I am going to see my ex-fiance tommorow night and I need to know what to say and what not to say. After reading Dr. Harley's book (His,Her Needs and Lovebusters) I have learned alot and realized what I did wrong. I wasn't fullfilling her needs because I was hurt and resentful. I want this relationship to work but how do I see her and not bring up the resent or hurt without pushing her further away?.

You're gonna have to elaborate here... why were you resentful? What happened to make you exes? How long ago? How does she feel about the break-up? You didn't give us a whole lot to go on H! <p>Snow

Htbkn,<p>SnowWhite is right, what's your story, what happened? How long has it been ex and how long were you engaged?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Sorry so vague. Basically, I stopped giving her attention and affection and vice versa. I stopped giving her attention because to me she seemed so selfish. She likes to go out to bars with out me and she would do this 1 to 2 times per week. When ever I would bring up the subject with her she would say you never want to do anything. Well I should point out that I am 34 and she is 25. I like to go out but I am very serious about my career and financial goals and do not have the time.Usually she would say she is going shopping and would end up coming home late after being out. After a while, the hurt and resentment built up and I became depressed about the way I felt. I loved her but resented her for doing this. We were supposed to get married in August. When she wasn't going to bars she would keep busy with other things and rarely came directly home to see me after work. When she did, things were civil between us but we were both distant. We harldy ever made love and she complained about this. I loved her and I am attracted to her but I was hurt about the way things were going. I also criticized her about things that aren't even important out of frustration.
Well about two weeks ago she stayed out late till late in the morning after hanging out in the bars after she told me she was going shopping. I next day I reacted by telling her she to move out. She agreed and moved out. I was heartbroken and a friend gave me Dr. Harley's books which I read. After reading this I realized that I had handled things the wrong way.
I tried to stop her from moving out but she did anyway. I have written her a few letters blaming myself and have seen her a few times. But she seems real distant. I am completely depressed and she is happy.
Anyway last weekend I found out from a friend that several of the times she was visiting with them she smoked pot. Now this is not the biggest deal in the world but she knows how I feel about that and I feel she betrayed my trust. I am very hurt by this because honesty is one of my biggest needs. Especially since she was doing this with my friens behind my back. They are no longer my friends. Anyway I still love her and want to work things out. I am working on myself right now and I am learning alot but how do I get her to realize her faults. I love her but don't want to be with her unless she changes too.
She made me happy at one time. And this isnt about infidelity - I dont think. I am willing to do whatever it takes to work things out but I need her to want to too.
Anyway I am going to see her tonight. I am going to try to be loving but I am still resentful. I am resentful she is so happy and I really dont care to hear about the party she went to last weekend on Shaquill O'Neal yacht. How Do I react.

I forgot to answer your question. We have been together 3 years, living together 2 1/2 years, engaged 1 year. Just three weeks ago her mother was in town and they were planing the wedding! I made a mistake of getting into a fight with her in front of her mother while she was here.
She told me she was ready to move on with her life, that she didn't think we could ever get back what we had. She did come to see me at work two days ago but was relatively distant. I am going to see her tonight and don't know what to say.

HtBroken,<p>I don't think I am going to post what you want to hear. I would be kind, nice, polite, and enjoy your exGF's company. That is all.<p>It is quite clear she isn't ready to be married to you. You need to learn what you can here and use it on another woman that more closely matches your life style, your goals, and your approach to life. Your exGF doesn't match up well, and there is no need to force such a match. Maybe in a few years when she matures she would be the right woman for you, but not now. She was only 21- 22 when you two started and obviously she has some partying to do before she settles down. Let her!<p>Move on with your life and find a woman more compatible with you.<p>Sorry for being blunt, but there is no need to borrow trouble. You will be if you pursue this woman. Nevertheless, be kind, nice, etc to her and with her. You never know, in a few years she may be ready to be married.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks for the advice. I just wish I knew if she would have come home more often if I had treated her nicer. SHe said the reason she did not come out was because I wasn't nice to her and she is right. I was not nice because of the resentment of her going out. IT was a viscous cycle. If I was sure she just wanted to party then I would let go, but I am not so sure if it was me who caused it or just her being young.<p>She called me a little while ago to tell me she wasn't coming over because she was going to look at a house to rent. It broke my heart. I asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted (I almost went to plan B but didn't). She said she was just looking because it was a good oportunity. SHe also said to me things bothered her about me. Such as me being a slob. Well she was right on that one. I am working hard to change this and part of the reason I was such a slob was because I was so mentally and physically drained from no attention. But she doesn't see it this way. And I am a slob. BUt I can change or hire a maid or both.
SHe added that she does not want the responsibility of a house and doesn't want to be tied down. I never got a chance to ask her what she meant by this. I have never heard her say these things. She was the one who was always pushing to get married. I am so heartbroken and confused. It almost seems as if she is messing with me. How do I respond to her.
Also we have some financial matters to settle. I don't want to push her away and I was hoping things would work out before too many drastic changes take place before settling these matters. For instance the house we live in is still in her name but I have already paid her the money she put down and the car she drives is in my name and insurance - she put the down payment on the car but payments still need to be made. Also alot of her stuff is still at the house should I tell her to get it.

Hi, Htbroken:<p>I'm so sorry for your pain, but I gotta agree wtih JL on this one. Your ex-fiance is really very immature. I think if you really think you still want a future with her, she's got a LOT more growing up to do first!!!<p>You do, too, but she more so. Please go into a "Plan A" of sorts, for yourself. You admitted that you have "issues" that bother her. For one, you are a slob. I will tell you that that would bother just about ANY woman!! Please work on your issues, and let this "girl" go find herself. If it's meant to be, she will be back when she's got something for a lasting future to give you.<p>God Bless,

Thank you for the advice, I think you are right but I am not sure. SHe was an awesome girlfriend at one time, she used to be so loving and we got along great.
Right now she is convincing herself that I am not right for her. She is withdrawn but she says she loves me but doesn't want to be with me.
I think she would be agreeable to meet me for dinner, should I pour my heart out to her explaining to her why I was so unloving? Before this happened I kept my emotions bottled up never fully explaining my feelings. SHould I go to plan B, its only been 10 days, but she is already moving on with her life.

You have no idea how lucky you are that you did
not marry this girl. She is a terrible match for you. Why would you want to marry a woman who loves to go to bars without you, stay out very late and not come home after work, smoke pot with your friends etc. You are co-dependent if you think this is the woman for you. What would you think if someone wrote you a letter than you have written?<p>You are goal oriented in your career and she wants to drink at bars at night. Don't be a fool and look for someone you can trust and who does not lie to you and is mature. If you married this girl
(note I do not say woman) she will bleed you financially and break your heart. It seems pretty obvious. I am shocked she did these things to you while she was living with you. Be happy because you just saved yourself a lot of money and heartbreak from a divorce you would have had with her down the road. You really are a lucky man.
Now go and find someone you respect and someone who respects you.

HB,<p>The advice given here is opinions of people who have been in similar situations, but they are just opinions, no one should tell you what to do. <p>On the surface, her going out is a sign of immaturity, however, perhaps it is a indication of her reaction to you not meeting her most important emotional needs?? You would know better than anyone, right?<p>If you love her and beleive you can met her needs and she inturn can meet yours (including not going out so much, because that would be a LB)perhaps its worth a shot at Plan A and a joint session or two with the Harleys. If you think its worth saving.

Well I saw the ex yesterday. When I first saw her, I didn't feel like trying anymore because she didn't seem to care. I was ready for plan B because I get not get any feelings from her. I told her I could not make this work by myself and if she was not willing to work on things then I could not do this anymore because it hurt too bac. Well after getting a few things off my chest she finally showed some emotion. We spent the day together and had a great time, she finally was talking to me about things. We took a nap together and when she woke up she was different again. SHe told me that when we first broke up she was ready to move on with her life, and didn't deal with the breakup. Now she says she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I asked her if she wanted to do something together this weekend and she told me that she needed a few days to think about things.
My question is what does this all mean? and does she want me to call her or should I leave her alone? What should I do? I want to work things out with her and I had a feeling yesterday she may want to work it out too.