It was friday night he went to his friend house to fix our car.(she actually drove him there and met his friends, ) Then he stayed there got drunk, and called and told me he would be home. He never came home. I thaugt it was too late to call this house. I was for sure he would come home. He didn't. I called his friends house, he said he left 12:00. I called the police, he wasn't there. <p>So I called her house, she said he wasn't there. (He was.) Then I called all the hospitals. So I called her back. She still denyed it. So 10 minutes later he called from a pay phone, trying to say he slept on her couch. I hung up<p>Then he came home, we faught. I however let him stay. The next day I found a hicky. I freeked out. I called her and screamed, then she said she did it on pourpose. So that I would know where he was, and he couldn't lie to me. <p>Well to make a long story short. He said they have been fighting. She has been having a male freind she is getting realy close to, and sneaky. They had a big fight, and he told her to return everything,a nd rip up everything! She yelled at him.
So now he wants to write her a letter to hurt her, and take back the power he gave her over him. However he wanted to go back to the choir where she is this Friday! What the ----. He said he won't go to the priest with me, or write the letter if I don't let him go, or call me when he is coming home after work.(our apt is fri, and after that is choir at another church, should I tell him lets talk to the priest)
He keeps getting stupider! I don't want to do what i know I should, which is kick him out. <p>Also should I call her mom(she is 24) she called me to see if I did, and begged me not to. It gave me the idea. She is having a great life now. Choir, job, and tv station (with my sister in law and brother in law, they don't know it is her, that hosts)I feel like I am keeping too silent.<p>I had some type of break down Sunday, and walked 3 miles to hospital, but couldn't go in, just sat on bench, and prayed. Has anyone had this happen. He doesn't like my boundaries, they make him mad. Too bad. I just don't know how to parent my husband. (that is what it feels like!) Thanks if anyone read this.

I forgot to ask is it a natural death of an affair, to have them be mad at OW, and sad at same time. We are Catholics, and I don't want to get a divorce, niether does he.

meara,<p>The only letter I would let my husband write is a NO CONTACT letter. This guy must be nuts! I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure that adultery is a sin. And, frankly, I would rather divorce than live with a man I couldn't trust. <p>I don't understand, he's mad because she's cheating on him??!! How two-faced can you be??<p>The best way for him to 'take back the power' (puh-leeze) is to simply break off all contact. And I cannot believe he is trying to hold you hostage emotionally so that you will sit quietly while he continues this fiasco.

The A is starting to self-destruct. I would not call her mother. As much pleasure as it would give us (I know, I have been there), no good can come of our sinful behavior.<p>Your H should not write a hateful letter. Doing so does not take back any power. Writing actually gives her MORE power. The way to take away her power is for him to write a No Contact Letter and to never speak or coorespond with her again.<p>There is nothing less powerful than a non-entity.<p>I think this is a good time for you to be strong. You have every right to set some boundaries. One such boundary can (and should) be his removal from the choir. I would also seek out a different church.<p>None us ever want to move to plan B. It is just like disciplining a child. No one wants to be the that deals out the punishment/consequences. The thing is, we do ourselves and them no good by not setting and sticking to reasonable boundaries.<p>Consequences are the method by which people learn - both positive and negative. Take away the consequences for an action and a person learns nothing.<p>If you were to move to some sort of plan B, you need to know it will likely hurt you more than it hurts him. That is often the nature of boundaries. Pain encourages growth and through such pain, you will grow stronger. I wish I was stronger at many points of my discovery of my FWW A. I think our marriage would be better off if such had occured.

(((Meara)))<p>If your husband drinks to the level of drunkenness with frequency, and you feel as if you are "mothering" this relationship .... pull back to get a better look. I think you might be too close to the situation to have a healthy perspective.<p>The 24-year-old-hicky-placer is not your problem. FORGET calling her. The *child-man* married to you is your problem. If you call the 24-year-old (or her mother) ... youfurther develop yourself into the "mothering" role. Stop anything remotely mothering. It encourages childlike behaviour from drinkers. Don't rescue him from the consequences of his actions.<p>Have you ever been to Alanon?<p>Call the local directory and ask for the Alanon chapter nearest you ... and then GO to meetings (MANY meetings)..... this is about YOU working on YOU .... It is just about impossible to recover from adultery if alcohol is involved ... because alcohol is a family disease .... and the sober spouse becomes the parent, the police, the enabler.<p>Go to ALANON ... I mean it. Focus on changing YOURSELF... let him be an [censored] if that's his choice. Trying to control him turns YOU into someone you don't want to be.<p>God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~<p>The courage to change the things I can~<p>And the wisdom to know the difference~<p>Amen!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Meara,<p>My XH last OW was 23, so I think I know how you feel. I'd really like to let you in on a few things, but probably it should be done off the board. Some of the stuff is kind of personal, and some might not get a round of applause from people here. If you would like to email me, I think I might be able to help a bit. If you don't want to take it off the board, no big deal, just offering. <p>I feel for you honey, it really is the pits.<p>Elizabeth