J.R. (and others)... Original post: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016996<p>I did pick up SAA. A shocker, eye-opener. It's gonna be an uphill battle...this EA is strong but not quite up to the example given (thank God). Has a slight "fling" aspect to it.<p>Last night some light shown through the fog, but more of a reality check. She said, "If I divorced you, I could never marry him. He would be an S.O. He's poor and financial security is important. And he doesn't drive (due to OM's alcholic father dying in car crash). BUT, I love him. If I went back to you, nothing would change. I don't love you." Slight encouragement, but just a sign that I've got my work cut out. I simply responded, "No, if you just 'come back' and we don't make changes, it will happen all over again, or at least you'll be unhappy". (end of conversation, for now...I see further negotiating ahead).<p>After picking up SAA, I'm looking for clues as to what's keying the EA. Admiration level is high...he's a "struggling artist", slightly eccentric, etc. I'm sure he LOVES the admiration from her--especially a WS willing to risk it ALL, for him! There must be other elements, of course.<p>Plan A: I'm still diagnosing her own, particular(peculiar?) emotional needs. I worry about asking what he does for her...too painful to hear, could easily trigger LB'ers since I would be unfairly compared. How, then, do I get a clue??? For now, I just apply basic stuff: (1) Accept her feelings without condition. (2) Accentuate those needs I'm already 100% sure of: a) stay keen to humor, even during the difficult moments b) conversation c) attentiveness d) kindness. Any others?

Hi Mark,<p>>>> this EA is strong but not quite up to the example given (thank God). Has a slight "fling" aspect to it <<<<p>Yeah, don't underestimate this thing... as was said by Dr.Harley in SAA, these things have a tendency, given enough time, to turn from EA to PA quite easily... Don't want to sound like a pessimist, but others have said that unless the WS turns around quite quickly, showing remorse, etc. - get ready for the "long haul".<p>>>> He's poor and financial security is important <<<<p>Huh, go figure... for my WW, the fact that he's poor is ROMANTIC! (He's pretty much penniless, a student, and I'm making VERY good $)<p>>>> I don't love you <<<<p>If you can let statements like this roll off your back... you'll be doing fabulous... just realize that she's an alien abductee, and her tune will SLOWLY change over time, if you Plan A well.<p>>>> How, then, do I get a clue <<<<p>You COULD ask her to fill out the EN questionaire. She might not do it, though (mine didn't). It would show some initiative to understand her on your part, which would be good.<p>In my case, WW has demonostrated a pattern of behavior (this is her second A - didn't know about the first until after d-day). So although I have accepted my share of the responsibility for the A - and have worked on changing myself - one must accept that the full responsibility for Problem #2 (the A itself) and 50% of Problem #1 (the environment that allowed it) is HERS to bear. Only SHE can pull her head out of her butt and start addressing that. She has yet to do so, even though she was able to recognize this concept of Problem #1 vs. #2 herself.<p>>>> (1) Accept her feelings without condition. <<<<p>To a large degree, you have to. What's the alternative, really? Arguing and reasoning do NOT work generally speaking.<p>>>> (2) Accentuate those needs I'm already 100% sure of: a) stay keen to humor, even during the difficult moments b) conversation c) attentiveness d) kindness. <<<<p>Yup...<p>>>> Any others? <<<<p>Develop a PLAN for yourself - to keep you sane. Should include the kinds of things you've mentioned, timeframes, checkpoints, etc. Check out the post "The Misapplication of Plan A" - should be in notable posts... And come HERE to vent!