I am still angry, now eight months later, at the person my beloved wife of 25 years had an affair with. The guy was one of my closest friends; a real buddy, a golfing partner, and fishing pal with whom I had shared many happy times and many personal moments. Fortunately, my wife and I have been able to reconcile and heal, and are recovering quite nicely. But the pain of my former friend&#8217;s betrayal still hangs over me like a dark cloud.<p>I wonder if all those &#8220;men&#8221; out there who would do such a thing, or who are doing it now, could only feel the mind numbing pain and suffering it causes, would they act differently? Despite all the help from my pastor, my therapist, my friends, and even medication, it is the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning and the last before I fall asleep. It grips me all day like a vice of sadness and makes me feel like I would truly rather have died than lived to see this happen. My wife&#8217;s suffering is just as bad as mine.<p>I think all good marriages, even great ones, have stale periods or weak points, which leave people unhappy and vulnerable. Real men rely upon each other as friends who can be trusted not to exploit the weaknesses they may experience from time to time in their marriages. Even a happily married woman who loves her husband can be overwhelmed by the pressures of middle age, children leaving the home, depression, and other things which may lead her to ignore her better judgment and seek the instant fix and cheap thrills of an extramarital affair. My wife does not make excuses and accepts her share of responsibility, and I accept my failures too, but friends should act like friends and men should act like men. If someone&#8217;s troubled wife entices you, invites you, or even tries to seduce you, it is up to you to be a real man, not an exploitative predator, and call her a cab. Instead, my &#8220;buddy&#8221; helped her off with her clothes. A buddy is supposed to help you when you are down and need it most, not take advantage of your troubles. <p>My wife and I could have worked out our problems, the fact that we are successfully doing it now proves it, it is just a hundred times harder because of the pain one lowlife&#8217;s selfish behavior added to the situation. I just hope this guy doesn&#8217;t think my wife loves him; she thinks he is a dirt bag now, as do I. Most women only want to love a real man, he disqualified himself, and she knows it. But even that doesn&#8217;t help my anger, how can I get over my friend&#8217;s betrayal?

Hi Jack: I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know if this will work or if many will think it a good suggestion, but this is my initial thought. <p>Since this man was such a close friend to you (if he weren't I would probably have a different opinion) I think you need to tie those loose ends. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. My only caution in telling you this is that it could cause you more grief, especially if you go about it wrong. You have unanswered questions of him, as you did with your wife at times. You have a desire to show him your pain because he was so close to you, as you did your wife. You and your wife has built past all this. You have shared the depths of your hurt, but the womb with your ex-friend is wide open still. If you think you can sit and talk with him, in a manner along the lines of how you did with your wife toward the beginning, maybe it will help. Why I suggest it this way is because I am lead to think that if you can release all this pain and share it with him, maybe you can finally be rid of it (for the most). However, if you go into a conversation with him in attack mode, I believe it will do more damage than anything - he will attack back.<p>I don't know how much this will help, but they are just my thoughts. In any event, I am glad to see you and your wife are doing well in rebuilding. I wish you the best, and hope you find peace soon.

Jack,<p>You would be amazed at how many "best friends" have affairs with the other spouse. For one reason the "best friends" are allowed in closer to a marriage than most. They see the strengths and weaknesses. People confide in them about what is wrong.<p>In short, the "best friends" have the inside track on affairs. There are a lot of women and many men here who were betrayed by their "best friend". Actually all of them here have. You see your "best friend" should be your spouse. So you have lost one of two "best friends". It is sort of a double blow isn't it?<p>But it is reasonable when you think about it. How to stop thinking about him? I don't know the answer but I would suggest that several things will help: <p>1. Time and patience<p>2. Your W can and must help. I hope she realizes what she has done not just by the affair but by killing off your best friend.<p>3. Facing why you feel so bad about this. Let me make a few guess. You fill in the blanks. He got the best of you. He hasn't shown any remorse. You think he is laughing at you for being foolish enough to trust him. You miss the ability to share things and time with him. I could go on, but the important thing is to identify these issues.<p>Take for example, the ability to share things and time with him. The solution is to do this with your W more than you ever have before. You might want to talk to your W about this as well. Perhaps she will take up some of your hobbies and meet your need for recreation.<p>The point is if you can identify these things, come and talk about them here. Most people here know what you are talking about and would help. I suspect you feel inferior right now. Ask yourself this, if everyone knew the truth about him and you, who would they trust and want around themselves and their families? I think the answer is obvious.<p>Most of all I think you will have to come to the point of realizing he is NOT part of your life and that he will reap the rewards of his misdeeds.<p>Must go, but think about things abit, and then come back. But, most of all give it time and let your W help you.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Tutter13! You are the man! Thank you so much, these words are so comforting to me. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone becuase the neighborhood would be in a uproar. I especially appreciated your insight on sitting down with my x friend, I am well past the hothead stage and thought that circumstances would have brought us together at a party or something by now and that we would talk, and could talk. But I am on the fence. I also don't want to excite my wife's curiosity or his need to contcat her. In other words is a what can I say what can he say situation that has some upside but some down side too. Have to go now but hope we can chat tomorrow, it has been a sad and lonely time.<p>Jack

Just Learning, wise words and thank you, my reply (this is my first tiem on the internet was meant for you as well as Tuttle13.

Hi Jack,<p>I am going to leave you for the day with this saying. It was the sign off signature of a fellows who used to post here. I think I recall his name but don't want to get it wrong. IN any event, the saying is:<p>"Resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other guy to die."<p>You need to think about that. Have a good night. Look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: Tutter is a woman. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

JL - Thanks for pointing out the fact that I am a woman.<p>Jack - I'm still the man! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I was flattered by that and it made me smile. Thanks.<p>Anyhow, I would love to chat more today, I check in frequently, but am not around on weekends, but I am here if you need someone to talk to.<p>The other thing, I wouldn't recommend taking advantage of a chance meeting at a party to talk. Not really the best of places. Too much distraction, etc. If he was such a good friend (I know, what good friend would do this to you [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ) he too is pondering being able to talk with you about things. You know, I was both the WW and OW at the same time. When my shadow came to light I not only felt awful for what I'd done to my husband, but for what I'd help do to the wife of this O/MM I was seeing. I didn't even know her, but I felt terrible. I would have to believe that your x-friend has to feel something, and possible want to talk. I'm glad you are past the hothead point, and I think that it may actually do you some good to call him and say "hey, can we meet for a coffee and talk?"<p>As for your wife having a problem with this - if she has done as well as you said in rebuilding and working with you, I think she will understand why you need to do this. Tell her before hand what you want to do. Let her know that it is not to get even with either of them, etc. Let her know that it still weighs heavy on your mind that this person you trusted for so long helped in your betrayal and that you need to release this in a productive way, sort of in the sense that you and her did. I think she will understand.<p>I wish you well, and keep us posted. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

You feel exactly like I would expect the BS to feel. It blows my mind that the H of my H's OW, HIS best friend, acts like 'no big deal.'<p>My H had an affair with my former best friend 6 years ago. They both lied and said it was EA only. We ended up separated 9 mos and since her H was my H's friend and business partner, we almost lost our business over it. At the time I was devastated. We eventually ended up back together (when he saw she was choosing her H over him), went to lots of counseling, etc. It took me about 2 years to really feel 'better.'<p>Well, this past summer I just knew he was lying. We were in counseling again and I told the MC I was done working on anything until he told the truth. Turns out he lied for 6 years because he promised her 'he'd never tell.' Isn't that sweet? His vow to her meant more than our wedding vows. It was sexual. They had sex in her car, at her house, made out at our office and SHE WAS IN MY BED. I was her matron of honor just 6 mos before all of this. Well, I didn't know the truth so I kept trying to be her friend. Can you believe after she was in my bed she came over and left a birthday gift for me? <p>Well of course I'm a very sad person right now. It's very hard to be lied to for that long by 2 people you loved so much. Our friendship was never resolved and she has since divorced and moved away. She cheated on H #1 with H #2 and on H #2 with my husband. All of that by the time she was 25.<p>My H refused to tell his parents or his friend (who's still his partner by the way). One night I couldn't take it anymore and said something about he'd never know the truth anyway. He asked my H (who was extremely mad at me!) and it came out. Guess what? He just looked at him and said "I forgive you."<p>THAT WAS IT! After his supposed best friend slept with his wife, almost destroyed his business and lied about it for 6 years. So he got off the hook there too. Makes me so angry and confused. I would expect him to feel like you but I guess my H is just one very lucky man. He has a wife who he's put thru hell twice and has stayed with him, and a friend who forgives him immediately for sleeping with his wife. Wish I had the luxury.<p>I can't take the medicine that was helping me thru this as I'm pregnant. So I'm very down much of the time at such an otherwise happy time. Of course H goes on his happy way, and says he 'can't go back there' as he's had 6 years to heal. <p>Do I sound resentful? YOu bet I am. I told the MC I find it VERY strange that my H and his friend can still spend all week together at work and then do things in their free time. It's almost twisted if you ask me. <p>I feel your pain and I pray for peace and healing for you

All my new friends, <p>What a treasure trove of insight and experience you all have. Last night I went to sleep thinking about you and looking forrwad to talking again this morning. It has been a while since I looked forward to anything. How did you folks get a copy of my owner's manual? The resntment quote was great, and I believe my x friend is feeling bad about losing my wife, he would have to she is that great. You are right not to meet at a party, but if I ran into him at one I would say let's take a walk and talk. But again what could he tell me? I am sure he would apologize but what good is it if he is cornered into it so to speak. And i don't know how pure my own motives are for such a chat. I suspect that what I really want to do is sneer at him. I also have the urge to let him know what I know, how it started, what they did, and some personal stuff about him that he would be surprised and disappointed to learn that my wife divulged. His turn to feel betrayed so to speak. BUt for one , this is vengeful on my part, what's the difference between hurting him that way or punching him in the nose? And second, he could feel so betrayed that he would call my wife and say I can't believe you told him thus and so and then my wife gets mad at me etc. One thing that has impressed my wife is that I have refrained from all violence and revenge,I sent a Christmas which said "I offer you my forgiveness" and he never apologized. So I look like the good guy to my wife and he reveals his poor chraacter. Why change the equation? Then there is that old saying, revenge is a dish best served cold. Someday somewhere I'll tell him off quietly and firmly. I just wish I could get some gesture or loyalty test from my wife. I penned a letter:<p>Dear J,<p>I want to more formally apologize to you for telling you that I loved you and for my part in the terrible wrong we committed and the harm we caused to a wonderful and decent man who loved and trusted us both. In the months that have passed I have come to realize now more than ever that I have only truly loved one man in my life and he is my husband. <p>Despite the wrongfulness of our actions, I think you are basically a good person and that like me you never planned to hurt anyone. We were just two very needy people acting selfishly. It is unfortunate that we allowed a genuine friendship to overtake us and become something so immorally harmful to us all. Please do not reply to this letter and respect my request that we continue to have no further contact. <p>Sincerely,
wife <p>
But my wife said I she already said all that stuff when she broke it off and wasn't interested in sending it now. I didn't push it cuase I figured it would be a "love buster." PLus my wife says she has already hurt so many people she doesn't want to hurt anybody anymore. She has kept the no contact pledge, informed me about two times he did contact her and gone to retrouvaille and counseling with me. So I think recovery is about Jack from now on.

Jack,<p>I'm a BS and have had many a thought about the OM. No he was not a close friend, but a friend from W's work that I did not know well. Some thoughts to ponder,
It seems like, not that your house is again in some kind of order, you do want to lash back. You were betrayed twice by WS and the OM. Wanting to lash back is normal, actually doing it can cause more problems as you said before.<p> If you can break contact with the friend. Every time you see him and talk about him your W also has a "contact" through you. If you and she think he is scum, why keep scum around? Let it go! This should be easier than you think because of his decision not to be you friend anymore, aka being the OM.
The best revenge you could do is be the best H in the world and create the strongest and most successful (affair proof) M possible. All the MB stuff applies.<p> You want him to feel the same pain you felt. Do you really wish that on anyone? Is this ex-friend really worth all this thought and effort?<p>The pain of being a BS is great, and resentment is the flame set to simmer to keep the pain warm.....<p>Hope all works out for you.
Keep thinking positive<p>DRS

Jack: You seem to be making great progress. Maybe this place is what you need to release some of the lingering tension about your x-friend.<p>As for the test of loyalty for your wife. . . it will grow over time. Embrace the little things she does to reassure you, and remember them because they will truly help in days of need. Also, don't forget to let her know she is doing well. As, I'm sure you know, you like reassurances that you are her love and you are doing well in the rebuilding, the WS desires this also.<p>She is making great efforts to show you that she deserves you. Sure, it will take time to fully embrace that and let down all safty walls, but you are doing great.<p>I wish you well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Desert, we have the same stats, have been with my wife for 33 years, married last 24 of those, affair is two years old, ended on Thanksgiving. First time for either of us. I thought we had agreat marriage and was very proud of our "example" in this otherwise crazy world, now I ma part of the craziness I guess. I am confused as to all the abbreviations used here, WW, BS etc. Wife and I are doing pretty well, Retrouvaille even for a non-religious person lie me was a great step. What is your strategy for recovery and what do the dday dates mean in your message ?<p>Jack

Maggierose, <p>In your post on this tread your related where your H's best friend said "I forgive you". Men can be stange sometimes. They can hate you but still work with you because it is a team thing, they separate professional and personal.<p>My opinion is that your H's best friend was really saying to him was, "I'm a bigger person than you", "I'm angry as hell, but your not worth my effort to strike back". Also, there is a saying in business, Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Now I'm second guessing you H's motives....<p>I sense you think the two partners should have broken contact. I agree because thru H, to H's partner, to H's partner's W (The OW) you and your H still have a contact of sorts, mentally if nothing else.<p>
Hope I didn't go off on too much of a tangent...<p>If you haven't read it, look at the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. It gave me great insite into how I communicate as a man, and how I should communicate with a woman.<p>Good luck,<p>DRS

Tutter13-<p>Not quite sure what those "great efforts" are. Part of my angst I think is that from day one I have "mangaged" the recovery, read ten books, she won't read, got a therapist, she went reluctantly, arranged retouvaille , she went but I was the driving force, I planned weeeknd getaways, lost 20 pounds, bought flowers and generally went full bore. It has worked pretty damn well but there is this lingering feeling that I am the one who should be doted on. On explanation that comes to mind is that this really was something "on the side" as the old saying goes. My wife never stopped loving me, she confided this to a mutual friend girlfriend the whole time, and has said same to me, our sex life was great, no kidding, we took trips had many romantic times etc. I get the feeling thta because she knows or feels that her love for me is beyond question thta I should know it too. She says the affair "meant nothing" and was like a "stupid teenage fling" but on the day shewas confronted said "Im in love." Since then it is changed to "I realize it was an infatuation not love,I liked him but I don't like him now etc." I can't figure it out.<p>Jeff

Jack, <p>D dates mean that the A was supposedly stopped but rediscovered. WS wayward spouse, BS betreayed spouse. Gota go for now will post more later<p>have a good day.<p>DRS

Spouse seem sput off when i cry or express pain, it is like she is saying I love you it is over you foragve me please feel good now. I wrote her this letter:<p>DearWS,<p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>I am writing this will great hesitancy but also with great love and sincerity because I want to share one of my deepest feelings with you. I am hesitant because of the mutual desire we have to look forward, not back, and my very real fear that sharing this feeling will only upset you or drive you away from me. Then why do it? <p>That&#8217;s where the sincerity and love come in. If I have learned anything at all from our experience it is that withholding of feelings and thoughts from your spouse in the belief that it is better not to make waves or to avoid any unpleasantness diminishes intimacy. You think you are doing your spouse a favor by not upsetting him or her and you are motivated even by love to spare them any unhappiness, but in the end nothing could be more harmful to you both. We all desperately need a person with whom we can share anything and if not our spouse someone will soon fill the role.<p>Some great ironies in all this cannot escape me. First, is the fact that it is the very wonderful life we have spent together and the intimate knowledge of each other&#8217;s ways, sensitivities, likes, and dislikes that schooled us so well in knowing exactly what to avoid and what not to share! The intimacy we gained became the medium for the intimacy we would diminish. Second, is how well meaning and loving this process begins. The genuine caring and concern we each have for each other actually goes from creating a bond to creating a distance between us. Third, is how the temporal happiness one of us may have gained from being spared the unpleasantness or discomfort resulting from the open and honest expression of the thoughts and feelings of the other, pales in comparison to one of life&#8217;s truest joys, the knowledge that we can be loved and accepted unconditionally, without reproach or judgment, and understood and comforted by our mate. Fourth, is the fact that I believe now more than ever, that we could have shared anything and everything and still been understood, accepted, loved, encouraged, comforted, or forgiven, as needed. It was just easier and seemed nicer not to. Well so much for ironies, there are more than enough of them, but to know them is to learn from them I think.<p>So what is the feeling I am compelled to share so uncomfortably? It is my intense pain. Here is one feeling you probably think I have shared enough of or that you know enough about or don&#8217;t want to hear any more about. I pray for your understanding and compassion. It is not anxiety I feel, not even depression, it is just the awful relentless pain of what happened.<p>It truly is the most severe form of emotional pain I have ever experienced. My struggle with it is the greatest challenge I have ever faced in my life. It is far worse than any depression I have ever had or the pain I have experienced from the loss of a loved one. Pain from depression and death, though agonizing, has a strange sort of naturalness or familiarity to it and can be tolerated more easily or at best endured. This is a searing, blinding kind of ache that ebbs and flows to its own unknown rhythms, welling me to tears one moment, racing the heart the next, ripping and tearing through my soul like an uncontrollable consuming fire. It feels dangerous, vicious, volatile and unpredictable. It is so terrifying at times I wonder if it will ever stop or if it will consume me in the end. <p>In dealing with it I have confronted myself in the deepest most personal way I know how. I am not ashamed to say I have taken my suffering to God and begged for relief and for mercy though undeserving I may be. I have taken it to a priest, a doctor and to close friends. But I think the person I really need to share it with is you. No one else&#8217;s comfort is as warm, no one else&#8217;s tenderness is as settling. But keep it from her I tell myself, bear it alone, and don&#8217;t let it upset her the way it does you. But I yearn to cry on your shoulder instead of my own even though I am so afraid that if my suffering is unbearable for you then I will be unbearable to you and you will leave me for someone who is not so afflicted. Or worse, that if I do share it you will feel it too, how could I wish that on you? <p>Will it make us closer or push us apart? Will you feel more loved or less loved? More forgiven or less forgiven? More angry or less angry? Do I simply want to heal myself or be helped to heal by you? And what of your pain and your suffering, are you sharing your feelings or keeping them to yourself? Do you feel you have no right to suffer and feel pain? You do of course, it is not about rights and privileges, it is about what you feel and how you feel it. I surely have no right to feel pain. I am blessed with you, your love, God&#8217;s love, our marriage, our family and our future, who am I to feel pain? What justification do I have? None, yet it cuts me to the bone and stings my mind like an acid. I am afraid that you won&#8217;t be able to believe someone who tells you he loves you more than ever at the same time he is telling you he is hurting more than ever. But it is true.<p>I want so much to open up to you and expose my own frailty as I have done to God, but God does not have to see me as strong and solid. God can see me as emotionally crippled and hurting and love me all the more, can you ? Or is that asking too much of a wife, must it only be asked of God? <p>I love you and want to share everything, the good and the painful. I wish it didn&#8217;t dog me so, I know you are so ready to just move on and that you must be impatient that I can&#8217;t just finish running this race, or should I say marathon, today. I want you to know how hard I am trying and searching for anything that will help. I don&#8217;t think I am very experienced at this either, in the past when I felt pain I blocked it, ran from God, and put up all my defenses. I have no defense to this. I don&#8217;t even know for sure if my intellect is a help or a hindrance. I used think if you could understand or explain something it wouldn&#8217;t hurt you as much but isn&#8217;t that like understanding how your leg broke, what&#8217;s the difference if you&#8217;re still limping? <p>There is also a new this realization I have that I am not invulnerable to pain, pain is invulnerable to me. My efforts to control the actions of others, to insulate myself from the pain they might cause me have in the end caused me the greatest pain I know. In retrospect I now recognize with awesome clarity how my whole life since the tragedies of my youth has been an attempt to insulate myself from further pain to make sure no one could hurt me again. All of my efforts to restrain the sources of pain would have been better spent and will from now on be better spent accepting pain and reacting appropriately to it rather than foolishly trying to eliminate and control all of its sources. I will take each hurt as it comes, the little hurts and the big hurts, and respond accordingly. The one big one I have accepted has taught me both how much I can endure and what I will not endure again. <p>I want you to know that I am healing, that I am learning, that I am growing, and that I will run the marathon and finish strong. Please trust me I am a survivor not a quitter. There is no quit in me when it comes to you. I know it is difficult for you to see me weakened and hurting because you always saw me as a source of strength. But I will be strong again, I promise you.<p>I want to share with you my greatest realization, the real good that has come out of this in my most personal and individual sense, it is this: I have gained a genuine and lasting understanding. I believe that if I am to have another 33 years with you it will have to be on different terms because I am different. Holding back my feelings to spare yours deprived me of one of your greatest gifts, compassion, and deprived you of the opportunity to care and comfort, something that because of who you are and what you value, brings you self worth and even joy. I am sure it worked in both directions as well. Concealing my weaknesses gave you a false sense of who I am, acting sure of myself and confidant masked the fact that I am as afraid of life&#8217;s perils as you are. How nice it could have been for you to have been held in my arms and to have been able to think, he understands, he is as frightened as me, or feels as alone as I feel, or as confused as I feel confused, or as hopeful as I feel hopeful, and even as happy as I feel happy, or cares like I care. This was the way of our life, how did we misplace it ? <p>How could you not have felt inferior to someone who admitted no weakness, confessed no fault, and showed no fear? Irony again, that these behaviors are probably derived from weakness itself and fear that is very real. But the time finally and inevitably came that I could no longer carry this burden of solitary strength which treated shared feelings as expressions of weakness, and I buckled under the strain. Then I desperately needed compassion, but it was too late, it had already found an outlet, and I spiraled into despair and loneliness without a parachute, and worse, without an identity. <p>So telling you my feelings is really about who I am, and not who I am pretending to be. Not sparing you gives me an opportunity, but not a guarantee, that you will love me, love the man behind the curtain. How much more I will love you if I can say at the end of the day, not that you love me as long as I don&#8217;t cause you any pain, but that you love me anyway. <p>I kind of got off on a tangent here, but that&#8217;s me too isn&#8217;t it ? Anyway I love you and I hope you will not be put off by my feelings of pain and will share yours with me. Tell me how good you feel but tell me how bad too.<p>
Love,<p>BS

Jack,<p>If you haven't sent that letter to your W, do so. It is simply the best expression of what all of this is about that I have read. I suspect that all or part of it is going to be used around here quite a bit. I know more than a few posters that need to read it right now. <p>You have an exceptional way with words and this letter is certainly an example of it.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Ok Jack, here are a few more thoughts/opinions.<p>You asked about my efforts comment. You wrote "My wife does not make excuses and accepts her share of responsibility,. . ." in your initial post. That's where I got it from. Maybe she is missing some things that would help you better, but obviously she is doing something if you feel she really is owning her responsiblity.<p>About the "feeling nothing for him" and the answer of being "in love" with him. I would venture to say that she was trying to be as honest as possible. She was most likely lost in all the feeling she thought she was experiencing, and the love of the feelings she had wasn't the same as how she felt for him. She may have felt desired by him, and loved that, while not seeing how you desired her in the same (and more). I wouldn't necessarily question which statement was truthful and honest. In my honest opinion, she was lost while having this affair, and her initial response(s) were built off a lost soul.<p>As for the fact that you feel you have been the main driving force. Maybe so, but I do applaud you for that. Me, I feel I should be the one to pamper my husband (BS) more than anything. I would have to say we both do our share of the work in rebuilding, pretty equal, but I do feel that I am the one who has something to prove, not him. He, he proved it all along, I was just to blind to see it at the time. I am ever so lucky he is still by my side.<p>You mentioned that you get the feeling that because she knows her love is beyond mention (something of that sort) that she may feel you should know this too. My suggestion would be that you talk to her about this. Let her know that deep down you do know this, but it really helps to hear it or see it. Sometimes I ask my husband "do you still love me". One day he finally asked me why I ask this, do I think he doesn't. I told him, "I know you do, it's just that at that specific moment I wanted to hear it, and I can't expect you to read my mind and know that, so I ask." He smiled, and now he simply answers if I ask it. We don't always know what eachother need, so we need to tell our spouses these things.<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

I totally agree with Just Learning. An exceptional letter. I was brought to tears, and I believe you have more fully expressed how my husband feels at times about not sharing his pains to save me the hurt.<p>Understand something though, she doesn't ask you not to share because she wants protection from pain. It's more that your pains expressed enable her to see more of the darkness she has cast. She looks at herself in a negative way. She has broken something she can't fix alone. She doesn't want you to see her in that light, as she views herself at moments. Mind you, I am speaking how I feel, and can only think it may apply. Your letter is fabulous, and very well expressed. I think it will help her to realize a lot, and help her to see what a beautiful light you see her in, flaws and all.<p>Good luck to you. I really appreciate you sharing this here. I think it can help a lot of people - it has helped me understand a few more things as well. Take care.

JL:<p>"I know more than a few posters that need to read it right now. "<p>Yes! I was paying attention! Jack, that's a great letter. Very similar to what I've been thinking about for the past 3 months myself. I am thinking about writing something like this myself, or even forwarding it to my W as an example of just how similar we all are in this situation (something she doesn't seem to realize still). <p>Good luck to you.