Hi,
I need help from experienced Plan A'ers. I did not understand what Plan A was when I was in the time period when it would have helped my marriage, so unfortunately I did not Plan A my husband or our marriage at that time. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm not sure if the kind of Plan A I need now is something that anyone here can help me with because it is not to save my marriage. It is so my husband will see and feel my love for him, in spite of our marriage not surviving, during what looks like will be the last of his life. <p>My husband could have a chance to recover from leukemia...but not if we are healing our marriage. He is drinking (not supposed to because of kidney disease and leukemia) because he says it is the length he has to go to in order to avoid dealing with my needs to heal from his emotional affair with a barmaid. He also said it is why he started smoking again. So I am letting our marriage go because he is either unwilling or unable to do what he needs to do to have the opportunity to recover from the leukemia (including taking his meds regularly and following dr's orders on other things) AND deal with the issues that are necessary for us to deal with to heal our marriage.<p>I am heartbroken about our marriage not surviving. But to heal our marriage means that he will not do what is necessary to have the chance to recover from his leukemia while still being the father he has started to be. That is too big a price to pay for him wanting a wife without being a husband.<p>So, I am asking experienced Plan A-er's to help me come up with an excellent Plan A, and evaluate me while I do it. My husband is going down his usual road and he will probably have more EA's, and quite possibly more PA's even if they are just one night stands, before he either recovers (not very likely right now) or he passes. I need your help to keep on my Plan A NO MATTER WHAT my husband is doing or not doing and especially when I am grieving the loss even though he is still alive.<p>Can anyone help me with this? Ask any questions you need to. The thing I need the most from experienced Plan-A'ers is honesty...no matter how harsh you think it sounds to me. I tried this on my own but without feedback on my actions I failed miserably. And now my husband is doing things that will make him die faster and take away the option of bone marrow transplant. I don't want to fail now because my husband cannot afford it and neither can our kids, especially my boys.<p>Thanks,
Nelle

Unfortunately, you can do nothing to get your H to survive a disease. If he is not doing what is needed, he, sadly, will suffer the consequences. He is making choices that are harmful to him. You can only respect him and let go. Being kind and respectful to him in spite of his choices is what any person deserves.<p>I am heartbroken about our marriage not surviving. But to heal our marriage means that he will not do what is necessary to have the chance to recover from his leukemia while still being the father he has started to be. That is too big a price to pay for him wanting a wife without being a husband<p>Not sure what you are saying here? If you try to heal the M, it will be too stressful for him with his illness? Sounds like his life is more stressful than anything recovery can do.<p>Plan A is working on yourself regardless what another person is doing. I suggest Alanon and the book Codependent No More by M. Beattie. You need to focus on what you can do to be loving and kind in spite of how someone is acting or whatever they are afflicted with.<p>God Bless
TW

OK Nelle, I'll try. Maybe you should tell us what you think Plan A is as well. To me, Plan A is Plan A is Plan A - it doesn't matter why you're doing it because you do it to yourself and not to someone else, but the results are for everyone in your life.<p>The premise of Plan A in general is that you cannot change others, you can only change yourself.<p>Specifically with affairs, a betrayed spouse cannot make a wayward spouse end an affair, but the betrayed spouse almost certainly had a role in creating the poor marital environment that permitted the affair to occur. With this is mind, very simply put, Plan A is a self evaluation, implementation of identified areas for improvement, demonstration of the improvement, and interaction with others in a non-judgemental, loving and giving way with the extra desired goal of meeting the emotional needs of spouses. For affairs, it's the betrayed spouse's preparation for working on the marriage - demonstrating to the wayward spouse that real change is possible - and in the very likely event the affair fizzles, the "welcome home" mat is in full view.<p>I don't see any difference for your situation. I think you would do Plan A exactly the same, whether it's to demonstrate your love to your H or in hopes of restoring your marriage.<p>Does this make sense?<p>I unfortunately have too much knowledge about what your H is going thru with his disease. Although not leukemia, my son fought cancer and went thru two BMTs. I know how hard it can be for a family. Your love is obvious to me, are you sure he doesn't see it?<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Thank you so much for responding. I guess I still don't get what exactly Plan A is. I thought it was taking care of myself while providing hubby's emotional needs (depositing love units), without looking for anything from him for myself. And, of course, no LBing. I LB without knowing that for him it is an LB.<p>Will I ever get these concepts? I've read them over and over...what's my problem?

Nelle, what part did you play in the state of the marriage prior to the A? To do a sucessful Plan A, and that does not always mean that your WS will return to the marriage, you must first look inside and determine what role you played in the breakdown of your relationship with your WS. Did you not meet certain ENs; did you LB? Determine what those things were and work on those to become a better you. The purpose of Plan A is to become a better you. <p>One side effect of Plan A may be that the WS looks at you and notices the changes that you are making in yourself and wants to be the beneficiary of those changes. But that is not guaranteed. <p>I hope this helped some.
Sinking

Perhaps, Nelle, you DO understand Plan A, but your implementation needs work if you find you're LB'ing without knowing it. Of course, you can't read his mind but you can note what things he reacts to, and change that behavior that causes bad reactions. Sadly, he may not communicate about all the LBs and some may seem to you that they shouldn't BE LBs, but he makes THAT decision. You need to try to communicate with him to get his input about what things you do that are LBs. With fog bound WSs, this can be nearly impossible because they're not necessarily using the same rational thought processes others are.<p>WAT

Nelle,
I posted on your thread on Recovery. Twyla really did a good job answering.

Thanks again for the responses. I'm feeling better about the possibility of a good Plan A being successful in what I want to do.<p>I don't know how to read replies and answer as I go yet, so I'm trying to remember the points you made that I want to respond to.<p>You're absolutely right that I need a LOT LOT LOT of work on the implementation--that's why, after all these months, I decided to post. I need feedback on where and how I am failing in the follow-through and what I should be doing instead. Also, I need to know what to do after I "blow it"--my apologizes or amends seems to be where I do a lot of LBing and even when I look back on it, I just can't see where or how it happened. I'm sure experienced MBers will be able to see it easily and advise me.<p>I think that I wasn't clear about what I am trying to do. I am not Plan A-ing to fix my marriage--staying in Plan A forever IS the kind of marriage my husband wants, but I don't. I am Plan A-ing so that my husband feels loved and has a good environment for doing what is necessary to have a chance to recover from leukemia or, more likely right now, so that he feels loved during the last of his life. I am not Plan A-ing because I think it will make my husband actually BE a husband--I am Plan A-ing so that while being loving and supportive to my husband I am taking care of myself by preparing for a future without him, whether that is because I am widowed because he passes from the leukemia or other health issues or because I file for divorce after he recovers and has been in remission for six months.<p>A little history: My husband decided that rather than lose me forever he would take the plunge and go after the marriage we always wanted and knew we could have, but for the six months before his diagnosis he went to great (and hurtful) lengths to avoid dealing with the EA issues. He committed to reading at the MB site for 10-20 minutes a day while he was off work all last summer--he did it about 5 times, usually so he could end the conversation when I asked him why he wasn't and told him why it was so important to me. He committed to dealing with the EA issues and reading at the MB site twice a week during the fall--I don't think he did it once. He works 14-20 hours a day from Nov thru Jan. He begged me to hang in there during this time because he didn't want to divorce and he really was going to deal with the EA issues after work slowed down in Jan. His diagnosis came a couple days before Christmas. In late Feb-early March, my husband needed the security of a lifetime marriage to me and committed to dealing with the EA issues and started to do that (even read at the MB site a time or two) and I made a lifetime commitment to our marriage based on that--we were even going to get rings. Well, no rings yet and no follow through yet either. In fact, he has started smoking and is drinking heavily again because, according to him, it is the length he has to go to in order to avoid dealing with the EA issues (EA was with a barmaid). He had a PA with someone else after 3 years of this EA and continued this EA during and after the PA ended (Sept 00-March 01). The EA has been "over" since sometime in the fall. We have dealt with the PA issues (he practically lived with her--an alcoholic/cocaine addict) but he will not deal with the EA issues. He claims it is no big deal and thinks it shouldn't be a big deal to me either and I should just get over it. It was during the first 3 years of the EA that our marriage was damaged almost beyond repair. To continue this marriage, I need us to deal with those issues. My husband needs to NOT deal with those issues--and it seems at any cost. That is why I know my marriage is over--whether by being widowed or by divorcing, it's only a matter of time.<p>I have learned a lot from looking at my part of the breakdown of the marriage during the first 3 years of the EA and need to apply those things now--to live the last months of our marriage, or my husband's life, lovingly and supportively.<p>I love my husband more than I could ever say--and I want my actions these next months to show that consistently especially when it is the hardest for me to do that. We have been married for 22 years--I am 41 and he is 43, we met at 15 and 17. I wish that healing our marriage was more important to my husband than avoiding the EA issues but I cannot change that--I can only accept it, for my sake, his sake, and our kids' sakes. And Plan A my butt off because I love him and always will.