my problems with trust started probably before we were married 15+ years ago. Won't go into details but counselor said I would never believe it until I actually saw them doing it. Have found many questionable things, heard things etc, but it is always denied and has never been just one person. He hs his own office, employees , patients, sales reps. Don't think he gets into anything for the long haul. Have reached the point where it really no longer matters. Have realized after the death of my parents that I need to get a life and not just be the marriage detective. It is not a rewarding job. I guess I just need validation that this last occurrence is not totally weird just in my opinion. My youngest child is 16 and my daughter was teasing her father that he had a kiddie cup from one of the fast food restaurants. He got tongue tied then said he got a kids meal just because he wanted to. Even washed it and put it in the cupboard. I have not said a word because he will just tell me how paranoid I am. Oh well just needed an opnion. Moving on somehow but it is scarey and hard and I know I will never leave him. Thanks for reading this.

YOu poor dear,.,- I am so sorry... I will ck on you later.. I too am having rough am... and on my way to alanon meeting,... as my h is an alcoholic... maybe a chronic cheater and liar too... hard to break up a family , esp. when you love your h, just want an honest man who is devoted... hugs to you, h

Hi Sheila,<p>I am sorry for your pain. I think you are absolutely right, however; you cannot spend your life being a marriage detective. It is no fun at all having to wonder what your husband is up to. I think what it comes down to is what my IC told me, you have to draw the line of what you can and cannot live with. You said you knew you would never leave your husband. I feel the same way about mine. And even though I have snippets of proof here and there about things he has done and/or is continuing to do, I know there are certain things I cannot tolerate. At some point, it would get bad enough for me to leave him, despite the high cost (and I don't mean financially).<p>So you have to decide what you can live with. And what you need. Only then, when you understand your own needs, can you go to the table and begin to communicate those needs with your husband. Fidelity, honesty, trust.<p>Well, those are just my thoughts. I do hope things go better for you.<p>Take care.

Sheila<p>I am the BS. I had bits and peices of the puzzle too and never could divorce my XH because I felt that I had to witness the affair with my own eyes. It wasn't until I caught him a lie and knew that he was with another woman, just drinking a beer with her as he claimed, that I knew he was cheating on me and I had had enough. (Come to find out she was #7 OW) I will not kid you: the divorce was tough on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. There were days that I just wanted to call the whole thing off and beg him back home. But I knew that I could not ever trust him again and that became the bottom line. Since my divorce (1.5 years) I am finally at a place where I know that I did the right thing. I no longer have that worry in my life. It feels so good not to have to check up on my spouse. <p>I don't know what to tell you except this: do figure out what you can tolerate and not tolerate. If you know in your gut that he is cheating then he is. I never listened to my gut but I do now. If you decide that you want to stay married to this man then you also have to quit being a marriage detective and live with the affairs. Try to get you husband into counseling because he is in a fantasy land right now and can't really separate reality from fantasy. If you decide that you can't tolerate the affairs and he is unwilling to seek counseling admit to the affairs, and stop the affairs, you don't need to stay in this marriage. The worry, guilt, pain, and anxiety will destroy you. Ask God for His guidance but be prepared to listen to Him in your heart and take His guidance.<p>Finding_peace

Sheila<p>I am the BS. I had bits and peices of the puzzle too and never could divorce my XH because I felt that I had to witness the affair with my own eyes. It wasn't until I caught him a lie and knew that he was with another woman, just drinking a beer with her as he claimed, that I knew he was cheating on me and I had had enough. (Come to find out she was #7 OW) I will not kid you: the divorce was tough on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. There were days that I just wanted to call the whole thing off and beg him back home. But I knew that I could not ever trust him again and that became the bottom line. Since my divorce (1.5 years) I am finally at a place where I know that I did the right thing. I no longer have that worry in my life. It feels so good not to have to check up on my spouse. <p>I don't know what to tell you except this: do figure out what you can tolerate and not tolerate. If you know in your gut that he is cheating then he is. I never listened to my gut but I do now. If you decide that you want to stay married to this man then you also have to quit being a marriage detective and live with the affairs. Try to get you husband into counseling because he is in a fantasy land right now and can't really separate reality from fantasy. If you decide that you can't tolerate the affairs and he is unwilling to seek counseling admit to the affairs, and stop the affairs, you don't need to stay in this marriage. The worry, guilt, pain, and anxiety will destroy you. Ask God for His guidance but be prepared to listen to Him in your heart and take His guidance.<p>Finding_peace

Thanks for all the advice and support. Isn't it "funny" to think if these things were happening to our daughters, sister etc. we would not stand for it and what we would tell them.

Honestly, I would have a difficult time accepting the kiddie cup response.<p>I don't want to advise you to do anything that will mean the loss of your marriage but I would ask you to consider how important is it that you know the truth. How far are you willing to go? How much are you willing to risk to know the truth?<p>You need to answer these questions for yourself; and then accept your answer. If you answer is that you would be willing to do and risk anything (including your marriage) then you have a number of options from software, to PI's, to semem test kits, etc. If you are not willing to take such risks to confirm or disprove your thoughts then you need to accept your boundaries and stop obsessing over it. This issue is unresolved for you because you have yet to pick a course of action that you are willing to accept. Doing nothing is a course of action as well.<p>Think long and hard about what you want to do; then accept your actions (and the consequences of such). Best of luck to you in this soul searching.

Shelia,
Married to a doctor too? It seems that there are so many of us here. I am just begining to feel like you do /did. I am now a full fledged Marriage detective. I hate it, it is so not me.
But he lied so easly about his "friendship" with a nurse. He was stupid, put a phone call on our charge card [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . Now I am obsessed, I want to find anything but have not. he seems to be telling the truth, BUT I am driving myself nuts, and I am getting depressed. I have never felt like this. I dont want to be writing the same note 10 years from now. How do you stop?.
I thought about counceling, but after my first appt (counselor said I sould leave, if I dont trust him). I am not ready to give up on us, we took along time to be together (that is why I was "so crushed"). Any advice on how to stop would be appreciated. So sorry to hear about your parents. Best wishes

So crushed - it takes some people 4 and 5 tries to find a good counselor. Don't let one bad one keep you from seeking out others. They are very helpful and can be worth every penny.