This topic has been discussed many times in the past. My hubby is home after a three stint in an out of state prison institution. After being home for less than 72 hours, he goes "out" with a family member and I'm not invited. This creates a lot of internal stress for me and I let him know it when he came home three hours later. They had visited a local gin joint after having a nice dinner at another restaurant/bar. And, of course, the gin joint that they selected was a place where he often visited with his former (or so he says) OW. In fact, I went there long ago after receiving an anonymous phone call from there to please come and get my drunken husband. After going into the bar to drag him out.....I encountered him and his OW having a hellava good time. And, he refused to come home with me. Not a good scene or a good memory. Images such as this cause havoc on my mind.<p>Yet.....tonight he visits the place to have a couple of drinks with his relative. Yes, the place is under new management but that doesn't hold water for me. It's the same bar at the same location and I cringe when I near the place even while driving in my car.<p>Knowing that he went there and the realization that the relative knows of my concern has set me back into the ice age [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] What get's my bird is that he hasn't a clue as to why I'm distraught over his going there. First of all, he went without ME which is nothing unusual for him. That in itself ticked me off to no end. He always went without me while he was having his cake and eating it, too! Things were going to be different now that he was back home and was willing to work on our marriage. The other thing that gets my goat is that his relative is well aware of his past indiscretion with this woman and claims to have no idea that this little visit would trigger my insecurities. I let her know otherwise.....rather hastily, I might add. Now he's angry at me for being upset with him.<p>How on Earth can I get pass these triggers when I know that it will happen again and again. When he was gone for all those years, I grew confident and independent. Now that he's home, I feel the complete oppposite. And I'm not liking it [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</p>

Hi GeezLouise.<p>I saw your post the other day about your hubby coming home and I was just thinking about posting to see how you were- and then I saw your post.
I'm glad to see he is home, but sad to see what is happening. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know that you were trying to apply Marriage Builders via the mail while he was away...how did that go? Have you two commited to doing the Policy of Joint Agreement, etc. with each other?
If so, I think this type of circumstance would be perfect to try and refine those skills.<p>If not, have you two agreed on certain things for the recovery of your marriage? <p>I'm sorry you are feeling low. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: Raskal ]</p>

Thanks for your reply, Raskal! You were the first member to acknowledge my very first post and I'll always be grateful for your kindness.<p>To be quite honest, although my hubby has stated his interest in recouping a happy marriage, he is not fully aware of the MB principles and how they work. This is a major step that needs to be addressed in our relationship. Because without these basics, we are surely doomed. Unfortunately, I've always been the one to do the legwork while he reaped the benefits. I hope that this is not the situation in our future. I need to sit down with him without interference so that I can explain what it is going to take on both of our parts to get this marriage back onto the right track. He is very hardheaded and self-righteous and I'll need to penetrate that tough exterior. Either he'll work on us or he won't.<p>As you can see, we've had our first major disagreement since he's been home for only a short period of time. He went off to bed telling me that he isn't going to argue with me and I didn't think that I was arguing.....just telling him my feelings. That is a major problem....he thinks that if my thoughts aren't in line with his that they don't count. At least, that's what I sense from his attitude. Yep, we are at a major road block and need to get our heads together to see how we can turn this obstacle into something that is to our advantage. <p>Wish me luck.....I'll need all that and then some, LOL!<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</p>

Hi Essex Gal - I just wanted to validate your feelings and say I'm confident you know what to do. Just don't be in a hurry, OK?<p>Think it'll be a scarce season for #1 jimmies?<p>WAT

Hi again GeezLouise!<p>I am always happy to see your posts, as I wish you all the best...<p>Well, I hope things are going better for you two by now. I am praying for you.<p>I hope you have been able to discuss with your hubby how you would like to meet his needs, recover your marriage, etc. <p>Anyway, just checking on ya. Keep venting here, as I am sure this is both a joyful and stressful time for you.

Hi GeezLouise. <p>I just wanted to say that as a WS I acknowledge and know your feelings matter. I know it's not the same as if it were to come from your husband, but hopefully he will come to the same deep understanding that I reached on this.<p>As for those triggers. . . Urgh! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] They are a damper. My husband has them too, and we both wish they would go away. I have learned something though, and explained this to him last night while talking about the very topic. That the more you TRY to make them go away the tighter they will hold onto you. You need to ALLOW them ease and go at their own pace. It may take awhile, but that's ok. <p>I hope you and your husband can have some productive talks on this in the near future. He really needs to respect how this affects you. I am sure there are plenty of other bars to choose from to visit.<p>My best to you and your family. Take care, and keep your chin up. It's not an easy road to travel, but it's not impossible. Peace and strength to you. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]