(This is a repost from the last message of my Recovery thread. See my signature for the link to the thread.)<p>A lot has happened since my last update. Things have improved greatly. We have re-established our physical relationship (using POJA and the book, After the Affair) and we are/were growing closer and closer everyday.<p>Then I dropped a bomb on her.<p>Through all of my reading, I have been growing emotionally and spiritually more mature. I have struggled with both for a long time. From reading Torn Asunder and from reading Marriage Magazine, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to do some confessing myself. I want my wife to love the real me, not just the part I care to share with her. I also want to love her in a manner that puts her first, even higher than our marriage. To do so, I had to be honest with her. I had to give up the control I had maintained by keeping a secret and allow her to have complete control over her life. I am trying to love her as Jesus would.<p>When I learned of my wife's A, I ordered a test kit to detect semen on her underwear. I told her about this last night. The tests never cam back positive likely because the OM always used a condom. I also installed software on her computer to let me know what she would be writing. I unistalled it when she moved back in with me. I told her about this last night as well.<p>Lastly, I told her about a one-night stand I had when we were dating. The only thing I can think of why I did it was fear of commitment. It was a stupid way for me to test my love for my girlfriend. Too bad I did not know at that time that love is something you do, not something you feel. In trying to determine how I felt, I acted in an unloving manner. As it turns out, I felt so horrible that I was not able to finish the one-night stand. I ended it just as it started. I have carried around my guilt and self-loathing over it for almost five years. I knew it was keeping me from having the intimacy with my wife that I wanted but I was not mature enough at the time to be honest with her. Ever since that night, I knew that I never wanted that to happen again. I knew, for all the wrong reasons, that I wanted to be with my girlfriend, now wife, for the rest of my life and I made sure to cheat/affair-proof my relationship from then on. I spent an entire year on the road recruiting students at college campuses and I made sure as to not allow myself to get into any situation that would be dangerous or innapropriate and I continued such behavior once we were married.<p>I risked all last night in tell her this - that status of our recovery, our renewed physical relationship, even the future of our marriage. All of those things are very important to me but not as important as loving my wife as God would have me do.<p>We were scheduled to go to MC tonight (our weekly time) but instead we are going seperately. Please pray for us - that God will guide both of us to do his will. I know my wife has no reason to believe me (and in fact, has every reason not to believe me) but I have no other secrets from her. I cannot imagine a secret that would be bigger than the one I shared last night.
