Quick question where I would love to get your input. First a bit of background: I discovered a month ago that my S has had a 2 year relationship with another (see my post on 'just found out). She's is currently away 'to get her thoughts in order' (read - she's with OM) but assures me she'll be coming back next week. I still love her, and - at least with regard to some emotional needs - she appreciates me too, still. <p>Next step of course is launching a serious plan A. Now - I've put a keystroke monitor onto the computer which enables me to read anything typed into the computer (that's how I scooped the password to her email account and how I found out originally about affair; made her beleive that she just forgot to close her email account).<p>Here's the question:<p>If I was to find during plan A that she maintains relationship with OM by email, what shall I do?
- If I confront her with it, she well might ask how I knew - major Love Buster probably. And - I was to reveal the truth, then she might find other ways to liaise with OM (like, internet cafe)and I wouldn't have a clue anymore what was going on.<p>- If I don't, then I can't confront her<p>Of course, what I'm after here is MUTUAL TRUST, however, I still do do want to know what's going on between WS and OM (someone on this board called it 'necessary affair research' I beleive).<p>So - confront or not confront? monitor email at all or not?<p>Any views / experiences highly appreciated.

That is the thing about snooping. Eventually, you will need to be honest about your actions. I don't recommend that you confront her unless you find that they are doing more than just chatting at this point.<p>If she is living back home, ASK for access. If you read the SAA book, you will see that it is important that she provide you access to all email and voicemail, and she should be accountable for her time and location. The same goes for you.<p>If she refuses you access, I would certainly monitor but be aware that it is a LB - but sometimes such cannot be avoided when you are attempting to protect your marriage.

OK Im a new member so I really dont know much. However I do feel the same as Mr. Bunkey ( is that name right?). I think you shouldnt confront her. Try to move on, try to trust her. When you feel you need to check up on her, then you have access. But if I were you I would NEVER let her know. What if you two totaly work through this and later on down the road she starts up again. You can check it out for yourself. Protect yourself but dont torture your self. You do have to let her go. You cant control her. And if she knows what your doing, she'll just find other ways to she OP ( if she is still seeing OP later on ).<p>I would LOVE< LOVE to know how you did that to your computer. Please tell me. <p>PI

PI - www.spectorsoft.com<p>If the two of you ever hope to have a truly intimate and spiritual relationship with your spouse, then you must have no secrets between you. Every little secret is a wall you build between the real you and your spouse.<p>Trusting your spouse with all the truth of who and what you are (and what you have done) allows you to be the most vulnerable you can possibly be with them. That vulnerability is part of intimacy.<p>I just told my wife two days ago about using such such software as well as a semem test kit, AND about a one-night stand I had when we were dating (we were supposed to be in a monogomous relationship at that time, 3 years prior to us being married - only time I was ever unfaithful to her). The one-night stand occured about five years ago but my girlfriend, now wife, still deserved to know. I was "controlling" her by not allowing her to know the truth. If you love your wife, you too will need to share the truth with them on your actions.<p>Obviously, my wife was not happy with my disclosure and it has set back our recovery. I know I risked our marriage by revealing the truth but I want to love my wife more than I do our marriage.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nfrei:
<strong>Here's the question:<p>If I was to find during plan A that she maintains relationship with OM by email, what shall I do?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Plan A is supposed to be a time for you to work on yourself. You learn to eliminate those behaviors that offend or upset your spouse, and you work on meeting the EN's that your spouse will let you meet. That's the short definition. Nowhere does it say that your Plan A work is conditional upon anything the spouse does or doesn't do. If you snoop, you may well find that she will maintain the relationship via email. That's an important data point but it does not mean that you should change your plan A behavior AT ALL. I can't tell you how many times I whined to Jennifer @ MB about my xw, and every time without exception she would tell me that it didn't matter what she was doing because no matter what, my job was to eliminate LB's and meet EN's. That's all there is to it.<p>So the direct answer to your question is this: If you find that she's still continuing the affair via email while you're in Plan A, you eliminate LB's and meet EN's.<p>The practicalities of life aren't quite so clear-cut though. Depending on the success of your Plan A, at some point your motivation to continue may falter. At that point you'll need to move to Plan B to protect what love you still have for her. You really need to get some professional coaching to figure out when that ought to happen and how to go about it. Call MB and talk to Steve or Jennifer.<p>Having been through this myself, here's what I'd change if I were able to have a do-over:<p>1) I'd snoop.
2) I'd never confront. <p>This was probably my biggest mistake. The confrontation itself is a huge LB, second only to the fact that you're snooping. You'll also lose an important source of information because she'll stop using your home pc and start using some other means of communicating with him - and believe me, there are plenty of ways.

This is some of the best advice I have read on this site... or anywhere for that matter.<p>I am in the same situation here and appreciate the input from all. Thank you so much!!!<p>I hate the snooping, but my hope is that my snooping will show that she is ending affair on her own after I continue to Plan A. That is my hope and prayer.

The first time I found out (4 years ago) it was when he left an email open. The second time he did it (3 years ago), a *friend* send me a copy of the chat room he was in. At that point, I told him I was going to monitor his email account, and he agreed wholeheartedly. After the third year, I stopped checking it regularly. As it turns out, starting with the fourth year, he began another EA, but this time kept it to Instant Messages thinking I'd never find out.<p>At this point, I've gotten quite good at ferreting out information, and at least for the foreseeable future, have no intention of stopping. Given our track record, it will take a long time for me to believe he isn't involved online, and I've told him that (although he still does not know how I found out about the most recent OEA).<p>If I do find something else? In my circumstance I have told him this is the end of the line, and that if it happens again I cannot continue. so, I would definitely confront him if I had my facts straight. Most people aren't dealing with this repetitive type of behavior though.

KS - In your case, you may want to set up an expectation - a boundary - that he not have access to the computer unless you are in the same room. Not unlike making sure a child is not visiting porn sites. Your H has proven that he cannot be trusted to monitor his own behavior in such a cirsumstance. I feel you have every right to do it for him.

I would definately continue to monitor her computer activity until and unless she has rebuilt the trust she destroyed. Pretending like an untrustworthy person is trustworthy is not the answer either. That is just putting your head in the sand and ignoring the problem. You would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person or afford her the same level of trust that you would a trustworthy person. She needs to actually earn it. <p>And one of the ways she earns your trust is by VERIFYING that she is being faithful. One of the ways you can verify it is through computer monitoring. <p>Anyway, if I were you I would protect my sources as long as possible. Dont' give them away becasue you need that protection. Becuase of that, I would be REAL careful what you divulge to her. If you are seeing minor, harmless things on the computer I wouldn't mention it. <p>But if you see evidence of contact, I would certainly confront the situation - but without divulging your source. It's not like you have to "prove" something that she knows and that you know. There is almost always a way around giving away your source, you just have to be creative, such as, "I have been told that you saw OM at such and such."

OK I have a question. How do you install the spectorsoft without the WS finding out. Wont it show up as an icon? My WH is pretty good with the computer, Im not so good. If I get it, how can I be sure he wont find out? <p>PI

Thanks everybody for their input. o2bsane's answer makes a lot of sense - will follow your advice.<p>Going through the answer trail of my question shows that there isn't consensus among those who have answered - but that's life, isn't it. <p>But I think the group's collective feedback is more or less along the lines of 1) focus on plan A 2) do snoop but don't confront 3) once trust is *fully* established then snooping might not be necessary anymore<p>Some technical feedback: can't remember which program I've installed but there are plenty of them around. just type in 'keystroke monitor' into google. all of them should be fairly easy to use. if you're not sure how, then maybe test-drive installation at another computer, eg. work before doing it at home.<p>
Haven't made up my mind yet whether installing it in the first place was the right thing to do or not. On one hand, I finally learnt what was going on, but suffering (WS too) as a result. Hell, a huge pit opened in front of me, got really scared, didn't know that I can be hurt THAT much. Maybe being ignorant would have been better, maybe the A would have died its natural death....? <p>No, tend to say that it WAS a good thing, as it brought finally all these issues out in the open.<p>Anyway - many thanks to everybody's input!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P I:
<strong>OK I have a question. How do you install the spectorsoft without the WS finding out. Wont it show up as an icon? My WH is pretty good with the computer, Im not so good. If I get it, how can I be sure he wont find out? <p>PI</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No, no icon, no listing in the Program list. No record of it at all except in the registry (which less than 1% of America would know how to check anyway - much less know what they were looking for).

Spying and all of this computer hacking will just make YOU crazy and fuel the excitement for her. I think the ability for the cheating spouse to talk to the other person online while you are doing dishes adds to the affair. Get rid of the software and try trust. You'll know. Put you energy into the relationship instead of driving youself crazy.

Hi Again,<p>Another Q, what about the "keystroke Monitor"? Will that show up at all? Can it be traced?<p>Sorry Nfrei , I know ( believe me I know ) it hurts. It hurts so bad. But just keep in mind that things happen for a reason. Maybe your marriage will become even stronger and grow from this? Maybe you will? Just dont beat yourself up for finding out. Whats done is done. And now its time to move forward, where ever that may take you. It doesnt have to mean DV. It just means move forward,get strength, learn from this, and try your hardest to get over the anger and the pain. I hope you feel better today? Im hurting today also. <p>Hang in there.<p>PI

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by trying101:
<strong>Spying and all of this computer hacking will just make YOU crazy and fuel the excitement for her. I think the ability for the cheating spouse to talk to the other person online while you are doing dishes adds to the affair. Get rid of the software and try trust. You'll know. Put you energy into the relationship instead of driving youself crazy.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Trusting my wife was what allowed the affair to continue. I had to hire a PI to find out that she was still with the OM.<p>The absolute worst thing you can do is trust an untrustworty person. You don't let a child molester babysit your child so why would you trust someone that has betrayed you and your marriage in the worst possible way with them not doing it again?<p>Trust must be earned. Until your spouse has recommitted to the marriage, you are within your right and it is your responsibility to protect your marriage in every way -- you are the only one that will. Once they have committed to recovery, then you can start making yourself vulnerable to trust again. It is simply foolhearty to do it while they may be still involved with the OP.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by trying101:
<strong>Spying and all of this computer hacking will just make YOU crazy and fuel the excitement for her. I think the ability for the cheating spouse to talk to the other person online while you are doing dishes adds to the affair. Get rid of the software and try trust. You'll know. Put you energy into the relationship instead of driving youself crazy.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What is crazy is to trust an untrustworthy person. One has a responsibilty to protect thier interests when a cheating spouse is detroying thier life. If a person does not know what is going on thier life [spousal affair], then they cannot make informed intelligent decisions. Not knowing the truth only allows the solution to be farther away. And not knowing the truth just drives most folks crazy.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mr. Bunky:
<strong><p>
The absolute worst thing you can do is trust an untrustworty person. You don't let a child molester babysit your child so why would you trust someone that has betrayed you and your marriage in the worst possible way with them not doing it again?<p> It is simply foolhearty to do it while they may be still involved with the OP.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Amen, MrBunky!