I think the devil is just playing with my mind. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] The sermon in church yesterday morning was on "covetousness." Sure, I covet some of the material things others have, but lately I find myself coveting the experiences of others, including my FWS and even my D, who at age 17 has experienced some things I never have and probably never will. And she still has her whole life ahead of her. <p>Our pastor even went so far as to say that we should thank God for those things that other people have that we sometimes want. Does that mean that I should thank Him that H had 2 A's? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe his having these rewarding experiences is going to enrich my life somehow? Or maybe I should just be happy for him, that he has had the opportunity to grow and learn? <p>For WSs: Do you think your experience has made you a more well-rounded person or enriched your life in any way? Not just the sexual aspect, but the feelings of being "in love" more than once, the excitement, anything? I know I have definitely grown from my personal recovery, but I know that I have led a very limited, naive, sheltered existence. Is it possible to lead a full, rewarding life when all you have ever done is raise kids, go to work, go to church, do laundry, cook, clean house....?<p>For small town dwellers: What are some things you have done to "get a life," without hurting someone else in the process? <p>I know this is just some sort of MLC and that I am opening a big can of worms with these questions and doubts. But I look back at my 40 years and think "Big deal."<p>Am I the only one who has ever thought this way?<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Persevering ]</p>

Persevering,
I'm a WH and I think that there are many lessons to be learned from these experiences.No, many aren't good in light of how it happened, but I think somehow we learn more about ourselves and our mates. I hear many stories of marriages that are much better than before because it has forced the couple to communicate and see each other differently maybe. If you follow MB's you find out what your partners needs are and you may have never really known earlier. I sure wouldn't advocate improving ourselves or our M's in this fashion but sadly it sometimes may be the only way.
Brw

Thanks for sharing your perspective, brw. I don't think I can say that our M is better--in any way--as a result of the A's. Yes, we have learned more about each other, maybe don't take each other for granted as much. <p>In our case, this was definitely not the only way that could have been achieved. If anything, it has made it more difficult to meet each others' needs, for me anyway. Part of me has literally died. And it is hard to look at H with the same admiration and respect I once had, although I try to tell myself that he just made a very human mistake and is trying to make it right now. <p>I just don't want to keep having these life-changing experiences through H and my children. I want to be able to look back and say (hopefully with pride), "Yes, I did that." I can honestly say that the most fun and excitement I have had in recent years is when I try a new recipe. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] And with one finicky D and one bulimic D, even that doesn't happen very often. <p>There has got to be more to it than this. I had already been thinking about this alot, then Pepperband's post and yesterday's sermon added fuel to the fire. It is just hard to be truly thankful for everything the past couple of years brought my way. <p>Maybe the best thing to do is just keep on keeping on. Not much I can do about my situation anyway.<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Persevering ]</p>

persevering,
I know one thing I do that sounds similar to what you are feeling, I focus on one thing that seems like it would "solve" everything. Even if logically it doesn't sound like it would solve anything. I spent the 21+ months of our separations thinking lying on a white sand beach with a good looking guy and a maragrita would pretty much take care of all my troubles.<p>I had 2 opportunites to go with other men to 1) carribean 2) Belize 3) Argentina 4) New Mexico hiking, camping to the hot springs. Well of course I couldn't bug out on my kids & go. Duh. Never even mind the marriage in tatters, finances & the questionable nature of the guys involved.<p>When H & I reconciled, we went to Mexico, re-exchanged our rings on the beach. It was great. Was it my dream? Well, it was longer than my dream dwelt on in moments. And nice. Fun. Exciting. Exotic. It was a vacation with my gorgeous H on a beach, definitely had the maragitas.<p>But though I love to travel, I don't have the opportunity often. My identity is not "traveler". I even think I might like planning a vacation better than the actual disappointing car/airport time.<p>I think it is the people who as you describe who raise kids, go to church, volunteer, cook, clean, caretake that are the ones who do have fulfilling lives.<p>The guy who invited me to # 2,3,4 has been everywhere I'd want to go, and is still traveling. Bailed on (his words) wife #1 and kids. Had another short marriage after I knew him. All he wanted in the world was "another" (er, call it soulmate for those of you who don't yak on the word). A woman to be with, with whom he could work, cook, eat with, & live.<p>And, that's what I learned from him. Sometimes even those who seemingly have it all, are really missing something too. They don't even have it when they have it. I presume that's why Michael Jackson has surgically become an alien now.<p>So...Is there a way for you to indulge your "covetousness"? A vacation? An experience (I don't recommend the OM thing, as you probably know). You might just need a taste to make you recall how wonderful and "Just right" your life is for you. I find a good vacation & a couple little weekends a year do it for me. A balance between camping & luxury, but more camping really.<p>What is it you want that is more than what you have? Is it possible? Is it within your control? Is it something you can do a piece of now? Is it something that will be doable after the kids are leaving the house? That you can plan for, prepare for now?

Perservering<p>I, too, am a WS. I definately wouldn't say that having an A is a good thing. Yes, I have learned many things about myself and my M but all those things have come after the A was over. I did get something out of the A but it was fleeting. It was only for the moment. And the price I, my H, and those around us has paid for that was not worth what I received. The price was far too high. Unfortuately, I didn't think about the price everyone was going to have to pay at the time I was involved in the A.<p>Having grown up in a very small town, I can some what identify with your persective of "not having a life". I grew up in a town where we had to drive 30 minutes just to get groceries. It can be tough. Is there a college near by? How about a parks and recreation department? Both of these offer classes of various sorts. If you can, try taking a class or two. Find a new hobbie. You never know what a hobbie could develop into.<p>Good Luck and don't lose hope. I know that is hard sometimes. Just work on improving yourself. <p>Regretting

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>Sometimes even those who seemingly have it all, are really missing something too. They don't even have it when they have it. I presume that's why Michael Jackson has surgically become an alien now.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I sure don't want to end up like him. You are so right, Lor. I know that even those who seemingly have it all are still searching for whatever "it" is. <p>But who needs adventure or excitement, anyway? I've got grocery shopping to do! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (I know--maybe I should try shopping on Mondays instead of Fridays. Ooooh! I'm getting excited just thinking about it!)<p>Sometimes I would just like to forget, even temporarily, about being a responsible adult, and just go do something, anything. But I'm too practical. For example, I can't even think of something wild and impetuous to do, much less carry it out. I guess I'll continue to "live" through H and our girls....

Perservering:
Interesting....."small town" - Sermon on "Covetousness" - Hmmmm, I wonder if we are IN the same small town?!?!?! Going to the same church?!?!?!<p>Seriously, I think the "Covetousness" being spoken about here is the fact that others seem to "have it all together" and your life seems to be in tatters at this point. Yes, WHY covet that?!?!<p>As far as coveting my WH's experiences?!?! NO WAY!!! He has NO IDEA what is awaiting him around the next corner. I do, though, if God's Word is true, and I believe every Word of it.<p>What I am thankful about in this whole UGLY mess is the way it brought me back to God. I have a much, MUCH deeper relationship with Him than I have ever had, and will NEVER let that slip away again! I realize a lot of our problems were brought on by NOT being close to Him, and guarding ourselves against any "invaders." Foreign or domestic. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have heard some interesting "Takes" on this quote from your pastor. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Our pastor even went so far as to say that we should thank God for those things that other people have that we sometimes want.<hr></blockquote>
I think he was talking about "blessing" others with what WE would like to be blessed with. We had guest artists in our church a few months ago, and I KNOW THEY WERE SENT BY GOD to minister to ME!!! They were a (semi-)famous pianist and his wife. They have a web-site and tell their story on it: http://www.lornematthews.com/marriagerest.htm They went through this kind of separation as many of us now involved in, 20 years ago, and recovered their marriage, so it ministered to me in a BIG way!!!
The wife, Jimmie Ruth, said something in her talk to us that struck something in me.....she said that she was "moved by God" to begin praying for OW......praying BLESSINGS on her. So she tried....and she asked God what KIND of blessings?!?!?!?!?!? Basically, she came to the conclusion that God wanted her to pray blessings that SHE HERSELF would like to have.....Like a new dress, or hair done or something like that. SHe said that after awhile, it made sense that she wasn't angry, didn't HATE HER anymore when she began to see that she was just a woman, who probably liked the same kinds of things that she, Jimmie Ruth did, too! It made sense to me. I am still having a hard time praying for our OW, other than to pray, "Lord, I KNOW she's a desperate, lonely woamn who just wants a man to love her, but Lord? SHE CAN'T HAVE MY HUSBAND!!!"<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>For small town dwellers: What are some things you have done to "get a life," without hurting someone else in the process?<hr></blockquote>
As far as answering this question....I find for myself, I am having a FAR "fuller" life with Jesus, than I ever had trying to chase "happiness" in the world before all this JUNK started....and I thought my happiness was tied in to how much STUFF I acquired. As for WH? Well, that's up to him.....he's still "out there" chasing his happiness w/ow's $, and I wish him well. He's got to arrive at his OWN conclusions, too. <p>But the "journey" to these conclusions was hard-fought. AND they are only my .02 FWIW<p>God Bless,

Hi, Regretting. I did go back to school several years ago, got a degree, became a CPA, and now work full time. But to me, it's just a job rather than a "career." And it seems that even hobbies require $, which is in short supply with D going to college.<p>I know I just need to change my mindset. Look for the good, lovely, and praiseworthy things around me (maybe even in me). <p>Do you really think the price of the A was too high for what you gained from it? Not that I'm thinking of doing that. I just feel completely naive and sheltered. I think I was probably hoping someone would confirm that it was not worth it, in any way.

Hi, lupolady. Everyone keeps slipping in when I'm replying to someone else. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for stopping by. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know Jesus is all I will ever truly need, and that it's the world that makes that option appear less than exciting. Thanks for reminding me of all He is. I have tried praying for OWs, and at times have even felt sympathy for them. But in other ways I envy them, and FWH. I know God has blessed me and to many I would appear to "have it all." <p>FWH, OW #1, and possibly OW #2, are all born-again Christians, so they await the same fate as I do (not wanting to get into a theological debate here, but that's what I believe...). So basically, they face no earthly or eternal consequences (other than maybe "love lost"). I wish there was some kind of reward for being a "good girl." It's hard to encourage my daughters to live moral, upright lives when I have regrets. I think I narrowed my vision at an early age and was oblivious to even the choices around me. Or maybe the choices and opportunities were really never there.

Persevering<p>Couple of things I wanted to respond to....first the hobbie things. Yes, many of them do cost money. Even the "cheap" ones can eventually add up. But there are lost of things out there that can be really inexpensive. For an example, I do cross stitch. A $30 or $40 kit, working on it 4 or 5 hours a week, will keep me entertained for months. And I don't know where you live, but the Parks and Rec. department in my town offers classes (painting and things like that) for $10 or $20. I'm just suggesting that something like this may be a place to start in order to figure out where your interests lie.<p>And the second thing....yes, the price of the A was WAY too high. I received a little esteem boost from the A. I realize now that it was nothing I couldn't have gotten from my H if only I had said something. I am certainly getting a much bigger esteem boost, among other things, from my H now. I have learn much about myself and am still learning. I just wish I had never had to experience all this to learn these things. <p>People look to affairs to fix what is wrong with themselves because they are afraid to look to deeply within themselves. This is what I believe. I know it was certainly true in my case. The A fixed nothing. Actually, it damaged a lot of things. Things are getting better for me now but that is only because my H and I have made a comment to fix our M through and while fixing ourselves. But we would both tell you that the price for this knowledge was very, very high.<p>Finally, look within yourself. Take some time off from being wife and mother. Lock yourself in the bathroom and take a soak. Pamper yourself. <p>Regretting