I have been a lurker for several months now but have never posted till now.
I will try to sumerize this as best I am able.<p>Me: widowed yrs ago been single 27 yrs. / Him divorced from a 23 yr. marriage.
We are engaged (since Sept. 01) <p>The issue we are dealing with seem to be differences in SF. He says it has nothing to do with loving someone. I say it's a very special and neccessary part of a relationship.<p>What really concerns me is his previous relationship with his wife. He had 4 (count 'em) affairs (flings I guess)starting the 2nd yr in his marraige. Also they got involved in some swinging up to but excluding actual sex with others toward the end of their marraige.<p>They were in counceling for a yr. when the affairs were revealed( at least two of them). That ended their marraige. They didn't talk about the swinging with their mc. <p>My real concern here is how could his attitude be so diametricly opposed to his past views? He says he will never have another A. But says he's not really intersted in SF at all now.<p>Does anyone know what to make of all this? Any responces will certainly be helpful as I have no clue. The only thing I can think is that maybe he just is not attracted to me at all.

I recommend some SERIOUS pre-marital counseling for the two of you. Work out ALL of these issues prior to setting a date. DO NOT go into your marriage with any doubts or lack of understanding. I SOOOO wish my wife and I had pre-marital counseling. I doubt she would have had her A if we had and I think we both would have been better spouses.

Mr. Bunky,
Thanks for your response. Ya know, I asked him if the couceling he and his ex had did anything for him or if he felt it helped, and he said no.
But one thing for sure, I won't marry him unless we get these issues resolved. It may take counceling.

You BOTH need to go to counseling. You will not be able to resolve your lingering doubts without him participating. You do have reason to be concerned. He has been a serial adulterer. He has no desire for SF (which is another issue that may or may not be related).<p>One thing is for sure, the two of you need to address what your Emotional Needs are and make sure that each of you are not only willing but enjoy meeting them for each other. If you don't you will definately have some unresolved issues in your marriage.

just this past week I printed out the EN questionaire and the LB questions along with the outline about resolving conflict.
He hasn't aswered the EN list yet, but he did take the resolving conflict outline to work to read and made some notes on the sides. I think we will fill out the EN questions this weekend.
I hope he won't fill it out the way he "thinks" I want him to answer though. <p>I worry about our problems because too, he has told me so many different things about it. First he said he had problems with erections and maintaining them, hence his use for viagra initially. (Also, he told me the Dr. said Viagra woudn't be effective unless he had the desire.) It was effective!
In the next few months he said it was a premature ejaculation problem. <p>Next it was that he felt inadequate and was afraid of not being able to complete the act without losing an erection.<p>Now it's the "I don't think love has to do with sex". And he simply doesn't need it much.<p>Also initially when we first were living together he would spend so much time in the garage or workshop doing things around the house I practically had to threaten him to get him to spend any time with me. He does spend time with me now but it was so pressured I don't trust why he did it. He does most everything that way. I always have to be the one to bring up the things that someone normally would be wanting to do for the person they "loved". (spending time, wanting to be together, snuggling etc.) <p>Am I kidding myself here or what??? He says he loves me....sure couldn't tell it by me! <p>Sorry if this WTMI but I don't know how better to get the whole story across.