You said :
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> posted April 09, 2002 08:54 PM
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I am never coming here again. I just wanted help!! <hr></blockquote><p>Did I miss something? Why did you say this? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I believe that I am the cause of this with my bs's insane thread. I really didn't mean to hurt meara or anyone else. Hold on..it's so hard to talk with my foot in my mouth.<p>Meara, please don't leave because of me. I am my own worst enemy. <p>My post only meant that it's incredible to me how much the Wayward Spouses expect the Betrayed Spouses to put up. And it wasn't anything personal toward you. Please don't let me stop you from benefiting from this site. It is great and there a good number of people who can help here.<p>I am sorry.

aaahhhh. I see... I guess I understood what I *thought* you meant, diddallas. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] make sense? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] But I guess I can see how some might be hurt a little by your question.<p>hmmmm.....<p>meara.... we ARE here to try to help you. Stick around for a bit and see that we're good people.<p>I'm soooo sorry for your pain. Many of us know where you're coming from, and admire you for wanting to fight for your marriage.<p>U still out there?

MEARA ..........don't go .... you need the practice of standing up for yourself ... practice right here on MB ... practice with us how you can stand up and be strong when faced with opposition or hurt.<p>Diddallas has made her apology ... she was not intending to hurt or confuse you Meara ... but her intent got all tangled up with her outrage at YOUR husbands behaviour.<p>PLEEEZE stay.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

ditto the others<p>I also suspect you were reacting to diddallas' "insane" post. I sincerely believe she meant no insults and was actually intending to be compassionate to BSs. But, I can very much understand how it may have come across in the opposite manner to you.<p>Please stick around. I bet diddallas would become a source of insight for you.

^ ^ bump for meara ^ ^ u still lurking?

I am still here. I just hurt so incredibly bad. I feel like I could snap at any moment. <p>He is keeping up the insanity of choir. He said he wants to show her that she doesn't bother him. Then he said I don't want to let THEM down. I said "what about me , what about letting ME down" I just feel like a fool one day, and a marter the next. How can someone be so stupid!! <p>I don't want her to win! It drives her nuts that he won't leave me. The hicky she gave ,she did on pourpose. She told him, I don't get it if I were your wife I would have kicked you out long ago. Why won't you leave!! So I feel like in a sense I have her. I don't want to kick him out, and she sais there, yesssssssss! <p>I know it is hard to read alot of the posts here, but I do find help. I am sorry I sound so stupid. I just want to be strong, I pray , and light my candle when I can't pray. <p>I am taking care of myself. In a sense I feel sorry for him because it is aparent he doesn't care much about himself now,nothing will fill him up but God, and his own love for himself. Not even me. <p>Sometimes I feel so lonly, so useless, and dead. I just don't know. He won't even talk to the priest now, He is very hateful to me. I am here, I don't want to be just like everyone elese doesn't, but...

Hi Meara!!! I'm glad you're still lurking. This place SURE has been a life saver for me. It's not perfect - but it's the best thing I had to help me through. And it still helps me.<p>I have to get some work done, but I'll be in and out, k?<p>I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Have you asked your doc about anti-d's? I resisted for a while, but when I finally decided to try them I was soooo thankful.<p>Please try to relax, mentally picture yourself giving your H and all this mess to God. He is capable of straightening all this out. And let Him wrap you in his comfort and peace.<p>Are you at work today? or at home? Can you go take a long walk - a bubble bath - read your Bible - work in the yard.... there's little you can do to "convince" your H of anything, and you are only hurting yourself by worrying about what the OW thinks.<p>Well, I better git - I'll check in later. Hang in there with us k?<p>{{{{{{{{meara}}}}}}}}}}

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by meara:
<strong>I don't want her to win! </strong><hr></blockquote><p>meara - I recommend you try real hard NOT to waste any brain cells on her. She is just about irrelevant. Yes, she needs to be out of the picture before your marriage can begin healing, but she cannot possibly "win" anything except the scorn of everybody else. Please, please, please do not act or speak in response to anything she does.<p>In contrast, this is only about you and your H. There is nothing you can do to change what your H is doing. That leaves you. You are the only one you can change and nobody BUT you can change you unless you allow it. Please focus on YOU winning.
Get hot on your Plan A and start walking tall and proud. NOTHING she can do can diminish YOU unless you give her that power. YOU can do EVERYTHING to raise up yourself to this challenge. By worrying about her, you are giving her power over changing you. Take it back.

meara, I don't know all of your story, but some of it sounds really close to what I am going through.<p>You are getting some good advice here, take time for yourself and try not to focus on what the OW is doing. I know how hard that is, and believe me I have made many, many mistakes regarding that. But you can only change you and that is for me one of the most difficult things to accept about this whole process! But you can make yourself feel better, take time each day to review something you are proud of and compliment yourself for it. I loved the suggestion of practing standing up for yourself in the formum, I know for myself standing up has also been another hard lesson to learn. Remember you are special!!!!<p>One book that has helped me, along with SA and other of Harley's books, is one called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It is written for spouse of alcholics, but as we are learning an affair is really a type of an addicition. This book is a daily short devotional book with topics listed in the back to help you through the particular feeling of the day. It was a lifeline for me in the beginning and a GREAT help now when I feel I am slipping into old patterns!<p>Hang in there, it is hard but I bet if you looked at yourself you can already see tremendous growth, after all we have faced something so big, and so much and we are still breathing and we are still believing in ourselves!<p>Maybe this will help, it is a prayer for February 11, in the book I suggested. "I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided."<p>Take care of you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

In diddallas' defense, I have to say I know how she feels. It is so painful to the reader sometimes to read the horrific abuse that many BS' tolerate. It's hard to have a shread of compassion for people and to read about this abuse without exploding sometimes. I think diddallas just exploded at the horrific injustice of it all and I know how she feels! I also felt angry at your H when I read your post, Meara, so please stay and know that diddallas' heart is in the right place.

bump for meara... how's it goin today?

Well last night was hard again. It seems all I can do is cry. He keeps saying mean things(which he eventually said he is just going to not say nothing now) He wants me to leave him alone,and quit trying to get him to go to the priest(he thinks I am controlling him by this) He wants to come around on his own.<p>He told me befor that that he is mad at me, because if he would have left he could have been happy. He only stayed because I could comit suicide, or go to a mental hospital, or the kids would be sad, and his family would make her life hard.
Well I am just going to ignor him, and not make his lunches, and not do anything extra. I am going to try to consentrate on me. I am going to w.w. I am going to try harder to get a p.t. job.

They have gotten mad at each other befor. How do Iknow it will stick this time. She has told me she is week(I have other names for her). I have begged him , if he is going to continue it get out. Why won't he get out if I gave him the choice? I have days I just want out, and others I want to tell him I am here for him. There is alot of evidence he said that points she wanted out. <p>He still won't go to the preist with me. So I am just going myself Friday. What if I insisted he make her a no contact , it is over letter?(he would probably just say I am controlling,he was going to do this but hasn't yet)<p>We had a journal we were supposed to be writting in, he said it is bull $---. He won't write in there. Only 6 words. He won't do anything productive, and when I try to say we should he gets defensive, and sais I am controlling. Uggg<p>What to do, I am just a fool....

Hi meara! Good to hear from you.<p>A few things I'd like to respond to:<p>"He wants me to leave him alone,and quit trying to get him to go to the priest(he thinks I am controlling him by this) He wants to come around on his own."<p>He's right. As hard as it is, bite your tongue. Let him work through this. The more you push, the more he'll resist, or walk away.<p>"He told me befor that that he is mad at me, because if he would have left he could have been happy. He only stayed because I could comit suicide, or go to a mental hospital, or the kids would be sad, and his family would make her life hard." <p>Listen when he says things to you - respect him for sharing his feelings. However, realize that a lot of this is "blame" - he's looking for reasons to feel better about his affair. So don't let these things bother you, k?<p>"Well I am just going to ignor him, and not make his lunches, and not do anything extra. I am going to try to consentrate on me. I am going to w.w. I am going to try harder to get a p.t. job."<p>Well, I think this is a good step for you. Try not to be rude or disrespectful, but some boundaries are ok. YES - take care of yourself. Give yourself some time to level out a little more emotionally. BUT, Plan A is about learning to meet his needs. You should try your best to meet the needs that you can. <p>"He still won't go to the preist with me. So I am just going myself Friday."<p>Good [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>"What if I insisted he make her a no contact , it is over letter?(he would probably just say I am controlling,he was going to do this but hasn't yet)"<p>"Insisting" is a selfish demand, and should be avoided. Request that he write a letter. Offer to help him. Explain to him that you need him to do this in order to feel security. But you can't push or demand.<p>"What to do, I am just a fool...."<p>WORK on Plan A. Work on yourself. Take CARE of yourself. Eliminate LB's (you DO have to identify them first. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ). Identify his biggest EN's, and fill them. <p>Have you talked to your doctor about anti-depressants?<p>Hang in there. keep posting and reading.