I am becoming famous (infamous?) for my survey's. Here we go:<p>1. How did you discover your the A?<p>2. What was your first reaction?<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?<p>5. How did you find MB?

TD--<p>OK--I'll give it a shot...<p>1. How did you discover your the A?
~~~ My W admitted after some months of erratic and cool behavior on her part. I kind of forced the issue really tryting to find out what was wrong with her (very emotional, losing weight etc)<p>
2. What was your first reaction?
~~~ Devastated---that pretty much speaks for itself. <p>
3. What was your spouses reaction?
~~~ She was (and is) in a state of perpetual confusion. She seemed to be quite sure she was going to leave me for him (and she still may) but it has been over a year since d-day.<p>
4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
~~~ a. I love my wife
b. I made a commitment to her when we married.
c. As a WS in my first marriage I knew what devastation all this could cause and I did not wnat to be part of that. <p>
5. How did you find MB?
~~~ Surfing---it has been a Godsend<p>BTW--you didn't answer your own poll-- [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

Okay - my answers <p>1. How did you discover your the A?
I found some cards and gifts in a box of old bills/receipts<p>2. What was your first reaction?
Total devsatation, crying, borderline hysterical.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?
Total denial - which I wouldn't accept and he left the house.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
Because I know the man my H really is - great father and husband, we share lots of history and I thought our marriage was worth saving.
I did have my boundaries right from the beginning though.<p>5. How did you find MB?
Very strangely, I went into a chat room and talked to a women who pointed me here. I can't even remember her name. I remember the chatroom name though and I have returned there but never saw her nickname again.

1. How did you discover your the A?<p>Caught the two of them together - twice.<p>2. What was your first reaction?<p>Shock, outrage, bitterness. Second time, shock, disbelief, dangerous calmness.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?<p>Lie, indignation, defensiveness, apologized to the OM with me standing there.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?<p>At the time, I don't know. I think desperation. We did not have much of a marriage to save. Her A started less than a year into our marriage so I sometimes wonder why I tried so hard to save it. I think I was afraid of having to start over on my own and the loss of house, friends, family, etc. Instead, I lost my self-dignity. Even my counselor stated that he would have left my wife. I still don't feel very appreciated for the fact that I stuck it out. Perhaps that is why I still have some of my lingering resentment.<p>5. How did you find MB?<p>Ironically, my wife bought SAA in the fall in the hopes of learning how to get over the OM. I was with her when she bought the book and we were shopping for a relationship book. She stated that the SAA book had a lot of good stuff in it so we bought that. I felt embarassed buying it because, I thought, that neither of us were having an A. As it turns out, she was not willing to follow the principles in SAA and a few months later, the A started up again even worse. That is when I found out for real. We both read SAA and I visited the site a few times during the fall. I started visiting regularly after DDay.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

Here ya go:<p>1. How did you discover your the A?
I walked into my H's bathroom and something just hit me (smell, instinct, gut .. ?). My first thought was "ohhh gawd, he's not doing this again!" He was.<p>2. What was your first reaction?
Devistated, panicky, anxiety attacks, pacing all over the house, got physically ill.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?
Denial, denial, denial. Then seething anger. Then relentless blame, blame, blame.<p>4. Why did you decide to try and save the marriage?
I loved him, I believed in our marriage. I felt somewhat responsible for his unhappiness, I wanted to fix that.<p>5. How did you find MB?
Found SAA at Borders Books when searching for help. Found the URL at the back of the book and the rest is history.<p>Thanks for asking, TD.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

1. How did you discover your the A?
*I was suspicious from the start...the Ea started in Aug. The beginning of Sept. I told WH that I sensed something was really wrong. The PA started in Sept. We started MC in Oct. and me being "paranoid" about him cheating on me came up several times and him lying to me came up a lot too. I OFFICIALLY found out on Dec. 26th when someone told me the rumors they were hearing, I confronted WH, and my suspicions were confirmed...I was right about who it was too. My heart had hoped it hadn't gone PA, but it did [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
2. What was your first reaction?
*My gut burned and I was SO angry. I think since I knew all along that he was having an A that the initial blow was lesser than it could have been if everything in our life was "perfect." It still hurt like h*ll though. I couldn't cry or anything...I was just downright p*ssed. Mainly because I had given him every opportunity to tell me the truth and even said I would stand by him...but he didn't.
3. What was your spouses reaction?
*He was scared to death...he was in severe begging mode, stayed up all night making sure I didn't leave. Took the whole week off afterwards...answered my questions (though his answers were riddled with lies). He looked and acted like a scared child and scurried around like a mouse trying make everything work out...just got himself in more trouble though.
4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
*I have 10 years with him and at the time of dday, we were already working out a lot of underlying issues and were becoming closer. I am still "in love" with him, and enjoy him in many aspects. I think if I would have found out about the A before I started my own journey to self-discovery, I would've left in a heartbeat. I also have a special needs little boy and the thought of taking care of him myself scared the crap out of me. And the bond that he has with is daddy is so special. People often ask me if I am fighting for my marriage because of our boy...I say no, I am fighting for my marriage thanks to the strength and personal growth I have gotten and learned through having my son.
I also knew immediately my part in what damaged our marriage and saw the emotional problems that WH has under the A. I am willing to work through those because I know I WANT to be married to the man WH is underneath his pain.
5. How did you find MB?
*Internet search on infidelity...or maybe it was a post at infidelity.com? I know I found it the week of dday.

1. How did you discover your the A?
- Wife was acting very distant from me. She wasn't herself and wanting to go out a lot without me.<p>2. What was your first reaction?
- Rage.. I wanted to kill the [censored] she was with. <p>3. What was your spouses reaction?
- Denial.. She didn't admit to anything until the evidence was brought out in front of her...busted<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
- At first it was because I didn't know anything else for the past 8.5 years. But the more I thought about it, it came down to who my wife is as a person and that I love her...<p>5. How did you find MB?
- Surfing the web trying to find answers and help...

OK Tiny, I'll bite<p>1. How did I discover?<p>I had a gut feeling all along, ultimately discovered that she had our long distance bills for 3 months mailed to her GF's (work colleague of her's) house. WorldCom faxed me the bills.<p>2. What was my first reaction?<p>Initially, relief, a celebration almost as we had been in counseling for 3 months and I couldn't make sense of anything. After about 1/2 hour, the pain of betrayal. She didn't work one iota on the marriage, rather counseling was just a means for her to try to end the marriage amicably.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?<p>Denial...denial...and denial....oh yeah? Did I mention denial? This was an old HS sweetheart of her's and she said "he was just a friend of mine that was supporting me during all this" Sure lady.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?<p>I vowed for better or for worse, I soon realized I'd also lose most meaningful contact with my then 4 y.o. daughter in this sexist society we live in.<p>5. How did you find MB?<p>I was on Weiner-Davis and was directed here by a member upon discovery.

1. How did you discover the A?<p>It all started with those gut feelings (based on obvious signs - passwords showing up on all computer applications, H staying up late at night, becoming distant, H in mega withdrawal from family life, etc). Then I pretended to be H on icq with OW#1 (the former friend of mine). Through her (thinking she was chatting with my H), I found out about their plans on getting together. It was strictly EA at the time. It turned PA within a few weeks of me kicking H out of the house.<p>2. What was your first reaction?<p>ANGER!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I was hoping to stay calm and surprise him with my info one day (in the hospital after the twins were born - I pictured them coming to see the boys together, and I would get security to drag her a$$ out). Anyways, his lies were too much to bear, so I lost it, and threw him out of the house. I had the locks changed within hours too.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?<p>Denial. Didn't know what I was talking about. Very quiet at first. I think it was more of a shock to him that I found out what I did, and especially my constant means of snooping online.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?<p>I missed my H. He had been my best friend for 6 yrs. I wanted my kids to have their daddy here. And once I read up here in MB, I realized that I too, wanted to do my best to give our M it's best chance at survival. If it didn't work, then I would be moving on.<p>5. How did you find MB?<p>I exposed H and OW#1 on a different board (Today's Parent website), and received numerous emails from some of the other posters. One of whom had been through infidelity, and she told me about this place (she was in recovery at the time). Her alias on here is simranrupert. I owe her a LOT. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Karen

1. How did you discover your A?
Found receipts, letters, pictures, etc. in his old briefcase while looking for a misplaced credit card.<p>2. What was your first reaction?
Shock, anger, total devastation.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?
Very calm, packed his bags and left. <p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
Because I loved him and couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without him. <p>5. How did you find MB?
Came over with the Redbook Riff Raff. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

These are great answers.... so different, yet strangely similar. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Here's mine:<p>1, 2 and 3. How did you discover the A? What was your spouse's reaction? What was your reation? <p>Kinda complicated D-day:<p>First - After 2 weeks of weird arguments he drug me into, and an agreement to work on the marriage, H walked out. I came home and he was gone. Took only his electronics (DVD, surround sound, etc) and a bag of clothes. Didn't tell me where he was. MY REACTION: I panicked. Cried and cried. Called and called and called his cell phone - drove around to hotels loooking for his car - the few people's homes I knew that he knew. We met the next day for lunch. Gave me the "I love you but not in love with you anymore - want a divorce" speech. Told me he was staying at a hotel for a few days - was really with OW. I cried and was crushed and shocked. He was calm, distant, not much emotion, matter-of-fact, and said he felt "pity" for me being so hurt!!!<p>Second - While he was "in a hotel" for 2 weeks, I monitored his credit card charges online. THere were no hotel charges, and several dinner delivery's with $ amounts enough for 2. THen, While he was out of town - supposedly ALONE to see his mom - I snooped in his car and found his wedding ring, and a love note from OW. I was TOTALLY devastated!!! My suspicions were proven correct! I tracked him down at a hotel in New Orleans and called him... cried and cried and asked him what he was doing and with whom and why his ring was off. He denied everything - insisted he was alone. He was calm. No emotion. Distant.<p>Third - Two weeks after leaving, he came home from his weekend in New Orleans, and he confessed the affair. He was slightly remorseful, insisted it was over, and wasn't sure if I would allow him to stay at home. He said I scared him to death and "woke" him up when I called him in New Orleans. My reaction: calm, cool, respectful, listening. (I had found MB, expected the confession, and was trying to not LB). I suggested we take one step at a time, figure out what we wanted to do, and could stay in the guest room. He was AGAIN calm, no emotion, matter-of-fact, distant, and like he was not really "present". <p>
4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?<p>I loved him. Thought we'd always be married. We had dreams for our future I didn't want to let go of. I was scared of being alone. I didn't want to throw it away without trying. I believe marriages can survive most anything. I didn't want to end up like his parents after his Dad had an affair. I wanted to "help him" overcome and break that pattern. I wanted to take responsibility and try to "fix" my part of the damage. I wondered if his previous battle with cancer had something to do with it, and felt like it wasn't totally "his" fault.<p>5. How did you find MB?<p>I already had the book His Needs, Her Needs. I was desparately trying to figure out what happened as soon as he left - before I knew there was an A. I was reading TONS of books. The back of HNHN mentioned the MB web-site. I was SOOOOO thankful to find this place. I tried to get him to look here - before the A was revealed. We met for lunches for those 2 weeks he was gone - I was trying to do SOMETHING to figure out how this happened and tried to put medicine and bandages on as quick as possible. We started working through HNHN a little. He participated a little. Not much.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

How did I find out about A?
H came home drunk one night, I having gut feelings for some time (especially after the I love you but not in love with you speech) checked his cell phone. Found a strange number that he had called on the way home that night and called it. OW answered it so woke H up and asked who she was. After denial and denial I said"if you don't tell me I will harrass her until one of you has me arrested". Said finally it was just a friend. <p>My reaction?
Yell, I knew it! I knew it! How could you! Leave [censored]. Get out of my house. H wouldn't leave so I did. Found a hotel for 3 days, started smoking and drinking again. Cried, screamed, paniced, cried! Left for 3 days and told him when I got there he had better not be there. He wasn't.<p>H reaction!
Denial, is just a friend, not what you think. Not as bad as you think. I asked do you love her? Just as a friend! BS. Later when we talked H admitted that it was EA with some PA. Only kissing. 2 months later H decides to come clean. Was PA for 6 months. Did say I love you. Was planning to leave me for her but when I left H realized what he had done. Continued contact for 2 months.<p>Finally in recovery I think.<p>Found MB site by searching internet on infidelity.

Oh yea, why did I decide to save marriage. Not sure. Embarrassment. Scared to be alone. Two kids. FS. And I do love him.

1. How did you discover your the A?>>><p>He started acting really weird after I went away on a 4 day trip. One day I came home from the store and he was out. I just had a gut feeling to pick up the phone and press redial. An unfamiliar female voice answered. I asked for a former office temp he used to work with (only single female he ever mentioned) until she got fired a month before. It was her. I said "This is X's wife. I was just wondering why he woudl be calling you." She started yelling at me for accusing her of having an affair with a MM because she wasn't that kind of person (ROFL!). Then she claimed that she hadn't even talked to him since they stopped working together. He came home, when white as a ghose when I asked him why he was calling Skanky on our phone, asked if he was having an A blah blah. he lied his a** off, just like her, denied everything. Soem BS about her being a friend and he just wanted to check and see how she was doing but that he'd never speak to her again since I got so mad about it. He moved out 2 weeks later. Entire time we were separated denied ever speaking to her again after that day (he was living with her). When we got back together she turned chatty Cathy and couldn't wait to call me and tattle.<p>2. What was your first reaction?<p>Beyond devastated. Couldnt' breathe, threw up, howling like a wounded animal. It was awful.<p>3. What was your spouses reaction?>><p>Got very pale, panicked look, denied everything, lied like a rug.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?>><p>Because I love him.<p>5. How did you find MB?>><p>Random search, actually after we got back together. I had been reading tons of books (including Surviving the Affair) and was following basic Plan A/Plan B principles.

My turn...A #1 (#2 was similar)<p>1) How did you discover spouses A?
H withdrew from me, our 2yr old son, church, etc. Got a phone call one morning when I was late leaving for work. We picked up simultaneously on opposite ends of the house...he said "hello", I didn't. Woman caller said "hey! Are you alone?" I said "No, he's not...this is his wife!" He swore she was just a friend. Snooped in his truck a few weeks later and found love notes and cards from her. Swore she was just a very good friend. He was somewhere in the Mid-East (during Desert Storm) when I found her and called her and asked for truth -- then I found him and told him I knew. H said they'd ended it after I found the cards.<p>2) What was your first reaction?
Total devastation. I was alone with my toddler, my H was on active duty...and I was hysterical. SO hurt and angry. I screamed and cried and sobbed until I was literally foaming at the mouth and completely exhausted. Needless to say, my mom came and took me and son home for a few days.

3) What was spouses reaction?
Scared to death I would leave him. He cried and begged. Air Force sent him home on leave and we went to Pastor, he sobbed at altar at church. <p>4) Why did you want to save your marriage?
I didn't know what else to do. Young and scared and bemused by it all. I was 23 and very naive. I'd lived in a bubble my whole life until my world collapsed around me. I did and still do love my H -- everyone does, because he's a really sweet and caring person. (just likes attention from women -- almost a love addict).<p>5) How did you find MB?
Searched on Google for sites for wives of cops -- WifeOfCop's name appeared, and I follwed the link here. Unfortunately I didn't find MB after H's two affairs; didn't find it until this last friendship/potential affair problem with the badge bunny bimbo trash.

1. How did you discover your the A?
OW left a Message on our new cell phone after I had set up the Voicemail. Her words and I quote "I don't want to hear HER voice" H denied anything was up said it was a practical joke. Next day I called the # from the caller ID and asked her striaght out are you sleeping with my H. She went on for sometime about alot of things that only mattered to her.<p>2. What was your first reaction?
It was all very ser-real. I was amazingly calm. Which I knew wasn't good. I felt like I was a part in some soap opera. That thought accually crossed my mind while I was on the phone with the OW. I remember thinking how can i fix this. <p>3. What was your spouses reaction?
Denial. Than he clamed I did it too. Which wasn't true. Then He claimed it just happened. Thats when I gave him a right hook to his face. He was in shock that she told me, and busy being angry at her for her betrayal to him. And in shock for al the pain he saw me in.<p>4. Why did you decide to save the marriage?
For better of for worse. I keep my word. I love him way too much. I don't want her to win. Because when I thought I lost him I felt so empty. I need him to complete me. because I fight for what is mine, I put way too much into this life to let it go.<p>5. How did you find MB?
Someone on I.com mentioned it.<p>Me 40, H 42
Married 21 years and counting.
2 boys, 20 & 18
D-day 11/1/01
R-day everyday

I'll bite...<p>1. How did you discover the A?<p>I didn't - she "volunteered" the bomb-shell. She had slowly withdrawn over time... but quite imperceptibly in many ways... we'd gone out to do some fun stuff that weekend, I'd tried to be affectionate with her and she was kinda cool, said a few strange things... then we were making pizza for supper and something just didn't feel right... so I thought I'd give her a hug... and then the crying started. I sat her down, tried to comfort her... and then the famous "I love you but I'm not in love with you."<p>2. What was my first reaction?<p>Horror. Started kinda freaking out. Asked her if it was "someone else".<p>3. What was her reaction?<p>Denied at first... She was probably surprised by my reaction... might have hoped that I'd storm out or somehow otherwise give her that ultimate justification for her actions. It finally came out about 2 days later. We both had been absolutely through the wringer - little to eat, little sleep. She back-peddled a bit, said that she just wasn't so sure about whether she wasn't in love with me, etc. But finally, she came clean.<p>4. Why did I decide to save the marriage?<p>At first, because I didn't know what else to do! And because storming out, being a jerk, etc. is just NOT ME. She's known me for a long time, and I'm NOT like that.<p>As I thought about it, it became about those 4 reasons in SAA for trying the Plans. 1. To know I did everything I could, 2. She hadn't closed the door on us, 3. To admit to my mistakes and prove I could be better, and 4. To lose my love for her, if she didn't change her course. Perfection if you ask me...<p>5. How did you find MB?<p>There was another message board I'd found by doing a general search. There was a lot of pain there, with few real SOLUTIONS... in fact, people encouraged me to lay down an ultimatum, leave her sorry butt, etc. But someone had mentioned MB in passing... I followed the link... and found some real answers.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

1. Had a strange feeling about 6-8 weeks before d-day and questioned it. On christmas day OM left letter at my parents and called that afternoon.<p>2. Extreme disappointment and anger.<p>3. Denial at first, then admitted.<p>4. Because of physically abusing wife after finding out, we both did wrong, made mistakes.<p>5. search engine: how to deal with wifes's adultery.

I need to bookmark this thread so that I can come back and read all of your posts later.<p>1. How discovered? <p>Odd statements like, "I need to go to the doctor and see about being castarated." [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
And a statement after the EA was over "I've decided I don't need an older woman." (the OW was older). [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
An apologetic, whipped puppy demeanor - when as far as I knew he had done nothing wrong. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
So the more this continued, the more suspicious I became, and the more sure I was that SOMETHING was going on although I had NO idea what. Finally I asked him what had been going on. He said "talking." I said, "about stuff you shouldn't be?" He said yes. I said "is that all?" He said, "Well I didn't have sex with her." [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] So I says to myself, "Self, there's a lot of room between 'talking' and sex!!!" So I said to him, "Did you kiss her?" HE REMAINS SILENT. I said "Did you hear me?" He says, "My silence should speak for itself." [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>2. First reaction?
Extreme sadness. Climbed out of bed and walked into the next room. Began to boil on the inside. Some part of me was satisfied with the answer I'd gotten because it meant I was right about my suspiciouns. Mainly sadness and disbelief that this could be happening to me.<p>3. Spouses reation?<p>Climbed out of the bed. Met me coming back across the other room. Wrapped his arms around me and told me to hit him, hurt him, something, anything, punish him. Get my anger out. He was very scared our marriage was over.<p>4. Why save my marriage? <p>2 beautiful little girls kept me there to begin with. 9 years of wonderful marriage kept me there later. Hubby's level of recommitment to the marriage is astronomical and encourages me to recommit too. If anyone in this world deserves a second chance, it is someone who has done so many wonderful things for me through the years!<p>5. How found marriage builders?<p>I found the website on a search engine during the time that I was suspecting that something was going on. I was looking for a list of "Signs of Infidelity." (Ironically I found a list elsewhere, and none of the signs listed fit in my situation!!) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

How did I find out?
My BIL called to say MIl was very sick & going to the hospital & asked for H's cell phone. I called his place (had moved out over 2 years before) and a woman answered. I hug up - thought it was a wrong #. Called again & she identified herself as OW, a "FRIEND".<p>When me & the kids went up for funeral, I could tell something was wrong. I felt on edge & prayed that God would reveal what was going on & give me the strenght to deal with whatever. H was like a slippery eel, could never stay in one place...<p>One afternoon, I came back to where H was staying & there was a car outside & the door locked. I knocked & eventually OW answered the door. I felt in shock. I talked for a few minutes as she pretented that she had been on her way out when I came in. She left. I got changed and went for a walk. Panic attack! When I got back,, H was gone. I called a friend of his who confirmed it. Also said somtething strange & later found out there were 2 OW!!!<p>I gathered all my things and left & stayed at my mom's for 2 days. The friend called my H & told him I was upset. H had calls into me. Eventually I called him & said "it's over" - our M<p>He said I've changed & I agreed but that he didn't even know me. <p>I came back home & saw an attorney intending to DV. Shortly after that I started to get anomymous phone calls from OW (the "friend") talking about my H's A with the other OW!!!!!<p>My first Reaction
devastation, sick, fear, anger, like I had been shot in the heart, disbeilf, but yet relief to know I wasn't crazy. My whole world collapsed.<p>
Spouse's first reaction
the proverbial "We are friends" He told me I had changed & I agreed, I told him that he was controlling & he agreed. He wanted to talk but I was too upset & told him not now. I left 2 days later without talking to him.<p>Why did I decide to save the M?
Initailly I didn't. I was getting a DV. A few weeks later, while WH visiting us at home, I ran inot a friend & when asked how was i doing - I borke down in tears. We prayed & I felt better. After that I pulled up an email account that I had not accessed for a while & opened maybe 2 emails and one was an article from Smalley on Dear Peggy (infidelity) I set up a consultation & she suggested that I not make a decision for 6 mo to a year. That made sense. <p>
How did I find MB?<p>After that I went to B & N & searched relationship section and was surprise to find any books on A's. I read through many of them for hours and finally decided on SSA. It seemed to make sense. <p> So ultimately why I saved my M<p>I had time to begin to think through things. MB presented hope, where before I had none that this M could be saved.<p>I do it cuz of my vows. I do it cuz I promised God as well as my WH to love, cherish & obey (HIM) <p>I do it for the kids (they have told me not to stay M for them)<p>I do it cuz I want to leave no stone unturned.<p>I do it cuz I love my WH (not what he did)<p>I do it cuz no matter what happens, this is healing.<p>
Good thread [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]