We have been in recovery since September 2001. We have gone to weekly counseling sessions since then. See signature line for details.
Just found out a couple weeks ago H lied about the amount of money he got on a check in December. We've gotten to the root of the problem. He feels I'm too controlling (true - I'm working on that)<p>Whats changed/whats different:<p>1. H kisses me goodbye every morning<p>2. H is using "feeling" words - lately he is frustrated.<p>3. H NOW agrees to honestly look at childhood issues to see how it effects how he is today. We haven't dealt with it much because he just realized this as a result of my threatening separation because of the recent lie. Thats a whole other issue - he is totally unmotivated to work on the marriage unless I threaten separation. He sees that now too.<p>4. H is willing to discuss issues but still shows no compassion when I share something. One of the main things in counseling is that people want to feel heard/understood. I can pour out my heart about something and he will say: I understand slightly. Whereas I use counseling techniques and repeat back and validate his feelings. ex. If he is angry about something I would say: I would feel angry too if I were you. I shared how a coworker made me angry and his reply to me was "temper temper". I shared it with another coworker and the other coworker validated my feelings and was just beside himself how the other coworker offended me. Even my son does not trust him with his feelings. My son shared something last night with me about a girl (he's 10) totally innocent but he said Please don't tell daddy. Because he would tease him about it and not be compassionate about his feelings. My H is missing out. Its sad.<p>So am I settling for crumbs? or are my expectations unrealistic? Should I discuss this with him - the details of #4? I feel like we have SOOOOOO many issues I really have to pick my battles. <p>I'm still wondering if this is all worth it. The effort/the difficulty/the pain/the work/The huge investment for a small return.

Sounds like progress is being made. Recovery is slow, especially when the WS has other issues that have to be dealt with. Take these issues to counseling and ask that your counselor to provide you with exercises (homework) for the two of you to do that addresses your needs and desires.

Thanks for replying Mr. Bunky. <p>Yesterday was a DDay anniversary and it just has me re-evaluating. <p>Another change he has made in a positive direction: he use to be on the computer a LOT. Now when he plans on being on it he will tell me ahead of time and why. For instance, last night he downloaded a CD he made for me which he told me he was going to do early on in the day. It didn't help that yesterday was OW BDay and he use to make CD's for her. <p>With having DDay anniversary'S in April, June and September it makes recovery triggers constant.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

bump

Hi, Sorry I did not get to this one yesterday either... I was busy having a pity party and being exhausted.... <p>On this one... I think maybe TIME, sad but true... will show a difference.... hopefully!<p>Has H always been unsupportive when your feelings were hurt. <p>I see that you do expect a lot from him... something we did in alanon... and i have done before is made a gratitude list of things you are grateful for.<p>I too have learned.. that any EXPECTATION of someone else is a setup for a LETDOWN... because we cannot control others... you say your H thinks you are too controling... so does mine... so I can relate - I also relate to the feeling checked up on issues... because my H doesn't want to even begin to go through that.... maybe sometimes acting AS IF things are good... isn't such a bad idea... <p>When I do that things always go better... I have read that EXPECTING more from your spouse... can actually lead them to give more! That is good, same with kids... hehehehe!<p>But also let him know what he is doing right... I am sure you are doing this... but really let him know how you appreciate his trying to rebuild things, going to counseling, helping with kids, yard... <p>I KNOW... I get so aggravated to have to let him know I appre ciate things he is supposed to DO! But strangely enough when My H thanks me for being a good mom, etc... it always feels great! I am glad when he appreciates. me!<p>I am sorry about the DDAY trigger, I bet that has a lot to do with some bad feeelings... try to let go of those dates... and try to remember the good dates! <p>I hope I am helping a little.. I certainly have no claim on being an expert and I am making enough mistakes myself to kill my marriage.. but if I did the things I am suggesting... and when I did... things alaways went better.<p>Remember when the two of you were in love... and falling in love... what did you enjoy together, etc... that seems to be maybe a bit of what you need to rebuild... reconnection.<p>Hugs to you again, Honey