quick history - d-day - 3 months ago. 23 month old toddler and 3 1/2 month old baby. H (38) having A with assistant (23) and still lying to me.<p>I must be crazy. Anyone who puts themselves through this kind of hell needs help. Friday night he called and said he was going to go workout I said no, he said too bad and went anyways. I called the gym - they were there together and he told the recept. not to page him at all. I told her to page him anyways - screaming of course and told I'll be there in 45 min. to pick you up. I should have gone into the change room because she was in there. (e-mail) never got the chance. <p>I tapped the phone. Talk about pain. I heard him tell her how much he loves, misses, thinks about her in the same voice and tones HE USES WITH ME. They talk about me - of course, I am more than devasted.<p>I don't recommmend the phone thing. This hurts SO BAD.<p>He now doesnt want to see the marriage counsellor anymore (saying it's too expensive) and he'll see his own "shrink" but never makes the appt. He drinks more and he blames it on me (love that one).<p>he has obviously told her (e-mail) he's only here to the end of the month (don't know if this is true or not) and I know for a fact they had sex on Friday.<p>I know what your question is "WHY IS HE STILL LIVING HERE?" good question, I don't really know.<p>I need to get my legal stuff going and when he's out he runs up debt like it's unbelievable, because I am a wreck I need the extra help with the kids and I LIKE THE FACT THAT IT PISSES HER OFF. <p>I feel like such a loser for believing him all this time. Him telling me "he's trying to end it - it's hard".<p>It's obviously he wants her and not his family, we had our baby baptized yesterday and he looked like he was in outerspace rather than church. He doesn't want the responsibily of family. He said so himself yesterday "I don't know how you do it, these kids get on my nerves". Isn't that nice.<p>I know I am married to the biggest ******* on the face of the earth, but I feel shellshocked, almost afraid to move, I am so, so hurt, I can't stop crying and he does nothing to console me but ignore me.<p>I should have left him out there because by bringing him home I have only damaged myself. I haven't mentioned the things I know to him, the only thing I have said is I just know he is lying.<p>It hurts so much to know your family will exist no more, these little babies will not have their father, because I am not the kind of woman that will live with him while he runs around on me. I can't do it. I think he thinks i will and that's why he continues to walk all over me, and I also think he has no intention of leaving, because he has the best of both worlds.<p>I have to muster up the strength to kick him out again - but I am so tired all the time now and so depressed.<p>Advise - please.

I am really sorry for what H is putting you through. You do not deserve it and it is not your fault no matter what he says. My W says the same things, all the WS do. I know it does not make it any easier to take because the persecution is real and it hurts, but it is not your fault!<p>Have you read Love must be Tough by Dobson?<p>You have a lot of leverage here, no matter what you feel. I know you do not want to hear this but he may need to try and fail at his fantasy life before he is able to give it up. Read this book. IT will help you to let him know what you want and to set limits of what you will put up with and the consequences. You do not have to be the victim.<p>By the way, how do you tap a phone?<p>John

H&S,<p>How sad that you have to live with this. The first thing I would advise is that you try and calm yourself down immediately! Your only hope of resolving this situation is to be sane and rational. I know it's real hard not react when your life is being destroyed, but you can help yourself more if you calm down, read some stuff, talk to people here, and lay out your plan. <p>Right now you are only exasperating the situation by lovebusting your WS [not that he doesn't deserve it!]. Maybe he will come to his senses eventually, but you need to work on yourself and also quit giving him reasons to run from you.<p>I would suggest starting on this thread for newcomers:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016810<p>Read this and come back and talk to us. Just know that most of us have been in the same boat and will help you through this.

Try not to react to all of his antics... focus on your beautiful children right now and YOu... if he stays home for now... it may be better... but that is me speaking because my h left almost 7 months ago and is still gone... but guess what his A is OVEr and he cannot stand the OW and is glad it is OVER... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] WOW! It can be done... isn't that great... ??? It can end...part of it ending was my Plan A efforts and natural death, exposure to daylight etc.<p>ANyway, I know your pain..I have had issues with my H over the kids... all throughout our marriage... last night on lifetime I watched runaway dad... and it was right on the money... they love you and having a woman take care of them... but are no good at daddy.... it probably has a lot to do with how he was raised etc... and his ego, etc... let me guess is he good looking and self centered? he used to treat you like the love of his life... ? of cours.e... you married him...<p>he is looking for REASONS to blame you for what he is dfoing... I repeat... he is looking for REASONS to say this is YOUR FAULT>.. andhe left... because of you...<p>do not NAG.... do not complain GET INTO PLAN A... read about it on this site... and post about your probles... and anxities... etc.. do not talk to him... the problems.. your feeling bad... etc.. just make him angry... because he knows it is his fault... but he wants to say... see look at you, you whining ugly insecure.. woman with these kids... look what you got me into... I want to have fun! Sounds like a teenager right... not a grown man... Believe me I know... the crying, clinginess.. demands, etc.. willonly make him run... do not chase him down... do not go to the health club... etc.. it only makes it worse....I would say go tot the club by your self or bring kids to childcarel... and make yuourself beautiful.. that may be one of h's emot. needs.. my h needs attractive wife... and I fell short of that for a while... but I am working on being a beauty queen again... sad... but he has told me how much he needs a beaut. wife...<p>I know what a toll children take... I have 2 boys... thank goodness they are getting bigger... but men just do not understand.. and they get us pregnant for christ sake and these are their children... like we wanted to raise them alone. <p>please go out or order from half.com etc... surviving an affair and his needs, her needds... make your self comfy here and come here often to vent and learn a good plan a... believe it or not you can save your marriage... <p>I am thinking of and praying for you. hugs sweetie... I know you don't know me, but I know the situation... where are you located.. I am in houston.... tx... anyway... take care of you.. in the beginning I was tracking my hdown... etc.. but a lot of times... you can;t even do that when you have the babies.. .they have the freedowm and you are stuck with these darling children and your h does not even see what he is doing... <p>I am here... and so are much more experienced peorple... I am in the throws of it, and still go through ups and downs... my h now says... he will come home... if I am less emotional , etc... I have to be.... or I will lose my family.... you can deo this too... this is a temporary situation and the way you react all by yourself can save your family..you can amaze your h with your love for him while he does the most awful things to you... lvoe him while he is unloveable... yes... like a rebellious teen... he is sick right now... treat him like that... a cancer victim... <p>You are not crzy you have alot to lose... and saving your family is perfectly ok...you have come to a good place.. I believe you can save your family and by believeing it you can do it...<p>hugs again, LISA [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I have been following your story, and I know you were doing so well when he was out the first time, I can't believe he ran up so much debt in one month. He sounds like a spoiled brat!! <p>I know she has a fiance/boyfriend, does he know about what is going on? <p>I honestly don't know what to tell you to do... no one should be treated this way. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))<p>I too have a little baby - 6 weeks old and a WH - we'll be divorced at the end of the month - D-day was 8/24/01.<p>After everything I've been through, this is what I would do in your situation.<p>First, make sure you have a good support system - family, friends, priest/minister, church groups, counselor, or other support groups.<p>If you're listening to his phone conversations, I hope you're taping them - you can buy a tape recorder that tapes when someone picks up the phone. You may need it for evidence.<p>I would also make sure that you have knowledge of your finances, and if you think he's leaving, start squirreling away some money. You definitely need to get some type of separation of the finances legally if he's running up debt.<p>Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley. It may help understand what is going on.<p>Now know that while he is in A, he won't be accepting of any live units, so you need to decide if you are going to Plan A for a while before you Plan B. It all depends upon what you can handle.<p>The purpose of Plan A is to let the WS know that the problems that they see in the marriage are gone, so that when the A dies, they can feel same returning to the marriage. Then when you feel sure that the WH has seen changes, and the A continues then it's time for Plan B. <p>I just read "Affair" by Emily Brown and it describes 5 types of affairs and one talks about why the WH stays in the marriage and stays with the affair - it's called the split self affair. They have lots of issues - but they will continue to have their cake and eat it too until you do something about it. There is also a companion book to that one by Emily Brown that is basically the cheat sheet for therapists - it tells the therapists how to treat this type of affair. Good read. Helps explain why they are doing what they are doing and if there is any chance to save marraige. Basically, WH needs to work on themselves - they are not in touch with their emotions - trying to run away from reality, their life - sound familiar. <p>It sounds like your H is a little overwhelmed with the kids. With your children so close in age, it's like having twins, and that is hard for alot of people to take. Maybe you can have someone he knows and trusts talk to him about how to deal with the kids. They won't stay young forever, maybe someone can point out the good points of their ages. <p>I know this is terribly hard for you. Trying to raise two young kids on your own and faced with your H acting this way. Try to be patient. Try to do a Plan A, but protect yourself.<p>Don't underestimate the power of prayer during this time, and get some help if you can so that you can take care of yourself. <p>Take it one day at a time right now, even one minute at a time if you have to.<p>Work on being the best mom you can and may God Bless You and Your family. <p>K

Hi Hopeful,<p>I could have written your post 1+ years ago. I know what a terrible time you're having, Hon. And I'm very sorry for all the pain. <p>Whether you kick his azz out again or not, you need to stop LBing, Hon. This A he's having will more than likely end on it's own merit (a fantasy based on lies and deceit), and when your H looks up and around for the first time out of the FOG, he'll remember your LBing and won't feel safe about coming home. <p>I know it's alot to ask, I had to do it too. And I LB'd my fair share. I kept coming here for reinforcement and support. That's what you should do too. Every time you feel like LBing, bit your lip and save it for the board. We'll listen and we truly understand the agony you're experiencing.<p>Please take care of yourself and your precious children. Please show your H you are better than all this crap. That you can rise above it and are strong. Once the A dies it natural death, he will appreciate you continued to believe in him and the marriage.<p>Prayers and hugs.<p>Love,
Jo

what is LBing?<p>I don't plan on weathering the storm. The next time I kick him out will be it for us. I just have to get the strength to do it.<p>I have too much respect to keep a man like this. He had the nerve to say on Sunday "the kids get on my nerves". He needs help and it's up to him to get it. Not me. HIM.<p>I can't do this anymore. He's destroying me.

Hi again Hopeful<p>LB = Love Busting<p>Love Busting Examples = Angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, educating your WS, etc.

HE WONT' LEAVE - NOW WHAT?<p>AND IS HE WITHIN HIS LEGAL RIGHTS. HE'S GOING TO DRIVE ME NUTS!