Hi , lately I have been having the feeling that I am not sure that I want to stay in this M, even tho things seem to be going well and FWH is making great changes. I was reading old posts to get info on this and noticed one from lifeismessy about this very same problem. It was from last July. What I am wondering is now that its almost a year later, how do you now feel now? Were you able to resolve this for yourself? <p>I feel almost ridiculous to be having these feelings after all the suffering, plan a-ing and working so hard to get this R back on the right track. I could have saved myself all that effort if I'd felt like this from the beginning! <p>I do have some idea of what might be contributing to this for me. I have been alone since Jan.7 with our 4 kids and facing the difficult consequences relating to his behavior, both A's and his drug use. It has been very stressful. He has been in rehab since that date. We talk on the phone everyday (those phone bills!), he is undergoing great changes (having been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and working on that problem) and we have been communicating in honest ways that he never could before. We have seen each other during this time, me going to see him at family week for therapy, him coming home last week for extended leave last week. He will be home for good in three weeks.<p>However I think my love bank is pretty empty by now. Altho he sends cards with loving messages, is very open to talking about my fears, concerns, where he is going with his treatment, etc., I still am very much alone and of course don't trust him. I have alot of anger that is hiding inside and grief. D-day was 9-14-01, last contact w/ OW was within a week of him going to rehab in Jan. He asked her not to call anymore at that time, she has not. I believe him when he says he has not been in any contact w/ her.<p>So far so good, right? He seems to be doing the right things, so why am I questioning this? I would have jumped for joy if this had happened earlier on. Anyone else out there who has experienced this type of doubt, I'd love to hear back from you. How and why did htis resolve for you? How did it come about, both positive and negative? What helped, what hurt? Thanks, Carmen

Carmen,
I think what you are feeling now is a perfectly understandable and NORMAL reaction for someone who has to carry the load while he is gone. <p>Who is taking care of you?<p>While my circumstances were a little different..as a single mom with 3 kids, working 2 jobs, simply too overwhelmed to even think straight half the time, and then adding relationship recovery on top of it...mind and spirit blowing.<p>This is where you have to stop and give yourself a mini vacation.<p>Right now, there is not too much your H can do to meet your most important needs..which I'm going to assume is financial and domestic support. The honesty and affection is great..and I know you appreciate it..but right now you'd probably sell your soul for a genie to come in, fix dinner, run the vacumn, pay the bills, put the kids to bed so you could just get a hot bath and a good nights sleep. Sound about right?<p>OK, you're going to have to do some of that for yourself. Get a babysitter, go to dinner with a friend, a movie, a pedicure..just something for you. You'll have to tend to a few of your needs..could be as simple as a daily walk, to treating yourself to paper plates and cups for a week instead of dishes.<p>If you have family nearby ask them to take the kids for a weekend so you can have a break.<p>I went through a period of numbness when things started looking up too...it was right around the 6 month mark and I've read of others with the same timeline. The best advice I got was to put more effort into nuturing myself for a bit..realize that this stage passes. And it will.
Hang in there,
T

Hi Twyla,<p>thanks for the response, I wasn't sure if I'd get any, because I posted so late last night (just could not sleep, imagine that!)I think you are right, I definitely am not getting domestic support at this time, since its impossible, him being where he is. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In reading the old posts, I can see that this situation is not that unusual. In a large part, tho where I really begin to lose all hope is that now we both recognize his extensive problems (re personality disorder, family of origin issues that contribute, addiction history), and when I put it down on paper like this, its overwhelming! If we make it through somehow, it will really be God's doing. I know that people can overcome insurmountable difficulties, just not sure at all it will be us (or him). So that scares me and makes me wonder if it just wouldn't be better to just end it before I get so hurt again. That's my broken heart speaking. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have been taking better care of myself but sometimes thats hard to justify if it involves spending $$ that we are short of right now w/ no paycheck coming in. I appreciate your kind words, thanks. Carmen

Hi Carmen- I am now one year exactly past the date when H filed for D on me and then finally ended his A for the final time and went into a bout of emotional withdrawal. My H was a classic conflict avoider our 15 yrs of marriage until the last 5 yrs when he started being emotionally abusive to me and verbally blew up more often at me.I would cry and withdraw and that led to MORE of the same!!!! During his A I pointed out how he had alot of pent up anger toward me and resentments over the years that had built a big wall between us. He didnt even SEE that that was the case. My H has always had trouble expressing his feelings to me which has really made our recovery process longer and more difficult. I also get mad at myself for taking him BACK because when we first married I said I would never do it. Now 15 yrs and 3 kids later life is not so black and white but I still have days I doubt that I should take him back.Yet I keep trying because I never planned to have 3 kids and then bring them up in a single parent home- that was NEVER in my plans!!!! The past year H has 'talked the talk' about improving our relationship but it doesnt seem he has 'walked the walk." This past wkend we attended a Christian marriage conference together in our town called the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember. ( a friend got me a reduced price admission for this to make it more affordable)It was amazing how much valuable information they shared with us in one wkend's time.They talked about what HELPS a marriage and what HURTS it. And gave lots of specific info in a huge workbook we filled out that tells exactly how to achieve all this. Kind of like Blueprints for a good marriage. We spent one night staying over in a hotel there and had friends from church watch our 3 kids that night. I now have some renewed hope that H will finally "Get it" and participate fully and try to meet my emotional needs. Because the sad fact is - no one can make their marriage get better without long term help and commitment from both sides. Is your H capable of this when he comes home from rehab? Only time will tell. One bit of advice though- dont try to fix ALL the problems ALL at once. I tend to bite off too much - thats what I have learned in therapy recently. Take care- lifeismessy

thanks lifeismessy for responding to my post. At this point I believe my H is very willing. We have been in MC before he left, also had MC over the phone while he is away, we will continue MC upon his return. He will also attend AA meetings. He has had long term sobriety (10 years) before this relapse. He also attended/will attend IC for himself, me too. Thats practically where our whole budget goes! <p>Long term? Who knows. Thats where my doubts come into play. Its almost as if I think that I would be wasting my time staying if in the end he ends up straying again. So some days I feel like it would be better to just get it over with before I'm too old. On the other hand, being a single mom to 4 kids would be extremely hard, I know. I have friends who live that life now and I don't wish to join them. So here I am feeling stuck at the moment. <p>I guess theres no guarentee of anything, even of being alive tomorrow. I know that the right thing to do right now is stay, work hard and get my children raised into happy, healthy adults. I have a ways to go. And who knows, things may work out while I am doing that! Thanks again. Carmen