Here is my draft Plan B letter: I'd appreciate feedback and suggestions. Do I need to spell out the recovery plan in more detail?
Thanks!!!<p>My Dear xxxxx,<p>I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with xxxxx possible. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with xxxxxx, and all other relationships/commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life, once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car; you will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements to see the children and for them to see me whenever they desire, but they must do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I might need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it will have to be through a friend or family member, unless it is an emergency involving the children in which case I will take your call.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with xxxxxx, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from xxxxxx, demonstrate it in any way that you choose, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by simply ending the external relationship things would be OK. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority, and we must jointly agree to a marriage recovery plan that includes the following: Protection-avoiding being the cause of each others’ unhappiness; Care-meeting each others’ emotional needs; Time-giving each other our undivided attention; and Honesty-being totally open and honest with each other. There are many therapists experienced in this area and we can choose one we both like.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs, and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend as well.
I loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with xxxxxx.
All my love,
Spacecase

Are you through plan A? I am not familar with your situation, maybe a brief recap?<p>I think this is a good letter. Bumping it up for more input. <p>L.

SpaceCase,<p>Basically the letter looks good, but I too would like a little more information on your situation in order to give you better feedback.<p>How long have you been in plan A? Have you read everything on this website and the MB books?<p>What do you think will be accomplished by going to plan B?<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

My Dear xxxxx,<p>I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with xxxxx possible. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I&#8217;ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with xxxxxx, and all other relationships/commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life, once and for all.
***********<p>I'd put something here about her causing you so much pain because of the A that you cannot see or talk to her - in this letter you are supposed to keep asserting that you cannot see or talk to WS because you will lose your love for them if you do because they are causing you so much pain. Focus on the pain - otherwise it sounds like you are doing this out of anger to be vindictive.<p>***************<p>Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car; you will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements to see the children and for them to see me whenever they desire, but they must do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I might need. I&#8217;d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it will have to be through a friend or family member, unless it is an emergency involving the children in which case I will take your call.
*********
You should be specific about the friend or familiy member - unless you don't care. The purpose of ther third party is to pass along messages and make sure that any message to WS is free of any emotional extras - messages should contain only the facts.<p>*****************<p>I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with xxxxxx, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.<p>As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from xxxxxx, demonstrate it in any way that you choose, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. <p>*******
Is there anyway to take out the "we" in the following section - you're supposed to make sure that the WS does not feel defensive by putting any blame on them - this letter is supposed to be about you, and your pain.<p>****************<p>We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by simply ending the external relationship things would be OK. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority, and we must jointly agree to a marriage recovery plan that includes the following: Protection-avoiding being the cause of each others&#8217; unhappiness; Care-meeting each others&#8217; emotional needs; Time-giving each other our undivided attention; and Honesty-being totally open and honest with each other. There are many therapists experienced in this area and we can choose one we both like.<p>I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other&#8217;s emotional needs, and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend as well.
I loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with xxxxxx.
All my love,
Spacecase<p>********
Note: Please don't take any comments the wrong way - these are just things I've gleaned from counseling sessions with Harley and other comments from people on the board. <p>Be sure to send a copy to OP too, and when you hand write it out(this took me forever to do), makes sure you put in spaces between the important paragraphs for an easy read.<p>Make sure this is what you want. There is no going back - divorce is the next step, so make sure you've done a good Plan A, so that WS will want to come back to the marriage when A dies.<p>K

Thanks everyone for your feedback.
Brief recap of situation:
Married 21 years, 3 children 19 in college,16 at home,16 at home.
W having an EA with an old (ancient) boyfriend who ended up in federal prison. Going on for 1-2 years, found out about it 7 months ago, have been plan Aing since then.(naturally, I've become better at it as time has passed, but basically that's what I've done). Although I see a lot of progress in some areas (she says she loves me, wants to stay with me, hasn't left me, says she wants to work out our problems, has made an effort at better sex, is mostly pretty friendly and more or less loving with me, etc.), there are several areas where we are exactly at the same place we were 7 months ago when I disocvered the affair (still lying, not able to admit the affair, not willing to end it, not able to understand that it has to end before we can really make progress, has no plan of her own for repairing our relationship, rejects any plan I propose, still blaming me for all our problems, has tremendous anger over stuff we've already dissected, shows no remorse, has no intention of an apology, etc.)
Basically it is the lack of progress towards a situation where we can create an environment of Care, Honesty, Protection & Time that I am thinking I'm ready for Plan B.
She'd had another A 14 years ago and although she ended it, we never addressed the issues behind it at all, and at this point in my life (42) I'm sure I don't want to stay in the marriage unless we can really create something real and honest. I am aware of the multiple emotional needs I've neglected as well as some of my other LBs, and I have made significant progress towards correcting those.

more feedback, please...

I'm desperate here...feedback please!

I gave my feedback.....so bumping this one up a bit.....<p>L.

bump

I was definitely premature for Plan B...started another thread "Affairs that don't end...confused...help"