Below is an e-mail I received from my WS at 4:30am this morning... Looks like she is hitting bottom
now, any suggestion on where I should go from here, do I stick to Plan B or do I offer her any support/sympthy?<p>FYI.. she has our two children every work day, I have them every workday night, we alternate weekends. I have them all but 4 nights a month. I ask for every other Thursday night off, that is the reference to Alive After 5. I have recently terminated her alimony as suggest by Jenn Harley as part of a better Plan B.
---------
I am completely on the verge of a breakdown right now. Brandon has done nothing but cry I mean scream to the top of his lungs for hours at night. I can not handle it and then have him all day, I am really considering going back to work. If I go into dental I would probably at best have to work 4.5 days a week, there was an office in WF looking for help about 3 weeks ago. I may call them in the morning. I can pick up the kids a couple of nights a week right after work and spend some time w/ them, plus I will have them every Friday 1/2 days. Dr. Wootens office hours were actually not bad, better than Dr. Kinlaws, 8-5 M-Th adn 8-12 on Fridays. If the kids went to a daycare in WF, they wouldn't have to be there too much extra w/ driving time. I just don't know anymore.

RE: Alive after 5, I will to do this. But remember, I work all day too, you certainly have the nerve to think that I need no social life, but there again that is what you have expected of me thoughout the last many years. That I would just stay home and take care of the kids that I don't need a life otherwise. Its no wonder I am having this breakdown, it was bad tonight and I know you don't sympathize w/ me. You will just never understand how bad my imbalance is and what all of these years of me neglecting myself has done to me. Again look at your priorities , partying w/ friends verses seeing your kids. YOu can have your Thursday nights!

Regarding Alexs birthday party, the answer is no, I am taking both of the kids, I had already planned it, and I knew Emily had already gotten invited. It is not fair that you get to have the kids for all the fun events, I enjoy getting out and having fun w/ them too.

Money is extremely tight, I have an extra 30.00 a month, which is really not extra considering my visa bill. If I take on two more kids I will probably have a nervous breakdown, if the kids go into daycare at least they are learning, and EMily has a "school Circurculum" at daycare. Also, she would not have to go to preschool at St. CAtherines. If I do decide to get a job, and I feel it is not in the best interest for all involved then I can always stop. But, it is getting rather apparent to me that my kids may need more, they are very high strung and needy children, and you know that. At least at daycare they can get on a schedule that is suitable for both of them, plus have the benefit of learning much more than I can teach them if I stay home and take on more kids. Also, I may consider moving at the end of my lease to a townhouse if the rent is not a significant difference. Something w/ upstairs and down. I think this place is too noisy for them at times. These are all things I am considering.

I will consider the life insurance policy I just am not making it. If I have to choose between life ins. and health ins. I will have to do the obvious and pay for health ins. I would think that would be in everyone's best interest, if I die, just throw my body in a ditch, no one will miss me and its as much as I deserve.

I will drop off the kids tomorrow at 6:30, so I can go to the gym, I have not been in a while, I just can't get up in the morning and this medicine makes me tired. But I have to go, Dr. CArr said I really need to w/out esp if I have such a low energy level. I feel like if I go back to work I will get some of my energy back. Do you think if I went back to work it would be that traumatic for the kids, I mean honestly David , with my mental history it may just be in everyone's best interest. Please

I would only answer any direct questions. It appears that the two of you exchange emails which may hinder an effective plan B.<p>Don't fold now. It honestly is none of her business what you do with your time. I would not tell her what you are doing with your time (e.g. partying with friends). Tough Love mixed into your Plan B would likely help. Let her wonder and imagine the life that she is missing out on by not being with you. Be unavailable (except for your kids). Let her have the need to depend on the OM. That is part of plan b.

Thanks MB, we have not spoken in weeks now but we do e-mail with respect to the children's and our schedules. She continues to blame me for her lifes problem.. guess this is still part of the fog. I know she needs to hit bottom before she will come out of the fog but when she hits do I be there for her?
Dave

If you arew really doing a Plan B then I think you know the answer to your question.<p>You will be there for her ONLY when she says that she is giving up the A and will send a no contact letter to OM and will reveal all to you.<p>Nothing short of that will help her or you. It does look like she's finally starting to see some consequences of her decision and that reality is beginning to set in. Let her make her own decisions - re going back to work. If you make decisions for her, she'll only blame you later if it doesn't work out. <p>It's really hard watching someone you love learn these lessons on their own. However, if their parents had let them learn these lessons when they were younger then maybe they wouldn't be doing this now. <p>Try your best to hold back. I cut my Plan B short and am now feeling the ramifications of that decision. Good Luck. K

I don't think she has hit bottom yet. She may not even be near it. My wife sent me an email before we seperated stating that she realizes how much she missed me (she was away for the weekend with the OM) and I thought that perhaps such was a sign that she was coming out of the fog. She had sex with the OM that same weekend and continued to want to have a relationship with him after that email.<p>I think you will know when she is out of the fog and has hit bottom. I knew when my wife put her ring back on that it was the turning point. I knew we had entered recovery when she moved back home, three weeks later.<p>Edit: I don't think you should be there for her when she hits bottom. I know I was not ready for my wife to return home, simply because she put her ring back on. When she hits bottom, she may want to latch onto anything; the OM, religion, family, you, etc. What she will need to do is come to terms with her behavior before she (and you) can hope to start having a healthy relationship. You don't want to have her replace her addiction for the OM with an addiction for you. She needs to go through that withdrawal period.<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

Dave,
I feel odd about giving advice in areas where I dont know much about, which is why I havent been giving much advice in your plan B. I can tell you are being so strong and it is darn impressive. Well I'll give my best advice on this.<p>I am curious, what is the gist of what you mail back to her? mr bunky is a little right from what SHE writes it sounds that she is still drawing some emotional strenght fom you via the e-mails. Not leaning on the OM. I wonder if she game up on him yet. It sounds like she is still relying on you or at least trying to guilt you into providing support(finacial and emotional). I think some MB'er use a third party for discussing finacial issues, I dunno if that is possible with you or if it would be taken baddly at this point.<p>this phrase :
I would think that would be in everyone's best interest, if I die, just throw my body in a ditch, no one will miss me and its as much as I deserve
conerns me a bit. she also mentions later something about "her mental history" does she have a history of depression or suicide? She is still seeing her IC right? I hope so.<p>I try to place myself in your shoes, and I bet you are just so torn by this. She is in need and you want to go help her. I wish there was a better plan A - B transition because I know things ended on a bad note right and plan B came from it right?<p>If you truely think her life is in danger I think I would be there no matter what of course. But Im sure you would too. Did you ask the Harley's their opinion of the latest e-mail?<p>-Al

Her mental history is post pardum depression. She is still with OM. I don't think her life is in any danger, she just can't handle any stress, especially with the children, I think this is part of the reason she had the A, to escape reality, my gues is that if I offer any support she will just view it as controlling so I am better off sticking to Plan B. I think she is still getting some EN through E-mail with me, I need to do better there, I try to stick to just schedules/issues with the kids. We have not spoken a word in over 2 weeks now, which is very hard on me, I am definately the one in withdraw now.
Thanks for the advice,
Dave

I agree with the others. Only answer specific questions regarding shared child care. DON'T get sucked in to an episode where she can get a rise out of you for her obvious projections. I don't think she's near rock bottom, but I don't know her. She still sounds pretty defiant with the requisite fiestiness.<p>Let her steam.

Thanks, guess I stick to the Plan.. hard to sit by when I know she is hurting... but then again, I have been hurting for 9 months now and she has never once shown any sympathy for me, not that I expected she would.
Dave