Hello All,<p>Haven't posted in quite a while, so I'll do a quick (I hope) synopsis of my situation. I found out about H's A with a former co-worker 11-30-01. H moved out at my request 12-1-01. After the "shock" wore off in about a week, I begged him to come back home. He said that he needed time and space, blah, blah, blah. He is staying with OW, her H, her D, and D's fiance. My H has a room in their finished basement. OW's H knows of their A, but isn't doing anything to stop it. The only thing he did was to say that he wished them both happiness. What a jerk he is! I have tried to contact him, but have been told by OW that her H can't be bothered speaking to me, and her H was her problem, not mine. <p>Anyway, I have gone through all the emotions, crying, begging and pleading, anger, depression all before coming to this forum and learning that they were all the wrong things to do. I have been doing Plan A for about 2 months and now I have been trying to "emotionally detach" from my H, but it is very difficult. We used to talk alot on the cell phone, (I'm not "allowed" to call him at their house number) but now we only talk when I initiate the calls, which I try to keep to a minimum because when i call he says "what do you want?" I really do miss talking to him, even though it was only trivial things we talked about. It gave me a feeling of still being connected to him.<p>I asked my husband to come over on Saturday night because I felt that we really needed to talk through some things. He has continued to pay our bills, which I truly appreciate and have let him know that. But an opportunity may be coming up for me to move to a condo that I could afford on my own. It is in the same building as my sister's and my son's condos. It would be very convenient for me and besides, I already know and love the neighbors. <p>
Well, now to Saturday night's conversation...I told my H that I really needed to know what plans he and OW have. He told me that they have no plans. I reminded him of what he had told me a few months ago, that she was going to leave her H after her D's wedding in June, they were going to get a place of their own, and that OW wants to marry my H. And to that, my H said "they are her plans, not necessarily mine." When I asked him if he wants to marry OW, he just made a face that indicated to me that he wasn't wild about the idea, but didn't know for sure one way or the other. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said "no, not really." I agreed that I did not want a divorce either. <p>I also told him of my concerns for our 18 year old D, as she had written him a 4 page letter (but never sent it) and there was a lot of pent-up anger in it. She has never voiced these feelings to me because she has been so worried about my state of mind. H asked what was in the letter and I told him a few of the things I remembered reading, such as "he is acting like a teenager and she now has to act like the adult" and "she knows she never had a 'daddy's little girl' relationship with him, but right before all of this happened, he had started on anti-d's and she felt that they could finally have a great F/D relationship after all because they were really getting along great, and that's when he just turned his back on us and started with this OW." and she also wrote that "if he continues with the OW, then he will not walk her down the aisle when she gets married and won't even be invited to her wedding. And he also will NEVER see his grandchildren." My H seemed very upset to hear this, but I think he needed to because his actions are not only affecting me, they are affecting other people too.<p>I told him about the possibility of my moving if he plans on staying with OW. I told him that we would sell the house and then I would have no connection to him at all. After that I would be on my own, and he would be on his own with no need to contact each other at all. Our 2 children want no parts of him while he is with the OW. Our S is 21 and D is 18, both old enough to make up their own minds as to their relationship with their father. That would eliminate the only 2 things we have in common according to "the speech" he gave me. The bills and the kids.<p>I addressed one of his problems with our marriage, you know....the one about us "growing apart". I'm sure you've all heard it too. I told him that I agreed with him that we had grown apart. While I was busy raising our kids and keeping up with the house and working, he was busy supporting us financially. I told him that I wouldn't have called it "growing apart" but would have called it "real life". I said that now is the time that we should be growing back together: our kids are grown and can take care of themselves, and we have more money to go places and do things just the two of us. This is the time of our lives that we have been working toward for years, and now that it's finally here, we are separated and he is with someone else.<p>Before my H left Saturday evening, he said that he knows things can't continue like this and that I have given him a lot to think about. He said that he feels very bad about what he's been doing. To that I said "but not bad enough to do something about it?" and he said "I'm getting very close to that." which I took to mean that maybe he is getting close to breaking it off with OW, but it may just be wishful thinking on my part, maybe he's getting close to breaking it off with me. Who knows? <p>Another thing that I asked him about was if we were going to do anything for our "26th" anniversary. (Do we even "celebrate" an anniversary if we are separated?????) I said that maybe we could go out to dinner and he said sure, but our anniversary is over a month away and we'll talk about it later,and he didn't say anything more about that.<p>At one point I offered him a drink, which he took but said only one, no more. I asked him (laughing) if he thought I was going to get him drunk to have sex with him. And he looked at me in a very surprised way and said "After all of this, you would still have sex with me?" I told him that I love him and of course I would. <p>Do you think that the Saturday night conversation was a major LB? Should I have just let things go along as they are until H decided to talk about things? And should I have some sort of time line in my mind as to when he should make his "decision". I was thinking possibly having our anniversary date (May 15) as my personal deadline for an answer before I move on as if he is no longer a part of my life. I will not give him a date to decide because I don't want him to feel like it's an ultimatum, but I think I need a target date for his decision for my own sanity.<p>I don't know what to think anymore. I am still trying to stay unemotional about all of this, but last night was a bad night for me. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I guess I was just under the impression that if he really wants to be with me, he would be with me. As it stands, he says it's still 50/50 on who he wants to be with. Actually, I think he would be quite content to let things go along the way they are right now, but I am the one that feels that I need to know SOMETHING, one way or the other. I feel like he is just stringing me along, just in case things don't work out with her. I am at my wit's end trying to decide what to do with my future. If H wants to come back, I certainly would welcome him with open arms (and a few conditions, namely NO contact with OW, and marriage counseling).
If anybody can give me any insight on any of this, I would greatly appreciate it. I know this post is long and confusing, but this is how my life has been these past 4 months. I have been reading the other posts here and it seems that the people here have such great advice to give others. I hope you can do the same for me.<p>Thank you soooo much,<p>Mary

The more time you spend on here, the more you realise that we all have the same stories. Yes, there are slight variations, but the similarities are far too numerous to discount.<p>You have yourself a typical WS fence sitter. You are in plan A right now, hoping to show your H that YOUR side of the fence is the best one to be on. He's got the best of both worlds right now, and has absolutely no reason to change things.<p>It's your turn to take action. You need to set up your boundaries. I do not remember any of your previous posts, but from this one, I don't see too much of how it is you are plan Aing YOU. Have you made those changes to be a better person? Actually... you must have... if your H is feeling 50/50 about coming home or staying with the OW, right?<p>Hmmm... you are in a tough situation. It is vitally important that you protect yourself right now. In a way, it is good that your children are older, and can make many decisions on their own. They can also help you in making yours. What do THEY think about you moving out of the house and into a condo? The ultimate decision is yours of course, and IMO, a great effort of protection for yourself would be to move to the condo... but I'm not in your situation, and I don't have to live with any of the effects of the actions either.<p>It doesn't sound to me as though you LB'd the other night. You might need to learn how not to focus on such little things, and keep your eyes on the big picture. I know all too well about that 'walking on eggshells' feeling when talking to our WS's. It's awful!!! And it really affects our self esteem. The easiest way around it, is that if you think about everything you say BEFORE you say it, and if you think it just might be an LB, then just don't say it. There are obvious things that will always be an LB (like telling our WS's that in order for reconciliation to occur, the OP will have to be out of the picture), but life isn't always a bed of roses, is it?<p>Keep on reading here, and post as much as you can. From experience I can assure you that the more you post and answer others, the more responses you'll get in your own threads. Comfort with familiarity I guess. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Topie, <p>Thanks so much for your reply. <p>I agree that H is a fence sitter right now. At least it is better than it was in the beginning when he told me that OW was the one he wanted to be with and not me. That was when I started to make some changes for ME. Since I had lost 25 lbs due to IBS brought on by the discovery of his A, I figured I'd continue to lose weight, but in a healthier way. Weight was never an issue with H, but I wanted to do this for ME. <p>I have also become a much more understanding and compassionate person. The one area that I need work in (as you probably have guessed) is in the patience department. This uncertainty is driving me crazy. <p>His living arrangements are really scarey for me. I feel that when he thinks of life with me he thinks of all the responsibilities that come along with it. When he thinks of life with her where he has NO responsibilities, it's all good times and fun between them. Right now they have no "real life" situations to face together. She still has her H there and they are the ones that are in "real life" together. Sometimes I actually WANT H and OW to live together on their own so that he can see what life with her would really be like. Right now I feel that he really does have the best of both worlds. She is taking care of all of his needs with no rocky times between them. I guess this is another area I need to work on....not being concerned about what their life is like, but being more concerned about what my life is like. I am just so afraid that he will never come back, and even though I know that I will be okay, I still get very, very upset to be facing the rest of my life alone. <p>I know I have a loooonnggg way to go and I am trying to take it one day at a time, but every now and then it all comes slamming back to me. When I read about how sometimes it takes years for these things to be resolved, one way or another, I just get a panicky feeling inside. I have had weeks at a time where I just know that I can do this, and then "poof" the confidence is gone.<p>I would love to respond and help other people that are in as much pain as I am in, but I don't know how I can help them when I can't seem to help myself. <p>I talked to H last night about the anniversary thing and suggested that we go away for a few days together. At first he said "I don't know", so I so okay. Later in the conversation he asked what kind of plans I had in mind. I suggested we go to a place my uncle has down the shore, then we could have a basically "free" vacation and just visit the area zoo and walk on the beach. Before we hung up he said that it was okay with him if we did that. I think his hesistancy with this is based on what kind of reaction he will get from OW. Back in February H came here and wanted to stay the night and when he told her, she flipped out on him, saying things like "after all I've done for you, you are going to do this, blah, blah, blah." It just boggles my mind as to the nerve these OW have. After all, I am still his wife.<p>Sorry for rambling on and on, but it feels good to talk to someone that isn't "judging" me for the choices I am making. Unless a person has been through this nightmare, they really don't understand the tremendous emotions that are involved. I know that I was guilty of the same thing prior to my own dealings with my H having an A. Thus, one of the reasons I have become a more compassionate person. I will never again judge anyone for choices they make concerning their lives. We really must do what feels right for us, and not what looks right to other people.<p>Thanks again for your reply. It really did help.<p>Mary

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by stilluvim:
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I would love to respond and help other people that are in as much pain as I am in, but I don't know how I can help them when I can't seem to help myself. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>One of the healing methods I have found, is to reply to posts just lending an empathy shoulder by sharing past or current similarities. <p>I am a talker. And that can sometimes come out on here too (hehehe). So, especially at the beginning of my MB time, I felt the need to share a LOT of my experiences (be it in my own threads, or on others). It really helped me to see what I needed to do. It helped me to release much of the frustration that gets built up inside during a situation like this. Just as journal writing is important, I preferred using the MB boards, because IMO it is an "interactive journal". I adore feedback of all kinds to help me pick and choose what is the best course of action for myself.<p>If you're not comfortable posting on here as much, then I would suggest that you get your own journal started (it doesn't have to be in a diary - you can use your word processor on your pc).<p>Please try to come on here and vent more during your down days if you need to. You know that there are so many of us on here who know and understand every little feeling you are going through. And of course, come and share your good days with us too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep focusing on YOU. You're doing a great job! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] And good luck on the patience front. I haven't mastered that one either. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen