In summary, Dr. Harley confirmed my own assessment of my situation: Without active participation by both of us in rebuilding the M, we are headed for another A.<p>He specifically suggested that I tell my H exactly that and that we need to read SAA together and follow each and every step if he wants this M to continue A-free.<p>He confirmed my suspicion that my H's statements are indicative of a lack of understanding about how affairs happen and that without doing the work to figure out what his weaknesses are and how to protect the M against them, he runs the risk of having another A. Also, because he is ignoring my needs for the extraordinary precautions, information about the A, etc., he should be made aware of how vulnerable *I* am to an A as a result.<p>I got the impression that at this point I have nothing to lose. Dr. Harley understood my reluctance to approach my H because of the effect his unsatisfactory lame-o responses have on his account in my LB$, but he pointed out that his ongoing ignoring of my expressly stated needs was continually depleting it anyway. That the only way to stop the damage is for BOTH of us to get on board and soon.<p>I wish I had asked for more specifics, like: If I lay it all out for him AGAIN, and he fails to respond, when do I bring it up again and how often, and when do you finally give up altogether? I'm going to keep listening, and hopefully someone else will ask those questions.<p>You're going to LOVE this [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . Here's what happened afterward: I had been outside during the time I was talking on the radio show so that I could have privacy. When I came back in, I dug out SAA from its hiding place (H has expressed how it offends him for me to leave it out where the kids might see it), and waited in the bedroom for him to come out of the bathroom.<p>He asked, "Where were you?". I said, "Talking to Dr. Harley." His response was a pursed-lip, frowning, eye-rolling look of disdain? derision?--looked like it was trying to convey "When are you ever going to get over your obsession with that?" Then, after a few seconds he started talking about something he saw on Autopsy last night and wondering out loud how this couple figured out they were both into raping and murdering people. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just shut down. I figure out a way to talk to directly to Dr. Harley and obviously I'm doing it for a reason and obviously it's about us and his A, and he just ignores it and prefers talking about some sickos who rape and murder the woman's sister together! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I didn't pursue the Dr. Harley subject because he hates being bothered with things on Monday because he competes Monday night, but the reprieve will be over when we arrive home tonight.<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

WOW, well at least you have taken steps to seek help. I am not even motivated to do that. I talked to my H 2 months ago about how unhappy I am in this marriage and he has yet to say anything/do anything about it. I see myself looking elsewhere for comfort. I just don't feel like trying to make something work anymore with someone who has never given this marriage or me a REAL chance. I have spent this entire marriage looking over my shoulder waiting for another bomb shell, it is no way to live. My LB is depleted and I sense the end is coming very soon. Of course I can't talk about it to husband that would be considered a TANTRUM, stirring up the past and upset his day, oh well. Good Luck to you.

conqueror-i swear this gets eerier all the time-my husband hid all my stuff from kids too. said almost the same thing about book to me also. you sur we wre not married to twins or something??<p>anyway-im glad to hear you spoke to the harleys. im gonna be following the same advice-what do we have to lose? we did have a small breakthrough this past weekend-i wrote about it on my update. i guess i have to just go at this head on and see what happens. ill be praying for you-let us know what happens.

What Dr. Harley told you it very true. I sure wish that I pushed my WH more into participation. When he would break off with OW I would bring out all the material and books and he would just briefly glance at them. He would tell me that he'll go over them later and never did. I was afraid to harass him about this because I guess I was afraid he would leave. He was never open to discussion about a plan to get our marriage back together again. He backed out on counsuling appointments which I just got tired of making after while. He was always too busy!<p>I thought I was experiencing the longest withdrawal my WH was of OW. I would ask him all the time in OW or if he had contact and he would swear up and down that he had no contact since he left her. When I wanted to talk more about our relationship he would say he was too tired and maybe tomorrow. I kept getting the same answer. I was afraid to be assertive and insist that we communicate in fears he would run off and get mad at me. He would also change the subject if something touchy came up. With all this happening he would tell me I had nothing to worry about and that he loved me. We were planning trips for the future and things to do around the house. I guess I felt safe. It was a false kind of safe as it turns out.<p>Oh well, the moral of my story is that I wish I tried harder, I wish I would have been more presitant. I am a shy person by nature and maybe that has something to do with it. I never wanted to make him feel too uncomfortable. <p>One day out of the blue, he served me divorce papers after telling me just a few days before that everything was fine and I had nothing to worry about. We were planning our next home improvement project. I had visions in my head of doing something special like renewing our wedding vows on our upcoming 25th anniversary. I am still trying to figure out how this man could do something like this to me after such a long and loving marriage!<p>I hope your husband is not like mine and I do suggest a contstant reminder to him of the things Dr. Harley talks about. For me it may be too late. I have not seen my WH for 5 months and we have a divorce pending. I am using a plan B/tough love approach this time. Maybe it will shake him up, if not then maybe I will be OK in the end.<p>[ April 08, 2002: Message edited by: betrayedbeyondbelief ]</p>