Marriage Builders,
I'm trying to find information on how to treat sexual addiction in the form of pornography, mb, and specifically cross dressing. My husband has been involved in this for years and the time has come for it to end or our marriage won't be able to last much longer. There are four children in our home who as far as I know are unaware of this problem. He thinks they'll never know, but I believe they will eventually figure it out and they deserve to live in a home that is free of these undesirable influences (and so do I!) The porn/mb occurs usually in the early morning hours or behind closed bathroom doors, the cross dressing happens late at night and is so far limited to the bedroom. He does this in front of me and enjoys it although he can see how upset I am about it. Counselling is out of the question, I have suggested counselling and he refuses, saying it is only me who is overly concerned about his private behaviors, and that if I weren't so boring, he wouldn't "have to" do this other stuff. Financial problems are beginning to work their way in too, as this habit of his very expensive. I desperately want our marriage to work. I think he still loves me, and I know he loves our children, but he doesn't want to change this behavior. ANY experience or advice would be helpful. Thanks.

Don't really have any advice or experience with CD, but bumping you up for more visibility and hopefully responses.<p>God Bless,
Jo

When did you first become aware of the crossdressing and the porn?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Two words:
PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING!<p>For you, if not for him. While I don't have any first hand experience with this, a dear friend of mine went through this with her xh. He is a doctor, very well respected and loaded, and he had this fetish. She walked in with him in a very compromising position (having to do with high heels, a string of pearls and a stairmaster) and he was FURIOUS at her for not knocking on a closed door. Made it all about her (sounds like how your h is telling you that you are too boring, so what choice does he have?). He told her that this was just something he was going to do, she didn't have to like it, but she was not changing it. He didn't give a rat's butt about her or their marriage and they divorced. <p>He has now married again, (another unsuspecting person) and I am sure is continuing his "closet" behavior. <p>Get counseling. Whatever you decide you will need it.

(editorial note: I have never cross-dressed but would not be opposed to it within the bounds of my marriage in an intimate setting.)<p>I will offer a bit of a contrary opinion.<p>There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing. Honestly.<p>The problem comes when it becomes an addiction or when it is the only means by which your H can become aroused.<p>There are many reasons for CD besides homosexual tendancies. Many men do it as a desire to feel closer to women. Many men simply like the feel of women's clothing.<p>Additionally, you don't even have to understand why he enjoys it, neither does he, again, as long as it is not an addiction. Most men cannot tell you why we like women's breasts. I certainly have no idea why I like them so much - perhaps because I don't have any.<p>If cost is an issue, he should certainly be considerate in his expenditures. Use the POJA to set spending limits on personal expenditures.<p>If he is doing the CD daily or with too much frequency, perhaps he indeed is addicted. My recommendation.<p>If you think it actually is not an addiction but instead a fetish, I would recommend you find a way to enjoy the fetish with him within the bounds of your marriage. Perhaps it is a fantasy of his to make love to you while dressed that way. You really wont know until you discuss this with him in detail.<p>The key I think both of you are missing is communication. The two of you need to discuss this. What enjoyment does he get from it? Could you provide the same enjoyment? If so, are you willing to do so? If not, why? etc.<p>Counseling is not necessary unless it is an addiction. If he will not go, you should go yourself. If nothing else, a counselor will help you to deal with his addiction.<p>On a side note, there was a good little article in a recent issue of Cosmo (a reader inquiry and response) that dealt with much the same thing and also one on a foot fetish.

I am sorry but I dont Know what cross dressing is?

cross dressing is when you wear the clothing of another gender. Men in drag is how this is most typically seen but it can also be men wearing women's underwear or make-up, or women wearing men's clothing such as boxers or his white, button down shirt. In our (US) society, it is much more acceptable for women to dress almost entirely like a man. Many men, including me, find it exciting to have their spouse dress up in their spouse's clothing. Some men find it enjoyable to do the same.

ok, I'll show my 'bumpkin'...what is 'mb'? Would that be the Rosy Palm thing??

Did - that was my assumption.