I've been married for 21yrs this April. My husband had n ea/pa for about 3 months around the holidays.Or marraige was rocky for awhile. But never did I think that this would have been the way my husband would have choosen to end our marraige. He said that he felt the marraige was over. Needless to say we were still living together taking care to raise our 3 kids ect. I noticed he was acting different and suspected something was going on and when I confronted him old me the truth. He had been seeing someone else and we were going to separate. The next day after the dust settled he said he had made a mistake. I was so happy that he wanted to come back and make a go of things I just said great.
Now 3mo down the line I feel I have made a big mistake. I feel like the man I married has died and I am stuck with his evil twin. Even though my husband wants to make amends I can't accept his apology. I know that he knew that to be unfaithful would be the point of no return. I've told him how I feel and I don't think he realizes how hurt an upset I really am. To me to wake up every day in pain isn't worth it. The only thing that keeps me here are my kids. I can't find the love anymore. Our councelor tells me that this is all part of the stages of recovery. If this is recovery I would much rather get rid of the source of pain. The councelor also says that the anger keeps me from feeling the pain. I think she is right but I am not going to let this pain control my every move. I hate that I have been put in this situaion,and that I have to feel so much hate for someone who I thought I loved.
I hope that anyone that has any suggestions could give me some advice before I pack my things and go. I need some bad. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Divorce does not rid you of the pain. You simply swap one form of pain for another. The fact that he had an A is going to hurt regardless of whether you remain married to him. Pain is part of the healing process. Pain is necessary for healing to occur.<p>I know exactly how you feel. I have been in recovery for two months now and I still have a huge amount of pain. I still cry. Through our pain, we will grow, either with our spouse or without them.<p>it is not possible for him to realize how much he has hurt you. We cannot imagine to pain of the death of a child unless we have been through it.<p>My recommendation, both of you should be in counseling. Also, I recommend you both read a number of books including: Surviving An Affair, After the Affair and Torn Asunder.<p>If you are religious, I recommend you both start attending church regularly. Spiritual support can be very helpful during theses times. I refound my faith when I learned of my wife's A.<p>Please let me know of any further help I can provide. Recovery is possible. It is a narrow road we chose to walk and it will not be easy. Please see my signature for my story of recovery.

Well Eunice, I first came to this site a few days ago so I am going to step aside and let the pros answer you, there is so much to say and learn I hope you will take advantage of it. I am four months into trying to recover after a 23 year marriage and its no picnic but these folks have been a world of help. Get a good reading list too, there are some great books out there. THe best thing I think I can tell you is that most marriages experience an affair and most recover from it. I didn't choose to be in the first group but I have chosen to be in the second. Good luck.<p>Jack

Eunice,<p>I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. How does your husband treat you now? Does he try to support you and show you that he is committed to your marriage? The fact that he admitted his adultery when questioned makes him very different from a lot of men.<p>I didn't feel the same emotions that you are feeling because my husband would not admit that he was involved with the OW. I just had this huge FEAR and many clues that just didn't add up. He always made up an excuse for his behavior even though women who worked with him warned me that the OW was chasing him. (I think they didn't want to tell me they suspected an affair.) When my husband finally admitted his affair, more than six months had passed since contact with the OW. I was hurt, but relieved to finally know some of the truth after two years of being in the dark.<p>Reading the success stories on this board has really helped me although I didn't find this website at my most difficult time. Many women and men have made it through this and their marriages are better than before. I have learned to lean on the Lord and I give Him all the credit for the changes in my husband.<p>To me, thinking of my husband as being in a fog really helped. He really was in a midlife crisis and wasn't thinking clearly. He told me that he just felt cold inside.<p>The website www.midlife.com may help you understand some of your husband's actions. I just couldn't understand why or how my husband could change his whole value system. Read Dr. Harley's books and the books on midlife by Jim Conway.<p>I think your counselor is right that your anger is a necessary stage in recovery. <p>I will be praying for you.

Mr Bunky,
Thanks for your advice.We are in counciling I do think it helps some. I've also read SAA I thought it was good in the fact of explaining how the A can happen and how to keep it from happening again, but I didn't think it was good at helping the bs as to what to expect in the healing process.I understand everyone heals differently but all the other symptoms of affairs seem to be cut and dry.My situation is not half as bad as alot that I read about. My husband is very comitted to the marraige,I am the one that has all the hesitation. I need to decide whether this new man is the one I want to be married to. I feel like I had no say as to who I was to now live the rest of my life with. I'm sure you understand. Your wife is the lucky one that you love her so much. I do have to say I felt like that earlier on in recovery. This has started fairly recently I am going on 4 months of recovery and this has been going on the last month. I hope this is just a stage Thanks for your support. Good Luck to you and your marraige.<p>Jack,
Thanks there is alot of good advice here your right. Keep up the good work<p>
Formersongbird,
I have a hard time thinking my husband was in a fog. I feel he knew exactly what he was doing. If he would own this mistake I feel the healing would be so much easier. I feel that to heal the damage both parties have to be on the same plain. I know I have to work through the anger. Thanks for writing.

My guess is that there is something you are needing from him that he is not giving you. My H, too, talks about how much he loves me and is treating me better than he has in years.<p>HOWEVER, he is not doing the specific work of recovery, i.e. working through and processing his A, learning how and why it happened and how to protect me and the M in the future, answering all my questions, owning what he did, facing it realistically, empathizing with my pain (and my H has no excuse for that since he was the BS in his previous M), comforting me through the pain, being accountable for what he did, the damage he caused, and recognizing and anticipating my need for the extraordinary precautions to account for himself.<p>He basically tries to act like nothing happened and that I should be thrilled that he decided to stay married to me. Fact is, if I didn't have children with him I would have been long gone, and if he had a history like this when I met him, I never would have married him. He doesn't seem to be grasping this simple truth: He is not marriage material right now.<p>It's going to take an awful lot of work to repair the damage and build a NEW relationship worth having. I didn't even like the old relationship, so a total overhaul is necessary, and the longer he delays, the more I distance from him. I'm past the anger into indifference, so maybe you can explain to your H that that is where unresolved anger will eventually lead.<p>The only thing I can think of is for you to spend some time trying to figure out what it is that you need, specific actions that he could be doing to help you, and then request that from him. Hopefully your H will respond.

How I envy all you people whose WS have rec ommitted to your marriage. My H is still involved, says she loves him and he doesn't know who to hurt. We're counseling with the Steve and my H says he's interested in hearing how to recover Romantic Love for me but it's so painful knowing how involved he still is with her...he told me he missed me last week when he was with her...was very emotional about the separation....but since he's been back, it's back to normal...I'm plan Aing my butt off and he's having his cake and eating it too. How much longer I can do this, without ending up hating him, I don't know. My family is falling apart while OW sits in splendor receiving phone calls, e-mails professing undying, perfect love no doubt, from my H. I just want the pain to end...I need him to make a choice....but don't know if I can live with the outcome if he chooses to leave me. Why did this woman enter into this mess with my H...somedays I'd just like to make her disappear off the face of the earth....not that it would solve my H's deep emotional problems...he'd just find someone or something else to jump into. Help! Will things ever get better?
Wintergal

Eunice424, <p>I totally understand your pain. I have been there. You are fortunate though in that your WS admitted his mistake and stopped the "A"...many don't...mine didn't/hasn't. My D-Day was almost 9 months ago..and the pain is still there..not as bad..but still is. <p>There are no right or wrong answers...you have to decide what is best for you. Like you i have 3 kids. I went right into plan "A" before i found this site...and took 6-7 months to change ME. I worked on me...making ME who i always wanted to be and feel short of. She seen these changes, but still wouldn't give up OM. <p>Whatever you decide the pain doesn't leave...it gets better with time...you get stronger and better able to understand WHAT happened, WHY it happened and HOW to avoid it in the future if you decide that's what you want. But just when you think you are doing great..it hits you and you cry...going down the road..in bed at home or wherever. <p>There is no escaping it, no magic cure for it and certainly no hiding from it or denying that it's there. Figure out what was missing in your marriage together and work on fixing those things for each of you and for each other. Marriage just doesn't happen..it takes work and in todays busy lives...many take it for granted because of all the other work they have to do....and then people end up HERE.......trying to figure out why. <p>I now know why and the part i played in creating it. YES, I am the BS...but that certainly doesn't make me guiltless in WHY it happened. SHE cheated, but i was 50% responsible in creating the environment that created the conditions for it to happen.<p>Whatever you decide...good luck !! <p>Take care of yourself....turn to a higher power....and lean on your kids.

After the Affair and Torn Asunder will help you with recovery. After the Affair is my favorite.

Mrs. Eunice,<p>My husband and I attended a wonderful conference this weekend hosted by the folks at www.familylife.com It is not specifically geared to recovering from affairs, but it is geared at BUILDING MARRIAGES. It is Bible based, but not to the point of making non-church goers uncomfortable. There are wonderful sections on forgiveness, anger, etc. And there are sections on the duties of a husband and wife. Who knows, after 21 years of marriage you may finally be to the point that you can build the marriage you've dreamed of. Six months ago before my H's A, I didn't think I needed "marriage lessons." (OH How little I knew!!) I kind of look at it like our marriage hit bottom. We had to bottom out in order to seek help just like alcoholics and drug addicts. Let me tell you, this conference opened my eyes, and I look at marriage and family in a whole new light.<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

Thanx everyone for your support. I think conqueror hit the nail on the head.That is exactly right.Its very difficult to get my point across.Thats why the councelor is a big help.She helps my husband understand what I am trying to say.Untill he can understand the pain and own up to his part in it I feel like I can't forgive.Then to build a new relationship because like conqueror it wasn't that hot before the affair.My spouse would be very happy to forget everything that happened and go from there but the old problems have to be worked out too.We both have alot of work to do.Its just a matter of decideing whether this man that I am left with is the one I still want to spend the rest of my life with.I need to fall in love again,and I am affaid.I don't want to love again if the pain comes with it.<p> Anyway thanx again all.You have all been a great comfort to me that I am not alone. I'm staying for now. I guess I am still working at this.<p> Bunky I am going out to get that book After the Affair. Hopefully it will help. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I think it can help your H as well. From my point of view (BS), I think it does the best job of describing what the BS and what the WS feel.

Hi Eunice- I can DEFINITELY relate to your anger and the powerlessness you feel about having your life go in a very DIFFERENT direction that you intended on. I too struggle with those thoughts every day and I am one year past the time H filed for D and then cancelled it when he came to his senses. We have been in counseling ever since and I get impatient about how long I have been unhappy and the fact that I can never be RID of what has happened to my marriage even if I were to divorce H. Eventually though I see the need to move beyond the high intensity of the pain and anger as it is impacting my physical and emotional health. My newest counselor told me if I continue to harbor intense hate toward this whole situation I will end up bitter, living in a small apt with cats all alone! Something to think about. My response to her though was that I am not ready to let go of it yet. So please realize you are NOT alone in the way you feel. I truly believe in the commitment of marriage but that doesnt change the intense feelings I have. My H and I did attend a FamilyLife marriage wkend last wkend and it did bring us much closer to each other- I really recommend that if you and your H are Christians. They provide excellent info there and have quite interesting speakers to listen to- they provide what they call the Blueprints of a healthy marriage relationship. They also do talk about difficulties in marriage such as affairs, abuse, being neglected, the roles of men vs women etc. I thought it was great. H didnt want to go at first but once we were there he really said he learned alot! Take care- lifeismessy

Eunice-<p>One of the things that helped me was a kind inventory taking. I examined all the positive aspects of my life with my wife and balanced them against the negative. It sounds simplistic but life is a ledger of sorts, perfection really doesn't exist anywhere. We are good cooks but burn a roast once and a while, we are good drivers but wreck a car or two, we are good parents but we blunder at that too, but we keep going. Marriage is no different. You know a funny thing happened when I shared this view with my wife, she was thinking that maybe she loved the other person, maybe her marriage was ruined, maybe she couldn't love me if she had done such a thing, all feelings that I didn't like hearing and which were not in my interest for her to have. So when I said hey you just made a mistake like a million other people suddenly she was in my corner again, of course I love you and have always loved you she said, I just made a mistake, etc. So my moving off the dime moved her off the dime. I know how much this hurts, everyone here does, but lets face it, popes, generals, presidents, rich people, poor people, you name it, have given in to this most potent elixer of temptation. Your marriage is bigger than this, you can save it, and if your husband is too confused or too weak, show him the way. I know this seems backwards, he made the mess he should clean it up, but he might not be able to clean it up and don't underestimate the emotional burden he carries, I would rather be the innocent victim than the adulterer any day. What would you do if he shot someone or robbed a bank or committed some other terrible wrong? You'd help the poor stupid guy get out of it as best as you could. It doesn't matter if you are the victim of the crime, you have to help him help himself, he is not capable. <p>Jack