It started two nights ago. I've been feeling the stress of some serious issues...I want a child of my own, being diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, nephew being locked up for rape... It was taking its toll on me.. My h comes home and asks what is wrong so i began telling him.<p>maybe i said it in a wrong way, well i did say it in a condescending way... I said i don't feel like he will be fair if we have our own children becuz he already plays favorites with the children he has now. I don't feel like he would truly be there for me if I began to get really sick. So i was expressing these concerns and he totally blew up.<p>he refused to talk and I guess out of desperation I grabbed him to keep him from walking away. Then I began scratching and hitting him. he attacked me also finally bending my knuckles all the way back i fell on the floor crying.<p>We didn't talk the rest of the night and the next morning I saw his arms and I'm appalled by what I did!!! I can't belive I was so violent and I'm feeling so remorseful and guilty right now I can't stand it. I never thought this would come to this. <p>I don't know what triggered it? I guess the fact that I can't have an emotional conversation, deep conversation with my h without him feeling uncomfortable or twisting my words around and making it seem like i'm calling him the bad guy<p>Of course it always ends with the same thing, i'm never satisfied, Why can't I just be happy? why did you marry me? why don't we divorce?<p>Why do our conversations have to end like this? Do i have to continue to play the charade of pretending everything is hunky dory and i'm doing fine..talk about bills, work, what do you want to eat? Nothing really that matters.<p>I cried to him begging for forgiveness.. Things are okay now but i have to wonder for how long?

There is no functional difference between physical expressions of desperation or verbally. You were not trying to do bodily injury, you were trying to get his attention, and expressing extreme frustration at his emotional abuse...still not good, or healthy, cause resolves nothing. You need to find out who you are, and stop looking to him for validation, I would suggest starting with Life Strategies, by Dr Phil Mcgraw. Your H cannot solve your emotional issues, he is who he is, and whether that works or not for you depends on who you are, it does not sound like you really know. When you have done your work, you will know what to do about your marriage.

Violence, any kind of violence is very serious business Talitha. It doesn't matter if you're a man or woman, violence is an equal opportunity sickness that does not respect gender. Violence is like an infection of the soul that unless it gets treated, it will continue to spread until it consumes the entire body.<p>Are you in counseling right now? If I remember correctly you left your xH and married the OM, and were having very serious issues with your new M and H. And now this violence that sprung from you towards your H makes the matter of counseling extremely necessary.<p>Please Talitha, for your own peace of mind and wellbeign, get some help. This forum is great to vent your frustrations but it can not take the place of professional therapy.<p>Please keep us posted.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe