had a 1 night PA just before we married and then a few EAs (possibly PAs) after we married. It's only been 2 years since we married and I recently asked him to move out.<p>Your H is very much like mine. He said it was all a game with these OW(men) and that he wants to be married to me. I was everything for him in our family and in bed (so he wouldn't have an excuse to stray).<p>I have found that my H is a "Love Addict". My H craves that new love feeling and it doesn't necessarily mean he's looking for sex. <p>He promised me after I discovered the PA before our wedding (just 2 weeks before) that it was a one time thing and it would never happen agian. Yet here we are 2 years later and many inappropriate female friendships later. <p>This is not what I want in my marriage and I don't think you want that sort of marriage either. I wish you the best in your couseling. Research Love Addiction and bring it up in counseling.<p>God Bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for your input Free,<p>I will research it. I had further conversations with my H early this morning on this subject and I can't help but feel/think he's grasping at straws.....I don't think he really knows why he did it. I told him I thought he was not very self aware and that I needed to get assurance that he would address whatever issues surfaced during counseling so that we could both be clear what needs of his were being met by this affair. If it is a "love addiction", at least we'll know and can move on from there. Thanks for your input.<p>Angel

angel,<p>I pray your H is open and honest with the counselor so you do know what you're dealing with. You should probably start asking yourself a few questions, too, so you'll be ready to decide what it is YOU want and need in your marriage. <p>Have you read any affair recovery books? Have you read the articles on this site?<p>If you'd like to email me, please feel free. MJDA0507@hotmail.com.<p>God Bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]