Hi,<p>I gave my W a letter the other day. The gist of it was basically that I'm not looking forward to selling the house or a custody battle. I told her I'd rather talk about how our marriage got to where it was 17 months ago and what we would need to do to fix the damage, but that at this point selling the house seems to be the next step. Continuing to live like this isn't healthy for either of us and maybe we need a chance to be away from each other and just breathe. I also passed on a request from Steve Harley to have her call him so he can get her perspective on things so he can help me deal with all of this.<p>Her response was that she agreed that being away from each other would give us a chance to breathe, but her lawyer advised her not to sell the house unless I agreed to give her interim primary custody and pay child support. She knows that I cannot agree to anything less than 50/50 shared custody until final custody is determined. She said she is thinking about calling Steve (I think she will).<p>So, I can take it on face value that she's simply following her lawyer's advice, but the whole thing confuses me. She's been so adamant about wanting a D, yet done nothing about it, and when I give her a chance to take the first step towards moving on, she decides to continue living in limbo. At this point, I'm very puzzled and really don't know what to do next. I'll probably call my lawyer for advice. Any thoughts?<p>sad dad<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

sd - I know you to be a thorough thinker, so I expect I won't be able to say anything you haven't already considered.<p>Too bad the lawyers are involved.<p>Her lawyer's advice is, of course, ludicrous. The only way she could get primary custody is for you to give it to her. If she could take it, her lawyer would have already done so. I wouldn't be surprised that she initially went into her lawyer with the twisted logic that she could get custody and her lawyer has convinced her that she hasn't a chance at that. My former W threatened taking custody several times and I believe she actually thought she could - ahhhhh, life without a brain.<p>Why sell the house first? You don't have to, right? It can be part of the divorce proceedings.<p>Have you split up finances? If not, is it worth considering to establish an "in house" separation - divide your finances as if you're physically separated, establish who's gonna pay for what, and thus, take this reversible step toward divorce as a dose of reality?<p>Ultimately, to knock her off the fence, you may have to pursue the divorce yourself. Poop or get off the pot. Step up to the plate. Knock this dern thing off top dead center. Tell her she made the first move, she hasn't made any further moves in any direction, so you have no choice but to keep the divorce going - unless she doesn't want one, in which case you're open to recovery.<p>WAT

Hi SD- I'm glad you let us know your current situation- I think about you every day. I think WAT's advice is right on target- definitely DON'T agree to let her have temporary custody- I have read in divorce books that the temporary orders are often made permanent in the end unless there is substantial reason to do it otherwise. No wonder your W is stalling on selling the house! If I were you I'd call my attorney and accelerate your quest for custody. Also WAT's suggestion about an in-house financial split is excellent. Ask your attorney about how that should be done ASAP. Apparently your W is one who needs the MESSINESS of divorce splashed right into her face to see the impact of it.Frustrating isn't it??? That is often the case with stubborn WSs though-especially if their A is primarily an emotional one.I feel for you ! lifeismessy

wat & lim,<p>Thanks for replying. <p>I just want to say that my W wasn't angry or hostile in any way. She just told me she's going to follow her lawyer's advice. As I have said before, I think she's hoping we can come to some custody agreement BEFORE the D proceedings begin, so that nothing that may come out in court can hurt her, thus the reason she hasn't taken any action in that regard. Just my opinion.<p>We have already severed finances. She pays her bills, I pay mine and we split the rest. I have set up an appt with Steve Harley for next week to get his thoughts. I will call my lawyer today to update her on this latest development and seek her advice. Maybe she can contact my W's lawyer and work something out. WAT, I think you're right, I may have to start the D proceedings myself to knock her off the fence. Talk about the ultimate "fence sitter".<p>sad dad

just looking for more responses

tell ya what... see if you can offer a word or two to funked up, and also maximus, and I'll make sure the MB angels shine on you also. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ok ok ... just kiddin... I sure don't have much advice for you. Sounds like WAT and LIM, and Steve H. are taking good care of you.<p>I'm about to post my latest events. XH called me tonite in tears - left a message that is - that he needed someone to talk to, and I'm about the best friend he's got right now. hmmmmm.... ???? I finally called him back - after 3 hours, and he said he had an argument with his sister, and it also seems he's moved out of OW's apt. WHO KNOWS?!?!?!? <p>anyhoo... I'm so sorry you have all those issues. (house, daughter, lawyers, etc.) I think about you often. I have to agree with all of you that divorce may have to shake her up a bit (if anything will) and may have to become finalized for her to find out what's in store "on the other side"... that grass needs mowing just like it does on this side....<p>lots of thoughts and prayers for you.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

faith1,<p>Good to hear from you! Sounds like you're doing OK.<p>Things were looking good as far as selling the house. We were in agreement about selling it until yesterday. Quite simply, I can't agree to anything less than interim shared custody. I don't know how much more fair I can be. It does appear at this point I'm going to have to get the D rolling. I don't want to do it, but I can't continue to live in limbo. I'd rather be divorced than continue to live like this. Maybe she's having second thoughts, but just can't bring herself to tell me. <p>Anyway, not to jump the gun, but would you be willing to give your xH another chance? Was that even brought up when you talked to him?<p>I'm going to bed now, but I'll check the board tomorrow. Have a great night!!!!<p>sad dad

sad dad,<p>My 2¢. You should file first, you let her lawyer answer why she should not let you have your way. I waited too long and my WW filed on me ... but my Lord still protects me, she made mistake on her SOC (show order of cause) plus I have all the journal that I am the primary care giver 91% of the time !. She filed for 70-30 physical, I answered it w/ 100% physical. We both agree on 50-50 legal. I have to wait on our court date end of month.<p>Soo, get your legal in order so that you will get at least 50-50. Make sure you document and has your 50% custody of the time ... otherwise do not file !!!. You could arrange the time since there is no order yet.<p>Good luck -RH-

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>Anyway, not to jump the gun, but would you be willing to give your xH another chance? Was that even brought up when you talked to him?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sorry to break in but I can relate to this question. <p>I gave my xW a chance and am not regretting it.<p>It took a D for me to move on with my life and start rebuilding. I have custody of my daughter and my son lives with me as well. xW has custody of our son, but he still stayed with me. All during the A, she didn't have much time for them. Before recovery we were keeping them more equally, they stayed together all the time. And once I was totally out of her life, she finally realized what she had lost.<p>It's was very bad for a while, but since our recovery started(12/01), it's been wonderful. I think we have a very promising future.<p>I hated to get a D, I would NEVER recommend getting one as a last attempt to save your relationship, but at least in my case, it almost had to happen. She had to feel a real loss in order to appreciate me(I think anyway). Also I had to protect myself and children the best I could. <p>Good luck!<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>

redhat,<p>I just want to clarify some things for you. WS filed for D on 11/4/01 on the grounds of mental cruelty and wants joint custody with her as primary. I countered on 12/26/01 on the grounds of mental cruelty/adultery and asked for sole custody. We are still living together and have discuused selling the house, but on her lawyer's advice won't agree to it unless I concede interim primary custody, which I will not do. We have custody mediation scheduled, although I'm not sure when. Her lawyer has done nothing regarding the D (i.e. setting court dates, hearings, filing discovery motions. etc) which has my lawyer as confused as me. Seems my W's only concern right now is custody, when there are so many of details to be addressed (selling the house, a financial settlement, D proceedings). I assume my W is holding off on those issues until she has a better idea of how custody will turn out, but I believe she has the order reversed. All those issues can be taken care of now, custody can drag out for months and months. Like you, I am my daughter's primary caregiver. Seems I'll have to get the ball rolling on the other issues since she has shown no inclination to do so. Custody will take care of itself in time.<p>sad dad<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Well, I talked to my lawyer yesterday and told her the latest, that my W was advised not to sell the house if I won't agree to give her interim custody. She said that's ridiculous and asked me what I wanted her to do. I asked her to contact my W's lawyer and tell him what I'm agreeable to (selling the house and shared custody). Maybe than they can work something out or my W's lawyer can compel her to compromise. I doubt it so we'll wait for mediation. I'll run this all by Steve Harley on Wednesday and take it from there, but right now I'm probably going to instruct my lawyer to begin D proceedings, starting with having W and OM deposed. I'll keep you updated.<p>sad dad

Ahhhhhh - life without a brain.<p>Amazing. What does she think - that kids are bargaining chips? Oh, sorry - I momentarily forgot rule #1.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>starting with having W and OM deposed. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>That'll put a bee in her bonnet.<p>WAT

WAT,<p>Exactly! It may not make a difference, but should help get me some of the truth and some peace of mind.<p>sad dad

Nothing new to update. I got a copy of a letter that my lawyer wrote to my W's lawyer re: selling the house & shared custody. It won't accomplish anything, but at least I have it on record that I was willing to compromise in the best interest of us all. Might look good for mediation. <p>sad dad

Sad Dad I am watching your progress with a great deal of interest. You replied to one of my posts a few months back and helped me through a particulaly tough situation. Our situations parallel one another except that you are a few months ahead of me. I have 3 kids 7,4, and 1. My WS told me yesterday that she contacted a lawyer, and that she would agree to a temporary 50-50 joint and legal custody if I move out. I live in Michigan and from what I know this might be my best deal. I have an appt. with a lawyer on Thursday. (first one)My heart goes out to someone who has stuck with it so long, you are my hero! I'll keep posting with what I learn, and will continue to read your posts.

ineedabreak,<p>Thanks for the kind words and I'm glad if I've been of any help. Believe me, I'm no hero, just a man who loves his W and daughter and appreciates the importance of being a family. I have an appt tomorrow with Steve Harley that may lead to a critical turning point one way or another. I'll keep you updated as things develop. <p>sad dad