My wife's affair started in November. D-Day was 2/21. Since I found out, My wife has given me the standard.."I need time, I don't know what I want"..routine, while I've expressed my willingness to try and save our marriage
She wants to separate, and plans to move out on the 16th to "be alone". Today, I learned that my wife's apartment is 2 doors down from the OM's.<p>During a recent conversation with her, I told her I had some things to say to the OM, and would visit him. She said if I felt that was necessary, to "go for it".
As long as he keeps his mouth shut and listens to what I have to say, I'll say my piece, then walk away.
I havent decided when I'll go see OM, but I'm torn as to whether or not I should tell my W that I know where he's living. I feel she's been lying to me all along, and that she has a plan.
We have a 4 year old daughter, and custody could be a sticky issue.

As much as you might feel it necessary to 'go for it', and have a 'talk' to the OM, I would strongly advise against it. Unless this man does NOT know that he is involved with a married woman (your W!), then there is really no point. <p>Whatever you say to him will just roll off of him like water off of a duck's back. And whatever he would remember you saying would only be thrown back to your W in HIS words. And you know what that would be, right? A MAJOR LB towards YOU. <p>So, in general, if you want to aim for recovery, and execute a great plan A (which includes NO LOVE BUSTING! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), then do NOT go and see this OM. The last thing you want is for your actions to push them closer together because of their interpretted 'victim' status.<p>Karen

There is no chance of recovering unless your wife cuts off all contact with the OM. It is clear that she was lying to you. In reality she will be living with the OM. You may wish to contact a lawyer to protect your legal and financial rights.
I wish you luck.

I agree with Topie on the not communicating with OM thing. <p>How did you learn that the OM lives 2 doors down? That may determine whether or not you should mention it to your wife.<p>I hate that your circumstances bring you here, but welcome to Marriage Builders, and this is an excellent place to learn some things that MAY help you save your marriage, and WILL help you grown and learn, if you allow it to happen. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please read all you can on the MB web-site and read and post questions often. There are favorite links in the signatures of some of us that will direct you to some useful info to get started with.<p>As Topie alluded to, there's little you can really do to end your W's affair. A lot of what we BS's do as reacctions in the beginning push the WS's right out the door and into the arms of the OP. You'll want to being plan A as soon as possible - for YOU - and for the best chances of saving your marriage.<p>Tell us a little more about your marriage as well - if you like. How long you've been married - kids? - etc.<p>Hang in there!

<<<How did you learn that the OM lives 2 doors down? That may determine whether or not you should mention it to your wife.>>><p>I found the address of a phone number saved on her cell phone. I drove by this place and saw the OM's vehicle parked there. Literally a 3 minute walk from where my WW will be living.<p><<Tell us a little more about your marriage as well - if you like. How long you've been married - kids? - etc.>>><p>My W and I have been together almost 8 years, married for almost 2 years, and have a 4 year old daughter. My wife's main complaint about our Marriage is that I never showed her enoungh affection, we don't do things together, and that I was emotionally closed.
My wifes affair began in mid November. In mid January, we had a talk about our relationship, and she suggested a separation....I was against it.
After I tested positive for an STD, I confronted her in mid Feb, and she confessed to the A.
I told her I wanted to try and save our M, she replied that she doesn't know what she wants, needed time and space etc.......
She claims that she hasn't been seeing the OM over the last 2 months, but does speak with him.
I suspect that she has been seeing the OM but cant prove it.
In our talks about separating, I told her I felt she should be the one to move out due to the circumstances. She disagreed at first, but finally agreed and found an apartment last week.
Our daughter has been an issue. I felt she should stay here with me, and see my W on weekends. My wife felt the opposite.
We have since agreed on a schedule which that is about 50-50.
In discussing the boundries of our separation, my wife says she intends not to see OM, and that she needs to be alone to "fix herself" and figure out what she wants. I told her I wasn't going to tell her what to do, but that I needed to know if she planned on seeing OM....just so I know where I stand.
Still lots to talk about.
Still confused as to what to do.

maximus,<p>I'm hoping you'll get some more support out here from these wonderful MB'ers. Seems there's several newbies right now, and it takes a little while to get to know you all! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Many of us feeeeeeel your pain, brother. If you've been reading on these boards at all, you'll see many similar stories. The Mother-ship sends out the same instructions to all the WS alien-abductees. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Read up on Plan A, and start taking care of yourself. There truly is little you can do to "convince" your wife of anything. Make some changes in yourself - like the things you mentioned (affection, emotionally open, time together, etc) and demonstrate them to her - ACTIONS mean a lot!!! Figure out what LB's are to HER (usually selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying behaviors, and angry outbursts) and avoid those at all costs.<p>It sounds like you're on the right track. Eliminat the questions about the OM and the "relationship talks" though. You can almost bet your life that she'll be seeing him.<p>Hope that helps a little. Hang around and read and post often!

<<<<<Read up on Plan A, and start taking care of yourself. There truly is little you can do to "convince" your wife of anything. Make some changes in yourself - like the things you mentioned (affection, emotionally open, time together, etc) and demonstrate them to her - ACTIONS mean a lot!!!>>>>><p>Thank you for the replies, and support.
I started Plan A back in mid January. A problem with plan A for me, is that in some ways, it has led to my feeling like a doormat, and a fool.
My wife told me that she has definately noticed the positive changes in me lately...which I guess is good. However, my trust in her is very thin right now. She says she hasn't thought of divorce, but she has seen a lawyer. My daughter is a very sensitive issue as well. Although we have agreed to a 50-50 arrangement, I can't help but feel that after a while, she'll want more than that.
Man...there is just too much to think about.

You're right, it is a LOT to think about. But remember, you're only human. Your marriage didn't get to the point it's at overnight, and it won't get fixed quickly either. Time, patience, and consistency are the words us MBers try to live by.<p>Being in plan A should NOT make you feel like a doormat. Although part of plan A is about meeting the EN's of our spouses, it is more about becoming better us's. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] If you are getting stressed out by your efforts, then take some time for YOU. A few days? A week? Do something special for YOU, and maybe your dd too? <p>And please, do NOT feel like a fool!!! You are NOT a mindreader, you are only responsible for YOUR half of the marriage problems, and you are a wonderful and caring person! Your W should be THRILLED that you want to work on your M after she hurt you like she did. However, the fog is very thick, and often takes many months and many hurts to clear.<p>Karen

I've been working very hard on myself. I've changed alot over the last 3 months. I've tried to be there for my wife as much as possible....and she has noticed the changes.
Problem is, I get the impression that she just can not wait to move out of here on tuesday.....she hasn't said it, but she gives the impression that she's looking foreward to it...so she can do whatever she wants without guilt.
I feel like a doormat.....like I've been making beds in a burning house.
What really kills me, is that she says she wants to spend sundays together.....and I'm not sure its a good idea....especially for our daughter. Its bound to confuse her.
I get more confused by the day.

One more thing. Lately, I've had a strong urge to confront the OM of late. Now that I know where he lives, its worse.
I'm not interested in a physical confrontation, but I want to stand right in front of him, look him in the eye, and tell him what I think of him, and the choice he made. He obviously hasn't considered my daughter at all. I called him on the phone on D-Day, and told him to back off and let my wife and I sort this through. I also told him my Daughter was THE MOST important thing, and that I wouldn't tolerate her being hurt.
He obviously has ignored this, and doesnt care about anything except himself.
Not sure when I'll go see him, if at all, but I definately feel like I should.

maximus,
I can understand your frustration and concern for your daughter. My heart goes out to you. I've been lucky in my situation to not have any kids to be affected by all this.<p>I hope you are reading up on this forum - at the other posts - especially ones concerning kids. sad dad, Indy, and worthatry are 3 fellas off the top of my head that have dealt/are dealing with custody issues. Look around at some of their posts - sad dad has a recent one in the last day or two. <p>About the OM. You said you confronted him already, and it went in one ear and out the other. YEP!!! So if you talk to him again, you'll get the same result. Reminds me of a funny saying, "You can't teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and irritates the pig." Trying to talk sense to a WS or an OP usually only frustrates us, and gives them more fuel for their fire. Please resist the temptation to say anything to him. I don't recall seeing on this forum ANY time that contacting the OP has helped the situation at all. I could be wrong. THere may be one or two incidences. BUt I remember MANY stories of futile attempts.<p>As far as the Sunday visits, IMHO (and I could be wrong), I think they are a good thing. A good oppurtunity for you to fill your W's needs, and continue demonstrating the wonderful husband and father you are. Your daughter will also gain a lot of respect for you, and confidence in herself in her situation (whichever way it leads down the road) - - > to SEE you making every respectful attempt to keep your family together - to show your W you love her - and to change and grow yourself.<p>As far as custody goes, I'd like to encourage you to stand your ground. If your W is involved with another man, you are the better parent for her to be with. So please, don't give in to granting your W any more custody rights if separation or divorce agreements are adjusted. Don't deny your W the right to see her daughter, but let your W make the CHOICE to walk away from you and the family.<p>JMHO...<p>Hang in there...<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

<<<As far as the Sunday visits, IMHO (and I could be wrong), I think they are a good thing. A good oppurtunity for you to fill your W's needs, and continue demonstrating the wonderful husband and father you are. Your daughter will also gain a lot of respect for you, and confidence in herself in her situation (whichever way it leads down the road) - - > to SEE you making every respectful attempt to keep your family together - to show your W you love her - and to change and grow yourself.>>><p>Im still undecided on whether or not the Sundays together will be good or bad. I just don't want to confuse my daughter......although I would enjoy the "family time".<p><<<As far as custody goes, I'd like to encourage you to stand your ground. If your W is involved with another man, you are the better parent for her to be with. So please, don't give in to granting your W any more custody rights if separation or divorce agreements are adjusted. Don't deny your W the right to see her daughter, but let your W make the CHOICE to walk away from you and the family.>>><p>I intend to. I'll go along with the 50/50 arrangement if my wife will. If she ever decides she wants more than that, I'll fight it to the end.
Problem is, if my W just decides one day to keep her and violate our agreement... it becomes an uphill battle.

I know how much it tears at you wanting to confront OM- when my H started an affair with a co worker I had to sit on my hands to stop me ringing her and telling her what I thought. H later told me that if I had he would have been straight out of the door to HER.
As for Sundays, my H comes to see my boys on a Saturday and we often have family times together. The kids appreciate them and as he is living away from us its the only chance i have to demonstrate the new me. Hope thoings get sorted soon for all your sakes. Jante